Life According to Steph: shit MFD said

Showing posts with label shit MFD said. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Shit MFD Said: Vol 46

MFD: What are you making hon?

Me: None of your beeswax

MFD: How does that taste?

Me: It tastes good.

MFD: Why don’t we have a stamp so we can just stamp these?

Me: Because we’re not the United States Postal Service.

MFD: We can get a machine.

Me: No.

Me: I'm so excited about the wifi.

MFD: I guess.

Me: Excuse me? I renamed it after Dirty Dancing. Give me this small joy.

MFD: I guess...but I just don’t understand why the Schumachers aren’t featured in the renaming of the wifi.

Olympics

MFD: Steph, do you know what they call this race?

Me: No.

MFD: mhmhjmj

Me: Say it again?

MFD: Push Butt race. See! The butt push. Look. That's how the next person starts.

Me: I don't think that's what it's really called.

Olympics

MFD: She’s doing the triple axel.

Me: Okay.

MFD: See! I told you.

Me: But do you know what the pamchenko is?

After realizing we have not told each other major personal news things

Me: We should have made time this week to talk to each other about things that are not schedule, dog, bill, or house related.

MFD: Seems like it.

MFD: Can you get some tooth floss?

Me: Dental floss?

MFD: You know.

Me: Tooth floss. Ha.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Shit MFD Said: Vol 45

Commenting on the Khaleesi in Game of Thrones

Me: Wow, she’s got a lot of bronzer on

MFD: Did you ever stand in the heat of a dragon? It’ll bronze you real quick.

Me: It’s tv makeup. You know that right? She didn't actually stand in the heat of a dragon.

MFD: You don't know that.

Watching Hoarders

MFD: Steph, I think I’m going to start collecting dolls.

Me: I hate dolls.

MFD: What kind of dolls would you like me to start collecting first? American dolls?

Me: They’re called American GIRL dolls, and no to ALL dolls.

MFD: Dolls are coming.

Me: I can’t believe you didn’t get any frozen appetizers.

MFD: I had no room. I was holding everything.

Me: Rookie mistake to go into Target without a basket.

MFD: An intentional mistake. An intentional maneuver, actually. Money saving maneuver.

Puts on Benjamin Button

Me: No.

MFD: Steph, you’re reading and I've been wanting to watch this movie since it came out.

Me: No.

MFD: I’ll Be 90 and Benjamin Button myself before I see it if I don’t watch it now.

Me: That’s fine, I’ll be dead then and won’t care.

We are out of hot coffee so MFD is drinking my batch of iced coffee

Me: Mae needs to go out.

MFD: Now I have to go outside in the snow with this ice cold coffee

Me: I do it all the time.

MFD: It’s probably warm for you with your ice cold heart.

Me: Yes it is! That's right.

Eating burnt microwave popcorn

MFD: I might have to make another one.

Me: Yeah, it’s burnt.

MFD: It tastes like college.

Me: Are you going to make grilled cheese too?
MFD: Grilled cheese does not go with split pea soup.
Me: It's cheese and bread...melted and toasted. It goes with everything.
MFD: No.

Me: We need to get Gus a wheelchair

MFD: You know he has you so wrapped around his little finger that for the rest of his life you are going to be carrying him all over the house and the neighborhood and the shore in this little chair and people are going to be feeding him grapes and he’s going to say my mom does my bidding

Me: That's not true. Grapes are poisonous to dogs I would never let people feed him grapes.

MFD: That's all you can dispute.

During an ice event

MFD: I don’t know what people are bitching about, I didn’t fall once

Me: I fell! It’s slippery!

MFD: Nope! Not with Yaktrax on.

Me: Mike. When you put the toilet paper on

MFD: I know, put it on the right way.

Me: Yes, so it pulls over from the top.

MFD: That’s the wrong way. It’s easier to tear off from the bottom

Me: After 14 years of living together...this is madness.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Shit MFD Said Vol 44

MFD: No one in this house is impressed with your Coffee Town right now, okay? You could have left the pot where I had it.

Me: I put it back! Good as new. Welcome to Coffee Town.

MFD: Is there coffee?

Me: Of course there is, in that green thing where it always is.

MFD: I didn't know if you thought Coffee Town was a real, functioning place or just an imaginary staging area.

Watching hurricane devastation

MFD: See, you'd survive this situation.

Me: Me? Why?

MFD: Because you'd be with me. I would find a clean water source. We might have to walk many miles to get to it but...

Me: But I don't want to do that.

MFD: You can just Randy it up at home I guess. I don't want to, what is that?

