I can’t look at my phone I need to pick up my phone

I picked up my phone in a meeting to see something a coworker sent, the banner told me ICE murdered an American woman in her car. I looked back at the screen and affirmed the mailer is in design

No phone this morning, so much shit is flying around that I clenched my jaw so hard in sleep my teeth are going to crack if I keep doing that and this little computer will show me things I cannot see right now, I have to go to my office and act normal

But I need to pick up my phone to 

check the train schedule

sign in to my computer for two factor identification 

respond to a notification on a work social account 

text my sister in law happy birthday 

answer my intern

No phone this morning, my neck is so tight it feels like it might snap I don't think ibuprofen can help this and this little computer will show me things I cannot look away from right now

Can’t pretend it’s not happening

Can’t excuse what’s happening

Can’t ignore what’s happening 

Can't operate through the day without the knowledge of this sitting behind my eyes, in my body and we all know the body keeps the score

What are we doing to ourselves

What are we doing to each other

There’s no liberty in any of this

Take me back to 

paper everything

analog everything

news that airs three times a day in half hour segments

news that does not disrupt my central nervous system 

precedented times

Although in the history of the world and of the United States, these actually are quite precedented times

when we don't look at the whole picture of history

when we whitewash history

when we intentionally silence certain voices in history

when we learn to memorize for a test and not to understand history

when we don't think critically and connect the dots throughout history

We're doomed to repeat it, in the most embarrassingly precedented manner.

The unprecedented part is 

access to first hand accounts 24/7 on this little computer

access to unreletenting breaking news on this little computer

access to so many books and studies on this happening throughout history that we can learn from

access to how this ends, how it has always ended

Yet despite the unprecedented access to historical information and real time real life no AI bullshit video, people are still

downplaying

going to great lengths to justify and defend

ignoring every cell in their body screaming this is wrong, on every level 

avoiding 

being willfully ignorant of Constitution of the United States

acting like everything is normal

saying this is just politics in America

thinking this has to just be politics, it can't be what it actually is

failing to understand that this is about human beings, and none of us can survive being flippant about the violation of someone else's humanity without losing an integral part of what makes us human ourselves

siloing individual existence when all of our existence is tied together

What are we doing to ourselves

What are we doing to each other

There’s no liberty in any of this

Take a break, we say 

Take a break and nevermind the people who 

are watching this in front of their faces and not on a screen

having their faces ground into pavements across the streets of this country under the boots of masked men with permission no encouragement from the administration, violence coursing through their blood

have their doors kicked in for looking a certain way despite being born here, as American as white lady me

can't look away because their continued existence depends on them having their head on a swivel every minute of every day

can't take a break

The continuation of this system relies on those of us who are privileged enough comfortable and still relatively safe enough to be intimidated, made afraid, shamed into silence, ridiculed like we're overreacting when we are in fact underreacting as individuals and a collective, get quiet, turn it off, zone out, take breaks 

We’ll come to a point where there’s no break for anyone

Then what?

Then what

Thursday Thoughts - So how many daughters, tell me, how many sons do we have to have to put in the ground

I don't even know what to say anymore. Living in this country is fucking stressful for me as an older white lady of privilege. I cannot imagine adding in the other factors - being Black, native, LGBTQ+, any other marginalized person, having less money, having less resources, being without family, being chronically ill, being a gig economy worker, not having stable housing, being of true childbearing age while the right to my agency over my body is chopped, having kids in schools, working in a school, being a nurse, being disabled, etc etc. This is not sustainable. It's like watching society collapse in real time and not being able to do anything about it. I wish there was a quick cure for Fox News indoctrination that has functioned as a lobotomy for a large portion of our population. The call is coming from inside the house. 

There are people out there trying to meet very calmly in the middle about mass murder of children by guns. I am not calm and I am not interested in a midway point. Today, news that the cops and armed security guard did not act. Today, news of a total abortion ban in Oklahoma while a nation sits and says it can do nothing about its actual living children being slaughtered in schools by people with guns. Today, news that the husband of one of the teachers who died protecting her students in the Uvalde mass shooting dead from a heart attack. Their four children left with no parents. And today is not even over yet. What next. What else. 

