Family ties in adulthood

As we get older, our relationships with our families change. When we’re small, we’re surgically attached to our parents. During our teenage years, we strike out alone, but then when adulthood comes around we start to rebuild our relationships with our parents as not only parents but people when we start to see into the world beyond ourselves and have lives and families of our own. Family relationships aren’t always easy to navigate and negotiate.

Your Parents

As you get older it can be hard to accept that your parents are getting older too. As children we’re selfish, absorbed in our own little worlds, and in this particular relationship that can linger when we grow up. If we're lucky enough to have a good relationship with our family, we assume our parents will always be there to provide love, guidance, and support, so the first moments when you start to notice some frailty and signs of old age creeping in can be a huge shock to the system.

It’s important to make the most of your parents while they’re relatively hale and hearty. Spending time with them is something that you should make room for and not just in the role of grandparents to your children if you have kids. Your own relationship with them is important and must be maintained. Going for lunch with your mom or taking your father to a game or concert.

It can be hard to figure out how to form a more adult relationship with our parents - when you’re home with them you might find yourself revisiting that teenage urge to slam doors and huff dramatically. But take a breath and push that away so that you can form a new and more equal relationship with your parents as fellow adults. Try to engage in their hobbies with them - they probably have more time to spend doing what they love now you’re an adult so why not join in? It’s often a lot easier to talk when you’re occupied doing something else so you don’t have to focus entirely on each other - that’s why some of the best conversations we have are in the front seats of cars when we’re driving somewhere. Figure out who your parents are away from their family life - their misspent youths, their favorite bands from when they were teenagers, their relationships with their own parents - and you’ll figure out you’re more similar than you realized.

Remember that relationships with parents are not always easy. If you feel that they are trying to infringe too much on your life, particularly on your own parenting, know that it’s absolutely okay to set boundaries. Communicate in a respectful but firm way so that they're aware that you’re an adult and when it comes to your family, your rules are much more important than the way they would prefer for you to do things.

Your Grandparents

If you’re lucky enough to have your grandparents in your life as an adult, you probably already know how lucky you are to still have them around. As you get older, your grandparents do as well, and you might notice that taking care of them is starting to stress your parents out. Looking after elderly relatives is on the rise, and it can create a huge sense of worry for people of baby boomer age.

Take the weight off your parents’ shoulders whenever you can. Take dinner over to your grandparents, do a little light cleaning or errand running, check in on them. Take photos of your friends and family to show your grandparents, introduce your pets to them, read them excerpts from the newspaper, talk to them about current events, teach them some technology. Maybe suggest that they spend some time at their local senior center - they can form new friendships, play cards, and have an array of new activities available to them.

If your parents are worried about your grandparents, those worries will only increase if one of them passes away, leaving your other grandparent living alone. Remember that it’s okay to suggest assisted living facilities and nursing homes - these are often nice places where older people can make friends, socialize, and take part in fun activities. 

Your In-Laws

One of the big relationship building exercises of your adult life is commingling your ways with another family's - your in-law's. Being thrown into a brand new family can be fun and loving but can also be difficult and stressful - figuring out how this family operates, your place in it, how to negotiate another family’s Christmas traditions. As always, you have to give and take a little. Sometimes in-laws can be an issue - we clash with people in our own families, of course we will clash with people in our partner's family -  but they can also be the source of a huge amount of joy. Being accepted into a whole new family can be a beautiful thing - your sister in law might become your new best friend, your mother in law might be the greatest grandma in the world to your kids. But it’s important to communicate and to make sure that your partner is on your side if there's not a metaphorical seat at the table for you in their family.

Your Siblings

Of all your family, your siblings are the ones who have been there your whole life and will be there for the rest of your life. However, that doesn’t mean that you’ll get on well with them - the saying goes that you can’t pick your family, and sometimes you might look across at your brother or sister and wonder how on earth you grew up in the same house. You didn’t choose the relationship but you can choose how you react to it. If your personalities clash, remember that it's okay to keep some space between you.

