How is this my life?

I've asked myself that question so many times with different emotional inflections in my inner voice. 

With exhaustion when things are too much. 

With disbelief when crazy shit happens.

With uncertainty in those really dark times when it seems like there is no light.

With rage when I have to deal with situations I don’t want to deal with. 

With disappointment when I’ve fucked something up and need to dig myself out of a hole. 

With frustration when things go wrong and set off a chain reaction of shit.

With resignation when there’s traffic late at night when there shouldn’t be. 

With gratitude for my framily. They make my whole life. 

With appreciation when something in the universe manifests exactly for me. 

With wonder when I realize that my life at the shore is actually my life. 

With a feeling of pure joy bubbling up in my chest when I think of how many things are so fucking good. 

The last four are my favorite. 

Happy birthday to Jen, my oldest friend. I've been friends with her since I was three. 

40 before 40 Report

Over two years ago I posted my 40 before 40 list. It quickly became apparent to me that I wouldn't check everything off...some would not be feasible, and some I just didn't have the desire to do anymore. I also did some things I never imagined I'd even have the opportunity to do when I made this list - like travel to South Africa, or buy a shore house, or meet Bruce Springsteen - which were awesome before 40 bonuses. Some of my 40 wishes did come true though. I think I liked making this list more than anything - and I won't be making a 50 list because 50 things is a lot. 

1. See a play on Broadway done March 4
2. Walk over the Brooklyn Bridge done March 4
3. Skydive so I still sort of want to do this, but I'm not sure if that's because I think I want to or because I actually want to
4. Go tubing on a river done August 13
5. Volunteer at a soup kitchen - not technically, although we did volunteer on Thanksgiving day to serve and clean up food in 2015
6. Eat a lobster roll in Maine  done July 18, 2015
7. Stay in a Falls View room at Niagara Falls - done March 14-16, 2015
8. Write a novella done December 2015. This will not see the light of day.
9. Tip 100% of the bill at a restaurant - at the Tuckahoe Inn on September 24, 2016
10. Go whale watching - in Cape May, September 24, 2016
11. See Mt. Rushmore - done September 2015
12. Take a spontaneous weekend trip – deciding to go and leaving that same day done July 24, 2015
13.  Watch Old Faithful blow - done September 2015
14.  Stroll along the Seine went to Scotland instead
15.  Go to high tea. In Scotland. 
16.  Learn conversational French Abandoned when Paris was abandoned
17.  Adopt a family in need at Christmas Christmas 2015
18. Witness the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace Never made it to England
19. Go to a college football game I gave away tickets in a bigger stadium to go to the shore
20. Eat at a farm to table restaurant (stole this one from Jana, thanks friend!) Talula's Garden on June 19, 2015, and many more after that. 
21. Read two Agatha Christie novels – a Marple and a Poirot I hated the Marple (attempted in May 2015) but liked the Poirot (read in June 2015)
22. Participate in a walk to raise money for pancreatic cancer November 2015
23. Get the tattoo on my back touched up March 2017 (see pic on the bottom)
24. Stand on the Cliffs of Moher November 2, 2016
25. Buy a pair of Frye boots I've hated every pair I've tried on so far. I bought Pikolinos instead and I fucking love them. 
26. Go to the opera Opera on the Mall was cancelled due to weather and rescheduled to when I couldn't go
27.  See the Mississippi River - February 2016
28.  Beignets at Café du Monde - February 2016
29.  Conquer my fear of the grill Summer 2015 - I made myself grill once a week. 
30.  See the Chincoteague Ponies - newp. But I will see the ponies on Ocracoke this summer. 
31.  Have dinner at Vetri - September 3, 2015
32. Cheesesteak tour in Philly - I did the cheesesteak festival and I'm calling it done
33.  Visit the Morris Arboretum - this was my backup plan for my birthday since we couldn't be at the shore. We also couldn't de-ice my car in a timely manner, so, no.
34.  Go to the Mutter Museum 
35.  Attend an author event at the Philadelphia Free Library - Toni Morrison book signing April 29, 2015. I also saw Jodi Picoult there with Jana in October 2016. 
36.  Get something published on HuffPost I never even tried
37. Take a cooking or baking class Stopped looking
38.  Learn how to use a drill Shore house work spring 2016
39.  Pick strawberries and make a strawberry pie from them abandoned, not interested
40.  Bake French bread - I am literally never allowed to put this on a to do list ever again in my life. 