How in the fuck can anyone out there say, "I don't know what the answer is?" Really, everyone? At this point we are going to dance around the fact that other countries have mental illness, bullying, poverty, despair, crime, and other countries have guns BUT they do not have these rampant incidents of mass murder by gun. Hmm, I wonder why that is...maybe because it is not fucking easy or cheap to get them, they don't operate by "well criminals don't have to get them legally,"  you need to work to keep them, white supremacy and toxic masculinity and a sentence written in a document in the 1700s by people WHO OWNED OTHER HUMANS that people today have taken absolutely wildly misinterpreted liberties with isn't fucking strangling everyone and everything. America has a goddamn gun problem and common sense gun reform that the majority of this country supports is the goddamn fucking answer. Stop dancing around it. We have TRIED more guns, more cops, active shooter drills, locking fucking doors. Sit and fucking spin on the suggestion of arming teachers, you won't even let them pick the goddamn books, accuse them of being groomers which is absolutely unmistakably top level grade A tinfoil hat Fox News drivel bullshit, and you think YOU know more about curriculum than they do. So no, we are not going to fucking arm teachers and put another item on their to do list that you will not appreciate nor pay them enough for. They are already literally putting their bodies in front of the shooters YOU will do nothing to stop. Do we want fucking schools to be prisons kids cannot thrive in so people can buy a gun in under five minutes and never have to re-up their license for it or store it correctly or insure it? Fuck off out of here with the fucking bullshit. Common sense gun reform and stricter firearm ownership and use protocols now. Universal background checks now. Universal healthcare now. Republicans stop cockblocking everything using minority rule now. Gun nuts STFU now. Revoke NRA tax exempt status now. Kill the gun lobby now. Overturn citizens united and get money out of politics now. Kids and teachers are fucking dead, AGAIN. The ones who lived through it will be traumatized forever. No one wants your tired 2A arguments being trotted out and dumped on the fucking table urging sensibility and waiting and not politicizing. Stop asking people to air grievances over this civilly while you brush your hair back with blood on your hands.You are banning every other goddamn fucking thing you can certainly make guns harder to get. SHUT UP

Regular existence is dwarfed by daily tragedies and fascism. I'm tired. From talking to a lot of you, I know you're tired. 

I would rather talk to you about my weed killer, which is white vinegar, Dawn, and table salt. 

Or how my job is really cool sometimes, and I get to see dinosaurs as part of work, and how my nephew and I just the night before were talking all about dinosaurs and what a joyful dancer my niece is and how amazing she looked dressed for her dance photos.

Or how these pull shorts for $13 and these forever soft v-neck tees from Gap Factory are going to be my summer wardrobe. 

I'd rather campaign for pockets in everything, without exception. And tell you how I'm only wearing athleisure shoes forever. 

Or talk to you about the stack of books on hold that came in at the library and how I don't even recall asking for one of them...who put me on to The Good Left Undone? It does not sound remotely familiar.

Or how we're pretty ready for the shore summer season and are testing out a new drainage system a la MFD for chair storage and a new bag Aub found. First renters this weekend.

Wait, Ray Liotta died? Another WTF today.

Or how much I enjoyed my city lunch walk when I was in the office this week. And I survived the dentist and got to see my chiro.

Or how we all need to really try to do this as much as we can even when it is hard. Via Nadia Fisher

Instead, we are talking about a mass murder event of children that was imminently more preventable while the GOP and all of its echoes tell us that nothing can be done. 

This is motherfucking America. You are telling me we can't do something here? Are you telling me the entire American persona is a lie? That's what it sounds like. 