You may already have family traditions but why not create some new ones with your siblings? You could throw an annual holiday party or summer reunion that will enable you to spend time with your brothers, sisters, and their families. You could also try to spend time with them more regularly if they live close by - take a look at what’s happening in your local area and arrange to attend concerts and festivals together as a family.

Your Nieces And Nephews
Not everybody who loves kids has kids, whether that’s because they decided it wasn’t right for them or because their lives went in a different direction. If that’s the case for you, you probably place a lot of value on your relationship with your nieces and nephews. However, if you aren’t used to hanging out with kids, it can be hard to know how to relate to them. It isn’t all about throwing gifts at them every time you see them - although that helps - but it’s about forming a great relationship with them that will last right through into their adulthood.

The best way to do that is to ask them what they’re into at the moment. A lot of the time, that probably isn’t too detached from things that you love. Your niece might love Captain America, and guess what? The Marvel movies might just be your thing too, so you can spend hours talking about how cool Captain Marvel is with her. Kids love being talked to as though they’re adults - don’t boss them around or talk down to them. Ask for their opinions and talk to them as though they’re the same age as you but with less curse words of course. Another great thing to do with kids is encouraging creativity - offer to babysit and get stuck into an art project with them. Tape sheets of paper together and trace their outline on it to color in; or take them out into nature to collect fallen leaves, sticks, and petals to make collages with; collect shells on the beach and paint them. Make an effort to have fun with them, listen to what they want to do, and treat them like little adults.

Your Cousins
Many of us grew up alongside our cousins, with great memories of Christmases and summers spent together. But when you’re an adult it is a whole lot harder to maintain those relationships and it’s easy to drift. The best way to prevent that from happening is to make an effort: set aside time each week to call them, to send an email, or to hang out. If you live close together, treat your cousins like your friends and make an effort to meet them. They may always be there at big family occasions because of your blood ties, but you can’t take that for granted and like any relationship, you need to put effort into it. Your shared memories are great but you need to create new ones too.

The Rest of Your Extended Family

With busy lives and schedules it can be hard to keep in touch with your extended family in adulthood. Simple gestures are a great way of letting people know that you care about them. As always, if there are members of your extended family who you don’t get along with and who you dislike, you don’t have to stay in contact with them. That racist uncle? You don’t have to hang out. That cousin who teased you when you were little and has only got worse since then? You don’t have to be friends. Politeness is great if you have to spend time together, but remember that you don’t have to maintain relationships with people who are toxic just because you’re related to each other. That's why our adult family is, to me, our true family - made up of both people we're related to and people we choose to be related to. Framily.

Seven marriage things that have worked and seven that haven't

Yesterday marked seven years of marriage for us. This year has not been one of the easier ones on many levels but we're here, looking forward to the next year in this world together. Speaking of the future...when we were engaged and going through all the hoopla, I was told or read many pieces of  time honored advice and closely held convictions of others about what marriage is or should be. If we would have listened to them over doing what worked for us, we'd be sunk. The truth is every marriage is different. Every couple is different. You have to do what works for you. Chart your own course. 

These things have not worked for us.

1. Don't go to bed angry. Fuck that! Fuck that right now. We've gone to bed angry many nights, sometimes more than one night in a row. Marriage and life in general are complicated. Some shit is a big deal and takes time to sort through. Having to pretend to not be angry anymore before bed would go up my ass sideways. 

2. Keep date night. We're married. Isn't every night date night? 

3. Keep her happy with flowers. I appreciate them, especially when they are the cheapies from Produce Junction but am totally okay with buying my own. I'd take no dishes in the sink over a pretty bouquet any day of the week. 

4. A house is not a home without children. It is a home. Sometimes it's more than one. Wink wink to everyone out there who thinks they have the okay to comment on the reproductive choices of others. We don't need kids to start a family. We are a family. 

5. Nobody likes a nag. Nobody likes shit that doesn't get done for days. If I asked for it to be done and it's not done, you'll hear about it whether you're my husband, my contractor, or God. 

6. Be everything to each other. Good for you, not for us. See number four below. Also, MFD is not my best friend and I am not his. We are very good friends though. 