Local friends, if you're in search of a tattoo place, check out Outta Sight Studios in Fairless Hills.

A year by the sea

Sunday marked the one year anniversary of buying the shore house. I woke up tired, going back and forth about going down to the beach to watch the sunrise or staying in bed. I usually go once a weekend, and Saturday was rainy...but it was so nice to lay there in the dark in an off-season silent sea town on a Sunday morning...then I remembered how I felt a year ago, and how I couldn't go to sleep because I was so excited to get up to watch the sunrise on the beach from my own house.

I got up, and I'm glad I did as always. I noticed how different the ocean looked from yesterday afternoon, and how lucky I was to see so many different faces of this ocean over the past year. I thought a lot about what this past year has meant to me. It has meant and been so many things. Euphoric highs as I cruised down the Atlantic City Expressway late at night, Bruce Springsteen blaring; hard knocks, when I learned something the hard way in a year of home improvements; the absolute joy of having a place for all of my beach stuff where I can leave it and never bring it home; a deep, deep appreciation for those who helped us out along the way with hard labor and those who understand when we aren't places we would normally be or doing things we'd normally do; minor anxiety with a dose of humility and a side of lessons in patience, kindness, and live and let live from a year dealing with renters; the security in knowing I never need to leave my dogs home; the great feeling of sharing this space with framily. It has been amazing with the highs far outweighing the lows. It has all been so, so worth any frustration or worry I've felt along the way.

It's also felt like living a double life - at a certain point in the summer, I really felt like my real life was down there, and that my life at home was the part time life even though that is definitely not the reality...yet, anyway. I still feel that way because I love the off-season much more than the summer. It's like living in the Boys of Summer song: nobody on the road, nobody on the beach. Regardless, sometimes I feel like I'm having an out of body experience, watching myself do things in my normal life but with a sense that I belong somewhere else.

If I could go back in time one year, I'd tell myself that it would be different, watching those sunrises now, but in all good ways: I have a beach cruiser to ride down now, and I bring my coffee and a mat and I have a little bag everything goes in. But that feeling of waking up at my own shore house to see it? That is the same. It does not get old. It does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

And if I could go into the future, to next year and the year after and on to infinity, it would be to give myself a nudge - to make sure I'm still grateful, that I still remember what a dream comes true feels like, even if we had weather issues that took a toll on the house or renters that drove us insane that year.

I'd also tell my past self to chill the fuck out and that everything would be fine. Hell, I'd tell my future self that too because you can never tell yourself that enough. We were fully rented for this summer by the end of January and really had a great first season. People treated our house well and they were nice. And we're already booked for four weeks for next summer before the end of October.

I went back and forth with writing this, because it's hard to convey how life changing this has been, not only on the outside with what we do and where we spend time, but on the inside with how I think in my head and feel in my heart. In the end I didn't want to let such a first anniversary go without putting words down for myself to look back on. If you enjoyed it too, that's a bonus.

VRBO listing

This post is a part of the back to blogging challenge on Alyssa's blog. 

To read more like this or write some like this:

Creature comforts

I'm grateful for the big, important things I'm lucky enough to have - my health, framily, job, education, house, access to clean water, the utilities that make my home bright/warm in winter/cool in summer. I also love to wax poetic about those intangibles that sweeten the pot of life - the first tinge of autumn in the air, watching snow fall, the scent of summer rain on hot blacktop, being inside under a warm blanket on a cold day, waking up really well rested, feeling my feet sinking into the sand when the ocean comes up over them, sensing the heat of the sun on my skin in early spring, accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you...

But on a lower, more spoiled and materialistic plane, there's the stuff. Which is, of course, all just stuff. I could sit here and act like I don't like stuff and like I'm above stuff, but I'm not. While I could certainly do without my creature comforts, I won't deny that they please me and I don't feel guilty about wanting them, liking them, and enjoying them.

