Friday, September 18, 2020

A Tale of Three Mattresses

Hello and happy Friday and Happy Rosh Hashanah and happy birthday to my friend of nearly 40 years, Jen. 

Once upon a time, a woman had a plan to change a queen mattress out into a king. She ordered the frame she wanted, and since it was on back order and would not arrive until October 6, she cast only a cursory glance at mattresses. She had time.

Then she got a notification that the king frame would arrive September 8. Ah well, she thought. I'll just store that frame in the apartment until at least after the last rental of the season checking out September 20. 

Then she got excited about increased storage opportunities with higher clearance bed frames. When she bought an industrial storage tote and realized they were not readily available, she started amassing them. She looked around her small apartment at the boxes and thought oh dear, I can't deal with being literally boxed in. Whatever shall I do?

Lightbulb moment - she will order a mattress to arrive on Monday. Guests check out Sunday and new guests don't arrive until Thursday. This will work. She tells her husband he has to help her move things.

Sunday night he moves their king bed and installs a new higher bed frame in their apartment. She gleefully installs storage totes under it, eagerly anticipating doing the same through the main house where there is absolutely no storage. 

Monday arrives. The husband gets rid of a full bed frame/mattress/box spring down four stories. He moves a queen bed frame/mattress box spring up one flight. He moves a queen mattress and box spring out of a room and assembles a new higher queen bed frame. He moves a king bed frame from the ground floor apartment up three stories to await the new king mattress. 

The shadows grow long on the day and the mattress has not appeared. Calls to Linenspa and also FedEx assure the woman the mattress will be there Tuesday. All phone representatives are full of pep and promise. The husband was supposed to leave Monday and is now changing his schedule around to accommodate the new arrival date. 

The outlook is still sunny. Anticipation is still in the air. 

The mattress does not arrive Tuesday. The husband is really pushing it and has to leave. They decide to move their king mattress with no handles up three flights in a 120 year old house with narrow entries and doors. This is not ideal for many reasons, particularly because it has come to the end of its usable life and they are getting rid of it soon and who the fuck wants to move that 100 pound thing up two flights of steps (one twisting requiring a lot of pivots) when they're just going to get rid of it? No one. Nevertheless, they huff and puff and vault their pudgy 43 year old selves over the mattress because thankfully it bends or not a damn thing would be getting up those stairs. They crawl their aging backs under it, maneuvering it all around to the bedroom without breaking anything. They joke that the new mattress will surely arrive right after the husband leaves to go to work an hour and a half away. Which he is late for because the fascist president is in town stopping traffic on highways.

Narrator: The mattress does not, in fact, arrive right after the husband leaves. Nor at any time in the next few hours before the "end of the day" as was promised. Night falls and so do the woman's spirits.

On Tuesday evening phone calls, both the shipping originator and FedEx are less sure of the mattress's ability to arrive and in fact cannot vouch for the mattress's location. There is no pep. There are no promises. 

On Wednesday, there is still no mattress.  

Wednesday phone calls:
FedEx: We don't know where it is, but it will surely arrive today.
Me: That's what you said Monday about Tuesday and Tuesday about Wednesday. If it's lost it's cool, I know you are all overloaded with stuff especially during this pandemic, just need to know so I can cancel and place another order. I need a bed.
FedEx: uh we escalated this to an investigation yesterday, we'll call you right back 
no call back

The woman decides to cancel the mattress and re-purchase from Amazon even though the couple is trying not to feed Jeff Bezos but this is what you fucking get when you avoid Amazon. 

Mattress people: Oh no, we understand, we'll certainly cancel and refund. If it shows up you can just refuse delivery or call us and we'll send FedEx back for it. 
Woman: I don't want to be a Karen, but this is your problem now. You can try to nail FedEx down on if this package even still exists. I have someone renting my house. I don't have anywhere to store a huge 110 pound item. I have been anticipating this package's arrival since Sunday. I'm emotionally unavailable to wait for the arrival of this package or deal with it if it ever does arrive. It's not you. It's me.
Mattress people: Oooookay Ma'am. Okay. We'll issue a refund and contact FedEx.

Refund received, new mattress ordered from the Amazon machine to be delivered on Friday. Woman goes about her business. 

Thursday afternoon the mattress no one could locate on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday arrives in the driveway and is deposited next to the renter's car. No notifications of delivery are received. No FedEx trucks in sight. It's like a fairy farted it out and it dropped without a sound. 

The woman huffs and puffs and drags and pleads and busts the screen on the screen door trying to get the mattress box inside. 

Friday morning the second mattress arrives. Delivery man is super nice and deposits mattress inside. 

Two new king mattresses for the price of one. If you drive by on Monday, you might see a third king mattress being ejected from the third story because that shit is not being carried down.

The End. 

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