Everyone gets their shot at a Christmas Wish List...
I require the following. I'd prefer my desires to be granted today but if I must wait for Christmas, I will. I may pee on the curtains to show my displeasure, however. Fair warning. My wish list:
1. Total world domination.
2. Twenty-four hour a day access to the same food my humans are eating.
3. A weekend or 15 without my sister. And for her to have to wear silly costumes every day for my amusement.
4. For my parents to never go away on a trip. Ever. Then I won't have to pretend to be deaf for 3-10 days after they return home to make them feel guilty and terrible for not taking me with them. It's hard for me to remember I'm supposed to be deaf so they're doubly putting me out.
5. A world where no one tries to clean my ears.
1. Daily romps in our fields, Treat Lady's woods, or on the beach with tons of time to mark everything in my path. Geege was here! I say it with pee.
2. The freedom to hump the air or lick Gus's ears without getting scolded by my mother.
3. For my mother to stay home 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, so I can guard her and our home, following her everywhere and barking like a good guard does every time a person, dog, or car passes by. I am the Royal Guard and you shall not enter!
4. Fresh fruit at every meal.
5. A world where no one tries to take me to the vet.
1. A blinged out grill and some sweet hoodies.
2. A recording contract with Jay-Z. My Gremlin noises will be the next big hit in the music industry.
3. Endless scratches from my adoring fans.
4. For bullying my brothers and sitting staring in Gus's face waiting until he's done with his bone so I can steal it to be cool with everyone involved.
5. A world where no one tries to tell me where I can and can't sit. Yes, I can sit there and I WILL.
Peace out and happy Christmas Eve Eve on behalf of the dogs.
It took me years to notice, but now that I have it's glaringly obvious. Gus can tell time. He can also differentiate between a week day a weekend day.
Weekdays, he prefers to sleep in. I frequently leave for work with him lazing around like Jabba the Hut.
Weekends, he doesn't want to miss one second of me being home all day. He takes his position as President of the Ahole Wakeup Committee very seriously. He begins his whining wakeup ritual around 5:30 a.m. and endures a lot of shushing and yelling until he finally succeeds, anywhere between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m.
He knows that he eats when I get home between 6 - 7 p.m. Monday through Friday. On Saturdays he prefers to eat at 5 p.m., and every week at 4 p.m. he starts his Let's Eat Dance.
Sundays he likes to dine quite early, so he begins jackassing around for food beginning at 2 p.m. and finally drives me to the brink of insanity between 3-4 p.m.
Geege and Mae know Gus is in charge of wake ups and dining. Geege is the reluctant Vice President of the Ahole Wakeup Committee. He needs to be roused to get up himself. Mae says F U to the Ahole Wakeup Committee and hates them for interfering with her diva sleep. She growls, but she acquiesces because she knows he's the king.
So there you have it. I have a dog who can tell time.
Click on the names to read more about Gus, Geege, and Mae.
Oh dear. This is it. My mother told me it's time to leave my mark in words. I much prefer to mark my territory in other ways, always have and always will, but I digress.
I'm not much for the spotlight. I prefer to sit behind Gus and the new girl and let them take center stage. Too much attention makes me nervous.
I'm Geege. That's gee like gee whiz, followed by juh. It was a made up nickname but now it's just my name.
My parents adopted me from a nice family who called me Jake. I came to live with my Mom and Dad in May 2007. For the first week, I sat at the window and barked. For the next six months, I sat on the couch or the floor and warily surveyed the situation. After that period of reconnaissance, I decided to actually sit on the couch next to my people. I've never regretted it. I will always appreciate them not rushing me...letting me feel out the situation and be a part of the family when I was ready. Gus? He appointed me his lackey from the moment we met. It might sound like a raw deal for me, but we are very very very best friends and have been from the minute I walked into that tiny apartment.
These are my roles: protecting my people to make sure this kingdom is guarded and on lock down at all times, following my mom around the house to make sure she's doing everything up to code, and refereeing Gus and the new sister. My command center is the front window, but the front door and basement level sliding doors are my posts as well. How do I do performance-wise? I'm a super hero, and that's not a brag. I take my duties very seriously.
Even Spider-Man has fears. I'm afraid of loud noises like booms and things that crackle and light up the sky and make my mom yell "Enough fireworks, you assholes!" out of our windows. Loud noises make me shake and cry and have earned me the nickname Heebie Jeebie. Sometimes I have to hide under the bed. Other times I like to crawl under the bed just because I can be a weird guy.
The burdens of guarding my people and fellow canines as well as overseeing the running of our kingdom tire me out. When I sleep, I burrow into my people and I sleep hard. I've earned it because I've been patrolling all day. You can tell I'm tired when my tongue is out. My mom says I'm the cutest sleeping dog ever.
