Favorite Reads of 2023

Talk a little while about the year, by which I mean actually do not talk much about it

The title comes from A Long December by the Counting Crows, of course. I will actually not be talking much about the year itself because I don't have the space to at the moment and frankly, it's not required of any of us so I'll be going gently into the next. I'm worn down, my dog died this week, and I have spent the rest of the week in an intentional drift mode that I need. Every year has good and bad, and this one was no different. I'm going to share a least favorite run on sentence thing and then a list of favorite things to remind myself and in case you want to try any of them out in 2022.

Least favorite thing

In many ways it feels like we’re stuck on a 2020 spin cycle, back to blurred work/life boundaries, government stuck in neutral on things that could really help people, most of us living in two distinctly different worlds surrounding an ongoing global pandemic and late stage capitalism resembling Squid Games/Hunger Games, and I now live in a world without Gus. 

Favorite things - some happened this year, some I found this year, some I've been using for years but wanted to include. If the link goes to amazon it is affiliate. If you do not purchase from Amazon I am sure it is available elsewhere. 

Reconfiguring small spaces in our shore apartment and Philly kitchen and larger spaces in the basement in Philly, moving two beds into one bedroom and and turning the then unused spare bedroom into a fully functional and set up home office. I have the same amount of space everywhere but more useable space almost everywhere

Wallpapering my closet with peel & stick (this one). MFD did the small bathroom at the shore with a tile version of peel and stick and grout and I'm super happy with it. 

Sunsets. I was Team Sunrise forever and I mean of course I still am but sunset is a nice way to put the day to rest and I made it a point to do that a lot this year

Mixing three types of Johnson’s popcorn. Barry's Tea. Hot chocolate icing from Cake Life Bakery in Philly. Frozen mixed berries from Aldi. Dried mango from Aldi. 

The integration of Billy Hicks. His unknown to me arrival still stresses me out a little LOL. Also Litter Genie

Dogs crowding onto an electric blanket

A solid rental season at the shore 

Rooting for good things for my friends and fam. Love is good and important, but really rooting for people is where it's at.

Some new windows and all new exterior doors at the shore, and then painting my shore doors 

Peloton stretching, daily walks

Mare of East Town, Ted Lasso, Yellowstone, select Hallmark Christmas movies (first time watcher in 2021) 

Seaglass, whelk shells, empty winter beaches

Vaccines. Boosters. 

These 12 books

Fold out shore desk and Two tier shelf

Outside

This pullover sweater-ish sweatshirt from Aerie, these leggings from Old Navy

Etsy shops: Islann Co (hair ties), TWSS Quote Shop (mug, tee, graphic design work)

Patchology lip service glass to balm treatment, 

Paula's Choice Omega+ Complex Cleansing Balm (to remove sunscreen after multiple reapplications on a beach day)

Vintage glass taper candleholders. Thrift stores. Small shops in little towns. Contrarily, HomeGoods. 

Target curbside pickup, Shipt

Lefant robot vacuum 

rechargeable candle lighter , Light sensing nightlights, Swan Creek candles

Knowing I never have to go back to my office in person unless I want to

A few trips into the city, being more conscious of slowing down, allowing myself to rest instead of do, letting people and things go, using my energy wisely, more eating out, other people's coffee, the return of a lot of things even if they were modified or different

Girls weekend at the shore, an impromptu night with Kim and Melissa and their girls at Melissa’s, a December day in Fishtown, a quick September weekend visiting Kim and Libby and Steve, running around Southern Vermont, family shore time throughout the year especially with my niece and nephew (hope to not push more sand wheelchairs again any time soon), driveway parties, my brother Sean and Nicole's engagement party, my Dad and Carol staying with us, Friendsgiving at the shore, a visit from Meem in January, July 4 weekend at the lake with Lori & Jack...so many things I am not bringing to mind immediately...basically all the times I got to spend with people I love

Those of you who have been here for a while know I like to end the year by giving to (usually two) organizations that are not on my monthly donation list. Some years I don't have a lot to give and some I do, but the intention is always the same: help others while asking for or receiving nothing in return. It's a good way to leave the year and if you like that idea, I hope you'll do the same. 

