Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween. Gimme some candy.

Happy Halloween and happy Samhain. Blessed be!

We had a great time Saturday at the annual Fischetti/Ficci Halloween party. Our costumes:

I also had a great time laughing so hard I cried before we left. I was sitting in the car, and MFD was cleaning it off with a fly swatter since we couldn't locate the scrapers. Who the F expects snow on Halloween weekend? He slipped and nearly fell, and his wig fell right off of his head. Sorry people. Falling (or nearly falling) is funny.

I am off to do mundane errands like grocery shopping and picking up a prescription, because I was a lazy ahole yesterday and didn't get them done. I abhor driving on Halloween.

Be safe out there! Trick or treat, little homies.


Friday, October 28, 2011

Friday, I think I love you

TGIF, mofos. I'm not sorry to see this week go: week two of this wretched chest cold, three nights of all over body hives, two of my good friends laid parents to rest this week and I couldn't be there for either funeral, and it's been a disastrous week as a homeowner. I do not thrive in a chaotic or messy environment, so good day, week from hell. I SAID GOOD DAY.

Incidentally, that was the alternate title of my blog,, but some wanker had it and would mean that I was constantly referring to myself in the third person, which I'm rabidly opposed to. So, weinerwhistle weinerwhistle weinerwhistle.

Speaking of, this week's weinerwhistle award goes to Charlie Brown. I know I'm not popular for this, and I don't really care. Charlie Brown and Linus are weinerwhistles and Sally is a complete fool. I do like Snoopy, Woodstock and the music. Suck it, Great Pumpkin.

My Halloween weekend tips:
1. Have fun.
2. Be safe.
3. Don't dress up as a clown.
4. Don't have jello wrestling, it's a mess to clean up.
5. Don't chintz on candy for the children.
6. Don't bother trying to top me and MFD as Dog the Bounty Hunter & Beth from a few years back:

Favorite movie line of the week:

Hollywood, you're an asshole for remaking Footloose and Dirty Dancing. No reason.

Happy Halloween Weekend!


p.s. A spoke on my beloved Totes clear bubble umbrella broke yesterday. I had to stop at Kiddie Mart (What my Pop calls K-Mart) on the way home, and hark! They had a full rack of them. You rarely see them in stores. Hie thee to Kiddie Mart, people!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I Don't Get It - Volume II

More things I don't get, man.

1. The phrase "Just sayin'." Are you actually just saying it, or are you really doing it/thinking it/feeling it? The phrase's time has come to an end. I'm not just saying that. I really mean it.

2. When the weather turns from summer to those first crisp days of fall in October and people turn out in wool coats and gloves. No one has fleeces or lighter jackets? A heavier sweater and scarf are inadequate for 63 degree weather? Do their moms send them out like this in January?

3. Imma be.

Gus - Halloween 2006
4. Thinking dolls and stuffed animals are cute as an adult.

5. Consistently being late. We all have things that delay us when we're trying to get somewhere. Life is about adapting and constantly examining options and priorities - sometimes you can't do something or deal with an issue AND be on time. If it can wait, let it wait. Most things can wait. Don't keep your clients, colleagues, friends or family waiting. It's unprofessional and rude.

Set your clock earlier or something, fool.
6. How my entertainment center can be dusty immediately after I dust it. Why, household gods? Why?

TV tuned in to Investigation Discovery Channel.

7. These two.

8. The most recent upgrade to facebook. I can see what friends post on the walls of their friends that I don't know. Why would I want to be able to do this? Everyone likes to stalk a little bit but this is just a creeper's paradise, Zuckerberg.

9. The Real Housewives. I watch, but I don't understand. 

10. Why people think only lazy uneducated hippies understand Occupy Wall Street. I have a job and a mortgage. I bathe daily. I don't piss outside unless it is absolutely necessary. I don't understand the concept of not working every day or not washing every day, but I do understand people taking issue with  the American taxpayers bailing out the banks and other corporations and then being pissed off when the banks hike fees on the consumers and stop lending money to small businesses; and the CEOs of the banks and other corporations continue to make a zillion dollars and receive bonuses. That makes no sense to the OWS protestors, and I have to agree with them. Some of the OWS people are probably lazy assholes, some of them are pissing all over the walls of City Hall or storing their urine in bottles here in Philly...but some of them are exactly like me, and work their asses off and are getting squeezed by the tax man while huge corporations fuck off and are not held accountable for what they've done with the money lent to them from my taxes, and CEOs of companies that were bailed out flitter around on private jets.

