Friday, January 29, 2016

Thoughts from an 18 hour plane ride

HOUR ONE

Fucking BO. Worst BO ever. WHY GOD? WHY?

Ooh cushy headphones. 

Where is that BO coming from? 

Is it me? MFD? Sniff test time.

So thirsty. Assholes confiscating my water bottles after I've been through security. Motherfuckers. Fucking fucks. 

I wonder how much snow is around the car.

Don't think about the snow. Relax. Serenity. 

Source of BO identified. Diagonally in front of us. Super.

That child sounds like there is a demon inside of it. 

Annnd MFD has fashioned a nose mask to combat the BO using earplugs, toilet paper, an eye mask, and airline socks. I don't know him. Put your hand near your eyes and look away.

And he's reading over my shoulder. STOP IT.

And the girls next to us are taking his photo. 

Wait I have to take his photo.
If they don't get this entertainment system figured out there is going to be a mutiny on this plane. 

HOUR TWO

Pretty sure I'M THE CAPTAIN NOW is on this flight. 

I probably need to go to the grocery store tomorrow

Don't think about to do lists. Go to sleep. Serenity now.

Everything is closing in. Must switch to the aisle seat. 

Have a shitfit on an airplane and force your husband to switch seats with you RIGHT NOW due to claustrophia can now be checked off of my list

Did he seriously tell me to calm down? Does he know me? 

Do not lose your shit. You can do this!

Stuart Smalley shitbag affirmations are not going to work now.

Our picture taking neighbor is going to be the one to start the entertainment system mutiny. She has just confirmed it.

If I don't go to sleep I am going to be a danger to myself and others and also probably get divorced. 

Come the fuck on benadryl, any day now you can start working.

HOUR EIGHT

Dakkar. I can now say I've woken up in Senegal. 

Taking every empty seat physically apart to check it...security is real here.  

Did they seriously want to know if I was going to wake up to eat at 1 am or whatever the fuck time it is? YES, I'm sleeping. NO, I do not want your food. Shove it up your ass!

I'll have two Dramamine instead. Benadryl is fired after hours one and two on this fucking tin can in the sky.

No, I do not want to get up so you can go to the bathroom. 

I smell farts. If I was sleeping, I wouldn't be smelling farts. 

HOUR 14

I can't smell the BO anymore. I can't smell anything. My nostrils are as dry as the Sahara.

Where is the water? How do they expect me to survive without water? They're supposed to leave some in the galley and there's nothing except trash there. 

It's so quiet in here I feel like screaming.

I guess I'm finished sleeping, time to put the pillows away.

Yet again I have a carry on full of just in case shit that I have not used once. I need to reevaluate my carry on life. 

Too bad these cushy headphones don't work. Now I'll never see The Martian.

They totally did not clean the bathrooms in Dakkar like they were supposed to.

HOUR 17

This breakfast tastes like hammered shit.

I hate everyone. It's like Lord of the Flies up in here. 

***************
I dropped my basket about a week before we were supposed to leave and the flights were the main reason. Honestly they were not nearly as bad as I thought they'd be - 16 hours to Jo'burg with a stop to refuel in Accra, Ghana, followed by 2.5 hours to Cape Town and 18 hours from Jo'burg to Dulles with a stop to refuel in Dakkar, Senegal. I am surprised that they seemed to pass quickly thanks to a pseudo sleep both ways.

TGIF! In super poor planning, I have a work event planned for tonight. I just want to take my jet lagged ass home to bed. Happy birthday to my cousin Tiffany today!
 photo purple_zpse5f7f916.png

37 comments:

  1. Wait. They don't already have a bottle of water in your seat pocket waiting for you? Qantas does. I never want to fly anything other than Qantas again.

    Your inflight entertainment didn't work. That is cause for mutiny. Or at least a voucher to use for future airfares. Some compensation needs to be made. Unacceptable.

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  2. Well this is terrifying now and we have 14 hours and then another 4...so yep I'll be in the same boat!! xo, Biana -BlovedBoston

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  3. Ha. Hahahaha. This brings back all sorts of unpleasant memories! I wrote a post about a 12 hour flight, which had similar smell and poor refreshment issues. I think this sums up basically every long haul experience I've ever been on, and by the end feeling like you're in some kind of crazy dreamland/parallel universe. Also, no in flight entertainment?! That's a shocker. I don't sleep on planes so you'd have had to get me off that thing in a straitjacket after 18 hours of staring at the seatback in front of me.

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  4. Oh boy--I can only imagine the thoughts that would be going through my head--probably pretty similar to these. Glad you had safe flights and you got back home ok! Can't wait to hear about the trip after seeing those amazing photos while you were away!!

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  5. Long, atrocious flights are like childbirth - you will eventually forget the pain and suffering. But the BO . . . I would have died.

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  6. my 22 hour flight to thailand was both horrible and kind of awesome. it's a journey, that's for sure. BO though... unacceptable.

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  7. I've been on one extremely long flight, I used all the drugs to sleep through the there and the back trip. The back trip was a full plane though so sleeping was hard and no one was every quiet.

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  8. Haha this is hilarious. I NEVER can sleep on long flights, even if I take dremamine or something. If I did ever fall asleep I would end up missing one of the meals/snacks which is literally the only thing that makes a flight semi-more-enjoyable. Have a great weekend!

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  9. Will someone please perfect beaming now!
    Claustrophobia on a plane is the worst. I start thinking that the air is bad and I am not breathing right. Thank the universe I flew business class when I went to China almost 10 years ago. On an LA flight home I was in the back by the bathrooms with a bunch of old men playing sugar daddies to these girls they wanted to know. Ugh
    Glad you are home ! Love the Mike Doyle pictures. Love your momma.