I hope regardless of any personal, professional, or societal losses or challenges that may have made your year heavy, that you too have a list of favorites large and small to leave this year with. If you are so inclined, share a few with me below! 

Show Us Your Books: 12 Favorite Reads of 2021

I love when people share their favorite reads of the year. I almost always find something to immediately add to my very long to be read list. I would rather die with books unread than be pawing around for something to read at any time, so keep sharing books you love. I'm going to do that in a different way this year, not saying a damn thing about why I liked them. I'm just listing them and you can do with that what you will. My dog died three days ago and this is what I have the bandwidth for. 

As of today I've read 143 books this year -  142 published plus one Beta read for Shelby. You can always see what I'm reading in real time by following me on Goodreads.. I think this link takes you to my year in books which I always like to look over. Yet another year with no cool diagrams like some people share and I always say I will make happen and alas I do not. 

You can go to this page where all of the original SUYB posts live in one place - the read in MONTH below means the book is in that month's SUYB post, maybe not read in that actual month since they don't go by calendar months. Out of 143 books, here are my 12 favorite reads for the year:

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters - read in January

Circe by Madeline Miller - read in February

The Last Thing He Told Me by Laura Dave - read in May

We Begin at the End by Chris Whitaker - read in May

The Nature of Fragile Things by Susan Meissner - read in July

Mary Jane by Jessica Anya Blau - read in July

The Paper Palace by Miranda Cowley Heller - read in September 

Once There Were Wolves by Charlotte McConaughy - read in September

Everything We Didn't Say by Nicole Baart - read in November 

Sankofa by Chibundu Onuzo - read in November

Wish You Were Here by Jodi Picoult - read in December

No One Will Miss Her by Kat Rosenfield - read in December 

Important ALSO: I read #s 11, 12, and 13 in the Josie Quinn series by Lisa Regan this year, the first in a new series by Harlan Coben about one of the Myron Bolitar series characters (Win), and the 13th in the Kate Burkholder series by Linda Castillo and they were all great. I depend on series books and they don't usually make my year end lists. 

Happy birthday to Angie today!

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Favorite Reads Link Up will be open until 1/9/2022 - please check back for later linker uppers!

1. Visit and comment with both of your hosts, Jana & me, and check in with as many in our reading circle as you can - give some love to the later linker uppers! 

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3.  The next regular Show Us Your Books linkup is Tuesday, January 11, 2022

525,600 Minutes - How do you measure a year?

This is not my typical reflection on the year post. 

There’s no way in hell I could or would do that this year. I'm not feeling reflective.

As we crawl toward the calendar end of 2020, the only things that matter to me are we both remained healthy, we had food on the table, we lost income but kept our jobs and both houses, MFD's sobriety is intact, and we are lucky as fuck compared to who and what others have lost and what others have been through this year. I'm writing this from a place of immense privilege, like I write everything. I know where I sit. Friends and family who had Covid are still with us, those who have lost jobs and income are still hanging on. This has not been the hardest year of my life by far. I've had more personally devastating years. This year the aggregate pain of the world is an enduring pressure squeezing all the air out of the room and you can't be human and not feel that. 

Our collective personal lives have been drowned in the tsunami of a global pandemic, political theater, and social unrest. It's hard to feel anything matters beyond the very big national and global shit swirling around us, the reality of people dying around us, the disbelief of others that that dying is even happening, and individuals and small businesses suffering financially while billionaires get more billionaire-y when we have the economic ability to remove that suffering. It's a lot to process. It takes up a lot of space in my brain and my heart. 

But we beat on, boats against the current in our individual lives. Things have not stopped happening to and for us in the good or bad sense. Since 2011 I've kept this blog as a marker for myself, a journal of my life. In recent weeks I've found I have forgotten major things that happened in my life this year. Like our house in Philly being in the path of a tornado slipped my mind. I am also frequently surprised to find my mother-in-law is no longer alive. I see a photo of MFD and I in a fucking commercial that was on TV all over the place in an hour and a half radius when he was running for office and I feel like I walked in on Bobby Ewing who I thought was dead in the shower on Dallas. Did all of that happen? 

