Thursday, December 1, 2011

Taking a page out of US Mag.

This post is modeled after US Magazine's column 25 Things You Don't Know About Me...only they use famous people and I am not famous. Discuss amongst yourselves if reading US makes me shallow, vapid, and part of the problem with pop culture.

Andplusalso, everyone on my facebook newsfeed is all "Fa la la la la my house is fully decorated for Christmas, welcome Santa and tiny baby Jesus in your golden fleece diaper, we are so ready for you" and I'm all, "It's December 1, I have no kitchen, my entire house is chaos from this kitchen remodel, everything is dirty with a fine layer of drywall dust, early darkness makes me want to be a slug like Randy from A Christmas Story and lay on the couch not moving, and I feel stabby because I know Clark Griswold will be making a grand mess decorating the shit out of the house on December 22 since we're hosting a Christmas Open House."

Ahem. Back to the 25 things.

1. I don't like to run out of anything. My house is always stocked with at least one backup of everything, specifically canned goods, paper products, and cleaning tools. Relax, it's not like extreme couponer stock piling. I have one extra mustard, not 173. I get this fear of running out of something from my mom's side of the family. If there is ever any type of disaster and you can't get food from a store, we could live off of my pantry for a while. And clean.

2. My handwriting looks like a serial killer's. I was advised not to address any of my wedding correspondence, and I have carried that over to my Christmas cards. Thank you Michelle for your label making prowess and always taking care of me when you do yours. Laura, I am waiting for you to come over and re-label all of my shoeboxes with your P-Touch since my handwriting makes you cringe.

Ted Bundy? Did you write this?
3. I prefer cold beverages.

4. When I am concentrating or exercising, my tongue is always out. When I was little, I took gymnastics at Joel Baba and they constantly told me I was going to bite my tongue off. I quit gymnastics for unrelated reasons.

5. I prefer lukewarm or cold food (even if it's supposed to be served hot) and I put salt on everything without tasting it first.

6. I love the laughing Buddha. I have a bunch of them throughout my house.

7. One of my favorite toys as a child was a girl doll that I called The Boy. It is a frightening and awful doll that lives in our spare bedroom. I can't throw it away. Caveat: MFD suggested this one. This doll legitimately scares me as an adult, I dislike dolls anyway and this one looks like it was resurrected from Pet Sematary. I took a picture of The Boy against my better judgement. If this haunts me, we know who will pay.

Please don't come alive at night and kill us in our sleep, The Boy.

8. I don't like the top of my toes to be touched.

9. I love to sing along to the sweet sounds of the grocery store soundtrack even though I have an awful singing voice.

10. I'd rather be at the shore than anywhere else in the world. However, I disagree vehemently with paying for beach tags. This land is your land, this land is my land. I'd rather pay a fee to enter town.

11. Sometimes I reply "Your mother" to any question someone asks me, then I laugh like a maniac. Every time.

12. I don't do math.

13. I don't give a rat's ass about the NFL or NBA. The salaries and insane celebrations they participate in after doing what they are paid one zillion dollars to do really chaps my ass.

14. When I get really frustrated, I cry.

15. I love how heels look, but am past the age of caring to wear them. They kill my feet and it's not worth it.

16. I don't eat beets, coconut, very spicy foods, Indian food, bread or rice pudding, or overcooked meat.

17. I can't function in chaos. I need to create order. Naturally, I like my pantry neat, but not Sleeping with the Enemy neat.

18. I've never broken a bone or gotten stitches aside from my wisdom teeth.

19. I often think in song lyrics to describe things. If a night is very starry, "we drove out to the desert just to lie down beneath this bowl of stars" will pop into my head immediately.

20. I only watch Channel 6 - Action News.

21. I love mosaic glass and would have it all over my house if I could do so without coming off like a crazy glass-whore version of Miss Havisham.

22. I name all of my cars. My first car was Wheeza (Ouiser from Steel Magnolias). My current car is the fabulous Kelly Taylor.

23. I carry two cell phones. I am not a friend of Jason Bourne. I don't have unlimited texting on my work phone, and that is my preferred method of communication.

24. I adore quotes. In junior high I started quote notebooks, and I wrote in them through college. I still have them. I believe I spent 97% of my ninth grade biology class crafting my notebook.

25. It was hard to compose this list.

Inching towards grinching,


p.s. Thank you MFD for bearing the brunt of this kitchen bullshit.


  1. hkfjahsdkjfha!! I have been thinking about doing a post like this as well! I have also never had stitches or broken bones outside of wisdom teeth (knock on wood), I also cry when frustrated (i also throw and yell and hit pillows), I have horrible writing, and I too name my cars. However, I LOVE (all capitals) beets, indian food, coconut, and rice pudding. Hell to the no for the overcooked meats though.

  2. Okay thats one scary doll. And least its legible serial killer handwriting? I also don't do math.


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