7. Act like divorce is not an option. It is an option. It's good when you know you'd choose to stay. That is not possible in some situations and I'm not participating in that farce. 

Things that have worked in our marriage: 

1. Share experiences, not gifts. I am a practical gift giver, which is not MFD's favorite. He is an expensive gift giver, which gives me anxiety. We both enjoy shared experiences, dinners out, travel, etc. much more, so that's what we do now. Or we buy what we want and say thanks, you got me this and I really love it.

2. Not freaking out over being out of sync. Life is long. So is marriage. It'll come around. It will require some work like all things worth having, but it'll come around. 

3. Sit beside each other in pain. You can't fix some things, you can't take away pain, you can't solve things, you can't heal things but you can sit and BE there through it. You are the constant and the constant is enough. 

4. Space. We do not do everything together. I cannot think of something either of us would hate more. 

5. Appreciating the little things. The little things add up to more than the big things.

6. Practicing self care. If one of us is not doing that, our marriage buckles under the imbalance. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else - including being there for your partner. 

7. Laughter, always. 

Here's this year's collage - see this anniversary collage in 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016. 

1 - 9/24/16 whale watching in Cape May; 2 - 9/25/16 anniversary sunrise in OCNJ;  3 - October 2016 Powerscourt Waterfall in Wicklow, Ireland; 4 - November 2016 in Edinburgh, Scotland; 5 - December 2016 at Crystal & Drey's wedding; 6 - New Year's Day January 2017; 7 - February 2017, a 70 degree day prompted a trip to the beach with the dogs; 8 - March 2017 a frigid day to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge and see Book of Mormon; 9 - April 2017 Regina Brave event at the Peace Center; 10 - May 2017 a cold Memorial Day weekend at the shore; 11 - June 2017 in Corsons Inlet; 12 - July 2017 in Emerald Isle, NC after a few days in Ocracoke; 13 - August 2017 Friday afternooning in the North End; 14 - 9/24/17 late anniversary eve on the beach

What works and doesn't for you? 

Linking up with Lauren & Bre

Closed today on account of marriage

These two are getting married today. My brother Stephen and his long-time girlfriend Aubrey.

I love Aubrey. Which, as we all know, is not a given when someone marries into our framilies. I can't even make any schmaltzy now we're family statements. They've been together for 12 years, same as me and MFD. Aubrey and I have been family. I'm excited to stand up as a bridesmaid today when they make it official. She will be a stunning bride who will light up the room.

The four of us over 12 years ago in July 2002. 

The four of us a week ago today, Nov 7 2014

This little boy, six years younger than me, nemesis and intruder on my only child status in his early years, tormenter and source of gross boy smell in his adolescent years, lifeline in some hard times (his, mine, and ours), and one of the people I love the most in life...he's getting married today. Cue sentimental me. I expect to have some tears.

It is a wedding, after all.

I love wedding days. The beauty, the details, the hoopla, the show, the attire, the music, the food, the dancing, and the happy. All the happy.

I send a million good thoughts to the couple and hope a lot of hopes for them.

I hope day of hopes, like I hope they look around and really appreciate this wedding day that will fly by, that they take a few minutes to themselves to be all oh shit we're married!, that they always feel the support of the people who were here to witness them saying their vows, that they don't feel too rushed, that their pictures turn out awesome, and that they really enjoy this day.

Then I hope lifelong hopes, like I hope they know that a bad day personally or as a couple doesn't mean a bad life, that they know commitment will carry them through when the love and even the like isn't there, that they recognize their job as their partner's support and encouragement system is now the most important job in their life.

Then I take a zillion photos, have some apps, and go to the bar and get some free drinks. Today is my 11th and final appearance as a bridesmaid. This old broad is retired. I'm going out with a bang.

Cheers to love, cheers to weddings, and cheers to two people who I love very much on their wedding day.

Cheers to my dear friend Melissa on her birthday. Thanks for being real, always speaking the truth, listening when I need someone to listen, always supporting me, and being a lot of fun. 

Cheers to Friday, and cheers to you. 