It did. It all happened. 

These are big life events in my life, and they've gotten lost this year. Writing is a big part of processing for me, and since creativity, focus, and writing took a pandemic hit, here we are. This is a list to remind me of what happened in my life in a year that is blurred at the edges and raw in so many places. There are some things on here from before the pandemic (March 16 is my Pandemic Date, what's yours?) that I forgot about completely. This list is also not complete. It's hard for me too look too closely at things after March. So if you're reading this, this is the skim. 

-My mother-in-law died in April after a terrible battle with cancer. The 10 person funeral we had is like a beyond bizarre dream sequence from Twin Peaks. No typical large funeral or lunch. No internment. It still does not feel real. 

-We lost other friends and family members and did not attend their funerals. As an example, we lost Aunt Clara on MFD's side, and she was just the literal best. It hurt not to be able to attend services for her like I know it hurt people to not be able to be there for MFD and his siblings and honor his mom. The loss of people outside of Covid and the inability to gather in the typical ways that become touchstones to that person's physical parting is one of the things that will stick with me the most. It's like people have just disappeared and it feels awful. 

-I did not once this after shit fell apart in March fall back into a bad old habit I have always fallen back into: smoking. Stress smoking, comfort smoking, social smoking...none of it, not once. 

-I lived at the shore from May through...well, I'm still here. 

-I went to the beach pretty much every day. I probably missed 10 days since May

-I have never collected so many amazing treasures from the sea

-Living mostly in an efficiency apartment showed me how much I keep that I do not use or need

-I worked from home from March 16 on

-I ate outside at a restaurant once since March 17 and inside zero times. I’ve never gotten so much takeout in my life

-MFD got on the ticket in a write in and ran for office, and got a lot of support and press. My house was a campaign office from the summer on. My neighbor let her sister use her house to stalk us and film us and put our private everyday living business on the internet and now is unsure why we are not feeling neighborly toward her. There were racist incidents PLURAL on my street with Black and brown campaign folks including a major incident at my polling station on Election Day. People continue to disgust and disappoint me. 

-MFD was shut down work-wise for a time by order of the governor and threw all of his energy into getting food to people in our community and his larger recovery community who were struggling. 

-He also started classes to add Certified Recovery Specialist to his skill set. 

-Our house in Philly was in the path of a tornado in early August. No one was hurt but the roof had to be replaced and most of my beloved tree removed. The skylight, window panes, and fence still need addressing. 

-Philly house, mostly before the pandemic hit: MFD redid the entry floor in Philly with floorpops. Vincent painted the spare room in the basement in BEHR Cherubic in preparation for my mother-in-law moving in which obviously never happened, MFD painted the dining room (gray, I can't find the color right now) and I painted some of its furniture, we replaced the dining room table with one on clearance from Pier 1, main level floors got refinished for a fucking steal from a local neighborhood team, and the kitchen cabinets got painted. Some of this stuff  like the entry and floor refinishing we’ve been talking about doing for 10 years.

-Shore house: In February the small full bathroom in the upstairs of the shore house got a new sink and the big full bathroom got a new vanity/sink and shower pan (the old one was cracked and miraculously held through summer 2018) and we finally bought a new sectional couch for our shore apartment (in February, it would not make it there for quite a number of months due to the pandemic). We took the next steps in the year round plan at the shore: had baseboards installed in the bathrooms and started window replacement, which was supposed to start in the spring but we did not push the button on that because of income loss. Since you go under if you get too far behind on scheduled maintenance and you don’t have contractors available at the ready, we ended up putting the deposit down in the fall but the fucking windows are still not in yet. We also got rid of one of two remaining mattresses from when we bought the shore house (full bed), moved some beds around, and added a king. Also got rid of an old dresser and replaced it with one my Dad & Carol were getting rid of. I also got rid of Comcast cable.

-Mice. I fucking dealt with mice. A lot of mice. I became obsessed with their deaths

-I’m not doing world events but man losing RBG fucking hurt. A personal hero and birthday twin. So many times this year kicked us when we were down. This was one of those times for me.

