Awkward writing about not writing

It's weird to write here at least three but often four to five times a week since 2011 then to abruptly stop doing so in March, like most other things abruptly stopped. To know I can come and do that, to want to do that, to think about doing that, but to end up most days not doing that. 

My friend Janet commented on one of my post shares on facebook asking if she was missing posts or if I wasn't sharing them as frequently. It got me thinking why I'm not showing up here. 

All of my fellow bloggers know one of the things I hate is when bloggers are like omg so sorry I haven't been showing up to this little space ugh, fucking gross. No one cares. 

That is true in this case also, but I have been working through why I'm not writing. It is a huge part of who I am and what I do, and always has been. I have always been writing to myself, as early as I can remember. Stupid things like what I wore that day and what I thought about x. I don't care if the writing is good or has a point, and once I started putting it out publicly on this blog, that held. This just happens to be where I write now. I don't know why I am interested in capturing absolute minutia, but it makes me happy. It's comforting. It gets out what I need to get out, even when it's awkward like this is. 

This has been the place I've shared so much shit, and not all of it is pretty or interesting or consequential. This has been how I've publicly journaled a lot of what I'm doing - which I still do, because TWTW and Thursday Thoughts are about the only things that have by and large survived the coronavirus - but I've stopped capturing a lot of the little things. No one is missing a post about how the light frames my porch in the early evening, but I miss writing that. It's not about what I'm not sharing with the world. It's about hiding from myself. 

At first it was a lack of creativity, from pandemic brain, and I had to save whatever I had for work. That is still the case a little, and it is absolutely also an issue of I don't want to stare at any screen for another minute, but it's also an issue of existing in a state of self-induced task oriented days to avoid thinking and feeling too much. 

Because I've stopped capturing a lot of the big things too, and part of that is how many times can I write about the same shit. Even if it is shit that really, really matters. That I should at least write about in how it relates to my thoughts and feelings, because I am not the same as I was in March. None of us are. I don't want to miss out on this version of myself because it's too exhausting to look at the world around me. 

Like what a mindfuck this pandemic world continues to be, in a roller coaster fashion, so that I'm feeling fine and then, as my friend Lisa said in a comment on IG, something triggers it and it rears its ugly head. None of us have lived through a global pandemic before. We don't know how to be or feel. We don't know what the fuck we're doing. 

The country burning, literally and figuratively, is something I can barely even mention in Thursday Thoughts anymore. I remember back in 2016, telling myself to just pace myself and not get outrage fatigue. I've had that a million times over. No matter what happens people still support an administration that does really fucking terrible shit daily, either in an aggressive fashion like performing hysterectomies on women they have detained in squalid cells or in a silent but deadly fashion like disbanding every damn law and rule and practice that protects the environment or deals with any way in the climate crisis and we all suffer. Writing about that is either shouting into an echo chamber or talking to a wall. No one who likes donald trump or the hideous conservative agenda we entered starting back in the tea party years gives a fuck about anything I say, they just want to win over the libs at all costs. 

And the cost is so fucking high. I see the strain on my face from all of it every time I look in the mirror. I see the strain on the faces around me, masks or not. A lot of it is in the eyes and the brow. 

I spent much of 2018 talking about MFD's run for office, and the toll it was taking on all aspects of our lives. I have spent the past few months avoiding writing about that, but that does not mean the strain is not there. 

Many days I feel like I am traveling along a long road of fine lines to not push myself over the million edges we're all walking along right now. I know many people feel the same. I see you out there. 

I have spent years talking about registering to vote, and actually voting in every election (not just presidential), and being involved in the community and how to get involved on a local or national level with making a change if you want to see one. How to register to vote if you have never registered, whether you are 18 or 49. How to help in the next under 50 days if you don't want to make phone calls or knock on doors. Whatever you want to do or are interested in, please email me. I am happy to talk to anyone at any time about any of these things. How can I help you help? 

I need to show up for myself somehow in this space, because not doing so feels like I am missing. This is a foray into that. If you happened to read it, hi, and happy Wednesday (right?), and how are you? 

Hello from The In Between

That's what I've been calling where we are now.  The In Between. Still applicable: Life in the Time of Corona. Quarantine Diaries.

So The In Between, where we are certainly adrift. We're allegedly out of quarantine, but not really. Nothing is as it was before March. Not for me, anyway. You wouldn't know that in a lot of places. 

Over four months in, we have the people who have still not left their homes and judged others who have done anything. 

That’s not realistic.

We also have many who think they're the only ones doing it right, even if they're doing it like this: ANOTHER DULL QUARANTINE WEEKEND AT HOME, TARGET, CHIPOTLE, HOME DEPOT, AND OUR NIECE’S GRADUATION PARTY

That’s not realistic either.

I think most of us are doing the best we can, calculating risk and cautiously moving about in this world. There are some slip ups. There will be. This is the most realistic.

Some people are doing the worst they can,  sharing shit from a doctor that thinks demons cause illnesses and touting her as a Covid authority. Including your president and his son. 

