Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Stop hitting me in the ass with your cart - we all need the lights, Sharon.

It's poor form to begin a blog post about one subject with a tangent about another, but my form has never been good. I love the memes using women's names, usually featuring pets. Don't you? They crack me the fuck up. If you ever see one and it's funny, tag me. Do not tag me in not funny shit. 
Anyway.

As I mentioned yesterday, I went to Target on Sunday at 2:30 pm. I was cruising along through most of the underpopulated portions of the store, humming to myself. I saw Christmas lights straight ahead so I made my way into that aisle. 

Annnd stop. 

Carts on both sides gumming up the works while their women drivers were very busy locking hungry eyes with items on shelves like they were Johnny Castle in his cabana after pulling off the dance at the Sheldrake Hotel with Baby. No problem ladies, carry on in your sensual eye dance with prospective mantel decor. I will go around. 

I did a cart K-turn which I hate even more than an automobile K-turn and headed down the next aisle over. I parked a discreet distance away, hoping I'd be in and out of the light section in a flash and thinking it would be easier without my cart. 

Surprise! There are now 203948203482384 varieties of white lights. I took a minute to look over my options, and in that minute, four different women hit me with their carts. I'm bad at math, but that's like someone hitting me every 20 seconds. No,15. Whatever, the point is what is it about the holidays that makes people lose all control in stores? It's like zombies focused on one thing. Everything and everyone else is just in the way.

Sharons, we all need the lights and we're all going to get the goddamn lights and we don't need to run each other over in the process. Chill. And buy yourself a box of brownie mix on the way out because damnit you deserve it.

22 comments:

  1. Lol. There are 50 million kinds of everything these days❣️ Sam's has their Christmas stuff out in September and people buy! Lights are tricky, too. They work when you test them out inside and when they are hung , some of them crap out. I always say the more white light, the better. Oh, what fun! Happy holiday season to all. Love. Your. Momma.

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  2. Just noticed the Christmas nougats❣️ Mommom❣️

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  3. People are freaking nuts around the holidays! When you had a woman's name to a meme it instantly becomes 15x funnier.

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  4. I’m going to skip over the main idea of your post for a moment to tell you that I absolutely love K turns automobile or otherwise!!
    Now on to the lights we need some and I’m dreading going to get them.
    My mom dragged me to Christmas Tree Shop In August to look for lights!

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  5. Shopping around the holiday is so stressful. Everyone goes nuts.

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  6. First time I've ever heard of K turns -- U turns, yep. K? nope. I avoid driving anyway so maybe this is something I do but never knew it had a name. All the light options ... color, type, length of strand ... too much.

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  7. OMG Christmas Nougats!!! Oh yes, I avoid at all costs but man do you have to brave it sometimes and just deal with the crazies.

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  8. We just started pulling it all out of the attic last night. I’m not sure why, but I’m kind of dreading the work of decorating. I’ve gotten lazy in my old age! Merry Merry!

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  9. Our house definitely has different shades of white lights hung out front and I just decided that I don't give a shit. I don't have time for being a crazy person this holiday. BUT I do have time for some Brownie mix and funny dog memes. I'll be on the hunt for you!!

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  10. It's like being the sober person at the bar and the drunkies keep hitting you, what the heck.

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  11. So funny! What about holiday drivers!!

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  12. Hahahahahahaha! Seriously, though. My shopping strategy for the holidays is park the cart, weasel into the aisles, and return to home-base occasionally to drop the goods in the cart. And if someone is with me, they can guard the cart because I just don't have time for their inexperienced ass to waddle in between crazed shoppers. I'm surprised some folks don't strap bayonets to the front of their vessel and just charge through the store. Lol

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  13. I love those memes too and always have to laugh because most of them have the name Susan, which, ya know... #Sue.

    The holidays really make people insane, I SWEAR.

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  14. Hahahaha you have me cracking up so much right now with the Sharon. Those memes are seriously the best. And also, I was at Target on Saturday trying to party shop and grocery shop and OMG why were all the people there? I had Zoe in tow with me and she was over everyone before we could get out of the store too. And then everyone drove like assholes in the parking lot and there was so much traffic on the road in front of the shopping center and I basically swore not to people again til 2018.

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  15. This made me laugh so hard. It's always a Sharon.

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  16. I almost spit out my lunch laughing at the meme. My dog always knows. And Sharon is perfect. Target this time of year is hell!

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  17. haha... the things that stress out the holidays :)
    I think we can all use brownies every day of December ;)

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  18. LOL... the pug meme. It's so true. They can spot a pill a mile away. Even the blind ones.

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  19. OMG getting hit with carts is THE WORST. This is one of the many reasons I hate Costco on the weekends. Gluttonous people in a hurry, and no regard for other people's bodies...I've gotten hit more than once in the butt, and my achilles before because of these morons.
    Love the pet memes!

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  20. Ugh yes. I am always trying to leave Hubs with the cart and ninja my way in & out of aisles but sometimes even that isn't enough...bless you for even attempting the light section.

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  21. LOL this is on point. I've noticed people are on their phones 9 times out of 10 while in stores nowadays so its no surprise that they're bumping into everyone in their way. Plus people are always cray-cray this time of year. Sorry about that!

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  22. I usually go to Target on a nice, quiet Tuesday morning, or a Thursday at lunch time, so (like a big fat idiot) I was not expecting the madhouse on a Saturday two weeks before Christmas. It was nuts! Thankfully I didn't encounter any rudes, it was just so crowded it was hard to get around. They had free coffee throughout the store though, so if I was a coffee drinker, I would have appreciated that.

    Also, I had to google "K turn." Haha! We call it a three-point turnaround up here.

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