It's the end of the world as we know it and I do not feel fine

Yesterday I compared this week to a down on its luck country song, and I wanted to be able to come back today and say that feeling is gone but it's not.

Don't worry, I am not going to be the person who talks daily about how her dog is dying. But he is, and that is affecting me in a major way so to ignore it is inauthentic. I can't have this blog if I can't be authentic. I cannot show you my joy and refuse to acknowledge my pain. Please don't feel like you have to say you're sorry or anything every time because that is annoying for you, you know? Just send some love.

On one hand I feel like I can't keep writing about this and on the other hand I feel like I can't stop. I know, you're like please...stop. LOL. I don't want to talk about it and I can't stop talking about it to myself. I don't care about anything else and that makes me angry with myself because there are so many other things to care about. I am trying to get through the day at work without crying at my desk (about half successful all week) so I can go home and be alone. I prefer to be sad alone. It was good for me that MFD was in Houston all week.

Monday night I cried and moped and Tuesday night I was in a fog. Both nights I was in bed before 9 pm. All of those things are quite foreign to me - if I cry, I am a quick crier. I don't mope and I don't walk around in a fog unless I have taken conflicting cough medicines and made myself feel like I was on ludes (are they still a thing?). Wednesday night I set out to be more productive and that's when I felt the best. If I am upset about something, I am most comfortable with action, even little things unrelated to what I'm upset about. So I tried. With my usual little self care perk me up things.

Like fresh nails in one of my favorites, OPI My Private Jet. I never use this color without singing I see a line of cars and they're all painted black

I started a new book and said fuck it to two, one that never worked for me and one I loved but felt like I couldn't spend another minute reading. I've gotten more ruthless in the past few months with my do not finish books. And another great Show Us Your Books month, of course. I am still getting around to reading the last 10 linker uppers. Did you catch up with the end ladies?

I saw my niece and I think she was literally the only thing I smiled about on Tuesday. It is impossible to not smile at her. She's funny.

I made a batch of power breakfast muffins to freeze. I always feel better having frozen food ready.

Shoe purging and organization has begun. When things feel chaotic, simplify. Simplify. And if your handwriting is like mine, for God's sake use a label maker. We're not heathens.

Fresh sheets + completed laundry. Freshness never hurt anyone.

Dogs. Always dogs. The incredible love they give is worth the heartache of watching them wane. 

Because it is fucking heartbreaking and it's not going to be something that can be solved with my usual perk myself up tricks. Last night MFD returned from Houston and I was back to laying around crying all night. I want to say I've gotten a grip, I'm handling this! But I haven't and I'm not and that's just how it is.

I think what surprises me the most about how I'm dealing with this is that I'm very straight forward when people I love die. I am sad, sure. I will miss them forever, of course. But I am also very circle of life and I handle it better. I am usually the one in the funeral line who does not cry. When it's time for someone, it's time. I accept that and I want them to have peace. I of course want my dogs to have the same but I want their time to be up when my time is up. For the millionth time, I wish my dogs could talk. This is animal grief this week, and it is ugly.

But this weekend, to the beach, which Geege has always loved. We'll carry him down to give him what might be his last few days in the sun.

Enjoy your weekend. Hug your people! Hug your dogs.

Thursday Thoughts - the lovers, the dreamers, and me

1. Cease and desist, Birkenstock.

2. Question. How do people go about their business in the sun without sunglasses? Even thinking about it is a fate worse than death for me. My eyes are super sensitive to light, I wear sunglasses inside a lot and when it's overcast. Seeing people in the sun sans sunglasses makes me feel desperate inside, itchy to reach for my own and clutch them to my chest like a woobie. It perplexes me.

3. Every fiber of my being hopes that he's going to snap out of it and start eating normally again tonight, but in reality I think Geege is in his final decline. Please excuse my mental and emotional instability at this time, and I don't know if this time is a week or a month or six months or a year or what. Watching this and trying to monitor and gauge comfort is harder than I imagined, and I have imagined it a lot. I have cried more tears this week than I've ever cried in my life over anything, especially over something that is simply in the process of happening. They just leak out at work or on the train or wherever I am. I was crying so hard after the vet left Monday night when I called MFD in TX that I could barely breathe. It was hard to hear that there's nothing to do. Inaction is not my comfort zone. I know love is action but it feels like it's not and I hate that too. I think I've gotten a grip but spent much of the week totally off-balance. Edit: he ate more than he has in weeks last night and was trotting around this morning. Prove everyone wrong, buddy. 