We're at war over masks. Americans who are anti-mask (lol) seem to think this global pandemic is only happening in America. They say this is political, and planned. They cannot see the rest of the world, or they don't want to. 

We also have the mask police, who think anyone in their line of vision should have a mask on regardless of their proximity or lack thereof to other people. 

We're at war over school and expectations of teachers and students to be physically placed in situations the White House, federal and state governments, major league sports, and most companies will not place themselves, their employees, or their patrons in. I feel like constantly screaming. Yes, Karen, kids DO belong in school, and that's where they would be if there had been some sort of coordinated federal response on a level of other countries, but we are America and we bucked the system and kept having parties and refused to wear masks and here we are with a fucked up and uncertain fall looming. Thanks for that, everyone who has been kicking and screaming like toddlers. 

We think we're headed for another shut down over flu season. 

Some small businesses remain shuttered - I was in Liberty Place yesterday in Philly, and most food court restaurants are still closed, some it looks like for good - so this is still hitting the people at the lower end of the pay scale the hardest. Many people are still not back to full time or full earning potential. And the federal government has done nothing to prolong extra unemployment benefits or pivot or create jobs or fucking anything. People are still out of work with no prospects and it's not because of the goddamn Governors that are trying to keep people safe. We should have done literally everything differently in this country. Our government is failing us. The White House is a black hole. What has Congress been doing? People cannot afford to live and eat right now, and a lot of us are ignoring that so we can fight with each other online over wearing masks.

And of course people are still sick, recovering, dying, getting, spreading. We are years away from knowing the ins and outs of Covid.

We think 2020 is absolute shit but also we've learned some things and loved some things. 

Me personally? The last time I wrote about coronaland in depth was Things I Want to Remember on June 10, and if you type quarantine in the search box on the left if you're on a computer, you'll find more. I usually recall what I've written, but one of the side effects of this is not great recall. 

My brain is working better than it was. 

My mood has evened out. There's a lot less fight or flight happening. 

I've gained weight that I probably won't lose. 

I'm drinking less coffee than I was. 

I'm reading more. 

When I buy something, I'm trying to buy from a black person, black women in particular. 

I'm flexing work hours more. 

Still feeling lucky to have a job where I can work from home, and to do so for a company that's been extra great throughout. 

I'm so fucking furious at a lot of things in this country. The fury increases as we approach Election Day. Please make sure your voter registration is solid, and that you  have a plan to vote in person or via mail on Election Day. 

I'm in Philly until tomorrow, my first time since June 22 or 23. I had a dentist appointment yesterday and TODAY IS MY MOTHERFUCKING HAIR APPOINTMENT. My last one was February 26. To say I am looking forward to this is the understatement of the year.

But being in Philly itself is disorienting. 

I head back to the shore tomorrow until 8/8, when I'm back in Philly for a week with plans to whip this house into shape since I'll go back to the shore in mid-August and stay there for the fall. As of this week, my office is closed to in-person operations indefinitely - until the Governor lifts telecommuting recommendations which I don't think will happen this year. 

I've settled into a TWTW post on Monday and Thursday Thoughts on Thursday with a few other posts peppered in here or there. I always link to them in my Instagram profile and share them on FB as well. This is an extra for this week, and Frank will be here Friday to share his annual birthday blog post - his actual birthday is today. Happy birthday Fronk! 

I'm trying to appreciate the good that has come from this and just operate as best as I can. How are you doing? Really?

Why I would never tell anyone to run for office

Via

You should run for office.

We throw that suggestion out to the people we think would make a tremendous difference in leadership roles in our government. I used to carelessly toss that out to people. Then my husband ran for office - a state representative office, lower level on the political ladder  - and I don't carelessly urge others to run for office any more because I know "you should run for office" is akin to "you should throw a bomb into the middle of your own life and not care if it blows the entire thing apart."

In a system that is designed, like all systems, to be navigated most easily and successfully by people with money, the political system in America is a field of landmines to the average citizen candidate.

There are other reasons but that, in a nutshell, is why I would not tell anyone they should run for office unless they have disposable dollars. A lot of them.

There are a million run for office organizations out there right now, as there should be. My voice of dissent is a small dose of reality.

Last year taught me a lot about politics. It is inconceivably dirty on both sides, even dirtier than you imagine it to be. If you are a candidate who will not bow to the establishment - regardless of which side of the establishment you're on - you're going to get screwed by your own party. It’s you, and you are on your own with the people who join you to build a team outside of party operations. I saw it happen in my own home, and I've seen it happen to numerous acquaintances who ran/are running for political office as democrats or independents.

If the party can't control you, they are not going to throw their support behind you monetarily or bodily with feet on the ground to get your message out. If you don't have a lot of disposable dollars of your own (I’m not kidding, the state democratic party people suggested raising $300,000-500,000 for ONE small state race...multiply that by all those races across the country then choke back your own vomit on the absolute monetary waste) and are raising money from people you know, you are less likely to be what they refer to as a viable candidate with a viable campaign. You also won't get help from Establishment people up the ballot from you unless someone deems you viable. Basically do not count on anyone. Just because someone is on the same "side" as you does not mean they will help you while you're campaigning. There are of course people who will because they like you and believe in what you believe in, but don't count on it from  everyone.

