I can’t look at my phone I need to pick up my phone

I picked up my phone in a meeting to see something a coworker sent, the banner told me ICE murdered an American woman in her car. I looked back at the screen and affirmed the mailer is in design

No phone this morning, so much shit is flying around that I clenched my jaw so hard in sleep my teeth are going to crack if I keep doing that and this little computer will show me things I cannot see right now, I have to go to my office and act normal

But I need to pick up my phone to 

check the train schedule

sign in to my computer for two factor identification 

respond to a notification on a work social account 

text my sister in law happy birthday 

answer my intern

No phone this morning, my neck is so tight it feels like it might snap I don't think ibuprofen can help this and this little computer will show me things I cannot look away from right now

Can’t pretend it’s not happening

Can’t excuse what’s happening

Can’t ignore what’s happening 

Can't operate through the day without the knowledge of this sitting behind my eyes, in my body and we all know the body keeps the score

What are we doing to ourselves

What are we doing to each other

There’s no liberty in any of this

Take me back to 

paper everything

analog everything

news that airs three times a day in half hour segments

news that does not disrupt my central nervous system 

precedented times

Although in the history of the world and of the United States, these actually are quite precedented times

when we don't look at the whole picture of history

when we whitewash history

when we intentionally silence certain voices in history

when we learn to memorize for a test and not to understand history

when we don't think critically and connect the dots throughout history

We're doomed to repeat it, in the most embarrassingly precedented manner.

The unprecedented part is 

access to first hand accounts 24/7 on this little computer

access to unreletenting breaking news on this little computer

access to so many books and studies on this happening throughout history that we can learn from

access to how this ends, how it has always ended

Yet despite the unprecedented access to historical information and real time real life no AI bullshit video, people are still

downplaying

going to great lengths to justify and defend

ignoring every cell in their body screaming this is wrong, on every level 

avoiding 

being willfully ignorant of Constitution of the United States

acting like everything is normal

saying this is just politics in America

thinking this has to just be politics, it can't be what it actually is

failing to understand that this is about human beings, and none of us can survive being flippant about the violation of someone else's humanity without losing an integral part of what makes us human ourselves

siloing individual existence when all of our existence is tied together

What are we doing to ourselves

What are we doing to each other

There’s no liberty in any of this

Take a break, we say 

Take a break and nevermind the people who 

are watching this in front of their faces and not on a screen

having their faces ground into pavements across the streets of this country under the boots of masked men with permission no encouragement from the administration, violence coursing through their blood

have their doors kicked in for looking a certain way despite being born here, as American as white lady me

can't look away because their continued existence depends on them having their head on a swivel every minute of every day

can't take a break

The continuation of this system relies on those of us who are privileged enough comfortable and still relatively safe enough to be intimidated, made afraid, shamed into silence, ridiculed like we're overreacting when we are in fact underreacting as individuals and a collective, get quiet, turn it off, zone out, take breaks 

We’ll come to a point where there’s no break for anyone

Then what?

Then what

More than words, or no words. Same diff.

This weekend on Instagram Alyssa  posted a tweet something about the world being out of things to say and I replied I have absolutely nothing left except things that make me sound like I've eaten a bunch of acid. Like things I'd not normally discuss, or that make little sense, have no importance/aren't even interesting, just going off on tangents about nothing. I've got nothing. Nothing going on, nothing new. I am looking forward to things, but that's not a cure for the same ol' of today. It's also different to carry on a virtual conversation with someone versus being in person and having conversation flow naturally. 

Do I mind being home most of the time? No. However, I do gain inspiration from being out in the world, so I  lack that now and have for quite some time. Many of us draw inspiration from being out in the world and some people probably didn't realize that until this past year. Even the most self-proclaimed anti-social not people persons among us suffer from such limited social interaction and lack of proximity to actual humans in the same space, both strangers to observe and also humans we love and see often. We are not built for so much solitary time, even those of us who love it and prefer it (meeee). When I do see people, I am reminded that I have to learn how to be with people again. Coming up on a year of a life much different than most of us have always lived, the strain is real right now, even from places of privilege. If you are a person who creates or shares content for a living or because you like to personally via blogging or social media, it is not an easy content creation time. It's not just about the creation of actual content - the inspiration, writing, graphics - it's knowing the people you're serving it to aren't that hungry, or they've already eaten that this week. You don't necessarily feel like reading or writing a lot of things and you can definitely feel the mood that people don't feel like receiving them. 