Some of those things are...(no affiliate links)

New nail polish every season
An eclectic collection of coffee mugs
Gap Simple Pants (save this purchase for when you get a 40% off everything email)
Cheapie fresh flowers from Produce Junction
Sanuk Overboard loafers 
Reef Star Cushion Flip Flops

Wicked Women candles
L.E.H. Soap Company Jersey Girl soap - I love many, but that scent is my favorite.
Estes Sunglasses  from Sunglass Warehouse- the only cheap polarized sunglasses that work for me
Well worn paperback books from a used bookstore
Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment in Ruby
Sharpie markers

Panasonic digital camera
Mrs. Meyers Geranium and Method Grapefruit cleaning lines
Beach Goat Milk & Honey Lotion and sugar scrub from Blue Eden
R+F REDEFINE Multi-Function Eye Cream
Yogi Honey Lavender Stress Relief Tea (AKA go the fuck to sleep tea)

What are some of your creature comforts?

Things that make my house feel like home

Post idea from Two Miracles.

Eclectic coffee mug collection

Stacks of books
Clean but well lived in feeling
MFD

Colored glass accessories...color in general

Pictures on the wall

Dogs chasing each other around, or just snoozing

A stocked pantry
Quilts and table toppers made by Lori
Candles

Fresh flowers
The shade of the huge old tree in the backyard
Soup on the stove, and cooking in general
Lounge attire
Eucalyptus mint hand soap
Clean sheets

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Haikuesday

Home, home on the range...

Little House on the praire

Ahem, the city.

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What makes your house feel like home?

2013 in Review

 

Let's do this. Settle in, it's a whole year in review.

I'm currently reading my 50th book of 2013. These are my top 10:
1. Me Before You by Jojo Moyes

2. The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion

3. Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner

4. Looking for Alaska by John Green

5. The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton

6. A Hundred Summers by Beatriz Williams

7. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

8. The Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman

9. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
10. Winter Garden by Kristin Hannah

1. The Blacklist

2. The Americans

3. Downton Abbey

4. Veep
5. The Killing
6. Sons of Anarchy (I'm up to season five)
7. The Sopranos (I watched all episodes this year)
***Favorite People to hate on TV: Dana on Homeland, the inept FBI on The Following, Elena on The Vampire Diaries, Clay on Sons of Anarchy

Favorite Songs 
1. Get Lucky - Daft Punk/Pharrell Williams
2. Royals - Lorde
3. Pompeii - Bastille
4. When I Was Your Man - Bruno Mars
5. Ho Hey - Lumineers
6. Suit & Tie - JT
7. Wake Me Up - Avicii

1. Engagements! Kim & Steve, Stephen & Aubrey, Shawn & Maggie. Happy things. 

2. Babies! My aunt Dawn and Sergio and cousin Tiffany and Brandon had babies in June. Two of MFD's cousins had babies - Matthew and Laura and Nicole and Patrick. Frank and Amanda found out they're expecting in 2014.

3. Weddings! Laura & Chris! Lauren & Kevin!
4. Beach weekeends: OCMD trip with family, Girls' Weekend in Cape May,  OCNJ with Kim & Steve and straight on to Strathmere with Frank & Amanda
5. Kim & Esteban's Bridal BBQ shower

6. Maisel joined our family

7. Summer weekend and Thanksgiving in North Woods

8. Aunt Carrie's 60th wine tour
9. Spent a lovely fall weekend with Gwen with appearances by Marla and Brie

10. Relay For Life

11. Declaring Sundays stay at home days whenever possible
12. Getting a new king bed
13. Expanding the gallery wall going up the stairs
14. Turning the office into a dressing room and rearranging the upstairs
15. Re-doing the front retaining walls and painting the front door yellow

16. Learning how to do a sage smudge on my house to usher out negativity, how to make perfect rice in the crockpot and freeze it, that hard boiled eggs are easier to peel when you make them in the oven, and how to fold a fitted sheet
17. Already started paying for 2014's vacation
18. MFD had a successful year in his business even though he was on crutches for over 12 weeks - not cool when you're a realtor and need to be on the move
19. We got a fake tree! Finally!
20. I did three spending freezes with not too shabby results, and my next one is set for January with a link up planned for February 4 if you're down. More info to come.