Everything getting banned and zero reform on the thing that really, really needs it - guns. This is a  hard pill to swallow on the eve of Memorial Day Weekend. Have we not sent people to Afghanistan and around the world under the guise of protecting the American way of life? Are bodily autonomy, schools as safe havens, the freedom to learn, the freedom to be who you are without punishment, the freedom to exist while Black, and freedom of religion not the American way of life? Is the only God your personal Christian God who you think belongs in all schools, when literally the country as it is today was forced into existence by people who did not want anyone else's God forced on them by the state? Do you even know "under God" was not in the original pledge? I could keep going.

 Are we only down to one freedom? Doesn't sound like the Land of the Free to me, which means the brave have died for what, exactly? Soldiers have died thousands of times over and we say they have died for our freedoms. The freedoms are as follows: kids can be murdered in schools, Black people in grocery stores, elders in churches and Synagogues, people at concerts in clubs just anywhere while we do absolutely fucking nothing so the GOP Senators can continue to swim in the blood money donated by the NRA and the NRA can run this country, not citizens and definitely not God. Oh and the freedom to ban books, control women, inject Black people in a school to prison pipeline, and legislate trans and gay people out of existence. Sounds extremely free. Pass me a Budweiser. Did I do that right?

Something to think about this Memorial Day Weekend, before you bring out the land of the free because of the brave sentiments. 

What appears beyond the hyphen in Thursday Thoughts titles is what I'm listening to when I'm starting this - this week is The Killers Land of the Free. 

This Particular Wednesday in America

Poetry by Rudy Francisco

I have a major headache. I attribute it to allergies and living in America at this time. 

I never watch debates and ended up doing so last night because MFD was watching it downstairs due to our TV upstairs needing reconnecting and we can't figure it out hashtag old people and Jesus take the fucking wheel. 

I am bothered by many things today, but top on the list are

1) Instead of denouncing white supremacy simply and concisely as he was given the floor specifically to do he told the Proud Boys to Stand Back and Stand By, which they are taking exactly as he meant it to be taken. 

2) People are going to vote for him EVEN THOUGH you should not be President of the United States of America if you cannot denounce white supremacy. He did mean it, it wasn't taken out of context, and if you vote for him you support systemic racism and white supremacy because you are unbothered enough by it to vote for him. Period. I'll give you your 2016 vote. This 2020 vote, there is absolutely no mistaking how racist this man is and what supporting that with a vote on Election Day means. That's on you. You're riding in the same car. You are and/or are with white supremacists or you're with the rest of us. That's it. That's the whole line. 

3) He is encouraging violence, voter suppression, and voter intimidation as evidenced by his idiot "poll watchers" rant in which HE TOLD HIS SUPPORTERS TO GO WATCH POLLS and said they were kicked out in Philadelphia. No one who is not an official poll watcher (you can sign up for these things, it's how democracy works) has the right to watch polls. It is voter intimidation, it is illegal, it should be reported to the Judge of Elections at your polling place and the ACLU, and if it were ever to happen to me I'd be taking a million photos of those people and wilding the hell OUT. That is fascist. That is not how America works. How can you flag wavers - I know you know that's not how things work - support this? 

4) VERY BAD THINGS IN PHILADELPHIA...gtfo

5) People are saying the debate was a disaster as if the two participants and moderator contributed equally to make it a disaster and that is such an easy way out. The false equivalence is a MAJOR part of the problem here. They were not equally as bad. How do you debate a maniac who won't shut the F up? How do you control a narcissist? 

Add in the complete lack of compassion for 200,000 dead Americans and their families that did not have to balloon to those numbers AT ALL and the rest of the BS and man, I am just no today.

To counteract in any way possible, I...

-Am still hunting down the best ladies loungewear - perusing that site, and waiting on yoga pant arrivals from JCrew Factory and Stars Above pants from Target. I've had some fails from Amazon. I will go down the list from there.

- Heading to the beach after work with MFD and the best friend dogs

- Killing flies with surprising accuracy

-Vacuuming the crevices of my porch with a wet/dry vac which is oddly satisfying

-Setting all my shit up with my new home warranty - which is through America's Preferred Home Warranty because you can choose your own freaking contractors - but my own Internet keeps routing me to https://www.americanhomebuyer.us/ and I get so confused until I realize I'm in the wrong place

How are you? 

