Marveling over the ice floes on the Delaware Tuesday - my brain is at war with my body, one knows that climate change is fucking scary and the other still loves the warmer temps - after a funeral for a truly kick ass lady that I admired and was happy to know through one of my best friends and her family.
Struggling to understand this fucking mess that we saw walking the dogs the other night. Men of fighting age? Are we starting a street war? What the fuck is happening? Also, opium.
Trying to figure out why the F Bender is eating my shoes. He chewed a toms tag right off the other morning before I woke up and realized what was happening.
Photographing dogs sleeping on pillows. Because of course I am.
Realizing there are a lot more lunatics out there who readily believe pro-choice is pro-infanticide than I thought there were. There are facts around late termination of pregnancy, do they know that? Bless their hearts. Also, don't come for me on this. I will cut you completely out of my atmosphere for all of eternity without so much as blinking. It is hard enough on women to make an awful fucking medically necessary decision like that, no one needs your misinformed self out there spouting judgement and bullshit, showing your ass. I will protect the right of people to be free from that in this comment section at least. Some of you all don’t know anyone who has been devastated by this and it shows. Be a fucking human.
There’s no place on earth like New York City. It’s a little bit of everything, really - iconic, fun, exciting, thoughtful, busy, and, to the people who live and work there, just home. Living a quick train ride away, my first time there was a long time ago, but for a lot of people in all the excitement, it can be easy to get a little lost and confused during the first couple of days of your first trip. It’s big and there’s so much to do. If you’re planning a trip, here are some essentials:
Just Walk
One of the best things to do in New York doesn’t cost a cent, and also shows you much that you need to know about the city. It’s called: walking! The area below Central Park in Manhattan is a walker’s paradise. Neighborhoods flow into one another, especially in the southern part of the borough. This is what I spend most of my time doing when I visit. From Chinatown to Wall Street, onto Greenwich Village, and beyond. For a more educational experience or if you don't feel comfortable walking where you don't know, check out a walking tour.
The Big Hitters
There are some attractions that make nearly every To Do in NY list, and if you've read here a while you know I consider myself a touron and I always hit the tourist spots. To get a good view of the city, heading up to the Top of the Rock is my pick over going up to the top of the Empire State Building because you can get a view of the Empire State from the top of Rockefeller Center. The Statue of Liberty, Brooklyn Bridge (which I only did for the first time last year after going so many times), and the city’s most important museums (MoMA, Met, Guggenheim, Whitney, New, 9/11 Museum,Cloisters, so many smaller ones too) are also top first visit attractions.
New York Life
It’s not just iconic and historic buildings that define New York. Millions of people choose to live there, and part of the reason for that is there are more cultural events going on than you can even begin to imagine or name. And not just any old events: some of the best entertainment in the world can be found in New York. Check out the Broadway shows, concerts, and theater performances going on during your trip, and see a show if possible. The quality of the production and vibrancy of the atmosphere is amazing.
Central Park Afternoons
New York can be a pretty full-on place. You can spend all your time in the city on the move, running from one attraction to the next, but you might love it more if you make time to relax. To me, one of the most relaxing activities in New York is also a must-do: grabbing a coffee and strolling through Central Park, enjoying life and hopefully the sunshine...even though one of my favorite Central Park strolls was rainy and foggy and I loved it just the same.
I'm not even getting into all the eating I like to do there and all the carousing I've done there in my 20s and 30s. What are some of your New York must dos?
When it hit the shelves a few years back, I didn't read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. I thought I already purge my belongings regularly, I don't need to try another way. I still haven't read it and don't plan to, but I got the gist of it and confidently said NO THANKS for a few years. I was wrong.
Some behaviors that were holding me back:
1. By going through either one season of clothing or one spot (closet, dresser, etc) at a time and storing things in different rooms, I was never getting the full picture of what I had. I was forgetting about stuff and buying things I didn't need.
2. By not going into purging with the mindset of only keeping what I truly loved or items that were utilitarian, I was never paring down. There were too many things I'd put on and take off immediately for one reason or another but still keep. So I'd keep buying things I shouldn't buy to plug wardrobe holes I actually didn't have.