4. My life is a country music song this week: I think my dog is slowly dying, I touched a slug with my bare foot and hand, salsa spilled in my backpack so my planner smells like a Mexican restaurant, and my train hit and killed a person Wednesday morning. Ole, motherfuckers.

5. Irma donations, focusing on the islands. I know Irma is the latest in the news cycle, but please remember TX still needs your help. Prayers and good thoughts are great, but the people affected actually need monetary assistance and physical supplies ONLY of things they have explicitly requested for physical donations, please - lists are provided for a reason. Something they will also need in the weeks and months to come - donations in the form of volunteers on the ground to help clear and rebuild and do physical labor. If you have the time and can get to one of these places, please consider using some of your days to do that. If you can get to Rockport, TX, I can get you a volunteer coordinator contact there - 70%+ of their structures were decimated. I will also pop back at some point with some places to donate to in the Keys since access is still very limited right now and immediate needs remain unclear and thus unmet. As always if you have organizations to add, please let me know.
-US Virgin Islands: Tim Duncan's YouCaring Fund . Virgin Islands Relief Fund is also taking shipments to St. John leaving from Philadelphia c/o Atlantic Aviation on Ashton Road if you would like to drop off until the end of this week, otherwise items will be shipped to Puerto Rico for disbursement to St. Thomas and St. John as there is no mail or air access to them at this point. There is an Amazon wish list and things change daily so please visit the Virgin Islands Relief page or Virgin Islands Relief Fund web page for the most up to date info and needs. If you need assistance navigating that to find the most up to date info, please let me know.
-St Thomas shipping container - You can't get to St. Thomas right now, but supplies are being shipped there if the cost of a container can be covered.
 -Antigua and Barbuda Red Cross - More than 95% of the structures on Barbuda were demolished. There is literally nothing.
- Here is an entire page of Irma gofundmes, many for the islands who are without access to most things at this time
-Donate blood - The Red Cross and OneBlood are calling for blood donations to aid in recovery efforts and make up for the suspension of blood donation efforts in FL. Blood donation activities are suspended in a hurricane but the need for blood does not stop. OneBlood sent supplies west to Texas as they had the same situation and now they are down themselves.
-National Voluntary Organizations Active in Disaster is an umbrella organization registering volunteers who will mobilize to assist on the ground once called upon. As with anything else, do NOT self-deploy to help unless you are working with an organization and have a plan or you will create an additional burden for communities that cannot take care of one more person, even someone looking to do good. This org will deploy across many affected areas.
-Volunteers needed on the ground in TX. MFD has been volunteering around Houston for the past week, these are legitimate and there is need if you have time and the ability to get there and get yourself housed: BakerRipley Harvey Shelter at NRG, Houston Food Bank, Second Baptist Church Houston Strong Volunteer Sign Up (opportunities to bring corporations or groups in to serve)

6. If you REALLY want to help please vote for candidates that believe in science. Call your government reps and tell them to leave flood insurance alone or improve it but not to roll anything back. Tell them not to let over-development of wetlands happen. Tell them climate change is real.

7. MFD comes back from TX today just as I am scheming on moving down the shore for two weeks. It'll add to my commute but I might not mind. And if I do mind I can always come home. I said I was going to do this last year and I didn't. It might be time. I think it would be good for me mentally.

8. Allow me to direct you to
-This ATTN video showing how it would be if we treated male athletes the same way we treat female athletes
-The link to register to vote in PA - October 10 is the last day to register before the 11/7/2017 election. Every election counts. The local ones more than anything. Please know when yours is and when your deadline is to register if you are not already registered or if you have a closed primary and need to affiliate with a party to vote.
-How trump lied to conceal his Moscow business partner
-As we approach the holiday season, maybe consider giving the gift of experiences and time over toys or things
-This opinion piece in Vogue entitled No, Hillary Clinton, the First Woman to Win a Major-Party Presidential Nomination, Does Not Need to Shut Up About It
-Rest in peace, Edie Windsor - a Philly-born warrior for LGBT rights and lead plaintiff in the SCOTUS case that overturned that wretched Defense of Marriage Act and was a huge victory for same sex marriage in the US
-When men are photoshopped from political photos (do not read the comments or you will stab someone)
-Anyone still supporting this shitstain of an administration: no one sees a problem with the White House suggesting a journalist be fired? This is literally what the First Amendment is about.