Combine that with hitting the grisly over 500,000 dead from covid in America milestone, all the political and social unrest that's not left us alone and the knowledge of the work ahead to dismantle systems, the frustration over vaccine availability and rollout, the gray and cold and precipitous weather for most of us in the northeast, the devastation in Texas and other southern states from a climate crisis weather event, and it's certainly straight put your head down and get through the day status right now. A more quiet period. A collective period of don't have much to say - not just me, and not just you. Maybe a period where we let that be and don't try to fill silence because we think we have to or should. A break from the constant posting and scrolling and consuming and feeding and scrambling. 

I read this on the Ladies Pass it On facebook page on Saturday and thought yes. Yes. 

You’re not imagining it, nobody seems to want to talk right now.

Messages are brief and replies late.

Talk of catch ups on zoom are perpetually put on hold.

Group chats are no longer pinging all night long.

It’s not you.

It’s everyone.

We are spent.

We have nothing left to say.

We are tired of saying ‘I miss you’ and ‘I cant wait for this to end’.

So we mostly say nothing, put our heads down and get through each day.

You’re not imagining it.

This is a state of being like no other we have ever known because we are all going through it together but so very far apart.

Hang in there my friend.

When the mood strikes, send out all those messages and don’t feel you have to apologise for being quiet.

This is hard.

No one is judging.

Donna Ashworth

Hang in there friends. We're almost through February. The vaccine rollout is happening, albeit not as quickly or as easy to understand as we'd like. We'll be spending more time outside again soon, which made it so much easier to socialize last year. You're all invited to bring a blanket and sit with me on the beach. 

This morning's sunrise thoughts

I love when I get to the beach for the sunrise to see the moon has stuck around to bear witness.

Insert peace sign here. 

You guys. Seriously. Please. Think before you take, use, consume. I have always tried to mind the earth, but being down here and seeing our trash wash ashore all the time is making me nuts about it. 

And yes, Bruce is still on the beach at 5:45 am despite there being no dogs on the beach in Ocean City from April 30-October 1. Of all the rules to break in life, I am okay breaking this one.  He's on a leash not harming a soul and not only do I pick up after him, I pick up all the other trash I see too. Live and let live. I will never understand why this town doesn't just allow leashed dogs early or late in the day. You would not believe the hell people give other people for doing this. Just, why? Many people do the it's the law song and dance, as if they have never gone over the speed limit, had a drink before they were 21, littered, etc. They also do the they poop song and dance, which, have you ever seen what humans do on the beach? Not always good or sanitary.

Well that was a tangent but come on they're dogs. This land is your land, this land is my land, and this land is their land too. The beach is for all of us. 

Added bonus of early sunrise season: a little extra work in early in the day. Getting shit done, my friends.  

Happy Friday!

Two extra hours

One of my most frequent wishes that I'm sure I have in common with many of you is wanting more time. Since life is not a TV show there are limited possibilities for extra time. Working from home is one of those for me.

When I work from home, I gain two hours that are typically spent in transit. Here are some things I did with those two hours yesterday:

Cleaned out the freezer, froze some bone broth in the two missing Ball jars, sat out back with a La Croix and a book I decided not to finish, made power breakfast muffins and froze them,

treated the dogs to a dental sticks taste off, cleaned out my living room and bedroom humidifiers because I'm fucking done having the heat on, finally figured out storage for the washable flannel pieces I use in lieu of cotton balls or face wipes (it's only taken me over a year to move them into the bathroom instead of in the top drawer of my dresser), rescued Gus, washed both couches,

sat with my old dogs, played ball with the puppy, made a to do list for today and tomorrow, packed the 2018 beach tags to go to the shore tomorrow, put a pile aside for Lola Jean, and had the windows open all damn day.

Last night I went went to Pets Plus for Mae's special snowflake wet food and to Target for milk, eggs, TheraFlu, and buy one get 25% off sunblock. And I did those things totally forgetting I had glopped on a shit ton of two different new eyeshadows to test. People were looking at me weird and I was all don't worry I'm going to wash my hair tomorrow, everyone but it turns out the hair was not the only thing giving people pause.

When i got home and saw myself in the mirror I was crying laughing. What an absolute boob.

Anyway today is Friday and I hope to see many of you at MFD's campaign benefit tonight - tickets are available at the door. Don't worry, I'll either be wearing no eye shadow or matching eye shadow so you won't have to say Steph, what the fuck.  

If I won't see you tonight, I wish you all the time in the world to spend however you choose this weekend. 

New Christmas Carol: The Errand Song

On the first errand of last night the universe gave to me

A missing ship to store package Home Depot comedy.