Some other things you might not know...Incumbents will almost always get endorsements from organizations because incumbents usually win...they're backed by the machine which has the money and the reach and everything you don't. Some unions are absolutely not only contributing to democratic candidates who uphold the ideals of the Labor Movement. They are also donating to incumbents from a party that supports right to work in many places and they’ll tell you it’s to keep their support but it’s just a payout. There are a lot of back room deals. People at all rungs of the political ladder are grappling for power and candidates get caught in that crossfire. I have seen democrats have democratic candidates removed from the ballot if they think they are too powerful or their opportunity is too great. They will torpedo something you busted your ass to build for months simply to hold their own place. You have to run the first time to see who will put a knife in your back, where the roadblocks are, and who the players are. And that’s just in your own party, not what’s coming at you from across the aisle.

The layers of bullshit are so deep we could talk about it forever. So when people say politicians suck, I get it. I do. I haven't even gotten into attack mailers - in a low level office, to give you an example - friends in the district received more than six (that we actually saw/have proof of) anti-MFD mailers that we estimate were sent to over 10,000 people per mailing. Even if you are squeaky clean, please disabuse yourself of the notion that people need a photo of you with JS Dolls  (NSFW) to put together a campaign attacking your character. If it doesn't exist, something will be made out of nothing. Do not attempt to run for office if you have thin skin. Or limited funds and time - during the last two months on the campaign trail for state rep offices and above you'll be pushed to campaign like it's your job even though there is $0 salary and you probably have an actual job you need to do to pay bills and live.

I could write an entire book on this but it’s late and I need to go to sleep. The problem is a million fold but much of it boils down to two things: money and corruption.

Unfortunately in order to root out both, average citizen candidates without millions in disposable income who are outsiders to the system and not corrupted by power or influence MUST run for office. So I write this knowing there must be sacrificial lambs among us. Citizens United must be overturned on the federal level, dark money must be extracted from the equation, and we must support candidates who refuse to take money from corporations.

In an ideal world, I'd like every candidate to have the same amount of money to spend (varying based on level/office) and for them to actually have to get out and meet people where they are in order to campaign. I’d like no corporations, lobbyists, unions, or the FOP to be able to fund campaigns. Then no one could afford ads on TV that we all freaking hate or to waste money on attack mailers and they'd have to rely on themselves, their beliefs and plans. And real people without economic privilege would have more than a fighting chance against the Machine. The amount of money spent on campaigning is completely gross given the poverty in this country. Combine that with the fact that people from lower economic classes and marginalized communities who have the best real life experience with problems and areas where innovation is needed are almost impossible to get elected and our class system is on proud display for all to see. It’s disgusting. Don’t even get me started on the trash women running deal with.

Despite the cesspool to swim through, there are people out there committed to running the gauntlet to actually serve people, and maybe you're one of them. And I support the hell out of that despite the title of this post.

Where do we go from here? If you are not a candidate, please do NOT give money blanketly to a party organization (DNC or RNC) or a PAC that engages in shitty activities. Please tell incumbents and prospective candidates not to take money from those PACs. Please donate directly to candidates who inspire you and help make them viable. When they say your $15 or $25 matters, they really mean it. If you don't have $$ but have time, volunteer to knock doors or make phone calls or work the polls on Election Day as a friendly face to everyone coming out to vote. If you are a candidate, gird your loins.

We can change the wretched system. But it's going to take all of us, and those of us who get in need to keep promises to do away with the crap and provide a government that is for the people, not for the people in power.

How is this my life?

I've asked myself that question so many times with different emotional inflections in my inner voice. 

With exhaustion when things are too much. 

With disbelief when crazy shit happens.

With uncertainty in those really dark times when it seems like there is no light.

With rage when I have to deal with situations I don’t want to deal with. 

With disappointment when I’ve fucked something up and need to dig myself out of a hole. 

With frustration when things go wrong and set off a chain reaction of shit.

With resignation when there’s traffic late at night when there shouldn’t be. 

With gratitude for my framily. They make my whole life. 

With appreciation when something in the universe manifests exactly for me. 

With wonder when I realize that my life at the shore is actually my life. 

With a feeling of pure joy bubbling up in my chest when I think of how many things are so fucking good. 

The last four are my favorite. 

Happy birthday to Jen, my oldest friend. I've been friends with her since I was three. 

Thursday Thoughts - I was open to pain and crossed by the rain and I walked on a crooked crutch

1. With the office reno, I've been down the shore more during the week than on the weekend and while I haven't had a full day to kick around and do nothing down here, I can't say I hate it. It's quiet during the week. I can still sneak my dog on the beach in what is now no dog on the beach ever season which I think is absurd. And who wouldn't want to end a Wednesday like this?