-In addition to property manager and admin for the shore rental, I became a Covid counselor. I never imagined people would want to get so deep and emotionally bond with me as I was returning their money to them over and over and over. I rebooked one week this summer five times. I am almost unable to start for 2021. I have contracts unwritten all over the place.

-An impromptu trip up and back to North Jersey in January just to see Laura and have lunch, a weekend trip to Boston to visit Kim and Steve and Libby, a long weekend trip to Florida to visit Aunt Carrie and Uncle Jim in their happy place and saw my college roommate for the first time in many years while I was down there. I also spent time at Lori's lake house while tornadoville was happening in Philly. 

-We saw Aunt Mary Pat at the Ferko Clubhouse for a fundraiser. Harriett's Bookshop opened at the beginning of February and we were there for it.

-My dogs got a pink princess bed and I took 230984834 photos of them in it, I started Year of the Dip and let it mostly die on the vine after March 16, I was working 12 hour days and most weekends through most of January and February and it was killing me

-The love of reading, writing, cooking, dulled. Focus dulled. Creativity dulled. Exhaustion. Brain fried. Inability to concentrate. Forgetful. I’ve never spontaneously cried so many times in my life about things not personally related to me

-I started watching TV and movies again

-I talked out loud to the camera a lot purposefully and put it on Instagram. Lunch time check ins. 

-I lost friends because I did not choose whiteness over everything else 

-Due to shore house cancellations/WFH for all/covid protocol agreements, I spent more time with my niece and nephew this year than I ever have and it was really great. Truly one of the brightest spots, and time with them and my brother and Aubrey and parents are the only times I felt remotely normal all year. Thanks to the shore house which allows people to stay separate from us and the great outdoors I also got to see people in person throughout the year: Kim and Steve and Libby, Laura and Chris and MBD and the boys, Melissa and Jim and Zach and Zo, Debbie, Michelle and Amelia, Amanda and Frank and Eva who I saw the most and also made me feel like things were going to be okay. Outdoor gatherings forever. 

-Labor Day old school driveway party if we can consider under 10 a party. For the purposes of this year, we can and will. 

-Excellent text chains with my people

-So many fucking walks. So so so so many. Not many sunrises. Lots of sunsets. More soda than I've drank in years. More Snickers ice cream bars than I've ever eaten in my life. 

There is no putting a shine on this turd of a year and I'm not looking to paper the walls with silver lining. I think a lot about what the enduring effects of this year will be on my mindset. Were there unexpected side effects that turned out to be good or in my favor? Yes. Am I glad 2020 is over? Yes. But things are not going to magically change at the stroke of midnight. 

I'm prepared for that.

2021 is still going to be hard. 

Gratitude is not hard. I didn't accomplish much or set the world on fire and I cannot stress enough how little I care about that. I’m just thankful I held on through this year when my mental state took a huge hit, that I still have a job, that my husband picked up my slack and also helped guide me through when I’m usually the guider. I’m grateful for everyone and everything that kept me afloat. 

Hope is not hard. I am hoping for a better year for all of us. I’m hoping we remain healthy and careful until it’s time for vaccinations for regular people. I’m hoping we drop the fucking conspiracy theories across the board because they are fucking maddening and so tiring in an already exhausting world. I'm hoping our government starts governing for the people and that we hold their feet to the fire to do so. I'm hoping we do the hard work in confronting white supremacy in ourselves and in all spaces we find ourselves in to make this world livable for marginalized people. I'm hoping each of us individually finds it within ourselves to make sure that if things are good for us, we don't stop there but make sure they are also good for our neighbors (unless they stalk you, then fuck those people). I'm hoping we give each other grace as we navigate our way out of this pandemic and grapple with all the changes that have occurred in such a short time and all the inequities that have truly been laid bare for all to see - if we ignore them now it will be at our own peril. I'm hoping we take the good things we painstakingly extracted from this insane year and usher them forward, creating space for them. I'm hoping we leave old ways that were hurting us as people and as a society in the past. 

For 2021 I don’t have a word of the year or an agenda or goals beyond survival, health, rest, work/life boundaries, and hydration...but I do have a commitment to do my part to make the world I want to live in come to fruition. And hope. I have hope.