Thursday Thoughts - Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn

1. Debbie and I checked out Photo Pop Philly on Tuesday night. It was fun and interactive. It's there until July 8. $25, take a quick pop in and support local artists then have some dinner.

2. Which is what we did. Most places on 13th were packed. We ended up at Tredici and the food was good. Small portions compared to what our fat asses are used to but very filling and the service was great.

3. Worst fucking week. Kennedy is retiring (I'll be calling all of you who said Roe vs. Wade would never be overturned to stand next to me in the street soon), Janus v AFSCME (how are Union members who voted for trump feeling, and how about the people who thought both sides are the same?), it is now legal to lie to women about their health and options, and it's legal to discriminate over religion (does anyone recall the country being founded on freedom of religion?). Oh, and people think that not serving a lying fascist who condones child abuse at a restaurant is just as bad if not worse than a week in the pit of hell. And Bill Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and Chuck Schumer agree. Fuck you guys! We're going to hell in a handbasket, fuck being polite to people who do not give a shit about humanity. Meanwhile dems are still arguing over finding perfect candidates for everything and needling every damn thing to death. GET MOVING! WORK! Stop talking, get off the Internet, get candidates in office that are going to work for PEOPLE, not elites. FUCK IT ALL right now. America, your birthday is cancelled next week. I'm fucking pissed and these people at some point in the week made points that I agreed with and now I'm showing them to you.

4. Two bright spots: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez beats out a corporate dem and the cop who shot Antwon Rose has been charged with homicide. Also this article by Will Bunch of Philly. Find an End Family Detention event on Saturday and show up. John Lewis, after all he's been through, is probably like HEY ASSHOLES! This has been like five minutes for you compared to my life time. KEEP SHOWING UP.

5. Okay, I finally got an InstantPot. It was a deal of the day, $30 off, and I used some of my gift card from my girlfriends. Who has recipes? Sharing is caring. Lay them on me. 

6. I'm about to finish my third book since Saturday night. I forgot my kindle at the shore. I have one ready to be picked up at the library. I also ordered Amber Tamblyn's book Any Man because no libraries were carrying it and holy shit she liked my IG comment huzzah fangirl hurrah. 

7. I tried the white nail polish (Insta-Dri White About Now). The jury is still out - I might just dislike white polish - but the Insta-Dri formula application was smooth and streak-free. 

8. I feel you Mae. 

9. Reminder:

10. E-card of the week: Weird how some self professed patriots wave both flags, don't you think? Even though one is the flag of treason?

Happy happy birthday to my brother-in-law Mark today!

Thursday Thoughts: full of estrogen

1. Too vain to open with nails? Too bad! The color is Zoya Aubrey.

2. Sooo...the debates. I would really like to reply to a lot of discussions on this and begin a conversation about systemic misogyny, which I think is the main cause of the absolute hatred for Hillary Clinton but would likely go over like a shit balloon because it's so ingrained in the fabric of our lives that it is very hard for people living in it to recognize..similar to, you guessed it, systemic racism. So I'll just leave this here, which I took from an article on The Telegraph, a UK paper...we are internationally known for this misogyny and mansplaining and manterrupting that's playing out on a global stage. I'd rather we be able to say I'm not internationally known but I'm known to rock a microphone, you know? I'm embarrassed.

3. I'm also a little unnerved that so many citizens don't know how debates work - like, you are asked a question and given time to answer said question and then your opponent is given time for a rebuttal. If you go over either time, you will be interrupted, asked to stop, and then you finish your thought to wrap up. Even Jesus Christ at the podium is not allowed over time. So Donald wasn't treated unfairly. He was asked to abide by rules of civility, which he clearly thinks is unfair. This is Debate 101. We were all taught this in school, and if you need to brush up, the Internet could tell you all about it. Yet people were all let Trump talk and why are they stopping him but didn't stop her and why can't we cheer for him. Guys...education is important. So is civilized debate.