Me: I am not surviving an apocalyptic scenario. We have discussed this a million times.

The night after the PA women's conference

Me: I just cleared out the sink. If you leave those dishes in there and don't put them in the dishwasher I'm going to punch you.

MFD: What did you learn today, how to smash the patriarchy without being nice?

MFD: Did you make Mae food or something?

Me: No, why?

MFD: What's in this tin?

Me: Brownies that are healthy. They taste like baked poop.

MFD: They look like baked poop too. I don't think brownies are supposed to be healthy.

MFD: What was with that pasta?

Me: It’s for my lunch.

MFD: It’s good.

Me: You ate my lunch?

MFD: Little bit.

Me: Why would you eat my lunch?

MFD: It didn’t say Stephanie’s Lunch.

Me: We’ve been over this before. If it’s packaged in a small thing, it’s my lunch.

MFD: Listen, you should get your own lunch refrigerator.

MFD: Google blue poop.

Me: Why?

MFD: Google it and tell me what it says.

I do that

MFD: What? No. That’s not scientific.

Me: That’s what it says on what your poop is trying to tell you dot com

Three minutes of silence

MFD: Alright then. Google bluish green poop.

Me: I’m done googling colored poop.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Shit MFD Said Vol 43

Today MFD turns 40. One of the main reasons we have been together for 15 years this month is because there is no one I've ever met who thinks quite like him. And because he makes me laugh even when things are terrible.

Happy 40th MFD!

Watching Footloose

MFD: Steph, you know what I do when I have family quarrels?

Me: What?

MFD: I drive down to the empty warehouse and dance it out.

Me: What?

MFD: So much gymnastics.

After a midnight stop at a weird Wawa in the last three hours of a nine hour road trip

MFD: Let's get out of here.

Me: That was the weirdest Wawa ever filled with the weirdest people.

MFD: I know, and the cashier would not stop talking. I was saying I don't know what to get and she was saying how she has the hardest time and she works there and I was thinking just stop talking and let me step away so I can fart.

Me: That's why I don't have conversations with people.

MFD: Because you have to fart?

Me: No. Because they won't stop talking.

MFD: And probably because you have to fart.

On our way fishing

Me: You got a fucking visor mike?
MFD: Yep. It's for fishing
Me: I hate visors.
MFD: I thought about that for about five seconds then thought well she's not fishing.

Me: I can't believe you were on the phone with someone and said, "Sorry, my dog is mounting my other dog."
MFD: I know...and he didn't even say anything back!
Me: What was he supposed to even say? Totally useless and weird information!
MFD: Well I was screaming my dog's name in his ear. I wanted to tell him why.

Me: I think he would have rather not known.

Me: What did you have for dinner?
MFD: Uh...your leftovers.
Me: What!
MFD: I thought you already ate.
Me: I didn't.
MFD: Well, it was good, so that's good right?

Happy birthday to my dearest Debbie today as well as Griffin and AJ & Drew May.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Shit MFD Said Vol. 42

MFD: Steph. You should be in the FBI.

Me: Why?

MFD: I just think so.

Me: No.

MFD: Why not?

Me: I don't like perps. Or guns.

MFD: That's too bad. I think you'd be a good fit.

Me: I honestly can't believe I'm asking this but do you have nail clippers here?

MFD: ha ha. I don't know

On the beach

MFD: Do you have a pen?

Me: No.

MFD: Why not?

Me: Does this look like an office? Why do you need a pen?

MFD: I wanted to write you a note. To share an observation.

Me: You could just tell me.

MFD: No.
he was afraid people would hear him...I could barely hear him

Coming home from Hank's 40th

MFD: It was nice to see everyone.

Me: It was!

MFD: I didn't take any pictures.

Me: Me neither.

MFD: Pics or it didn't happen so I guess it didn't happen.

Getting ready to leave for the shore

MFD: Do we have an iron there?

Me: Nope. Have you ever been there?

MFD: oof

A few minutes later

MFD: We do have wrinkle release there, right? Hon?

Me: Yes mike. You've used it there many times.

Me: What is this movie?

MFD: Just some kid's coming of age movie.

Me: What's the name of it?

MFD: I don't know.

Me: The remote is right next to you.

Presses guide, I see Stephen King's it, he is grinning

Me: No. No no no fucking way.

MFD: It's day!

Me: No.

MFD: It's fake.

Me: No. There's a terrifying clown with razor teeth, the image of my worst nightmares, that lives in a fucking drain.

MFD: So turn it off then?

Gets up and runs downstairs, out the door down there, and back inside

Me: What are you doing?

MFD: I have to go pick up a seller's disclosure.