2. There was also house work, of course, it being May. I actually had MFD down. He was down exactly twice in April, once on Easter weekend and once for a quick back and forth to drop something off. While I worked yesterday he cleaned up the outside shit from the shower and behind the house and cleaned and set up our porch. After work we moved the dresser up to the main floor and I put the closet back together from the painting I did last weekend. We still need to move the dresser up to the second floor and hang a mirror when I take a break for lunch today. We did little stuff in our apartment like finally hang an arm like the one we have upstairs in the house so we can hang six things up. It's the little things. I also moved some stuff around which is the story of my life.

3. There was also ice cream. This is a hard season for us. I am not one of those  everything in my relationship is perfect we go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong people. I think those people do a disservice to everyone else. Perfection does not exist and to imply it can or does is an insult to everyone else out there doing their best. Some days that best is slicing through the glittering water on a marvelous boat and some days it is swimming against the current in a river of shit.

4. It's the first time I've had all three dogs at the shore in a while instead of just Bruce, and all three of course sleep all up in my grill and MFD has plenty of room to move.

5. Nails: Rimmel 60 Seconds Red Hot Chili Pepper.

6. From the never say never file: I was all I am never instagram storying and here I am, Instagram storying.

7. Show Us Your Books is Tuesday! Super light reading month for me so I will not need a lot of time to write that one. When my brain needs a break I say here, have one.

8. We are in dangerous territory, America. Re: Kanye's recent shit. Re: Michelle Wolf/Sarah Huckabee Sanders. 

9. Reminder: There is always a choice, even when it doesn't feel like it.

10. E-card of the week: Who's with me?

What's new with you?

Linking up with Kristen

Seven marriage things that have worked and seven that haven't

Yesterday marked seven years of marriage for us. This year has not been one of the easier ones on many levels but we're here, looking forward to the next year in this world together. Speaking of the future...when we were engaged and going through all the hoopla, I was told or read many pieces of  time honored advice and closely held convictions of others about what marriage is or should be. If we would have listened to them over doing what worked for us, we'd be sunk. The truth is every marriage is different. Every couple is different. You have to do what works for you. Chart your own course. 

These things have not worked for us.

1. Don't go to bed angry. Fuck that! Fuck that right now. We've gone to bed angry many nights, sometimes more than one night in a row. Marriage and life in general are complicated. Some shit is a big deal and takes time to sort through. Having to pretend to not be angry anymore before bed would go up my ass sideways. 

2. Keep date night. We're married. Isn't every night date night? 

3. Keep her happy with flowers. I appreciate them, especially when they are the cheapies from Produce Junction but am totally okay with buying my own. I'd take no dishes in the sink over a pretty bouquet any day of the week. 

4. A house is not a home without children. It is a home. Sometimes it's more than one. Wink wink to everyone out there who thinks they have the okay to comment on the reproductive choices of others. We don't need kids to start a family. We are a family. 

5. Nobody likes a nag. Nobody likes shit that doesn't get done for days. If I asked for it to be done and it's not done, you'll hear about it whether you're my husband, my contractor, or God. 

6. Be everything to each other. Good for you, not for us. See number four below. Also, MFD is not my best friend and I am not his. We are very good friends though. 

7. Act like divorce is not an option. It is an option. It's good when you know you'd choose to stay. That is not possible in some situations and I'm not participating in that farce. 

Things that have worked in our marriage: 

1. Share experiences, not gifts. I am a practical gift giver, which is not MFD's favorite. He is an expensive gift giver, which gives me anxiety. We both enjoy shared experiences, dinners out, travel, etc. much more, so that's what we do now. Or we buy what we want and say thanks, you got me this and I really love it.

2. Not freaking out over being out of sync. Life is long. So is marriage. It'll come around. It will require some work like all things worth having, but it'll come around. 

3. Sit beside each other in pain. You can't fix some things, you can't take away pain, you can't solve things, you can't heal things but you can sit and BE there through it. You are the constant and the constant is enough. 

4. Space. We do not do everything together. I cannot think of something either of us would hate more. 

5. Appreciating the little things. The little things add up to more than the big things.

6. Practicing self care. If one of us is not doing that, our marriage buckles under the imbalance. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else - including being there for your partner. 

7. Laughter, always. 

Here's this year's collage - see this anniversary collage in 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016. 

1 - 9/24/16 whale watching in Cape May; 2 - 9/25/16 anniversary sunrise in OCNJ;  3 - October 2016 Powerscourt Waterfall in Wicklow, Ireland; 4 - November 2016 in Edinburgh, Scotland; 5 - December 2016 at Crystal & Drey's wedding; 6 - New Year's Day January 2017; 7 - February 2017, a 70 degree day prompted a trip to the beach with the dogs; 8 - March 2017 a frigid day to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge and see Book of Mormon; 9 - April 2017 Regina Brave event at the Peace Center; 10 - May 2017 a cold Memorial Day weekend at the shore; 11 - June 2017 in Corsons Inlet; 12 - July 2017 in Emerald Isle, NC after a few days in Ocracoke; 13 - August 2017 Friday afternooning in the North End; 14 - 9/24/17 late anniversary eve on the beach

What works and doesn't for you? 

Linking up with Lauren & Bre

It's the end of the world as we know it and I do not feel fine

Yesterday I compared this week to a down on its luck country song, and I wanted to be able to come back today and say that feeling is gone but it's not.