I am annoyed with every member of my government, and I think they should all be called to the carpet and impeached. I'm sick of the politicking, the finger pointing, and the arguing over gay marriage and abortions while people lose their jobs and homes. Fix the fucking economy and let people worry about who they marry or if they carry a child. Hold people accountable for their lives. Cut the lifetime pensions and health benefits for elected officials - you serve your term(s) and you go, then you do something else. You don't continue to live off of the tax payers for eternity. Create jobs so the unemployed and the people on welfare can earn a living and provide for themselves. Fix the welfare system - it was designed to give people a leg up, not to be their income for years and years. 

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Weekend that Was

Alas, kindred spirits, another Monday is upon us. I am in a good mood for a Monday, even though I was woken up at 6 a.m. by MFD reciting lines from National Lampoon's European Vacation in his sleep, forgot my breakfast, all the trash did not get out, two women were applying full face makeup on the train this morning, I have hives on my feet and my nails look like a homeless person's.

Perhaps someone slipped me an upper with me knowing? That would certainly account for this uncharacteristic good Monday mood.

Have some coffee and enjoy my weekend misadventures:

1. Major Project #1: Plant Bulbs.  I ordered my summer bulbs from Michigan Bulb, and on Friday I tracked them and they were on the truck for delivery, so I slated this chore for Saturday. They did not arrive Friday or Saturday. Incidentally my neighbor's new iPhone did not arrive, nor did my US Magazine. In any case, the bulbs did not get planted. Balls.

Where the F are my bulbs?
2. I took the dogs for a walk on Saturday and locked myself out of the house for an hour and a half with no phone. No neighbors were home for me to use their phone. Then MFD got home from work...he used my car on Saturday and took my spare keys...which have no house key. He did have a phone though, so we were able to get in when his sister brought the keys. Balls.

3. Major Project #2: Make Halloween costume. This did not happen for a few reasons. My name is not Laura and I am not crafty. Lack of time on Saturday due to time suck mentioned in #2 above. And Sunday I took a three hour nap instead. 

4. Every once in a while we come home to Keurig KCups with teeth marks in them on the floor near the closet where they are stored in plastic bags in a fashionable and awesome bin with no top. Sunday I left my house with Debbie only to turn around a block away because I forgot my phones. I caught Gus in the act of furiously ripping into the Donut Shop KCups. Foiled, Fatty. Mama's storing that shit in an impenetrable fortress of a bin from here on out. Add ugly bin with lid to this week's shopping list.
5. Pumpkin bars are the devil. The very very good devil with a large and fat behind from all the butter in them. I baked some Saturday morning, and between me, our nephew Drew and MFD, they're pretty much gone. Thanks to Shelby (see her blog here) for the recipe, which is super easy and listed after sign off below.  

6. Closet doors are my nemesis. I couldn't open them in the spare room so I ripped them off like Hulk Hogan rips through his shirt and will put curtains up on a tension rod like I did on my closet and the coat closet. HGTV would not be pleased, but it works for me. Closet door installation is a project to add to the Before We Sell list.

On a related note, I am full of glee over my newly purged and organized closet. I do not thrive in disorganized and chaotic home environments. Here's a tip for you people looking to organize shoes. I never knew what to do with mine. This is how I've stored them for the past three years. It's the best system I've ever used. Boxes like this are on the top of my closet and the spare closet. They can be found at Target for $2 a pop, and I buy the labels there too. Easy peasy.:

Other weekend highlights: another meal made with mushrooms, time with my nephews, sitting around a bonfire at Shady Brook on Sunday night with friends and family, more quality time with Investigation Discovery Channel, slept snug as a bug in a rug after putting the down comforter on on Saturday.

That's all, friends. Have a stellar week.

Humming on a Monday,


Shelby’s Pumpkin Bars
1 box yellow cake
3 large eggs
2TBS milk
1/4C sugar
3 TBS flour
1TSP cinnamon
1/2C melted butter
1 13.5 oz jar Muirhead 0r other pumpkin butter
1/4C cold butter

Preheat oven to 350. Reserve 1C of cake mix. Combine remaining cake mix, 1/2C melted butter and 1 egg. Stir well until mixed and press onto bottom of 9x13 pan.

Whisk together pumpkin butter, 2 eggs and milk. Pour over cake mixture in pan. Using pastry blender or fork, Combine cake mix, flour, cold butter, sugar and cinnamon. Crumble over top of cake. Bake 35-40 min or until golden.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Thank you mama for making me gold pants, and thank you tiny baby weekend loving jesus for Friday. Amen.

I have to thank Mrs. B, my former coworker and proprietress of this blog, for introducing me to this little clip of glory. I especially like to revisit it on Fridays. Relax, enjoy:

 It's so bizarre, I can't even stand it. I love it.