I’m hoping. I’m hoping. I hope you will too. 

Every year is your year

The last few years I see more people saying how the year we're leaving has sucked and the next year is going to be better. Myself included a few times.

Every year is good and bad. It is the yin and yang. This is real life, not a perpetual good trip. Why do we expect carefree, easy living when everything in history and our collective adult life experience tells us that expectation is unreasonable, like Poison told us Every Rose has its Thorn? 

Especially as we get older, the reality is that there is no sustained period of time where everything goes our way, no one gets sick or dies, nothing breaks or costs a shitload of money we did not anticipate spending, nothing brings us to our knees, we make no mistakes, we deal with no loss of anything, we have no shock or disappointment or rage or upheaval. Sometimes those things happen in succession and life seems like a lot because it is a lot sometimes.

I'm not saying some years aren't harder than others. We have bad or devastating things happen that can be hard to recover from. When we don't recover within the time frame we've set up for ourselves, we think we're not okay. Not dealing with things like we expected to can take us by surprise. 

When we lose something - a loved one, a friendship, an opportunity, a marriage, a way of life, a job, whatever it is - we grieve. Grief changes who we are as people - to survive requires some internal rewiring. Likewise, when we gain something - a loved one, a friendship, an opportunity, a marriage, a way of life, a job, whatever it is - we expand to adapt, and expansion requires internal rewiring just like grief does. Trying to move forward out of grief or expansion using our old ways doesn’t work because we're not the same as we were before that loss or gain. We can't take the same paths and expect them to lead us to where we want or need to go. Life requires alternate routes and we need to give ourselves permission to take them instead of clinging to old ways that block us from going forward.

We also go into every new year thinking who we are on January 1 is who we will be on December 31, forgetting that every grief and expansion will change us a little (or a lot). 

Maybe we didn’t do one single thing we planned to this year. Maybe instead we survived some things that were unexpected and fucking hard, looked good doing it, laughed when we thought we didn’t have it in us, learned something we had no idea we needed to know, helped someone when we ourselves needed help, showed someone that it’s okay to not be okay, and about a million other small but really good things that we sweep aside when we push a year into the not my year category. 

If you come through a year where some things were great, but then some things were really fucking hard but to date you’ve survived 100% of the hard things and also laughed, connected, hugged, enjoyed, shared, learned, exchanged smiles, saw beauty, felt the sun on your face, heard music, tasted deliciousness...how can that NOT be your year? Give yourself credit and cut yourself some slack. You’re out there killing it being human, and you’re going to do it again next year. 

Here’s to 2020. 

Slithering towards Christmas Break

via GIPHY

Slither (v): to slide or slip unsteadily on a loose or slippery surface.

What has 2018 been to me and a lot of you but a loose or slippery surface? No year is all good or bad, but let's just say I prefer my years to shift under my feet much less than this one did. I don't like to scramble for a new hold every second. 

I am in the every day is a good day to start fresh camp but I must acknowledge that I'm looking forward to the symbolism of the year change more than usual. When I am in a period of personal reassessment and change, I find I have less desire to engage in my traditions, which means some of them are destined for change too. 

I didn't send cards for the first time in 15 years and where I thought I'd feel regret, I felt relief. I didn't put all of my interior Christmas stuff out and I don't hate the minimalist approach to seasonal decor. My living room and basement are in a state of transition and even though I'm entertaining this weekend, I don't care. I don't think I have the right amount of gifts and what I have is not sorted or wrapped but I am operating under the you get what you get and you don't get upset guide to gift giving.

Despite not doing those things - or because of the space created by not holding resentment about doing them when I don’t feel like it - I feel like I have more capacity to enjoy what matters most to me at Christmas: face time with friends and family;  reading with the tree as a backdrop; and time off to just be, or in my case to get shit done or rest, I get tired really quickly and still am not back to normal. My company was awesome and gave us Christmas Eve and NYE as additional holidays and I am here for it.

Will I go back to those things next year? Maybe. Those are decisions for next year. I won't hold so tightly to the old that I have no room for anything new. The nice thing about traditions is that they’re always there if you feel like going back to them. They don’t hold it against you if you skip a year or five.