Don't worry, I am not going to be the person who talks daily about how her dog is dying. But he is, and that is affecting me in a major way so to ignore it is inauthentic. I can't have this blog if I can't be authentic. I cannot show you my joy and refuse to acknowledge my pain. Please don't feel like you have to say you're sorry or anything every time because that is annoying for you, you know? Just send some love.

On one hand I feel like I can't keep writing about this and on the other hand I feel like I can't stop. I know, you're like please...stop. LOL. I don't want to talk about it and I can't stop talking about it to myself. I don't care about anything else and that makes me angry with myself because there are so many other things to care about. I am trying to get through the day at work without crying at my desk (about half successful all week) so I can go home and be alone. I prefer to be sad alone. It was good for me that MFD was in Houston all week.

Monday night I cried and moped and Tuesday night I was in a fog. Both nights I was in bed before 9 pm. All of those things are quite foreign to me - if I cry, I am a quick crier. I don't mope and I don't walk around in a fog unless I have taken conflicting cough medicines and made myself feel like I was on ludes (are they still a thing?). Wednesday night I set out to be more productive and that's when I felt the best. If I am upset about something, I am most comfortable with action, even little things unrelated to what I'm upset about. So I tried. With my usual little self care perk me up things.

Like fresh nails in one of my favorites, OPI My Private Jet. I never use this color without singing I see a line of cars and they're all painted black

I started a new book and said fuck it to two, one that never worked for me and one I loved but felt like I couldn't spend another minute reading. I've gotten more ruthless in the past few months with my do not finish books. And another great Show Us Your Books month, of course. I am still getting around to reading the last 10 linker uppers. Did you catch up with the end ladies?

I saw my niece and I think she was literally the only thing I smiled about on Tuesday. It is impossible to not smile at her. She's funny.

I made a batch of power breakfast muffins to freeze. I always feel better having frozen food ready.

Shoe purging and organization has begun. When things feel chaotic, simplify. Simplify. And if your handwriting is like mine, for God's sake use a label maker. We're not heathens.

Fresh sheets + completed laundry. Freshness never hurt anyone.

Dogs. Always dogs. The incredible love they give is worth the heartache of watching them wane. 

Because it is fucking heartbreaking and it's not going to be something that can be solved with my usual perk myself up tricks. Last night MFD returned from Houston and I was back to laying around crying all night. I want to say I've gotten a grip, I'm handling this! But I haven't and I'm not and that's just how it is.

I think what surprises me the most about how I'm dealing with this is that I'm very straight forward when people I love die. I am sad, sure. I will miss them forever, of course. But I am also very circle of life and I handle it better. I am usually the one in the funeral line who does not cry. When it's time for someone, it's time. I accept that and I want them to have peace. I of course want my dogs to have the same but I want their time to be up when my time is up. For the millionth time, I wish my dogs could talk. This is animal grief this week, and it is ugly.

But this weekend, to the beach, which Geege has always loved. We'll carry him down to give him what might be his last few days in the sun.

Enjoy your weekend. Hug your people! Hug your dogs.

Hey, wha' happened!?

Have you guys seen A Mighty Wind? It's my second favorite of the Christopher Guest mockumentaries I love so much. Anyway, there's this bit from it that sticks with me in which one of the characters says Hey, wha' happened!?

I say it a lot, typically in a week like this when I feel like I have a good grasp of what's coming before it all comes tumbling down like a John Cougar Mellencamp lyric.

I set myself up for it good this time, boy. I spent four days and five nights at the shore, where I don't watch the clock and am more apt to run my day according to where the sun is in the sky. I was alone from Thursday night until Sunday at noon, sinking slowly and resolutely into myself and just being, which I love to do. I never turned the TV on and was lost in four different books during that time. I mostly drifted along aimlessly with very few cares. I have a loose routine down there (come on, I'm still me), but loose is the key word.

How I live down the shore when I'm not spending my free time doing the necessary shore chores is so different from how I live here that it's a jolt to get back to reality when I'm down there longer than a weekend. Uncomfortable, too, like trying to fit in skin that's suddenly become too tight. It's a physical disengagement just as much as it is a mental one - there I park my car and never get in it again until I leave unless we leave town, which we rarely do. I walk or ride my bike everywhere. I spend a lot of time on the beach or just outside in general. I miss that when I'm here. But life is in two places and I need to figure out how to make it work best for me, which includes working from down there some days and coming back at the crack of dawn Monday mornings.

Of course I woke up yesterday and thought it was Monday, like the rest of America. I drove home from the shore in the morning for the second week in a row, and I quite like it. It allows me to be mindlessly productive - get laundry in. Tend to flowers. Get ready for work. Feed dogs. Stuff I don't need to plan or think about but can do on autopilot as soon as I walk in the door. I was feeling good, had some stuff done early, and strode into work purposefully with an iron grip on my coffee. I was going to rock it today.

I opened my planner and thought hey, wha' happened!?

