Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I didn't marry my best friend

I always hear, see, and read, "I'm married to my best friend."  It's all over wedding stuff, like it is a given that that's what's happening - you're marrying your best friend. If your spouse  is your best friend, that is wonderful - I'm not bagging on you in the slightest so don't get your knickers in a knot. I do think in some respects it's become cliche - people feel like they're supposed to say it. Enter moi. I decided it was time to come out of the closet - there are marriages in which the wife does not consider the husband her best friend, and the husband does not consider the wife his best friend. Marriages like mine.

MFD and I have been friends since we were 13 years old, which is 23 years now. We've been together for 11 years. We have literally grown up together. He has always been and continues to be a very good friend of mine, but MFD is not my best friend and he never will be. He's my husband. I think that title bears enough weight by itself. My best friends? They were the people standing behind me in the bridal party line.
I do not want to tie the same person into the role of husband and best friend for a whole host of reasons, one being what if something happened? Then I'd lose both my husband and my best friend in one fell swoop? And myself and my mind in the process, obviously. I got married with the intention of it being forever. Forever is a long time, and if something happens to him before me, leaning on some close friends isn't going to cut it. I will need my best friends for that.

I also need my best friends to
  • See movies like The Notebook or Bridesmaids
  • Discuss the 50 Shades Phenomenon 
  • Consult on female body issues
  • Agree to take care of my chin hair if I should become comatose
  • Take my facebook page down immediately if I die so it doesn't become a morbid visiting place
  • Sound off to someone without them wanting to fix it
  • Sit next to in pedicure chairs
  • Drink wine and let loose with in the afternoon
  • Let my mean girl out to roam around without fear of judgement
  • Just be unguarded with people who see me for me and not me as a wife 
  • Tell me when the dress looks bad
  • Bitch to when my husband is driving me fucking nuts and know they're not going to hold it against him when I get over whatever it is
Let's face it...some things are just better done or discussed with your girlfriends. Especially those WTF is it with men in general situations.

My best friends have comforted me through many things, talked me down from many ledges, had so many serious and frivolous conversations with me, made me laugh until I snort, and just been a source of a criminal amount of fun and tomfoolery in my life. They are the sisters of my heart. I don't always need to explain how I feel to them because they just know.

Sure, MFD makes me laugh, and we have fun, and he's there for me. He is the most important person in my life, but he is not the be all and end all. I don't think that makes our relationship any weaker. Sometimes I feel like there's a WHAT? He's your spouse but not your best friend too? stigma, and to that I say that this is a choice for me. As my life goes on, I will continue to cultivate my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with my friends. Both roles are critical and integral to my happiness.

I don't want one person to be my everything unless that person is myself. At the end of the day, I stand on my own. On the rough days, I'll be propped up by my husband on one side and my best friends on the other. It's what works best for me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.




42 comments:

  1. I agree I will always need my girl best friend. There's just certain things you can't say to a man best friend even if he's your hubby..

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  2. This is very strange, I'm working on a similar post about Brie and I.

    I love this, you have 110% hit the nail on the head.

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  3. Nicely done. I believe this one belongs under "popular posts" its a gem. Happy Tuesday - or not :)

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  4. love this!
    "Bitch to when my husband is driving me fucking nuts and know they're not going to hold it against him when I get over whatever it is"

    especially this- so true. there is one friend that i bitch to about kirk. but she also knows the best things about him and never judges him by my cranky ass complaining.
    thank god for friends.

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  5. I would say I didn't marry my best friend. He has turned into A best friend but not THE best friend, if that makes sense. I definitely still need my girls!

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  6. This post is just another reason why I love your blog. As a single girl I have often thought if I'm dating a guy and his is not becoming my best friend then maybe I'm doing something wrong, even if I love him. Great post!

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  7. I am not YOUR best friend, Steph.
    I am your MOMMA! To each her own, but when moms/daughters say they are best friends- its not my bag or yours either. That being said, everyone's relationship is unique and it's best when it's mutually beneficial most of the time.
    Love that I do not have to be Rich's mom. My.favorite.thing. Love my friends to vent to and talk women stuff with. Blessed and say thanks a gazillion times a day for you and all my loved ones. We are #LUCKYDUCKS!
    Carpe diem this summer day! #SUMMERISTHEBEESKNEES

    love your momma

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  8. AMEN.

    I will also add that my husband doesn't want to be my best friend. (And I mean that in the best way possible). He understands that there are some things that he just doesn't understand, and will never understand. And he's glad that I have a BFF to go to at those times rather than just having to watch me flounder, unable to help. And that makes me love him even more.

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  9. I don't have a husband or even a boyfriend but I love this post. "Take my facebook page down immediately if I die so it doesn't become a morbid visiting place" I've tasked a few a friends with this job, just in case.

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  10. Maybe I`m old fashioned, but I do consider my wife my best friend. I agree with you that it`s cliche and most dont mean. So kudos on being honest.