3. I was still buying freely. It doesn't matter how much you get rid of if you don't stop the flow of items into your life. And if you don't think about what's coming in and what you're consuming and the rate at which you're consuming, you're definitely not thinking about textile waste and where these clothes that are often fast fashion that don't last more than a year in your life are ending up.We shouldn't be buying things just to buy them and we shouldn't be getting rid of things just to get rid of them. The second is taken care of if we can manage the first.
4. I thumbed my nose at the Konmari folding method.
Those things, combined with not being as diligent about managing my belongings since we bought the shore house in 2015, had me bowing under the weight of things. It isn't as easy for me to manage two households as I thought it would be and each year I am less interested in managing life here since I'd rather live at the shore. Not coincidentally, one of the things I like best about my time at the shore is living with less - I have no hanging room there and can keep limited clothing, my living space in season at least is extremely small...yet I'm happier there. With less. Living smaller. Spending my time living instead of managing stuff. At home I was wearing clothes, doing laundry, and then wearing those same clothes again. If I sort of liked something, I bought it without thinking about if I loved it or would use it. What I owned grew more in the last three years than it ever has in my adult life. I would do a bit of purging here and there, but I was not digging into it like I used to.
Last year with managing rentals solo while a campaign raged here at home then transitioning right into working on that campaign after the shore season was over and going full speed until November was the tipping point. I was mentally and emotionally drained from the entire year. I was also physically tired, but more than that I felt physically weighted down by stuff. Stuff stuff stuff. I was sick of stuff. That made me sick too. Such a privilege to be sick of stuff, a privilege to have too many things when so many people have nothing.
I started thinking about what I wanted out of this year, and on the last day of 2018 I shared it here: What's the plan for 2019? Be happy, be solvent, consume less resources and things, work for a better world, and mind my energy. If I had to boil it down to a phrase it might be consume less, be more. That all still stands, except I've added live smaller and own less, which are related but more articulated.
I knew I had to get rid of things to remove that weighted down feeling, but that getting rid of stuff without changing my mindset of mindless buying would only ensure that I ended up with too much again a few months down the road and that I continued to contribute to clothing waste that is a huge problem in the world right now. That's not what this is about. That would be grossly wasteful and flippant and not in line at all with my plan for living small and consuming less.
Saturday I took every single piece of clothing I own and put it out in the spare bedroom. Holy shit. I was horrified at the amount of stuff, embarrassed to have so much I don't use or need when so many people have so little, trying not to think about the money I've wasted on shit that was sort of okay, sick over all of it, and eager to make it go away.
Eight hours later I had half set aside to donate or sell. Of that half, there's not one piece I wavered on. I could probably stand to let go of some more, and I'll be using a system to see what gets worn and what doesn't. For the first time in the almost 10 years we've been in this house, all of my hanging clothes are in one closet and all of my folded clothes of all seasons are in one room, all visible at the same time. Nothing stored in the spare room. I can see everything and there's not so much of it that I don't know what I have and don't have. I agree with Marie...that does feel life changing. I have drawers that are empty and the four fabric bins that used to have clothes in them are no longer necessary. I was wrong about the folding too - I can do the folds, and it works even when they're not perfect.
I kept saying why the fuck did I keep this? The answer was clear quickly. I love color and pattern, and I was buying things because I loved the color but never wore them because the fit or material was just okay. It's like I was scared I'd never find another item in that color I loved so much so I bought an item that I didn't love overall and let it sit in my closet. When I would purge, I'd be like oh but it's the only thing I have of that color so I'll keep it until I find something else. Meanwhile I was never wearing that - no reason to keep it. It's nuts. It's a mindset that I'm now aware of and will be mindful of in the future.
I didn't take true before and afters, but here's my donate or thred up and sell piles (they're propped up by baskets so not as big as they look but they are big).
The closet full of dresses I've been holding onto forever and the dresses I kept.
This amount of stuff feels more manageable. I am secure in my mindset to own less, think before buying, and buy clothes from companies who pay a living wage to their workers and are investing in sustainable fashion. Will I be perfect in that quest? No. But I'm sure as hell going to try. And I'm never letting my clothing get so out of control again.