Where did these appointments come from? 
Oh that's due.
Shit I forgot that was coming up. 
That should have been done last week. Must follow up immediately.
Whyyy are my library books due today, it's going to rain and I need to haul ass over there!
Fuck I need to get those birthday cards in the mail. 
Do I have any blog posts scheduled for this week? 
That fucker never got back to me!
What kind of groceries do we need? 
Wait, what do the dogs need? Let me take care of that order first. 
Maybe just ramen this week. No? 
The IT department needs to do what tomorrow?
Do I have to do that or can that wait until next week? 

etc. etc.

My home persona is appalled at this as she is never unprepared. My shore persona is all take a nap, it'll be fine. I need those two bitches to meet in the middle. I had high hopes for last night but alas, I ate ramen for dinner and fell asleep on the couch by 9.

Happy Wednesday...it is Wednesday, right?

Things I'm Not

At a certain point in blogging life, any time you think of an idea for a post you automatically think well shit, have I done this before? I've been using this space since August 2011. By this point, chances are I've done it or something like it before. I just hope it's not been any time in recent memory. Anyhoo...some things I'm not.

Perfect. I love the quirks and the stuffing sticking out of the sides of people's lives more than anything that's straight down the middle. I don't have a version of myself I want to present to you here that's different than the myself I am everywhere else.

Sad that I don't have kids. I have not had one second of regret over that decision. The older I get the happier I am that I stuck to my guns and listened to my gut instead of societal pressures.

As aloof as I appear to be when you first meet me. I am not outwardly warm and fuzzy when I first meet people. I am reserved and observant and that combined with resting bitch face can come off poorly. I'm used to hearing I thought you were a bitch by now. And to be fair, sometimes I am a bitch, because I don't like you.

Fashionable or trendy. I will wear what I like and am comfortable in. If that happens to be in style, great. If that happens to make me look like Dorothy Zbornak, that's okay too.

A joiner. I don't seek out ways to occupy my time with group activities. I'm not most comfortable in a large group.

A night owl. I prefer the morning.

Going to keep doing something that has stopped working for me. I change stuff as often as necessary.

Interested in giving up cream in my coffee. Ever.

Lonely. A few weeks ago I was at the shore and MFD was home. He called and said "Are you lonely? You sound lonely." I said, "Do you know me? I'm never lonely." LOL Do I miss him sometimes when we're not together? Sure. But I'm never lonely.

A windows up driver. Windows down, music up.

Bored. One of my pet peeves is adults who say they're bored. You're an adult with a brain. Figure out something to do.

A head patter or sugar coater. I am not the person you come to when you need  or want those things.

In need of approval. Yours, hers, his, anyone's.

A survivor. If the apocalypse comes and we end up in some world that closely resembles any of the Dystopian novels I've read, someone go ahead and put me out of all of our miseries.

A napper. My goal for this summer is to be able to take a nap on the weekends and wake up without being a troll from hell.

A joke teller. I have no ability to retain jokes so that makes it very hard to tell them.

Afraid of confrontation. I don't actively seek it out, but I don't back down from it either.

Someone who uses a hair dryer. My hair gets blown dry at the salon because Kristi will not let me out of the chair otherwise. That is the only time. No exceptions for weddings, events, etc.

Comfortable speaking in public. I hate it. Nothing will make me feel good about it.

A paid protester. I just wanted to clarify. There seem to be some misconceptions out in the world today.

A dropoff Democrat. PA friends, I hope you're voting in the primary today. Polls are open from 7 a.m. - 8 p.m. Do not be the person who only votes every four years or every two years please. Local elections are extremely important - primaries included - and they happen every year. I'm actually probably not a true Democrat anymore either if I ever was, but you need to pick a party in order to be able to vote in the PA primary. Rude.

PA Dem voters: Check out Ellen Ceisler for Commonwealth Court Judge. She's fierce. 

Philly Dem voters: Larry Krasner for DA. He's progressive as fuck which we need right now. 

His civil rights background is exceptional. A straight shooter, no posturing or politicking. 

Lay it on me. What are some things you're not?

Rape Culture: Know what it is and end your contributions to it

Since April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I kicked it off with some upsettling infographics and facts and I'm ending it with a post on rape culture. I'd rather talk about something else too, believe me, because I am sick to fucking death of banging this drum, but I will keep going until the rape culture is smashed. We've got to stop this shit and unfortunately it will take every single one of us to do it. 

To start, we can stop acting like rape culture is a popular new buzz phrase bitchy feminists have come up with in the past few years because they have no sense of humor. 

It's not. 

It's when sexual assault, rape, and general violence are ignored, trivialized, normalized, or made into jokes. If you think those things are a rarity or anything outrageous you hear about (Brock Turner) is a one-off or isolated situation, you're mistaken. And also fully immersed in rape culture. Because this shit happens every day and it has forever. Rape culture exists because we don't believe it does. 

And it's a very hard cycle to break from, even for women and feminists. We were raised in this culture. We've heard victim blaming on the news, read it in the papers and online. It's been around us since the beginning of time. We've said the things you should never say as an automatic reply to stories we hear. It's ingrained in us to not make a big deal out of things, to let it go, to look over our shoulders, to shrink in situations where we might be vulnerable, to think well why was she walking alone? 