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  10. oh jeepers. i'm glad they weren't as bad as you expected, that's always good. i always get super sweaty when i fly / walk around airports for some reason, so i'm always paranoid i am the BO culprit. hammered shit made me laugh so hard. gross.

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  11. I am always terrified I'm the source of BO. And for whatever reason, it's always near me on planes, thus amplifying the paranoia.

    I can sleep on planes without drugs. I feel there's something abnormal about that but it's basically the one thing I can actually do.

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  12. I am with you on overpacking my carry-on. uggggh, BO is no joke, esp on a flight that long!

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  13. I cannot stop laughing, and now I'm just waiting for those photos of MFD to surface on that girl's blog! It'll happen.

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  14. I love that MFD was photographed and applaud his ingenuity. I can sleep almost anywhere but 18 hours is a lot, even for me. And I laughed at I am the Captain now but seriously, anyone who acts like that scares the hell out of me because of that movie.

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  15. Cracking up at your thoughts....that's unfortunate you had to suffer through some nasty BO. MFD's head gear is hilarious! LOL @ "That child sounds like there is a demon inside of it."

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  16. I so went from laughing to having a mild panic attack just thinking about it all & reminding myself on why I hate traveling. I cant handle it. I would hurt someone - most likely, myself.

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  17. This is hysterical, particularly the sleep and water thoughts! BO on planes is the worst. On a plane back from India it was so bad that I got nauseous. And there's no escape other than sleep. Glad you made it home safe and sound though!

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  18. Hahahaha this is too funny! I'm glad you were able to sleep, especially with the entertainment center down. That's the only way I can get through long flights because I have trouble sleeping on planes even with the drugs.

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  19. Ugh, BO on a plane is seriously the worst, until you have the extremely dry nose and you can't smell anything anymore! And don't worry, you're not the only overpacker! I'm notorious for it, and never end up using half of what I bring! Glad you made it back from your trip safe and sound!

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  20. Ughhhh. I can't imagine 18 hours! The BO situation is seriously the worst. That's disgusting. My 9 1/2 hour flight to London was the longest I've ever been on and it was torture. More so because the guy next to Jacob puked on us a half an hour after take off.

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  21. Ahhhhh the joys of transcontinental flights! The source of BO has been identified made me LOL, and props to MFD for fashioning a make-shift mask so he didn't have to deal with it. And I couldn't agree with you more on them waking you up at weird times to serve a meal that can barely be classified as food. And when you're sleeping you don't smell farts or BO ;-)

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  22. HHAHAHA, I love it. The longest flight I've been on is 12 hours and that was pushing it #GodBlessMovies. Honestly, who boards a plane with BO. That's so effing rude. Truly. Or smelling much of anything at all. I love MFD's resourcefulness!!! And even if plane food looks gross, I'm still excited to see it. Something to pass the damn time!

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  23. I don't know if I could even do it. I would want alcohol and that is the worst thing ever for flying. It would be xanax all the live long day for me! Welcome back!

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  24. That gas mask is everything.

    Did you wear compression socks? I can't decide if we need them or not. Did they take away your refillable water bottle or a plastic one? I got thirsty just reading that post...

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  25. This had me cracking up! I'm sorry about the smelly man & the non-working entertainment! I would've gone nuts!

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  26. You neglected to mention how my elephant fared... hopefully more comfortably than you!

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  27. Hahahahahahahaha I love that your husband told you to calm down on a tiny plane. Ohhhh hell hath no fury! But his BO mask is legit. Damn people, take a shower before you get on the plane!!! I've never eaten hammered shit before, it sounds pretty nasty. Glad everyone on the plane made it out alive.

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  28. Loved reading this!! LOL! Thank Jesus I can sleep on a plane, I get so bloody restless and it pisses me off that I can't have my giant water bottle with me. It is not sufficient to give me a small glass or junior sized bottle that I'm going to down in one gulp.
    Glad you made it home safely. Your IG pics are gorgeous!!

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  29. This post made my day!! So funny!! I don't think I could handle the flights. I go crazy go just the six hour flight to London. Lol. I can't believe they took your water bottles, I would have been so angry. You Ig pictures were incredible.

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  30. when we were flying home from heathrow, some person must've taken off his shoes that he's worn since birth because it stunk up the whole plane! i remember the air steward walking by and exclaiming OHMYGODWHATISTHAT and then proceeded to spray perfume IN HIS FACE hahahahahaha! i laughed so hard while trying not to gag at the same time.

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  31. This is so funny, but not funny. Long haul flights are never fun, but you made it. Rest up and start planning your next adventure. Welcome home!

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  32. Request compensation for IFE system not working. Brake picture of MFD for a holiday... and then send it out for Christmas. No BO necessary.

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  33. Bahahahahaha... the BO updates were the best! I love MFD's mask and that strangers were taking pics of it, lololol

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  34. This is hilarious and I can totally picture you in my head doing all these things. I would have been aboard the mutiny for not having the entertainment up.

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  35. I howled reading this. I was on the verge of that shit on a five hour flight to Hawaii. I can. not. imagine.

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  36. LOL! B.O. and screaming demon children are the absolute worst on flights of any length (but especially on an international flight).

    I've never taken anything to sleep on a flight (or calm my nerves, for that matter). I'm usually pretty relaxed unless there's a major delay that will prevent me from catching a connection or something like that. That being said, I sometimes still have trouble sleeping on international flights because my body hasn't really caught up to my brain and doesn't understand that I HAVE to sleep or I'll feel like shit the entire day. This was definitely the case last year when we went to Europe. I kept watching movies and maybe slept for an hour. I paid for that with a migraine and generally shitty mood once we arrived in Amsterdam. Good times.

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  37. This is hilarious. I don't get claustrophobic but 18 hours is a long freakin' time!

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