Thank you mama for making me gold pants,
ones I can dance in, and make romance in.

Seriously? Awesome. If you see a pair of these while you're out and about, do be a dear and pick some up for me:

Here's something else that is disturbingly dogs in purple bat costumes:

Happy Friday, friends.

Waiting on the 5 p.m. whistle,


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Suck it, colds.

My plan of attack against the common cold:

Four times a day, I add this to my water. When I am not sick, I add it once a day:

Observe ritual for four days and supplement with plenty of liquids for hydration and as much sleep as possible. It usually keeps you upright enough to be able to go to work and function in daily life.  But if I need a kick in the pants, I add


Glug glug glug bye bye cold.

In other news, today is my aunt Lori's birthday. She is one of my people, a part of my tribe, a relative who is also a very close friend - she is funny, caring, extremely generous, much beloved by animals (my dogs always cock their heads to the side when I say "Treat Lady"), hosts the best Thanksgivings, is a maker of beautiful quilts, and has always been a safe haven of love and support for me from the time I was born. Only 8 years older than me, she is in my earliest memories and will be by my side through all of my later ones. We plan to be old ladies who cruise. Happy birthday Lori!

Hacking up a lung,

p.s. Gap is having a monster sale, 30 or 40% off online until 10/22. Get on it.

Monday, October 17, 2011

All Aboard the 4 Day Work Week Bandwagon

This weekend, I ran around like a loon and busted my ass Friday night and Saturday day in order to get MOST of my crap done and have some time to play on Saturday night and a few hours to sit on my ass doing absolutely nothing on Sunday. I so rarely have one hour to do absolutely nothing, so it was glorious.

This weekend's errands and hausfrauing included picking my car up from the bodyshop; getting half of my halloween costume at the Halloween store and Michael's; attempting to purchase shoes in DSW (unable to commit. Balls.);  food shopping at Redner's; putting groceries away; making breakfast for dinner on Friday; changing sheets in our room and the spare room; purging and organizing MFD's office; purging and organizing my travel items, purses and bags; organizing the shed out back; dusting top floor, living room, dining room, basement; vacuuming top floor; changing photos out in frames; cleaning the kitchen; cleaning the powder room and bathroom; doing six loads of laundry; walking the dogs twice; clipping coupons; making dinner and soup for lunches on Sunday.

If the average person has this many things to do every weekend, plus working if they work on weekends, and making it to their kids' activities if they have kids, or their own activities if they're involved in sports or a band or whatever, when the fuck do we get to relax?

And I didn't even list what MFD had to do, or get to do everything on my list, because I discovered the Investigation Discovery Channel, and it sucked hours from my life on Sunday. So this week I will freeze since I didn't get to switch my summer and winter clothes out. Thanks a lot ID.

When will America realize that working more hours does not equal working harder or more effectively or efficiently? If we don't feed the side of us that needs time with our families or time to be alone and center ourselves, we are simply depleting our resources. I don't think you can do all of your chores, errands, activities AND have time to just relax and enjoy in two days. That's not really a work/life balance. I vote for a vacation system that is standard in much of Europe. I vote for the four day work week.

I vote that I get off of my soapbox. And before anyone says "uh, duh," yes I know I am not the first person to ever advocate for the four day work week. I just want to add my voice to the crowd's. Other weekend highlights:

Finally getting MFD's office organized.

Seeing a man at Parx Casino with hair like Patrick Swayze's in Roadhouse.

And now back to the grind. But at least I have dinner at one of my favorite places, Las Margaritas, with some of my favorite people to look forward to tonight. And I bought my first three Christmas gifts today. And I ordered our Christmas cards today. And pin a rose on my nose.



Friday, October 14, 2011

Friday Tips: Phone Interviews

Dear faithful blog followers, all five of you:

When conducting a phone interview for a new job opportunity, please make sure to do it somewhere other than a shared bathroom on the floor you currently work on. Aside from having your coworkers possibly walk in on you interviewing for a new job, the shared bathroom poses other dangers to people like you.

If you refrain from interviewing for a new job in the bathroom, you don't have to whisper yell to a person you don't know (me), asking them not to flush the toilet. You also don't have to frantically clear your throat when that person (me again) does not heed your plea and flushes the toilet anyway in order to observe shared bathroom etiquette and be the opposite of an unsanitary dirtball. Your manufactured throat noises will not cover the roar and echo of a flushing industrial toilet.
Helpfully yours,


p.s. What the hell is wrong with people? Really.
p.p.s. **Oh happy day, 2:30 p.m. edit: I just spoke to a coworker who stopped off to use the lav before leaving the building for a meeting. She was also in on the interview. We shared a WTF discussion.

