Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Shit MFD Said Vol. 6

Before bed
MFD: I might not see you tomorrow after you leave. That's unfortunate. 
Me: It is. Also unfortunate is you eating in bed again. 
MFD: It's only almonds. They're health food.

Via phone
MFD: Hey. I'm on my way to Home Depot. Do you need anything?
Me: No. Just don't buy flowers. I haven't thought about them yet.
15 minutes later
MFD: Well, I spent $98. Some stuff for the lawn, and flowers.
Me: Mike!
MFD: Not planting flowers. Hanging flowers.
Me: From the Depot? They're like $20 there, I buy them for $7.
MFD: Whoops, one was $29.
Me: $29? It better shit golden leaves.
MFD: I think it will. Anyway now people can walk by and not think we're hobos by looking at our yard.
Me: Was it looking hobo-ish?
MFD: Oh definitely.

Me: Can you put the screen door in? I ask this six times over a two week period. One day it's a high of 50.
MFD: You know what I think? I think it's pretty impressive that I had the foresight to leave the glass door in since it's so cold today. 
Me: Seriously? One day in two weeks it's 50 and you're crowing? 
MFD: I had the foresight. You can put that in your blog. 
Done and done. 

Thermostat wars have begun for the summer.
MFD: It is ridiculously fucking hot in this house Steph.
Me: No it's not. 
MFD: Yes it is. Beep beep beep goes the thermostat 
Me: Noooooo
MFD: Oh look, there's a million legger just handing out on the wall. Sorry I had to kill you you creepy ass motherfucker. You were probably so hot you had to come out.
Me: Where's Gus?
MFD: He's downstairs. He doesn't want to come up to this hot box. Moving into the other room and muttering I need to wear a paper thin shirt. Like a cheesecloth shirt. So hot.

Testing out our new vacuum
MFD: This is a mid-30s Friday night. Testing out the new vacuum. This thing is the bomb.

Holding up a mangled Drumstick Ice Cream Cone
Me: Mike, this is what a Drumstick looks like when you put it in the ice maker and forget about it.
MFD: I thought you ate it.
Me: I didn't even know it was in there. Why did you put it in the ice maker?
MFD: It was hot in my car. I wanted it to get really cold.
Me: The whole freezer is a really cold place to store things and it doesn't produce ice cream, paper, and chocolate alongside ice in your glass because it doesn't go through a machine anywhere else in the freezer.
MFD: You should've eaten it. I'm pissed. What a waste of a Drumstick.

Rest in peace, Drumstick.
In piece, too, is appropo. 
Death by ice maker.
Well, it's certainly a Tuesday - left my phone at home on the day the cleaning lady is coming and I'm meeting my oldest friend for dinner so why should I be reachable, humidity making my hair a planet, slow draining tub late at night wreaking havoc and causing meltdowns. Well played, Tuesday. Well played.
 photo purple_zpse5f7f916.png
All read and approved by MFD before they go live...
Shit MFD Said Vol 1
Shit MFD Said Vol 2
Shit MFD Said Vol 3
Shit MFD Said Vol 4
Shit MFD Said Vol 5


  1. The first one he was trying to be sweet and you crushed his moment! Haha! The thermostat wars was the best though! No hobos!!

  2. $29 for one hanging pot!? Good thing it isn't a "no spend" month!!!!

  3. Snort! I could handle almonds in bed as long as all of them made them into his mouth! And wow, $29 for a flower pot seems steep, even for me who knows nothing about that shit!

    You two need a reality show

  4. Haha! You two crack me up! :D Troy and I always have thermostat wars during the summer. I swear he's trying to freeze me out.

  5. i think MFD and my husband go by the same play book when it comes to spending money on shizz at home depot. he would come home with sponge brushes that he bought for like $9 when i can get them at the dollar store for $1. drives me crazy.

    Vodka and Soda

  6. Totally your fault for not eating the drumstick. Clearly.

  7. At least almonds don't have crumbs so clearly, you've taught him something!

    You have to love a husband who hears "don't buy flowers" and then specifically buys expensive flowers. Once they get an idea, there's no stopping it.

  8. OMG the drumstick. I'm still laughing about it. (It is pretty unfortunate that the drumstick was wasted, although I'm not blaming it on you.)

  9. haha the cheesecloth shirt! and love the "you can put that on your blog" comment too. our men know us so well.

  10. a cheesecloth shirt hahaha thanks for a good morning laugh, I need it. cuz its effing Tuesday and I don't particularly like Tuesdays. and apparently neither to do.