Friday Five: Roles I Play in my Relationship

In keeping with the marriage theme this week since yesterday was our wedding anniversary, today I'm talking about roles I play in my marriage.


1. The Schedule Keeper - If you want to know if we can make it, you should probably just ask me. If you ask MFD,  he'll say I think so and then text or call me immediately to see if we're actually free, already booked, or have planned to not be free (AKA do nothing at home).
1a. The Vacation Planner - This is number one's little sister. Once the destination is picked, I make all of the arrangements and check in with him for opinions on restaurants, excursions, make sure his must dos made the list, etc.

2. The Detail Person - I'm concerned with how things go on a day to day basis and what we're doing/seeing/spending/saving now (which translates into The Bookkeeper). MFD is the big picture guy. That's an important balance to have, we remind each other of things the other one does not consider.

3. The Straight Man - In our comedy duo, MFD is the genial funny man and I'm the one who delivers the sarcastic line. We play well off one another.

4. The Hard Ass - When someone needs to be the heavy (with a company, about service, with someone who's being an asshole) or when someone needs to be told no...that's me. This week's shit list included Comcast and Verizon.

5. The Cook - We're actually both good cooks, but I end up doing most of it for various reasons including scheduling and the fact that I like to plan and prep ahead in regards to meals. I also really enjoy it. MFD typically makes a meal when he's seen it on TV and has a burning desire to make it. In that case he'll go out and do all of his own shopping for it as well.

What roles do you play in your relationship?

Romance is dead because that's how I like it

via

About 10 years ago, MFD brought home this weird cooler thing. He was full of glee as he sat down on the bed and said, "Look! I got you a present!" I unzipped it and it was a picnic basket cooler with all the things you need to eat on some grassy knoll or the beach. "We can go on picnics," he exclaimed. "That's...um...nice," I said.

Before you think I'm a total asshole (too late?) you should know I appreciated the gesture and that he chose something we could use on an outing together. I'm just not the girl who swoons over a picnic. We did pack it for vacation one year. Then he suggested ordering pizza so we didn't have to clean up, and I said, "Now you're speaking my language." When we moved, that went into the donate pile.

Via

You won't find me in the awwww chorus when your man does something super sweet, I have to remind myself to ask to see your engagement ring because I just don't care about jewelry, I'm not into public displays of affection (go on with yourself if you are, but keep it clean friends!), surprises freak me out, I don't like the word cuddle, I like candles but don't want to live by candle light, I have no desire to be swept off my feet, I don't take baths, I'm not a When Harry Met Sally fan, and it makes me sad to see rose petals on the ground instead of whole in a vase. I'm just not a romantic. I never have been. MFD is a romantic, and he's awesome at it. He puts up with me anyway.

There are women out there who are all I want to live in a Nicholas Sparks novel! Movies & books have made people lose their fucking minds and think relationships should be a living dream brought to fruition by the perfect person. Two things: 1. There is no perfect person. 2. There is no perfect relationship. Work at it, communicate, and show up for each other every day even on the hard days. That's real life romance.

Then there's me, living with the master of the Grand Gesture, happiest when he's vacuumed so I didn't have to, cleaned the snow off of my car, or run an errand I didn't want to run. The flowers and surprises are nice, but it's the day to day stuff that really matters to me. Don't worry, I do like power ballads, when MFD asks me to slow dance in the kitchen, tales of 50 year long marriages, hearing about why your partner is awesome for you, iconic LIFE magazine shots, Casablanca, etc. The other typical romance stuff, eh.

via

What about you? Romantic or no?


Linking up with Kathy for Humpday Confessions.

 Linking up with Shanna for Random Wednesday

Shit MFD said this week

When I ask him to stop blocking the TV during the final dance scene of Dirty Dancing:
What? You've never seen this before?

When I wake him up from a very long Sunday nap:
What should I be doing? Watching the stupid Property Brothers?

Eating fruit cobbler I made Sunday and pointing at me with his spoon:
You know what? You should open up a fucking Honey's Sit-n-Eat type thing.