9. Reminder, thanks to cousin Susan for this one:

10. E-card of the week:

Happy happy birthday to my friend Lauren today! 

Realizations from being away every weekend

Our dogs would prefer living in a place that has no steps.

I'm not worried letting it be known at least one of us is not home most weekends. Anyone looking to rob us would be sorely disappointed as there's nothing left in our house at home to steal since all of our money goes to the shore house and we have left that house just struggling along with no goods and no maintenance. And we have no cares about that.

I am happier in our efficiency apartment than I am in our three floor row home at home or the three floors of the main house at the shore. Even when the main house is empty, we don't stay up there. I do use the kitchen upstairs at the shore though when it's open.

I am outside much more in a place that is extremely walkable and has an ocean.

When I can walk or bike to get food for the day, I don't mind going to the store daily. If given the choice I prefer to drive nowhere.

When we make time for relaxing, we are more relaxed.

I could survive on less than a third of the clothes I have. I wear the same things every weekend without a care.

I don't  need all the stuff I have deemed necessary. I spend most weekends without any of it.

It is easy for me to disengage with real life. If I don't reply to texts immediately it will take me days to remember there was a text in the first place.

The concept of home feels a lot more fluid than it used to. For most of the year, my primary residence feels like the place I crash, do laundry, and get my mail delivered to and the place where I spend weekends feels more like home in my heart. If both places are home, am I really away from home every weekend or just home in a different location?  

Show Us Your Books: today a reader, tomorrow a leader

Verily, I have wandered through a vast desert of broken down books. Which is to say this was a restless reading month for me. I started and cast off a few books in quick succession and snubbed my nose at others. I also started two that I couldn't remember if I had read before. When that happens I will either let it ride and not read much or if I want to read I will find a mystery/thriller that sets me back on track.

Once again we are coming up on the anniversary of SUYB next month, so stay tuned for our annual giveaway. 

Linkup Guidelines:

This link up is the second Tuesday of every month. The next is  Tuesday, October 10, 2017 
Please: 

1. Visit and comment with both of your hosts, Jana & me
2. Display the button and/or link back to us on your blog post
2. Visit other blogs who've linked up and get some book talk going!

Here's what I've read from the last linkup.

Engrossing Reads

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman - I loved this book and am so pleased that the reason I picked it - the title - was backed up by a good story. I've been waiting for it for a while from the Philly library. I walked into Ocean City and picked it off the shelf. It's a worthy read. OCNJ library hardback

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz - I loved the characters and the story so much. I know people hate neat endings and things that work out how you'd like them to. I'm not really one of those people. Philly library hardback

Another Brooklyn by Jacqueline Woodson - Masterful, haunting, beautiful writing. Books that are written like this make me imagine I can feel the drumbeat of their song in my chest as I read them. Smashing cover too. OCNJ library hardback

The Dark Lake (Gemma Woodstock #1) by Sarah Bailey - This kicked me forward, as it's my sweet spot murder mystery genre. I do hope this becomes a series. I liked flawed and real Gemma. Free e-book from Netgalley

Wish You Were Here by Renee Carlino - When I read Swear on this Life, I thought man I like this even though it's the type of book I usually hate. I thought the same thing when I was reading this. So maybe I do like these kinds of books. Or maybe I just like Renee Carlino. Free e-book from Netgalley.

Passed the Time Just Fine

Cocoa Beach by Beatriz Williams - Okay, so did you guys know all of her novels are loosely connected? I did not know that and since I have liked the ones after A Hundred Summers less, I wonder if reading them as they were intended would have made my overall experience with her better? It's been good, but it could be better. This required a lot of attention but it was enjoyable. Kindle e-book, gift from Gladys

The Blinds by Adamn Sternbergh - An interesting concept that dragged a little bit and also lacked depth. Still not a not worth it. Hardback BOTMC, own

Five Minutes Alone by Paul Cleave - This is the fourth in the Theodore Tate series I think. I don't know, it was hard to find info online. I liked this and will probably read more by Cleave. OCNJ library paperback