  11. $29 for one plant?! I just can't.

    OMG, the Drumstick. Totally something my husband would do. For the same reason. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?!

  12. OH NO no phone. JMJ Lights and angels extra to you. Mike Doyle is certainly a card. LOL.
    I know he will continue to give you plenty of material for these blogs.!
    Love your MOMMA

  13. I also need a cheesecloth short! What a coincidence! I'm kind of mad you didn't write your haiku about Drop Dead Fred, who fucking dropped dead!

  14. Can you return $29 hanging baskets? There should be a law against husbands buying flowers without wife supervision.

    I totally get the mid-30's Friday night vacuum testing, it's amazing what we now get excited about on weekends.

    Ice cream in the ice maker, ugh and ewwww.

  15. Love the flowers incident. It sounds familiar! lol Like telling him not to buy me plants (because I kill everything) and he comes home with an orchid ~ world's most complicated flower to keep alive.

  16. These made laugh out loud! I feel helpless without my phone if I leave it home. Godspeed.

  17. omg the bug one is cracking me up. Sounds just like the wars my parents have. Hawkeye and I keep it cold. If it's above 72 she starts panting like she ran 2 miles and I feel guilty.

  18. Omg... hilarious. I was thinking they sell pot plants at HD for $29? That's a pretty good price if you're gonna grow your own lol:)

  19. "$29? It better shit golden leaves.", I don't know why but I died laughing at this. I hate when I leave my phone at home. Hope your Tuesday improves :)

  20. My mike would have said the same thing about the ice cream LMAO

  21. "You can put that in your blog," I love it! And where do you find such inexpensive hanging plants?!

  22. Flowers! $29 for a hanging basket is madness!

    "You can put that in your blog"...geeze, I love these posts. :)

  23. haha almonds are health food!! that's awesome. but the thermostat- we are the opposite. we dont turn on the ac until 8pm and just bake.

  24. :you can put that in your blog" LOL He is well aware you will!

    The thermostat is always a fun war to have. They are all about turning the AC way down until the damn bill comes then it is all why the hell is this so expensive....DUH!

    At least the drumstick did not die in vain with that haiku!

  25. Literally laughing out loud to the Drumstick. Of course he's pissed at you for not eating it- I mean, how did you not know it was there?! *sarcasm*

  26. Oh no...I have no hanging baskets outside my house...we are such hobos!!!

    As usual...hysterical. I wish my husband and I were as funny. ;)

  27. The cheesecloth shirt made me actually LOL! And the freezer drumstick, scenario!!

  28. haha! What is it with men doing the exact opposite of what you tell them to do? Don't buy flowers...ok, I think I'll buy flowers today. So funny!

  29. Ha!

    My husband always spends a lot at Home Depot or Lowes. I think those stores are like what Target is to women...

  30. These always make me laugh. Dammit, you should have eaten the drumstick :)

  31. LOL the drumstick convo is awesome

  32. Oh my gosh, the eating in bed thing. Why do husbands not understand that this is NEVER a good idea?

    I've since stopped tracking how much Scott spends on things. It's a losing battle.

  33. I sent Mark back with all the random shit he bought from Costco on the last outing that we still hadn't used yet.....I wish it would be a learning situation but let's be honest it won't be.

  34. Ugh the thermostat wars.... I battle the same war every.single.day.

  35. First of all... it feels weird hearing him referred to as "Mike." I think he should legally change his name to MFD. Just the initials.
    Bahahaha... dying over the vacuum cleaner and "waste of a drumstick." Classic... "Mike." (See, it doesn't feel right, does it?!)
    Pete the other day when we walked past the seafood area at the grocery store and I complained about the smell: "It DOES smell extra bad... like the fish are on their periods or something."

  36. Too funny! I wish Thomas was as funny as him.... or maybe I need to start paying closer attention to him!

  37. These are too funny!! Esp the fact that he bought the flowers anyway! haha

  38. The already made up hanging baskets..a very expensive death sentence for flowers. I am with him on the thermostat wars.

  39. we have total wars over the thermostat. he usually wins. then he goes to work and I win.

  40. LOL I always love these. I need to be reminded once I no longer live alone to write this sort of stuff down.

  41. I kill every plant Will buys me, so if he spent $29 on a plant...I would divorce him, haha.

  42. LOL...too funny! I actually had a melt down over the thermostat before we moved in together...I'm super cold natured and was always cold at his house (summer or winter), so P promised we would compromise...he does pretty good.


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