4. My liberal feminist killjoy heart has been working overtime all week. Especially when I see women in the comment sections disparaging other women for being weak or being pissed that someone pointed out that women are treated differently. Yes, there are a lot of us who are not afraid of smashing the patriarchy...just as there are a lot of us who are not there yet, who still work in stifling environments or live under the boot heel of a man or have been conditioned that women don't do or say this or that. It is really egocentric to only think of something like equality in terms of your personal situation and experiences. Do you think I put up with sexism? Hell no I don't. I'm more likely to put balls in a vise at the first hint of it. But I know others have to and the fight is not over until no one has to. I'm not going to sit back and say I made myself equal so fuck all the rest of y'all. I'm going to be out there banging that drum until you're equal too and until your daughters don't even have to know what the first hint of sexism feels like. Get it together ladies.

5. Where are my Wawa peeps? If you buy water from there, this one is a little more expensive, but when you buy the liter size you can help provide clean water to those in need. Pick some up today when you're picking up your free coffee of any size. Hydrate and caffeinate, my friends.

6. You can also help provide art to kids in Philadelphia by supporting The Clay Studio's Claymobile, which sends a teaching artist and assistant to under-served areas and brings all the materials and supplies necessary to give a ceramic art lesson. This is the type of cause I love. If you do too, click here to donate. No amount is too small.

7. I wonder how many photos I've taken of my dogs in their lifetime? At least 872 this week alone.

8. Sometimes I recall something I haven't made in a while, make it, and think hot damn I should make this more often. That was the case with these spinach mac and cheese muffins that I made and froze on Tuesday night. It also occurs to me that there are a lot of recipes I haven't shared. Summer was a little light around here on the recipe front as it usually is, but they're going to make a comeback this fall.

9. Reminder: you're not obligated to explain yourself to everyone in the world. The people who matter know.

10.  E-card of the week...Usually.

Happy birthday to my cousin Tyler today!

Freedom's just another word for...

In America, we get bent out of shape when people destroy things in protests. We also get bent out of shape when people protest silently. Which one is it, America? Would we rather Colin Kaepernick set things on fire in protest, scream and give the middle finger during the national anthem, or sit down silently in protest? Or would we rather no one ever say anything that paints us in a bad light?

Personally, my vote is for sit down silently in protest. There's no honor in staying silent about things that matter. With silent, peaceful protest, there's no destruction of property (an illegal and asshole move even during protest) and no disrespect (legal during protest but off-putting), there's just taking a stand and he is getting fucking roasted for it because the Internet is a hotbed of hate and we absolutely love to label people as anti-American.

Unfortunately for the rabid Internet dwellers, peaceful protest against your government or its entities and what you think they represent is very, very American.

When members of America's armed forces defend those first amendment rights we hold so dear, they do so for ALL of us. Not just those of us with the most popular opinions. Are you guys familiar with blogger and veteran Jim Wright? He is an awesome writer, so you should check his blog out here, but also check out his thoughts on Kaepernick here.

Look, I hate the Westboro Baptist Church and the KKK and everything both of those shitbag hatefucker groups stand for, but I absolutely support their right to speak freely and to peaceably assemble, even though their speech and assembly are in utter opposition to every fiber of my being. I may not like what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.

Of course this issue is not technically about anyone infringing on Kaepernick's freedom of speech because the lynch mob coming after him is not the government, but his fellow citizens. We don't want our government to infringe upon our freedoms but we will gladly dance all over each other's. That's not really how it's supposed to work. 

What I feel for America is an innate love that comes from deep in my bones. I truly believe the quote that goes something like there is nothing that is wrong with America that can't be fixed by what is right with America. Even when something shameful happens here - and there have been many shameful things that have happened here - I still have an intense love of this country.