My life isn't all guard work. When I take a vacation, I prefer to visit places where I can run free, free like the wind! My soul bursts out of my body and carries me through Treat Lady's woods like I am a puppy instead of a 10 year old. I also enjoy romps along the beach. When I'm on vacation I can show my free spirit who likes to chase butterflies and gets distracted easily, running from one thing to the next with adrenaline and pure joy.
At home, I take my breaks in the sun. I love to go on walks and be outside, roll in the grass and run free in the fields by my house when no one else is around. It's important to appreciate the small things in life. Especially when you have a good one like I do - freedom to roam, tons of belly rubs, vacations, people who love me, siblings to play with, being allowed to sleep in a big bed with my head on pillows like a person, an important role as guard and protector, tons of toys I rarely play with, food I bark insistently for every day and cheeseburgers on my birthday. Life is good. And my mom calls me her best boy every day.
I don't have much else to say. I'm just a soulful guy trying to live a noble life. Don't be sad if you see me looking concerned in photos - I'm just always more concerned about you than I am about me.
I'm very soft and easy to love and I have endless love to give. Kisses too even though I'm told my breath smells like buttholes. Mom, what's a butthole again?
Tomorrow my mother will be back and my Auntie Debbie is giving bracelets and earrings away. I heard ladies like those.
In service and good stead always -
Geege aka TeeTee aka GeeJosh aka Tatie aka Gee-kah-baba aka Genie aka Tahtita
Did you know Missy Elliott wrote that song for me? I'm Maisel, and I'm here to tell you all about me. I can sum it up best by saying it's all about me. When I don't get my way, or when I get a wild hair up my ass, my alter ego Hazel will terrorize everyone and everything in sight like a tiny devil. Like Queen Bey says, Who runs the world? Girls.
I'm 11 pounds of pure firecracker. I use all my weight to bulldoze everything in my path. I lure you in with my tiny stature, batting my eyes and holding my dainty little spotted paw up. You think I'm bashful and sweet, so you lean down and boom! I jump up and bite you on the nose because I need to keep the people on their toes. Do you see my Hazel eyes? Homie don't play.
Most days I bebop around, looking for things to get into. I'm intensely interested in everything. I just got here at the end of August and I've been trying to take over since. I tear ass around like a wild jackal, going as fast as I can on my tiny little legs, knocking blankets and pillows off couches, putting things in my mouth and shaking the bejesus out of them. I get moody sometimes, and that sounds like this:
Things are awesome here in my new home - I have the run of the house, the food is tops, they leave the TV on for us, and my clothes befit my scrappy diva status. I also have these brothers now. I really really want to be their best friend, but since I just turned four and they're older, I don't think they're ready for this jelly. I bullied Geege into letting make my debut here today before him. Bitches get what they want! King Gus already left his mark here.
I love my new parents. The Lady runs this house. Who runs the world? Girls. When she says something to me, I slow my roll because she's in charge. I try to stay on her good side but she does not like Hazel at all. I don't get it. Bitches unite! Can I get a hell yeah?
The Father is wrapped around my finger and lets me do whatever I want because I am small and cute and he wants a dog that likes him the best. Plus he picked me up from my old house and loved me when I was very smelly and had skin conditions. The Lady feeds me coconut oil and I am a fine sleek machine now. I like to commune with them both very closely even though lots of times The Father swoops in and takes me away from The Lady because he wants his own dog and the brothers flock to The Lady like bookends.
Like all self-respecting females, I have rules for living.
Rule one: Listen carefully. Do not F with me when I'm sleeping or in a vegetative state. I used to sleep on a crate pad in a kitchen, and now these people have bought me an enormous king sized bed because they know it's what a diva deserves. If you come near me when I'm sleeping, I will growl and I may cut a bitch! Who's house? MAE'S HOUSE. And sometimes RUN'S HOUSE. Much love to you Rev Run.
Rule two: All the things are mine.
What else? I am an insinuator like Gus, and if you move me from where I want to be I will scramble right back there cause baby there ain't no mountain high enough to keep me from getting to you. Otherwise, play with me, treat me like the diva I am, and let me sleep on top of you for warmth and we'll be solid.
I didn't choose the pug life. The pug life chose me. The people think I'm a pug/Boston mix but I know what I am: Maisel, the one and only tiny tower of terror.
Tomorrow The Lady is back and she has some announcements and a giveaway. Come back tomorrow or Hazel will be all up in your grill.
Peace out -
Mae Mae Cray Cray aka Maisie aka Mae aka MeMa aka Maisel