Friday was my work from home day this week. At lunch I hit the library and post office. My canine coworkers weren't working very hard all day and that was frustrating. We went to Mom & Rich's for dinner Friday night and I came home with a bag of cookies that I ate like a rabid raccoon all weekend. Also: nails are Essie Merino Cool, Bruce gets his feelings hurt so easily, and Bender finally sleeps with me.
Saturday Aside from changing the sheets and starting a new book, I spent all of Saturday dealing with the tremendous amount of clothes I have. Like, a full eight hour workday, at the end of which I felt incredibly satisfied. The only things I didn't touch were underwear and scarves. I was so tired I just couldn't do it. More on this whole thing tomorrow.
Sunday was early weekly food prep followed by a Marshalls run in which I bought only what I went there to buy. This week I ran out of sheet masks, exfoliator, and serum. Sheet masks - I felt terrible about the single use/overly packaged nature of those so I got three apply masks and saved $8. I also saved $8 on an exfoliator and saved $16 on serum. I can go back to my Kleem next time. When I got back from there I took Bruce and Bender for a walk sans coat and it was glorious.
I finished going through my scarves and underwear and reorganized my bedroom shelves before calling it a day and settling down with MFD to watch the Hulu version of Frye fright and True Detective episode five. Reading, tea, and snacks rounded out the night.
Weekly food prep: Breakfast is scrambled eggs, lunch is tuna over a bed of spinach topped with tomatoes, and Sunday dinner was buffalo chicken dip, pigs in a blanket, and veggies & dip. No cares for the Super Bowl, much love for dips, always. Dinners this week are chili from the freezer and baked chicken with green beans. Plenty of veggies cut up (including carrot quarters for the dogs), and this week's fruit theme is yellow and what was on sale.
Feminism isn't just for young women or middle-aged women. It's for all women, young and old, and good to keep in mind when caring for an elderly female, especially if they need physical and psychological assistance. It can be tough to provide care while still supporting her right to make her own choices and her ability to be as independent as possible while ensuring she has the appropriate level of care and things still work on a practical basis. Of course, just because something is hard doesn't mean that it isn't worth doing. Let's talk Dos and Don'ts on how to respect autonomy while providing care.
Many people think of older women as frail, vulnerable, and delicate. Of course, they can be those things, as can anyone, but this certainly isn't always the case. In fact, is it more of a stereotype that comes from patriarchy and ageist bias, and it can mean we often underestimate both what older female relatives can do, and their ability to understand their situation and make decisions for themselves. You know what we do around here with stereotypes that come from patriarchy: smash smash smash.
The problem with underestimating their ability to understand their situation and make decisions for themselves is that it can lead to taking their independence and autonomy away, aspects of life that are not only valuable but crucial to their sense of self as well.
The problem arises from wanting to provide an adequate level of care and safety for them. However, when this undermines who they are as a person and makes them an outsider in their own lives, it's gone too far.
By not giving older female relatives the chance to live an independent life and make choices for themselves we devalue woman everywhere instead of facilitating a meaningful experience for them in their twilight years. It's crucial that we really see the situation of the individual involved and not let ourselves be swayed by the stereotypes that society has imposed on us and them.
Do make decisions with them, not for them.
While it may be tempting to think of an aging female relative as unable to look after themselves, we also need to remember that they are a wise being that has survived through an entire lifetime of experience. What that means is even if their current circumstances have to change, its crucial that they be involved in this decision, and their voice heard.
Stripping them of this right and making decisions for them (unless they are genuinely unable to do this for themselves) isn't just an insult. It's also a form of aggression. Their advanced age should not mean that their autonomy is compromised, and it only takes a drop of empathy to consider what we would want if we were in the same situation as we all will be one day.
Don't forget that they may need some practical assistance in doing everyday things.
An aging elderly relative will need help and assistance with everyday tasks that they once found easy. I know from helping my Grandmom, a very independent woman, in her last year of life that it is not easy for them to ask for and accept help. The assistance must be provided in a way that boosts independence rather than compromises it.
How to walk that fine line? Giving them a lift to the senior center so they can get out and see their friends on a regular basis instead of insisting they no longer go because they can't make the walk.
In home, if/when tasks such as cooking or cleaning become problematic, you have to discuss this with them and come up with a solution together instead of just rushing in and taking over. This could be a moderated cleaning and cooking schedule that is easier for them to carry out, investing in a microwave so they can buy ready-made meals, spending a quick half hour after a visit taking care of this stuff, or bringing in outside help.