On a very, very basic level:

What can you personally do to end rape culture? 

-Stop blaming the victim. It doesn't matter what she wore or how much she had to drink or where she chose to walk alone. She wasn't asking for it and she didn't deserve it. If the thought comes to mind, eradicate it. 

-Never, ever say well it wouldn't have happened if...

-Do not insult this issue with but what about women who cry rape. Seriously. Don't. For no other crime do we attempt to give the accused the benefit of the doubt. Imagine hearing well there are those kids who just say they were molested ...or I'm sure they didn't mean to break into your car, it was just a misunderstanding. Etc. 

-Cast off outdated ideas about sexuality. She wasn't asking for it because she's a person who's had sex. Stop calling women who have sex sluts and whores because they do it and like it when it's consensual. 

-Know women are full human beings with the right to bodily autonomy. 

-Recognize that most rape talk centers around female victims but that there are male and LGBTQIA victims as well and that if women are afraid to step forward as victims, those groups are even more so. 

-Don't laugh at rape jokes. 

-Teach your daughter to take up more room, not less, and that if anything ever happens she should come to you because you will believe her and fight for her. Find a self defense class but at the same time try not to be so heavy on the protect yourself message even though that goes against everything we as women know. It is every individual's job to protect themselves but girls should not have to be MORE careful than boys. 

-Teach your sons not to rape. Boys will be boys does not apply here. 

-Teach all kids about enthusiastic consent - it's not just about a no. It's about a conscious, enthusiastic yes. Flirting is not consent. 

-Speak up. Rape culture grows in silence. I've been on the end of you're too sensitive/it's a fucking joke when I've spoken up about rape jokes and that feeling sucks, for sure. But not saying anything and giving something pervasive, damaging, and ugly room to grow feels even worse. 

Reductress viciously satirizing rape culture to show how fucking insane it is:

Man Who Sexually Assaulted You Likes Your Facebook Post About Assault

'Most Women Lie About Rape,' Says Man Lying About Rape

Fun Summer Cocktails When They Ask You 'Well, What Were You Drinking?'

Which is what we all need to do: turn rape culture on its head and kick it in the ass on its way out the door. It's way past time. 

National Sexual Assault Hotline, accessible 24/7 via 1-800-656-HOPE or online.rainn.org. 

The 30s: A Retrospective

I'm five days away from saying goodbye to my 30s. In July of last year, I wrote about not fearing the 30s, but I didn't want to let this milestone pass me by without a proper sendoff. In that blog post I talked about how I felt as I aged through this decade, but not about what happened during it because how do you sum up the events of 10 years?

If you're me, you take the easy way out and stick to the big things.

I got married. It's been glorious, wonderful, maddening, and ugly. As long as you come out of the maddening and ugly parts on the same page, it's all good. It's really interesting to have a front row seat to someone daily and see how they grow, change, and stay the same.

I watched my friends get married, a few get divorced and re-married/re-partnered in ways that suit them so much better. Some have had children I consider my nieces and nephews. My own blood related niece was born and she reminds me so much of my Grandmom and Mom-Mom that I sometimes cry thinking about how absolutely delightful they would find her.

I grew apart from some people I thought I'd be close with forever, and grew close with people I never imagined entering my life. I turned my back on people who destroyed my energy and peace without one regret because when it's a choice between you or me, I will always choose me. My inner circle got smaller but has never fit me so well. I see friends I haven't seen in months and it feels like sliding into my favorite chair. I don't see my friends face to face as much as I did in those endless nights and warrior weekends of my 20s, but we see and appreciate each other for who we are far more.

I had times of being flat out unable to pay bills and times of feeling so fortunate and comfortable financially that I couldn't believe it. These days I typically find myself in the latter comfortable camp, but I don't ever let myself forget how the former felt.

I left the second job of my career and started the third, where I still am. I became a public transportation commuter and that has provided me with endless rage and entertainment.

We bought a house when we were totally not ready to buy a house. A little over six years later, we did that again but this time at the shore. No material possession has ever made me as happy as owning a shore house and I don't think anything will ever come close.

We added two dogs to our family, bringing our canine population to three...which is two more than I ever thought I'd have at once.

I went to Ireland, Scotland, South Africa, New Orleans, Maine, San Francisco, Chicago, Emerald Isle; Disney multiple times including finally seeing it done up for both Halloween and Christmas; Salem and Boston, MA; Rhode Island; Riviera Maya and Cozumel in Mexico; Cocoa Beach, Key West, Islamorada, Ft. Lauderdale, and Boca Raton in FL; cruise stops in the Bahamas/St. Martin/St. Thomas/Cozumel; Niagara Falls; Yellowstone, Grand Teton, Devil's Tower, Badlands, Little Bighorn; and other places I'm forgetting. Every place I've visited has claimed a small room in my head, heart, or both.

I stopped doing what the world told me I was supposed to do and started doing what works for me in my life at that moment.

I changed a little bit every day.