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  11. "He's my husband. I think that title bears enough weight by itself."

    I completely agree! Great post!

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  12. I am with you! I always thought it was weird that people do that. Please at least like your husband as a friend...but like you said.... he doesn't want to hear your vagina business. Great post!

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  13. Tom is definitely one of my best friends. The other is my best girlfriend. Tom always says, the one mistake he's made is that he's not her. She'll always have a place in my heart he won't be able to fill

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  14. I 100% agree here. John is one of my best friends but not THE best friend. Quite honestly, I don't think I could identify just one best friend. I have many, and like you, the ones who were my bridesmaids. Husbands just can't do it all/be it all.

    I totally agree with your mom too. I hate when people say they are best friends with their mom. It's just not possible in my opinion. I tell my mom a lot but there are many many things I would NEVER EVER tell her that I would tell my girlfriends.

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  15. I don't see how considering my husband my best friend could be wrong? Not every person has great friends that are there for everything, no matter what. A spouse is there no matter what, at least mine is. I have a few great friends, that I consider my best friends as well; however, I also consider Pat my very best friend. I do not care about cliches or how I am looked at or labeled. I just know that I really DO consider him my best friend. We have gone through a lot in life and he helps me through things and I help him through things. He knows more about me than anyone I know, except siblings and parents, of course.

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  16. Tiffany - I will direct you to these two lines in my initial post:

    1. If your spouse is your best friend, that is wonderful - I'm not bagging on you in the slightest so don't get your knickers in a knot.

    2. Sometimes I feel like there's a WHAT? He's your spouse but not your best friend too? stigma, and to that I say that this is a choice for me.

    I'm glad that Pat is your best friend and that that works for you. I never said there was anything wrong with it. It's not something that works in my life, and my main point is that that's okay too.

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  17. You make such a good point! And by the way, I love the "take down FB page" task because I do not want a morbid memorial either!

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  18. This is great because it's a well thought out post. I'd have to say my hubs is the only person I think I could say/confide absolutely anything to. However, I totally get what you're saying. Sadly, I don't have any female best friends ... we've all drifted. Well maybe one bc we've been through similar struggles lately. I have different female friends who meet different needs in different ways. But, life is all about finding all the people who meet all the needs you have. Long as you got that covered and there isn't someone who is meeting more of your emotional needs than your spouse, I think you're pretty blessed. And, along with what your mom said, moms and dauhters who are best friends (especially while the child is still growing up) = recipe for disaster.

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  19. agreed, amen, preach. i get the feeling like i;m going to vomit sometimes when i read blogs that are all about stupid lovey dovey all the time. it's not reality!

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  20. I agree with so much that you say here. I am not a big fan of the "Today I will marry my best friend" things. I think a husband is something completely different. My relationship with him is something completely unique from that of any of my friends. He is my best friend in a sense but more than that, he's my husband. Our relationship is on another plane. Best friends are important and wonderful too, but it's really apples and oranges.



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  21. I LOVE THIS. Garrett is the most important person in my life, but he's not THE ONLY, for all the reasons you mentioned above. I still need my best friends, too.

    And really, I've known Garrett for almost four years, but my best friends have known me for 10+ years. Sometimes you need those people who have ALWAYS known you, you know?

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  22. Thank you for this post! My husband and I have had the best friend conversation. We are not best friends and I'm so glad I'm not the only one!

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  23. I completely agree with this! Your friends are soo important!

    Love your list...I would add get rid of the toys if I die haha

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  24. I think I married one of my best friends, but I don't think you can survive with just one person holding that title in life. I'm the same way with family. I wouldn't trade my best girlfriends for anything. I mean, come on, who would go see NKOTB with me next weekend? Not my husband, that's for sure.

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  25. I don't know why I always remember this but someone somewhere (like YEARS ago) noted that when celebrities commented that they had married their best friends, they were divorced shortly after and since then I have always made it a point NOT to call Jason my bff. Yes, you're right he is the most important person in my life (and he is, and my life would suck and be sad without him in it!) too, but the girls in my life and my mom and sisters...those girls didn't marry me (haha) and we all still choose to be friends and that is sooo invaluable to me.

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  26. Yup. Totally. Despite the shambles my marriage is in right now, Pete and I were very, very close friends. But he's not the BEST friend and truthfully, I don't think you can have a BEST friend. I think each close friends fills a different part of your heart, something akin to having more than one child, I imagine. You don't have a BEST kid (that you admit to, anyway). So that's my two cents.

    Topic switch: When I was little, my dad had a friend who was a Mummer and I thought he was so cool that I asked for his autograph! So, remember that when the hubs leaves his socks on the floor. He's a big deal.

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  27. yet another reason why i love you: "I don't want one person to be my everything unless that person is myself. At the end of the day, I stand on my own." <-- this is SO VERY TRUE and i think that all women should have this self-confidence.

    my husband is not my best friend; i have my girlfriends for that and there are some things that my friends know that my husband will just not get (more to do with girls understanding girl things and guys thinking "WTF!?" LOL).

