Thursday, October 6, 2011

I Don't Get It - Volume I

Everyone has their things that they just don't understand. Here's Volume I of mine. Relax, enjoy!

1. People who jump into an almost closed elevator when other elevators will be available within seconds. The odds that whatever you're doing at wherever you're going involve you saving the world with seconds to spare are quite low. This is real life, not the movie Iron Man. Wait for the next elevator.


2. Non-voters. So, you don't care enough to go to the polls but think you should still have the right to bitch about the way things are, or that things will never change? It doesn't work that way. If you don't vote, I don't want to hear anything from you. Politicians are all the same, shit won't change, blah blah blah. Keep it to yourself. Of course it won't change when you're sitting in your house picking your nose on Election Day. Do you know how many people on this earth would kill to be able to vote on anything?

3. Confederate flags and nazi flags. In this day and age, really? You might as well wear a sign on your forehead that says "I'm ignorant. Uh duh."

4. Rat tails. I don't get them, but I absolutely love them. They make me wonder at the world and want to embrace those that think these hairdos are a good idea. They make me laugh. They test my secret photography skills as I try to capture their rare morbid beauty without their owners knowing. My brother Stephen wore one for a while. I was horrified yet secretly thrilled. His did not get to this length, but God how glorious would that have been?


5. Dirty houses. We all get lazy sometimes. Things pile up, overtime is required at work, sickness overtakes our homes. Cluttered and messy are different than dirty. I cannot comprehend why you'd pay a mortgage and then just let your house drown in dirt, dust and scum. I see "I'm too busy living to clean" quotes, and I call bullshit. Everyone is busy. I'll let you in on a secret: when you don't let it get bad, cleaning doesn't take long. If you have a doubt as to what funk and grotesqueness is living in your crumbs, dust, toilet rings, whathaveyou, please rush immediately to your computer and watch episodes of How Clean is Your House? These ladies mean business, and they are in the business of people not being pigs.


6. People who have to rush up and stand at the door before their stop on the train. Listen up assholes, we're all getting off. If we file off seat by seat it'll be much more orderly and disembarkation will be quicker and we'll ALL get home faster. And I won't have to elbow you in the nads, inadvertantly trip you, or unhook your bag from itself when you're standing next to me with your ass or privates in my face. Yes, I do those things. No, I don't care that they are immature and assy. So is rushing to the front and butting in line. Nobody likes a butter!

7. White people with dreadlocks. Dreadlocks actually have meaning and symbolism attached to them, and none of it pertains to white people. Besides that, it's really hard to get white hair to dread, and it's gross. I'm being honest. And yes, judgemental.

8. Why MFD rinses his dishes and places them nicely into the sink. Which is, coincidentally, right next to the dishwasher. The man uses a lot of dishes. One day, I lifted them out of the sink, put them on a tray, and put them outside on the stoop. He came in a few hours later laughing and said "I have to admit, that was good." Damn good, thank you.

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,

SMD

p.s. Dear Phillies: you will not be any better as a team than you are right now. Do this.
p.s.s. I woke up today and really thought it was Friday. That was a low blow.

2 comments:

  1. I love it. I'm also contemplating a pet-peeve blog post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is my most favorite post yet! THANK YOU. I agree with you on all of the above. ALL OF IT. CAnnot wait for Volume II of things you don't get!

    ReplyDelete

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