(when the link goes to my pin on pinterest, I've noted alterations in the description)

1. Roasted Carrots with Thyme
2. Mini Pumpkin Cheesecakes
3. Jalapeno creamed corn
4. Triple chocolate greek yogurt zucchini cake
5. Buffalo chicken pizza
6. No bake energy bites - I omit the coconut
7. Layered Southwest Chicken Casserole a la The Weary Chef
8. Whole wheat waffles
9. Mimi's bread
10. Deconstructed Chicken Parm
11. Chicken Cordon Bleu Pasta

1. MAC lipstick in Twig

2. Essie nail polish (above L-R) Madison Ave-Hue, Sunday Funday, Cashmere Bathrobe, and It's Genius
3. L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes, the poor lady's Lancome Definicils
4. Erin Condren planner
5. Trader Joe's Face Wash and Moisturizer
6. Palmolive Soft Touch Aloe
7. Lodge Enamel cast iron dutch oven - total kitchen work horse.
8. Coconut oil - Good for face, body, hair...Christ even my dogs eat it to better their skin and coat
9. Muji Makeup Storage
10. Nordic bakewear - that  photo is after using it all year and never once spraying it with nonstick spray. It is exceptional. I buy them at TJ Maxx or Marshalls.

Favorite Posts I Wrote

1. The Honey Bunnies vs. the Reality of Relationships

2. P is for Productivity

3. Quotes and Reflections that Reflect Me
4. How to Throw a Kick Ass Party
5. This is written by my dog Gus, but still...From the Desk of Augustus Gloop
6. I didn't marry my best friend
7. When Sharing is Not Caring
8. Forgiveness
9. 36 Realizations from 36 Years - Part I and Part II
10. A Thanksgiving Timeline

In general, 2013 as a year was harder than most for many people I know, me included. I won't be sorry to see it go. I also won't be listing the shit events because who wants to read a wahhhhmbulance list? No one, son.

However, from all bad comes good if you're open to it. The things that were hard for me taught me the most even when the only thing they taught me was that I could persevere. Plus look at this large list I've amassed, all these good things! There is always yin and yang, good and bad. I really think you need some bad to appreciate how good the good is. That's life, and there is beauty in the nuances. Signing off with one of my all-time favorite quotes:

Chasing the years of my life

I'm fifteen for a moment
Caught in between ten and twenty
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are 
I'm twenty two for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars 

And on the song goes…thirty three for a moment; forty five for a moment; another blink of an eye sixty seven is gone; ninety nine for a moment…

When I’m with my girlfriends I’ve known since junior high and high school, I still feel 17 in my brain. I rarely physically feel 23 anymore, particularly after a night of drinking, but still, it seems like it was just yesterday. Wasn’t my 30^th birthday last week? A few times recently I’ve gone to look for a photo in my snapfish online albums only to realize that event took place five years ago, not last year.

Everything goes so quickly, and sometimes that makes me feel melancholy. Mostly it serves as a reminder to open my eyes and look at the sky, to say screw the chores and finish the book instead, to linger over flowers instead of speed walking by them, to appreciate the places I find myself, and to focus on the people I’m sitting next to in those places. To be in the moment, to get off of my phone unless it’s to put something on Instagram (it’s called INSTA for a reason, you hear? Just kidding, not really). You know what I mean. To be there.

Source

Every once in a while I’m sort of startled by the fact that I’m 36, which prompts a gut check. An introspection session. How did I get here? What am I doing? Am I where I thought I would be?

The answer to that is no.

I was not ever interested in getting married, but it was important to a charming man who is important to me. I always thought I’d work on a college campus, and instead I’ve spent the past 14 years building a career in communications and marketing – a career full of great coworkers, bosses, opportunities, lessons, and successes – and I actually like what I do. In my early 20s I couldn't even make a good grilled cheese sandwich and didn’t care about anything domestic, and now I really love being in the kitchen and keeping a nice home. I never thought I’d have dogs that I treated like human family members. So many things are different than I thought they would be when I was 15, 18, even 21. I've taken roads I didn't think I'd take. When I took the wrong roads I beat a path through the underbrush and emerged onto another road with cuts and bruises from the journey. But I did emerge. 

So no, I’m not where I thought I’d be. I think I'm somewhere better than I imagined. My life is not even close to perfect. There are still a lot of changes to make in myself, in my relationships and in my environment. I am responsible for my own happiness. I will always be in a state of flux: constantly improving myself and my surroundings, inviting friends old and new to sit at my table, eradicating people and things that affect me negatively, tweaking my ways, learning, growing, changing, revising as I go. But most days, I truly like my life as it is. I'm grateful for everything. I could literally weep with joy at the quality of the people surrounding me. I'm proud of the life I've built for myself. And that is really a wonderful thing, to take stock of your life and to be content.