After not looking for the Gavescon at all. This can also be applied to keys, mouse, money, lighters, iPhone charger, ankle brace, whatever:
MFD: Where's the Gavescon?
Me: In the paisley box next to the pink box.
MFD: I don't see a pink box. This? (touches a tan box right next to the pink box)
Me: No.
MFD: What the fuck? Are we playing hide and seek with the medicine now?

Via text about a package we were expecting:
Me: I think the lamp arrived.
MFD: Wish it was a leg lamp...

When I told him I was doing a shit you say blog.
Oh. That's good.

Haikuesday:

Why can't men find things?

Age old question, am I right?

Just fucking look, men.

AND and and...check me out at Insert Classy Here where I'm sharing Hausfrauing Tips & Tricks today.

Tomorrow: bitches eating crackers. See you then. I hope your Tuesday doesn't suck hard.


Linking up for

The Honey Bunnies vs the reality of relationships

Everyone knows them - the flawless relationship people. They walk through life publicly declaring their love and happiness, as if shouting it out will make it true every day. He's so great! We're best friends! Love of my life, every minute of every day! I believe he is great and that you love your life. But I don't think you're riding the bliss train 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

So I call bullshit. There's no relationship that's aces 100% of the time. And here's a secret: there's no need for you to pretend yours is. Your relationship is probably everything you want, need, and could dream of 90 percent of the time. The other 10 percent can be ugly, but you're not alone and you don't have to hide it. You're not perfect, and neither is your partner. Sometimes you do things to hurt each other. That's certainly nothing to be proud of, but it's not a shameful secret either: we all screw up.

I'm not encouraging people to air their dirty laundry for all the world to see, and for crap's sake, keep it off social media. I'm saying it's okay to go a day without declaring you're the happiest in all the land. I'm saying it's okay to acknowledge that you're pissed off at your partner, or that you're disappointed.  It's okay to be real about the reality of relationships. When we stop pretending things are great all the time, we become more approachable. We understand each other better. We're able to help each other more. We're less inclined to judge others while trying to sweep our own pile of crap under the rug.

It's mostly women out there fronting for the benefit of other women. I think a lot of people are afraid to be real even with their friends because while they crave validation, they also cringe thinking of hearing how horrible whatever their partner did is, how their friend wouldn't put up with that, etc. They don't want their friends disliking their spouse over something they themselves are going to move on from pretty quickly.

The truth is that while we're comfortable spouting off about how we wouldn't put up with what our friend is dealing with, we do put up with other things that our friends wouldn't. While we all love to tell our friends what we would and wouldn't take, please proceed with caution. What your best friend and her husband fight about might be different than what you and your husband fight about, but the fact is this - everyone fights over something. Just make sure you fight clean and you'll get through it.We all eat a little shit. And we should remember that when we're being there for our friends. We're sometimes too earnest in rallying around a wounded bird. We cross the line and morph from a supportive sounding board to a harsh and unyielding judge.

I really try not to do that, but it is a fine line. I'm the friend people talk to when they want honesty. I'm the friend who will tell you that yes, your spouse screwed up, but we all screw up. I'm not going to hate on your spouse later for a mistake, because it's not my marriage, and because you don't want me to. Unless you get the big D, then I will hate all you want. And I am so so glad I have a few friends like that around me. If you don't have one, find one. Everyone needs one.

Because amid the fluffy clouds and happy butterflies that dot the landscape of our long-term relationships, there are bumps in the road. There are times you're not on the same page. When you're in it for the long haul, these things are not the end of the world. The every day bullshit you have to learn to navigate together can cause friction: housework, bills, who does what when, staying in versus going out, where you'll spend the holidays, if you'll have kids, how you'll raise your kids, and a million other things. Communicate, always, and you'll get by all of it.

Don't compare. Who cares what someone else has? Concentrate on what you have. Be cognizant of what powers your love machine and what you need to bring to the table to make it work. Because it is work, and it takes work to maintain a good relationship. If you've truly given it your all and it's not working, walk away. Everyone deserves happiness. But make sure you really have given it your all and you're not just being lazy about putting in the effort.