On the second errand of last night the universe gave to me 

Zero cans of Mae’s food I had called about previously.

On the third errand of last night the universe gave to me 

No high maintenance person organic creamer for my coffee.
(who am I?)

On the fourth errand of last night the universe gave to me

Driving the wrong way on two one ways to tap MAC for money. 

On the fifth errand of last night the universe gave to me

A loudly arguing about not suitable for public things family.

This post could also be titled Five Reasons I Get Everything Delivered. 

Happy weekend my friends. May you not have any verses to add to this song. 

I never thought I'd be so casual about poop incidents

Saturday Laura called me as I was pulling into my neighborhood on my way home from the shore. I ran into the house and right upstairs to pee because best friends can talk on the phone while they're peeing.

Gus had followed me up. Gus is 12. Gus is an incontinent walking pooper. Gus was so excited I was home that he did the walking pooping. Bruce Springsteen stepped in a piece and held his foot up like an alien had taken control of it. I cleaned the poop up, tossed it into the toilet, said my goodbyes without even mentioning this poopscapade, and further scarred the puppy by cleaning him off with water.

To reiterate: a dog pooped in the hallway, another dog stepped in it, and I was so unfazed that I didn't even yelp or mention it on the phone. When I came down and told MFD what transpired, he barely acknowledged it before we started talking about dinner.

I could regal you with so many stories that are absurd and hilarious, but that's probably enough grossness for one morning.

If you would have told me before I got dogs that I'd be like oh there's poop in the house, let me clean that up and go about my business, I would have laughed in your face.

But here I am, on a Wednesday in December 2017, offering it up to the Internet that I am a person who has become totally casual about poop incidents. This is what you get when I just post off the cuff, topical to my life right now blog posts.

Is it wrong to wish my Dad and Carol a happy 20th anniversary at the bottom of a poop post? Sorry guys. Love you and happy anniversary!

So how's your day going?

Stop hitting me in the ass with your cart - we all need the lights, Sharon.

It's poor form to begin a blog post about one subject with a tangent about another, but my form has never been good. I love the memes using women's names, usually featuring pets. Don't you? They crack me the fuck up. If you ever see one and it's funny, tag me. Do not tag me in not funny shit. 

Anyway.

As I mentioned yesterday, I went to Target on Sunday at 2:30 pm. I was cruising along through most of the underpopulated portions of the store, humming to myself. I saw Christmas lights straight ahead so I made my way into that aisle. 

Annnd stop. 

Carts on both sides gumming up the works while their women drivers were very busy locking hungry eyes with items on shelves like they were Johnny Castle in his cabana after pulling off the dance at the Sheldrake Hotel with Baby. No problem ladies, carry on in your sensual eye dance with prospective mantel decor. I will go around. 

I did a cart K-turn which I hate even more than an automobile K-turn and headed down the next aisle over. I parked a discreet distance away, hoping I'd be in and out of the light section in a flash and thinking it would be easier without my cart. 

Surprise! There are now 203948203482384 varieties of white lights. I took a minute to look over my options, and in that minute, four different women hit me with their carts. I'm bad at math, but that's like someone hitting me every 20 seconds. No,15. Whatever, the point is what is it about the holidays that makes people lose all control in stores? It's like zombies focused on one thing. Everything and everyone else is just in the way.

Sharons, we all need the lights and we're all going to get the goddamn lights and we don't need to run each other over in the process. Chill. And buy yourself a box of brownie mix on the way out because damnit you deserve it.

National Days

I love how Geege is in the background of both of these photos

Today is National Coffee Day.

Listen...can we talk about this? Every day is National Coffee Day.

Just like every day is National Dog Day. And National Best Friend Day. And National Don't Be an Asshole Day. And National Book Day. And National Grammar Day.

Some days are National Siblings Day, but only the days when my brothers text me back, which they don't always do. Rude. And I wish every day was National Hot Dog Day because I love them and I don't care what's in them or how bad they are for you.

Today is also apparently National You Need to Wash Your Hair Day, which I found out when MFD examined my hair before bed last night and said, "You're washing your hair tomorrow, right?" Right. Sometimes I push it on the hair washing days. It's nice to have a person to tell you when it's really time. Thanks, marriage.

Today is also my cousin Tyler's birthday. Happy birthday!

And of course today is Friday. Sweet sweet weekend bringer. This weekend has many good things on the horizon for us. I hope yours does as well.

Oh! And what color is your coffee? Mine is iced, but it's D.