Me: Why did you go downstairs and out that door instead of just going out the front?

MFD: I'll be back

A few seconds later

Amplified voice outside SLOW DOWN

I get up and see him standing on our street with a megaphone

Me: Mike!

MFD:

uncontrollable laughter

Me: Mike!

MFD: What? If they're not speeding, I won't say anything to them

Later

Me: Are you going to do this every night?

MFD: Maybe.

Later

MFD: I'm leaving this megaphone at the front door.

Me: Maybe you should get a sandwich board sign too.

MFD: Yeah I was thinking that.

Me: I was just kidding.

MFD: Not me.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Shit MFD Said: Vol 41

Waiting on sushi

MFD: I need to eat.

Me: You just had a salad.

MFD: That was nothing. That was like I went outside and yawned and grass blew into my mouth.

After a four day who will empty the dishwasher standoff

Me: So I noticed the dishwasher has been emptied.

MFD: Oh? I wonder who did that.

Me: I'm not sure, because the dirty dishes are still in the sink and weren't put in the dishwasher.

MFD: Weird.

Me: Must have been a moron.

MFD: Steph, this is very good.

Me: What is?

MFD: This salad you made.

Me: The one portioned out for my lunch in the little containers?

MFD: You didn't make this for the house? There were lots of containers.

Me: Five days in the week. Five containers for lunch.

MFD: Well I'm eating it for lunch now and it's excellent. It's so good, if you died tomorrow, this salad is what would get me through the week. I don't know what would get me through when it was gone, but this...it would get me through the week.

Me: Well I'm glad.

Me: Aren't these shoes pretty?

MFD: Another pair of new shoes? Are you Imelda Marcos?

Me Driving his car to the shore

Me: I thought we discussed how your music isn't good driving music for me.

MFD: I thought we discussed how you're a turd.

Me: No. We haven't discussed that.

MFD: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: It's lettuce.

MFD: Is it spinach?

Me: It's lettuce.

MFD: It looks like cabbage patch kid lettuce.

Me: Still lettuce.

As he's heading down to the basement

Me: Bring up that bag downstairs that's full of towels.

MFD: It's actually not full of towels. It's full of butts and turds.

Me: It's not.

MFD: Where is it?

Me: Open your eyes.

MFD: singing open your eyes look up to the skies and seee...I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low

Me: Very nice. Do you see it?

And via text

Friday, April 28, 2017

Shit MFD Said Vol 40

I don't care if it's blurry. I love it. My Geege looks like an old man boy.

Chicken cooking

MFD: I think that smells done.

Me: It's not done.

MFD: It is.

Me: If you'd like to get salmonella you can certainly eat it.

MFD: I've had salmonella. No big deal.

Flipping through the channels at the shore and finding a COPs marathon

MFD: ahhh, the mother lode.

In the car

MFD: I thought I had nail clippers in here. Do you have any in your purse?

Me: This isn't funny.

MFD: I did think I had some in here.

MFD: Steph. Do you want to go Coachella?

Me: Why the fuck would I want to go to Coachella?

MFD: So you can wear those headbands everyone wears and take selfies.

Me: No.

Steepling his fingers at a traffic light

MFD: I think there's a conspiracy in our house.

Me: What do you mean?

MFD: I think someone is conspiring against me to hide all the nail clippers.

Me: Why are you talking to me about fucking nail clippers? Are you doing this on purpose?

MFD: They're like socks. They disappear.

Me: I don't care.

Me: Why do you rinse out the dishwasher cover and leave it in the sink so it can't dry and be used again? It makes me want to murder.

MFD: Well you know...sometimes you have to die.

After he got home from being out

Me: I shattered the pepper shaker tonight.

MFD: Was there pepper everywhere?

Me: Of course!

MFD: That's why I'm sneezing.

Me: You weren't even home and it was in the kitchen not out here.

MFD: It's in the atmosphere.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Shit MFD Said Vol 39

From the basement

MFD: Hey Steph muttering and banging

Me intentionally not answering, more muttering and banging

MFD: Hey hon

Me: What.

MFD: Not too long ago you were cleaning up some things downstairs and there was this old scratched up mouthpiece next to a Century 21 pen. I know where the pen is, do you know where the mouthpiece is?

Me: No...wait, you know where the exact pen is but you don't know where the mouthpiece is?

More banging and bullshit

MFD: Hey Steph where's the shell for the sage, huh?

More intentional ignoring

MFD: OPI nail liquor, two pack, 7.99, Groupon! You want it?

Me: Did you say liquor?

MFD: Lacquer?