Unraveling Oliver by Liz Nugent - I mentioned a while back that I didn't need any more multiple narrator books in my life and immediately started reading this multiple narrator book. It was good though and reminded me a little of The Talented Mr. Ripley. Netgalley e-book

Fox's Earth by Anne Rivers Siddons - I kept feeling like I'd read this in the past, and alas I had, but I read it again and it was still fucked up and good. Paperback, own and will trade

Where or When by Anita Shreve - Lord, what a mess all around. Unhappiness compounded leads people to do stupid things. paperback, own and will trade

Not Worth It
Snowbound by Blake Crouch - This book was like reading a tiny sliver of a Tarantino script where you could only see the one dimensional characters lacking depth and everyone was like Honeybunny in the diner. Kindle e-book

Mrs. Saint and the Defectives by Julie Lawson Timmer - I fucking hated Markie in this book. I almost stopped reading it three times because of her. I liked the rest of the characters though so I kept on. In the end it was a weird dark twist and looking back I should have stopped reading it. Amazon Kindle First selection

Did Not Finish
The Lonely Polygamist by Brady Udall - Deja vu. I started reading this a few years ago, didn't like it, and gave up. I tried again, same result. Amazon e-copy

Charleston by Margaret Bradham Thornton - Ughhhh. I loved the cover of this and it sounded like it would be good. Droll as fuck, I could not make it more than an hour reading this. Kindle e-book

And you? What have you been reading? 

An InLinkz Link-up

TWTW - the back in a quasi routine one

Friday late afternoon found me shopping for supplies to add to the box my company sent to Austin Disaster Relief Network for their Hurricane Harvey response. Everyone I have spoken to there was so nice and and gave me an exact list of needs to share with the staff - I do not send physical donations until I speak with someone who tells me what is needed so nothing is sent that can't or won't be used. I got a lot more hand sanitizer and a lot of new socks since I was shopping for me and my neighbor. I tried to think about nice helpful people as I sat in two hours of traffic to the shore. Just like summer.

I was up until 1 am reading but still got up at 5:50 for the sunrise and was treated to a lovely lavender morning moonrise for my efforts.

My dad installed new smoke detectors in the house and I rescheduled delivery for a bed frame, box spring, and lamps that were supposed to arrive Saturday but were delayed by the storms in the south. My dad got Brown's donuts and we hit the beach for a gorgeous but hot beach day followed by a little afternoon lie down with my dogs. The 43rd Annual Classic Car show was on the boards so I checked them out when I got a hotdog for lunch.

We had dinner outside at Jon & Patty's. It was a gorgeous night and the duck egg rolls were amazing.  They treated me to dinner and I treated them to a trip to ACME where Carol was my personal cart pusher and my Dad carried my girly reusable bags to the car. They are good sports.

I was in bed early but Mae got up at 3:30 and I had her out twice by 4:30 then she stared at me until 8 am. Torture. My dad and Carol cleaned which saved me some hours. I cleaned the main floor for next weekend's guests and worked on my closet reorganization project before reading on the porch with the dogs. I also picked up cushions at Pier 1 where I successfully avoided the clearance items and met an old man feminist. I rode my bike to the beach to do some life contemplation at the water's edge before rounding the weekend out with a Dole Whip from Aloha, a peek at the Corvette Show, and a dog walk. Geege gets carried most of the way now. I am that lady.

Weekly food prep is back, finally. Breakfast is scrambled eggs and a plum, lunch is PB&J on a light english muffin with baby bell peppers on the side, and dinner is chicken thighs made with a bunch of shit in the crockpot, roasted red potatoes and red onions, and steamed asparagus. MFD is gone so I can eat the same thing all week without anyone bitching. I also made ground beef in bone broth for Geege to add to the list of things he's not eating (vet is coming back tonight) and breakfast burritos for the freezer.

I got home at 6:30 to an entirely too fucking loud neighborhood and regretted my decision to come back Sunday.


Favorite day tomorrow!

Day of Remembrance today. I've only written about this once and that will stand because I can't do it again. I had to look for this image without never forget on it. I would never could never forget a minute of that day. I don't know anyone who can.

My thoughts are with those who were in Irma's path but as these people need a lot more than thoughts and prayers I'll be sharing some links of where to donate on Thursday and before then on my facebook page.

Linking up with Biana at B Loved Boston for Weekending