It's really not about the solution, but how you go about instituting it that matters. Enforcing your solution to their problem is certainly not going to be supporting their right to be as independent as possible.
Do discuss other living options with them if living alone is becoming difficult.
A tough situation that can occur when caring for an elderly relative is when living alone becomes less viable for them for reasons including frequent falls, the need for advanced medical care, or that managing their property is no longer possible.
Sadly, this can be one of the most challenging situations for the older person, because their home is usually a real symbol of the independence and autonomy they have, and to lose this is upsetting.
Discussing other living arrangements with them is the way to deal with this while maintaining respect for their independence. It is crucial to really listen to what the older woman is saying concerning what they want and if at all possible allow them to make the ultimate decision.
It's also important to highlight all of the suitable options including assisted and senior living centers that promote a more independent style of life. In fact, such a choice is often a win-win solution as they have also staff on hand in case they do need a little extra help, or experience an emergency. My Grandmom moved into senior living and it was great that she could walk everywhere and have meals with friends and play cards and even volunteer right on site. I know she felt better not managing her property and my family felt better knowing she was secure and happy there.
Don't withhold relevant medical information from them.
Medical problems are an accepted and expected part of getting older, however, as people that are caring for elderly female relatives, we can often withhold information about their medical status from them because we think it is too upsetting.
Of course, this always needs to be considered on an individual basis, but I would argue that no matter what your age, if you knew you only had a certain amount of time on this Earth, left you would want to know. Not just because it would allow you to make your plans, wrap things up and say goodbye to the ones you love, but also because you are a human being that deserves to know what is happening with your own body and life.
It is extremely important to discuss with people how they would like to be cared for in the end stages of their lives. If an illness is involved, it can be an incredibly awkward conversation depending on the diagnosis and the players, but it must be done and all options laid out on the table. If you don't discuss it, you're not doing anyone a kindness, you're just stripping away another layer of their independence.
Do recognize their wishes when it comes to bathroom functions and intimate care.
One of the most challenging things about getting older can be when you lose the ability to take care of yourself regarding bathroom functions and bathing. These are extremely private activities that no one (bar illness and disability) has had to do for us since we were babies.
Older female relative can really struggle with having to get someone else to do these things for them. For some, it can be hard to have a stranger provide this type of care, but for others, it can be even worse when it is someone they know, love, and have a relationship of mutual respect with.
That's why it's vital to know what they believe is the best way of going about it. It may be easier and cheaper for you give them a bath each day, but if they would prefer to give themselves a bedbath, and have someone come in to provide them with a more thorough clean on a regular basis, then it's crucial that you listen to and act on this if you want to respect their dignity and independence.
Don’t forget to acknowledge and appreciate the influence they have had in your life.
You may have been lucky enough to have had a right on, radical bra-burning feminist grandmother, mother, sister, or aunt in your life, or your older female relative may have had a more subtle way of being their own person and fighting the patriarchy. However, no matter what their views on the place of women, it's vital that you acknowledge and appreciate the impact they have had in your life.
It is quintessentially feministto value women as they age instead of writing them off as no longer relevant. It's also crucial from a feminist perspective that we do all we can to love each other as women and build each other up. Something that needs to extend through the generations as well as just across, and even in different types of social groupings.
You love this woman that is getting older, and whose health may not be what it once was. On a basic human level, showing that love by respecting her autonomy and independence is one of the most important things you can do, for her and for you and to honor the relationship you have.
That concludes our feminist Friday writing over here. Have a great weekend!
Photographing dogs sleeping on pillows. Because of course I am.
Realizing there are a lot more lunatics out there who readily believe pro-choice is pro-infanticide than I thought there were. There are facts around late termination of pregnancy, do they know that? Bless their hearts. Also, don't come for me on this. I will cut you completely out of my atmosphere for all of eternity without so much as blinking. It is hard enough on women to make an awful fucking medically necessary decision like that, no one needs your misinformed self out there spouting judgement and bullshit, showing your ass. I will protect the right of people to be free from that in this comment section at least. Some of you all don’t know anyone who has been devastated by this and it shows. Be a fucking human.