And I love that other people feel so strongly about what happens here that they take to the streets or in this case, the bench, to let their feelings be known. In the past few years, it has become the very pseudo intellectual/faux patriotic/snide smug superior person thing to do to hate on protesters. We have opinions on how they protest and where they choose to protest. If we're with them, we support them. If we're not, we bitch about them wasting time and resources.

We'd all do well to remember that we would be sipping tea, celebrating Boxing Day, and singing God Save the Queen if some guys sat on their asses instead of protesting back in the 1700s. This country was birthed out of the vagina of a protest and it's one of the only way changes have occurred throughout the years. Protesting is as American as apple pie.

It takes guts to take a stand against something that is largely accepted by your fellow citizens. This man sat down because America is not that great to him right now, and we hate him for it. But many of us love Donald Trump who has stood at podiums across this 

land saying that America is not that great to him right now, but he'll make it great again. Are we okay with that because he stands during the National Anthem?

The thing about love of country is that we all show it differently. I don't put my hand over my heart during the anthem, something quite a few have come under fire for in recent years, but I would wrestle you to the ground if you accused me of not loving and respecting my country. Pointing out problems we face as a nation, whether you do it at a podium, on a football field, on the street, in writing, in a crowd, or by yourself does not make you un-American.

You know where you have to grit your teeth and act like you love and respect your anthem even if you don't feel like it represents your ideals for your government and your country? Nazi Germany. Nothing perks up your civic pride like being watched during the anthem with rifles pointed in your general direction. In America, you don't have to pretend. Well, technically you don't have to but the Internet wants you to. It seems like a lot of us want everyone to fall in line, and we want to scream and call out and label and cart off those that don't. Sort of like a technology age version of the Secret Police.

Why would I want someone to stand with me during my anthem if they didn't feel like it represented them? I don't want to stand next to pretenders who look the part but have hate in their heart for this land or the roads we're travelling down. I definitely want everyone to love my country like I do, but I know that we do not all come from the same circumstances and that it might be harder for others to salute this flag and sing this anthem. Group Think does not become you, America. That's not what this country is about. It's the anithesis of what we're about.

I think it is extremely disrespectful to talk or be on your phone during the national anthem. I've seen both more times than I can count and I'm betting many people bitching about Kaepernick have done one of those two things. In my eyes, you might as well be sitting down. Good thing you're not famous, right?

I respect Kaepernick's right to sit during the anthem for what it does not represent to him at this time as much as I respect my own right to stand and be moved to tears by what it represents to me. His protest does not threaten me. It doesn't threaten you either. It doesn't make him un-American. It makes him someone who thinks differently than you do and expresses himself differently than you do. And in America, those things are not a crime.

Not yet, anyway.

Brother, can you spare a dime?

via 

These emergency organizations are asking for donations to help the stricken state (all information herein a straight copy of an article on The Daily Beast).

In what’s been called the worst national disaster since Superstorm Sandy, southern Louisiana has suffered severe flooding that has left thousands displaced and 11 reported dead.

As thousands of volunteers from all 50 states have rushed to assist the stricken state, here’s what you can do to help flood victims.

As noted by VolunteerLouisiana.gov and The Advocate reporter Bryn Stole, monetary donations are preferred to donated goods. This is because cash donations avoid the labor and expense of sorting, packing, transporting, and distributing donated goods, and allow relief agencies to meet individual needs more quickly.

To donate money to United Way of Louisiana, you can text LAFLOOD to 313131 or visit cauw.org. 

To donate to the Red Cross, visitredcross.org, or call 1-800-RED CROSS or text the word LAFLOODS to 90999 to make a $10 donation.

Second Harvest Food Bank says they will distribute thousands of pounds of food, water, and supplies to flood victims, and are asking supporters to donate here.

The Gulf Coast Floods Children’s Relief Fund aims to provide support to specifically help children and families with emergency assistance. They’re accepting donations here.

The Associated Professional Educators of Louisiana has established a relief fund to assist teachers with classroom supplies, which you can donate to here.

A full list of voluntary organizations involved in disaster relief can be found here.

Start your weekend off doing something good for someone in need. No amount is too small.