Monday, October 10, 2011

I'd Like to Buy the World a Home...

and furnish it with love. Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow white turtle doves. Take it away 70s commercial people!

Also considered as musical accompaniment:  My Favorite Things by those damn Von Trapp children and their nanny. Except my name is not Laura or Kim and I am not enamored of The Sound of Music. But I digress.

Here are some of my favorite things, that I wish everyone had or had experience with...except for the selfish assholes who only think of themselves and don't care about others, or people that harm people or animals on purpose. For those people, I envision a raging army of fire ants perpetually attacking their private parts. Anyway these are a few of my favorite things:

Intimate Knowledge of this Movie (whoever stole my copy from my house, may your ass burn with the fire of 1 million suns for eternity)

Totes Clear Umbrella

Pureology Shampoo and Conditioner

Cindy Crawford Washable Slip Cover Sofas (especially if you have smelly snorting dogs who are always on the couch)

Yoga Pants

Brother's Pizza

Ceramic Christmas Trees

A Tiny Baby Jesus Candle Purchased at ShopRite

Experience Working For a Cause Like This

Parties where the Preferred Attire is a Wedding Gown

Professional Photography of your Dog(s)

Friends Like These

More favorite things to come, I'm sure. Until then, happy Monday. If you have off for this banker's holiday, I am jealous and bitter. Enjoy yourselves, and also: kiss my grits. I am getting a free lunch though, and chances are you are not.

Working on Columbus Day,


p.s. Good season Phils!
p.p.s. While I do wish I wasn't working, I don't think Christopher Columbus is a good reason to have the day off.

Friday, October 7, 2011

When the going gets tough, the tough get going in their pants.

If you  haven't seen Moving Violations in its entirety, I'm sorry. It's a total piss and basically unavailable for purchase anywhere. One of my favorite movies of all time, and an obsession I've passed along to my brother Stephen.

Have a fantastic weekend,


Thursday, October 6, 2011

I Don't Get It - Volume I

Everyone has their things that they just don't understand. Here's Volume I of mine. Relax, enjoy!

1. People who jump into an almost closed elevator when other elevators will be available within seconds. The odds that whatever you're doing at wherever you're going involve you saving the world with seconds to spare are quite low. This is real life, not the movie Iron Man. Wait for the next elevator.

2. Non-voters. So, you don't care enough to go to the polls but think you should still have the right to bitch about the way things are, or that things will never change? It doesn't work that way. If you don't vote, I don't want to hear anything from you. Politicians are all the same, shit won't change, blah blah blah. Keep it to yourself. Of course it won't change when you're sitting in your house picking your nose on Election Day. Do you know how many people on this earth would kill to be able to vote on anything?

3. Confederate flags and nazi flags. In this day and age, really? You might as well wear a sign on your forehead that says "I'm ignorant. Uh duh."

4. Rat tails. I don't get them, but I absolutely love them. They make me wonder at the world and want to embrace those that think these hairdos are a good idea.  My brother Stephen wore one for a while. I was horrified yet secretly thrilled. His did not get to this length, but God how glorious would that have been?

5. Dirty houses. We all get lazy sometimes. Things pile up, overtime is required at work, sickness overtakes our homes. Cluttered and messy are different than dirty. I cannot comprehend why you'd pay a mortgage and then just let your house drown in dirt, dust and scum. I see "I'm too busy living to clean" quotes, and I call bullshit. Everyone is busy. I'll let you in on a secret: when you don't let it get bad, cleaning doesn't take long. If you have a doubt as to what funk and grotesqueness is living in your crumbs, dust, toilet rings, whathaveyou, please rush immediately to your computer and watch episodes of How Clean is Your House? These ladies mean business, and they are in the business of people not being pigs.

6. People who have to rush up and stand at the door before their stop on the train. Listen up, we're all getting off. If we file off seat by seat it'll be much more orderly and disembarkation will be quicker and we'll ALL get home faster. Nobody likes a butter!

7. When my hair feels dirty after I just washed it.

8. Why MFD rinses his dishes and places them nicely into the sink. Which is, coincidentally, right next to the dishwasher. The man uses a lot of dishes. One day, I lifted them out of the sink, put them on a tray, and put them outside on the stoop. He came in a few hours later laughing and said "I have to admit, that was good." Damn good, thank you.

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,


p.s. Dear Phillies: you will not be any better as a team than you are right now. Do this.
p.s.s. I woke up today and really thought it was Friday. That was a low blow.
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