Source

It's safe to say that you'll love each other every day, but in the middle of a battle of wills, you might not like each other every day. That's okay. It's not a comfortable or nice place to be, but nevertheless it's where we sometimes find ourselves. No relationship is perfect, just like no person is perfect. I think fitting perfectly together is what's important. In a relationship, you are a unit. But there's also two individuals who are constantly growing and changing, and sometimes you need a period of adjustment to each other's changes. Life is long, give yourself and your partner some time to adapt.

Since Dear Abby is dead, I thought I'd step in and give you all an unsolicited pep talk on relationships, friendship, reality, and how the illusion of perfection goes over like a shit balloon. You're welcome.

Speaking of relationships, make sure to catch my interview with MFD, my other half, here on Tuesday. He's quite a card so I'm sure it will be a worthy read.

The older the fiddle, the sweeter the tune - Irish Proverb. Alternate title: Happy Birthday MFD!

(Posting this on 8/31, the birthday eve, since we will be at the shore tomorrow on the actual day)

Happy 34th birthday to my friend of 21 years and my husband of 341 days. Life is a grand adventure with you.

So cute. Disregard the white ear, I don't have patience to fiddle with PhotoShop to fix the scan.

Who is MFD? Michael Francis Doyle Jr. is loving, happy, funny, silly, interesting, zany, likeable, welcoming, inclusive, inquisitive, joyful, spontaneous, unique, and curious. He is a people person. He is a master of The Grand Gesture and The Surprise. He constantly whistles a melodious tune without realizing it. He is kind to everyone even when they don't deserve it. He truly is a kid at heart.

He knows history and politics and loves reading about, watching and researching both. He's a staunch democrat and works to help candidates out around election time. He subscribes to Time Magazine. His favorite channels are Discovery, Weather, History, and National Geographic. His favorite movie is Big, with the Star Wars movies and Braveheart close behind.

He's in that rare class of people who both love their job and are great at what they do. He loves helping friends find homes that suit them perfectly, and he's really good at it. I think I was his worst client and he was very patient and kind to me. I was a raving lunatic during our house hunt. tra la la la laaaaaaa

He is a great musician. He appreciates all kinds of music. He sings and plays the sax. He's a mummer.  

He is Clark Griswold at Christmas. He resembles Bill Clinton. He usually forgets underwear on vacation. He is murder on cell phones. He eats Carvel ice cream cake every year for his birthday. His favorite meal growing up was his mom's salmon casserole. He loves the ocean. He loves fishing. He's an excellent swimmer. He does line dances at weddings. At parties he often disappears and reappears in a ridiculous outfit or someone else's clothes.

Thank you Evan Leslie for this portrait of MFD in Michelle's dress after a wedding.

He likes his kitchen to hold Oreos, fruit snacks, Ellio's pizza, Kraft mac & cheese, Chicken in a Biscuit and Ritz crackers, EZ Cheese, Tostitos queso, neapolitan ice cream, Ring Dings, Combos, gummy bears, Life cereal, and twizzlers. He is a very good, creative cook. He makes excellent seafood, specifically scallops in a blush sauce.

He can't and won't be rushed - he does things on Michael F'ing Doyle time. He's meticulous about his clothes and irons every day but keeps casual t-shirts until they are as soft and holey as woobies.

He talks to our dogs in a made up language.

He makes me laugh even when I don't want to. He drives me crazy. He allows me my moods, over-organizing and cleaning behaviors and embraces my Randy the slug episodes. He never asks me to shovel snow. He always outdoes me on Christmas gifts. He gets up and lets the dogs out every morning even though I'm already up just so I don't have to get up even a minute earlier. He is my opposite in so many ways and brings so many things to my life that I wouldn't have otherwise.

He is not perfect. I am not perfect. Together we are not perfect. Together we are simply us, and that is perfect for me.

On his birthday I felt like listing what I love about him, which is a million little things...the preferences, penchants, and idiosyncracies that make him who he is. I couldn't find a Hallmark card that did that. Get on that, Hallmark.

Happy birthday lovey. Enjoy your day in the sun.

Singing an off-key happy birthday to MFD,

SMD