I can't begin to describe the little things or the daily things, and those things...those are the things that actually make a life. Those things are one of the reasons I started this blog.

I've seen and done a lot over the past 10 years. I've been so many different versions of me.

I've learned a lot about life, myself, and the world; and forgotten about the same amount in all columns.

My 30s were full of messes and triumphs. It has been amazing and interesting with a dash of awful or exhilarating thrown in here and there for balance. I can't imagine how my 40s will top it, but I look forward to finding out.

It's not about being political. It's about being human.

"I am angry," I said on Saturday as we were driving through Somers Point. MFD was shoving Goldfish crackers in his mouth in the passenger seat. I glanced over, not sure if he heard me. Just as I was about to freak out and accuse him of not listening to me, he turned the radio down and said cautiously, "Well, it's good that you recognize that. What are you angry about?"

Let us begin. 

Words have been hard for me. I'm grasping. Distracted. Skimming the surface and lacking in personality in this space. I sit down to type things out and my brain just won't articulate. My friend Heather wrote a post about blogging in post-election America Friday. It wasn't until I read it from a writer I respect that I realized that was it. Heather's subjects are more serious and her writing more eloquent than mine, but it felt good to see something I've internalized. YES, my spirit said. I see my reflection there.

What the hell does my weekend recipe matter when I find myself sitting in a room with a small group of people on a beautiful Saturday morning listening to two Muslim women field questions about their faith and culture?

I went to a Meet a Muslim event Saturday to be a friendly face. Sitting in that chair, I felt anything but friendly. I wanted to stand up and scream STOP. STOP DEFENDING YOUR WAY OF LIFE AND YOUR RELIGION BECAUSE YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

I didn't want to scream AT these women speaking, of course. These women were intelligent, coming from a place of yes, and a little out of their comfort zones. They don't do this for a living. They were just there as people, talking to other people. I kept thinking how brave as they fielded questions. Imagine you, a Christian for argument's sake, standing up and attempting to answer questions on behalf of ALL Christians. Impossible. There are so many different types of Christians, and levels of belief within those different sects, and some individual and larger groups of Christians who have done really awful things, so you certainly don't want to speak on their behalf. I mean, the Nazis were pretty staunchly Christian, and the KKK is still loudly and proudly Christian. The quite Christian pro-birth movement has set fires to women's health centers, murdered doctors, and gunned down clinic workers. All acts of terror for sure, committed in the name of religion. Do we want to define other Christians by those people? Hell no! Swap out Christianity and Islam and the answer is hell yes.

The very fact that this type of meeting, an attempt to reassure us and educate us, is even happening is what boils my blood. This is where we are as a society? We treat crimes by white Christians as one off, out of the ordinary, the exception to every rule, something a mentally unstable person did. We don't assign violence as an aspect of their culture, religion, or race as indicative of a larger problem that the rest of us should be afraid of. And we won't even admit that we frame them differently.

So no. I don't want these women to have to spend Saturdays answering questions about being a Muslim and I don't want to write about this because it is common sense. I want ALL of us to spend our time living as human beings, not worrying about other asshole human beings. This enrages and exhausts me and hurts my heart. If I am feeling like that as I sit in a place of privilege, I truly cannot imagine what my fellow Americans who are Muslim are feeling.

This is beyond politics. We can talk all day about politicians and how they behave and what they do. But when they point to a group of people and tell us to fear them and we do that? That's on us. That is on every single one of us. That is being complicit or not being complicit in the persecution of others. And we've seen what has happened at the other end of that many times throughout history, haven't we? When people were largely accepting of things that might have been legal at the time but were absolutely morally wrong? Do we want to be people who were blindly led to fear others and acquiesced?

I don't. I won't. Put me on the fucking watchlist. You can drag me kicking and screaming away along with them.

Please don't think this is not happening. There is a Muslim Watchlist. Bank accounts are being frozen. People at airports and borders are being questions about their religious and political beliefs and asked to hand over their social media handles and cell phone pass codes. For no other reason aside from being Muslim.

We have a chance to change the outcome. We do not have to watch people be subject to crazy bullshit or be taken away in the night. We must be good neighbors who stand up for one another even if that person looks different or worships differently.

I would venture to guess most people grouping the over 1.6 billion Muslims in this world together as a group of people worthy of suspicion have probably not met or spoken to many Muslims...that they know of. If they have, they somehow convince themselves that the Muslims they know personally are okay, but the others out there...questionable.

I listened to these women Saturday speak about feminism in Islam, how LGBTQ people are treated, the work Mosques are doing in communities, what it means to wear hijab or not wear hijab, what this much talked about sharia law is, struggles within the community, etc., and thought if I substituted some words I could be listening to women talking about their experiences in Christianity or Judaism.

I wish there was some way we could have rotating weekly dinner parties with people who are different from us. When you put faces to these people, it is a lot harder to be okay with being hateful and fearful of something you don't know much about. They probably hate when people drive slow in the left and when people let their kids run around nice restaurants like assholes too. And I bet a lot of them cry at This is Us.

We are so much more alike than we are different. Peel the top layer off and there we are, all bleeding.