Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Three Car Thoughts that could be longer blog posts but won't be

I'm in the car alone a lot, back and forth the shore, including an unplanned Tuesday night trip to get heat on in our apartment as the temperature dipped below 32 degrees. If I could talk into a microphone and have that record right here, I would be blogging daily again for sure but there's the actual remembering of what I thought about and where I'd planned to go with it, and then the transitioning of those thoughts into the written word and the fleshing out of what's sometimes only a sentence. It's a busy season here and my writing muscles feel rusty. Regardless here are a few from last night's ride through the dark in Jersey that won't make it to full blown posts of their own so they have to settle for a car thought roundup written in 15 minutes while I scarf down lunch.

Yesterday MFD celebrated six years of sobriety. Milestones make me think a lot about life was like before, and how it's been after. At times both before and after and at other times in life unrelated to his journey, I've felt overexposed. There's something about going through a rough spot(s) in a semi-public way and coming out blazing that really removes one's capacity to care about what other people think. Forever. People who have known me since birth will tell you I was never deep into what other people thought of me, but the few times in my life dancing through spots where people have known business you didn't want them to know and have opinions they want to share with you or behind your back but to the rest of the world really make what would be a good enough potato side dish into a twice baked potato of delicious not giving a fuckness. While I wouldn't wish unwanted exposure on anyone, I do hope people know absolutely nothing in this life comes without a silver lining. I like to see people realize that they are beholden to no one's opinion. It's pretty rad. I saw that reiterated on Chelsea's IG post today and did a little cheer. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel up against a wall, look for the ways that it will build you into who you want to be. Take or make good from bad things. Always. I personally don't grow on mountaintops, I grow in trenches. You're probably the same.

I'm sort of an asshole. If I am shopping in person I prepare myself. People who aren't assholes probably don't need to prepare themselves to interact with other people like co-existing humans. Monday found me at two stores picking up items I'd ordered that got shipped to store because they didn't ship to home, which I don't understand but anyway...It was a long day that started out with a bullshit commute and deadlines and shit and I was not prepared to be out peopleing. At all. As I was standing at the Target pickup counter listening to the woman tell me how people can't see the big red Pickup Here pole in the parking lot, I used my energy to put what I hope was a benign, patient facial expression on my face. Hoping for a friendly face is too much because my face does not look friendly at any time. That was followed by candle talk with the woman behind me in the line at Michaels. Yes, I love the smell of holly. Yes, they are only $2.50...but I don't need any and it's not you, lady, it's me. I don't want to chat I just want to get the F out of here.

Monday and Tuesday were not my days this week. Monday morning I crammed myself into the middle seat in the back of an uber to get to work Monday with three ladies I don't know. Tuesday morning I got off the park & ride shuttle, drove back home, dodged trash trucks cocking up the roads, retrieved my phone from my bedroom, and did it all over again. In the rain, without an umbrella. Today I slept in until 7:30, was up working right away, made headway on multiple things this morning, and shit has turned a corner. I've been sitting in an overwhelmed spot for longer than I can comfortably sustain and it's taken a toll. I'm planning to slow it way down this weekend and get right with myself.

We're halfway through the day that's halfway through the week. See you here tomorrow for Thursday Thoughts as always. I'm sure I can scrounge some up.

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