Me: It's nail polish. No. Why are you looking at Groupon?

MFD: They send me email every five minutes. You know, from back in my Groupon days.

Me: I'm glad those days have passed.

MFD: Maybe they haven't.

After beeping at someone

Me: Seriously?

MFD: It's not that hard. Learn how to drive.

Me: Who taught YOU how to drive?

MFD: Satan

I go for my phone

MFD: Oh go for your for to write that one down huh?

Walking over the Brooklyn Bridge

MFD: It's okay. Soon you can sleep.

Me: What? It's not even noon.

MFD: no.sleep.til Brooklyn

flipping through the Roku

MFD: Where's Showtime?

Me: Mike.

MFD: What?

Me: You know what it feels like my entire life is?

MFD: err

Me: You asking me where things are.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Shit MFD Said Vol 38

Me: I need to get the tattoo on my back redone before my birthday.

MFD: I can do it for you.

Me: That's not true.

MFD: Give me a needle and some ink.

With life insurance people

MFD: I was just telling them you're a robot.

Me: Lovely.

MFD: No! I told them a story about how I made a little space to sleep this weekend near a tv and watched Small Wonder, you know, with the robot girl, and then I said...

Me: Just stop.

Looking at the humidifier

MFD: Does that even work? Should it be closer to us?

Me: It's not supposed to be a fucking rain forest in here, Mike. It is working.

MFD: If you say so.

MFD: I'm really struggling with the subset of comments on my post that are about LuLaRue. Oh, it's a picture of you.

Me: Yeah.

MFD: But what is LLR?

Me: What do you think it is?

MFD: Oh, is it LuLaRue?

Me: It's LuLaRoe not LuLaRue.

MFD: Is it the same as lulumon?

Me: You're thinking of Lululemon. It's not the same and there is no LuLaRue or lulumon. This conversation made me tired.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Shit MFD Said: Vol 37

MFD: You know what I was thinking on the way back here? All through my time with really painful second degree burns I was tolerable and even pleasant...five hours with this man cold and I'm a fucking tyrant.
Me: Mm hmm.
MFD: This man cold stuff is horrible.
Me: You don't need to tell me.

MFD: You know what I like looking at? Pictures of people going to the mall in 1989.

Me: Is that what you do with your time?

MFD: No. Did you like going to the mall?

Me: Yeah, I liked it. Did you?

MFD: big sigh. It was such a simpler time. And you could smoke in the mall.

After relaying an insane situation in which he saved an old man from an attack dog in North Philly

MFD: Well...we'll never walk our dogs in North Philly.

Me: No shit Mike.

MFD: We need a hummingbird.

Me: What? Like a feeder?

MFD: No. A pet hummingbird.

Me: I don't think they really want to be pets.

MFD: They do, they do.

Me: I don't think so.

MFD: Specifically my pet

Getting out of a van

Van driver: Be careful, it's slippery when wet.

MFD: Like Bon Jovi.

A nice infographic-ish photo I sent via text that was ignored

Rubbing it in

Have a good weekend my friends! Make some time for a long sleep, a straight from the gut laugh, and some self care. Like L'Oreal says, because you're worth it.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Shit MFD Said: Vol 36

Me: There's some taco meat in there too.
MFD: Brownies?
Me: No.
MFD: I heard brownies.

MFD: What was in that box?
Me: Stuff for me.
MFD: It was probably for me. Probably Gold.
Me: Not for you and not gold.
MFD: Frankincense? Myrrh?
Me: None of the above.

MFD: Did you go Back to the Future to get those pants?
Me: They're trees!
MFD: Steph, did you borrow those pants from Debbie Gibson?
Me: It's Christmas and they're trees.
Stephen: Where did you get those leggings?
MFD: 1980.
Me: Shut up!
MFD: Steph, Tiffany called. She wants her pants back.

Me: Mae would not go to the bathroom.
MFD: Did she have her sweater on?
Me: It's 60 fucking degrees.
MFD: She doesn't like to get wet.
Me: This is not a household for special snowflakes.
MFD: I guess not.

Pushing the ornament boxes close to the candle on the coffee table
Me: You are ridiculous right now. You almost lit yourself on fire.
MFD: Wouldn't be the first time this month.

Watching Christmas Vacation beginning driving scene
MFD: laughing That's totally me.
Me: Everything about you is Clark Griswold.

Pages

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Friday, January 12, 2018

Friday, October 27, 2017

Friday, September 1, 2017

Friday, June 30, 2017

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Friday, April 28, 2017

Friday, March 31, 2017

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Friday, January 27, 2017

Wednesday, December 28, 2016