Tuesday, October 23, 2018

I think I've gotten comfortable being uncomfortable

I finished up work and put my computer away at 9:44 last night and sat down on the couch. MFD was actually home, which is rare in itself, and not on the phone, which is a fucking unicorn sighting.

We had a conversation, person to person, that wasn't about money or the business of living or work or the campaign but about life in general and feelings. We haven't spent time this year ruminating on our individual or joint dreams or our future or places we'd like to go. We've spent nine months in the trenches digging - digging deeper holes for ourselves, digging ourselves out of holes, tunneling forward, digging through walls to find other people working towards what we're working towards, digging out of avalanches others have caused, trying to avoid hitting each other with the debris. Just fucking digging.

Last night I asked if he thought I'd wake up the day after the election and feel comfortable. I have not felt comfortable anywhere at any point in the past nine months. I've experienced minutes, hours, or days where I've felt safe with my best people, but inside? Never comfortable.

He said he did think that I'd wake up on November 7 and feel comfortable.

Laura said the other day she's not sure how I'm doing this. At the beginning of February, I was a fucking mess. At various points through the year I answered how are you holding up with I’m not/this is hard/I hate this etc. By the end of October? I feel forged of steel. This is tiring and too much but it no longer feels consistently difficult. 

No matter who you are or what’s going on, life is simply a series of stages where you’re  trapped in a cocoon until you fight your way out as a butterfly. You’re stuck until you un-stick from what’s keeping you from flying.

Perhaps I've gotten very comfortable being uncomfortable.* I suspect the comfortable I knew before February will feel like clothes that have gotten too tight on November 7. We don't grow out of comfortable spaces. We grow in discomfort. We grow in the trenches. Nine months in the trenches is a lot of growth. I have a new comfort zone. I'm looking forward to testing out its edges.

Two more Tuesdays. What are you doing to help a local candidate you believe in get elected? If you're not sure what to do, let me know. I can help you. And Philly friends, if you're around Thursday night, come to the last fundraiser for MFD before Election Day - Thursday, 10/25 from 5:30 - 7:30 at Fergie's pub. Tickets are $35, get them here.

 By the way...I will never get comfortable being uncomfortable in shoes. This applies to internal growth only. 

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