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  28. This is fantastic. I totally agree and both are important. But, some of us aren't so lucky to have the amazing friends that it sounds like you have. So we are stuck giving our husbands that title... til someone "better" comes along! (See also: why I wanted to start blogging. Gotta find some ladies to have wine nights with, ya know?)

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  29. Stephanie, you are my hero. You really are. I appreciate that you say these things out loud. I've been thinking this since I started looking at wedding planning items and I felt like kind of an asshole because I don't call Justin my BFF. Unless he starts painting my nails, I will always need my girlfriends.

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  30. I don't actually give Jacob the title of my best friend, but he pretty much is. He's the one I'd rather spend all my time with. Of course I need girl friends for girly stuff. Oh and they all know to remove my blog, twitter and facebook when I die. That's so important!! :)

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  31. I went thru a rough time with my group of friends and felt like i had no other friends other than my husband....but even then i'm not sure i would call him my best friend....i totally agree with your list above and remove my chin hair line made me laugh!! i totally need my girl friends for all the girly stuff you mentioned and then some..

    p.s- my group of friends and i all made up and we are closer than ever..it's a personal belief that all relationships must go thru a bad patch to test the friendship/ relationship...make sense?

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  32. Great post. I can totally understand your reasoning here. I don't have a husband or boyfriend but when that person comes along there is no way he will replace my best friends. They are very important and have been in my life a long time!!!

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  33. Love this post. In my case my best friend lives way too far away so my husband really is like my best friend. We do everything together. But I can totally see where you're coming from. I complain to him all the time that i need new friends. lol. My friends are lame and my real bestie lives 4 hours away so I'm always bored on nights like tonight when he's at work.

    hopelesslyeverafter.blogspot.com

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  34. Since I just found you, I am playing stalkeratizzi, but I completely agree with all of these sentiments. 'He is the most important person' was my favorite part. I have said that over and over. The fact that my hubs isn't my best friend certainly doesn't lessen his role of importance! They are just two very different roles.

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  35. Steph, You are my best friend in the MORNING! HAHAH!!! NOT... Love ya Doll!

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  36. Agreed: http://lbloveknowitall.tumblr.com/post/86350650625/your-partner-is-not-your-bff

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  37. I kinda like the way you wrote this and your perspective. I totally get it. Also, for the reasons above, THIS is why I need more girlfriends. When my hubby drives me up the wall, I don't have anyone to sound off on. I really miss having a best friend. It seems most of my life people have used me as a friend and being there when they need it. When I need them? Forget it. I do have a few close friends but nothing like a best friend that I used to have 15 years ago. It's so much harder meeting and find new friends when you're older. Especially if you're a homebody and an old fart that does old lady things. hahahah

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  38. My husband is my best friend (he/we actually do a few of the things on that bulleted list!) - but, as you basically said, a lot of people toss this now-cliché phrase around and don't seriously consider it. Everyone's life is different. I am a huge fan of the Harry Potter series, which involves three main characters being best friends, even after two of them become romantically attracted to each other. If I were one of the people in the romantic pair, I would not stop calling the third person my best friend.

    My husband is my best friend because he has treated me the way that a friend ideally should - more so than anyone else ever has. He won't cancel our plans if he is invited him to something else that sounds better. He tells me his honest opinion (even if it's not what I want to hear). He is interested in my feelings/opinions/happenings, not just his own.

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  39. Love it. I have long wanted to comment on the "married to my best friend" thing because it's everywhere. Usually the formulated bio of "I'm [NAME]. Lover of Jesus. Married to my best friend. Mother to two." Nothing wrong with any of that but I see it so frequently I tend to get a little "yeah... yeah...". ha. you make great points here!!

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  40. I'm not sure I read your blog when this post went up! But, I agree with sentiment behind it. I love my husband as my husband and a friend, but he doesn't fill every box for me either. My closest friends fill boxes he can't and for me shouldn't fill.

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  41. I'm glad I'm not the only one coming down here to comment three years after the fact... :D Your tagline in today's post peaked my interest ;)

    I love this because I agree. While I'm 100% ok with people doing what works for them, it makes me sad to lose friends because they start dating or get married and then give their husband allll their time and secrets and friendship. It just doesn't work- at least not for me. Can I talk to K about anything? Yes, absolutely. Does K want to HEAR about everything? No, definitely not. He doesn't need to know when my boobs hurt or when the show I'm watching is really interesting or what color bras I need to get. And I don't need to know when the Cavs win or what the details are with his truck or what size belt he wears.

    And K getting the label "husband" is so different than "best friend." He's my favorite person and I love him and he's the ONLY one that gets that title. But my girl Kayla gets the phone call when some hottie winks at me in the grocery store or I'm marooned on the bathroom floor with serial-killer-stabbing cramps. And I like it that way :)

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