Saturday, August 6, 2011

Fears I will never face

Walking over the Ben Franklin, Brooklyn and Golden Gate Bridges are all things I will eventually cross off of my Life List. I don't like being on bridges, but I recognize the beauty of them, and their necessity. I want to conquer my fear, and I will.

Some fears I am not interested in conquering. I will never build a bridge and get over them. Get it?
Anyway. Let's get this over with. I will forever be a weinerwhistle in regards to the following:

1. Clowns. Why the hell do people still like clowns and dress up like them? Haven't they ever seen Poltergeist? Or It? That was some seriously scary shit. WTF people. Burn all the clown costumes. I'll have you know that when I googled "no clowns" a bunch of scary ass clowns came up. Google, I declare a friendship divorce. Until three minutes from now when I need you again.

2. Slugs. Senior year of college, I was sitting on my front steps (I didn't know to call it a stoop then, having not yet lived in Philly) having quite a serious discussion with a friend via phone and smoking cigarettes like it was my job. I reached behind me to grab my drink and grabbed...cripes I am ill describing this 12 years later...a flipping slug had slugged its way up the side of my MFing glass! I touched it and it was a bad touch. BAD TOUCH! I hyperventilated, heaved the glass away, and ran inside to take to my bed where I passed out and slept through my first class the next day.

3. Bed bugs. I can't do this one, I've been scratching phantom itches since I first started thinking about writing something here. I care about health and the environment, except in the case of extermination for bed bugs. For the love of Lucas PLEASE bring back whatever was keeping these things at bay for so many years.

4. Horror movies and commercials for scary movies. Yes, I know it's all fake.Still, nocandosies people. Of course I've seen some scary movies (see #2 above), but mostly by accident. "What's a poltergeist? Ahhhhhhhhhh!" "IT? Sounds nondescript. I guess it could be good. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!!" My idea of a good time does not include being so afraid that it's a real possibility that I a) pee myself b) vomit c) cry d) poop my pants e) pass out or f) all of the above. If MFD leaves a commercial for a horror flick on for even a second before flipping the channel I am screeching at him in a high pitched voice to turn it turn it TURN IT RIGHT NOW I'M NOT KIDDING YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE THIS STUFF WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Shudder.  Fluffy bunnies fluffy bunnies fluffy bunnies.

Shit. The Donnie Darko bunny. Add demonic bunnies to the list.

Fearful and Loathing in Philadelphia,

p.s. Happy Saturday! Have you seen the google homepage in honor of Lucillle Ball's 100th birthday today?

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