Thursday Thoughts - I';ve seen that road before it always leads me here

1. Happiness is a new doormat. 

2. Monday I went down to the Convention Center for my second dose of the Pfizer vaccine. I did a bunch of updates on my Instagram stories, but to recap here - I am happy to answer any questions with these caveats a) You are not anti-vaxx b) you are not a person who asks other people why they qualify when they qualify as if you are entitled to know things you actually aren't entitled to know (also do you people who do that realize how ableist that is, as if something is only wrong that you can see or know about? That is not my case but it is for people I see get asked publicly like they are required to answer personal questions posed on Facebook when all they are doing is letting you know they acted in the interest of public health and are in the vaccine process) c) you don't ask me science shit that is over my head. I don't fuck with A & B types of people and I am just going to direct C to google. 

3. I hoped for the best and prepared for the worst. I'm lucky in that my job is flexible and this week in particular only had one deadline and was light due to spring break, so I scheduled all my administrative tasks for Monday & Tuesday. I also made sure I was hydrated and had Gatorade and Pringles. I think it is so interesting how differently we all react, and I will share my reactions with you in case you also think that is interesting. My reactions: immediate soreness in arm (different from first shot). slept 11 hours the first night. Woke up fine, showered, worked, picked up candy from my stepmom during lunch, came home, and about 30 hours in went down like the fucking Titanic. I was in a delusional, chilled, feverish state (highest was 101.4, I am steadily 97.5) punctuated by Wonton soup and season three of Beverly Hills 90210 (specifically Kelly and the diet pills and Iris and the crystals and Steve and Celeste). Wednesday morning I woke up tired in that way that you're tired when you've spent too much time sitting or laying and not enough time moving, and continued to feel fine throughout the day. Wednesday night i had a low grade 99.7 fever again. All worth it to do my part to uphold public health and selfishly to have girls weekend with my friends who I miss so much. I want some pieces of life back, and I am going to do my part to get them back. 

4. I stayed in Philly so I could have someone wait on me and let the dogs out. Like this guy.

5. Speaking of dogs, here is your weekly dose. 

6. Shot girl things took over most of the week, we did manage to get a larger pickup (Vietnam Vets are picking up if you are looking to get rid of stuff) out - MFD even contributed a bag. 

7. I also ordered flowers from my friend Jen's girls' dance fundraiser, looked up movers for work-related trade show items (learn more), did related research to learn more about nursing services in relation to those items, got a zillion loads of laundry done, got curtains for the front room, smiled at the article titles on this website, used the crockpot (that is a super rare thing here), read almost none of my book, kept a scant eye on Derek Chauvin's trial (Police Officer Derek Chauvin is on trial for murdering George Floyd - George Floyd, who was murdered by Derek Chauvin in full view of God and everyone as we were all home on lockdown watching, is not on trial, and literally nothing George Floyd did or did not do in his life is a reason to murder him in the street or justification for his murder, so stop), tried and failed to clean up my email, watched a ton of 90210, and ate a lot of homemade candy from Carol.

8. I passed the gate in Philly as I was walking to my appointment, which I love. I'm holding space for the Asian community in the wake of violence against Asian people, especially the elderly. Speak against it everywhere and for the love step in if you see it. I miss seeing stuff like this gate. I'd love to be back in Center City one or two days a week. Ask me later about how I want to get there, because taking the train remains unappealing, and I was incensed to be sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on 95 on my way to a noon appointment on a Monday during a pandemic with no visible reason for said traffic. 

9. Reminder:

10. E-cards: You know what today is.

What appears beyond the hyphen in Thursday Thoughts titles is what I'm listening to when I'm starting this - this week is The Long and Winding Road by The Beatles

Maybe tomorrow

Most days I have intentions of sitting down to write a blog post or to dabble in my offline writing notebooks.

Then I get up early and I get lost down on the beach walking longer than I expected to, or I try to get some housework in before work.

Or I sleep in until the last possible second before planting myself in front of my computer...take a long walk at lunch and sit outside instead...put my computer away at the end of the workday, unable to look at it for another minute and desperate to get outside for some air.

Sometimes I have a minute but I'm not sure what I want to write about or the words don't come. The first time I remember that happening was when I was working on my Young Authors submission in first grade. If I was in Philly, I'd dig that baby out and put a picture right in here for you.

I  hate that feeling and I always have, because what it feels like is failing at something you know how to do. And when it happens many days in a row, it feels like losing something about yourself, losing an instinct, that you think will come back if you work hard enough even though creative blocks have very little to do with hard work.

I saw something from Glennon Doyle on Instagram Sunday: "I have not written a word during quarantine. Just a reminder to worried artists - there are times for creating and times for becoming the person who will create the next thing. For many of us, this is a becoming time. Rest and become. Love you."

I felt that deep in my bones. Every ounce of creativity I have in reserve has gone to my job, because I'm getting paid to do that. My personal creativity, I'm just watering and feeding her for now. If you are having trouble creating in your way of creating right now - there are so many of you out there who are creators in some way but don't consider yourself as such - I hope you know resting and becoming are not failures at what you know how to do. They're preparing you for what you'll create next.

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not. But definitely again.

Thursday Thoughts - Feed the flame 'cause we can't let go

1. I start most mornings outside now and I freaking love it.

2. Outside is the true quarantine MVP. 

3. Outside and dogs. 

4. I wrote this post yesterday about struggling with productivity outside of work most days and fucking killed it today from the start. If that's what it takes, I'll write a post like that every damn night. Just kidding. I know I am working in cycles right now and today's triumphant return to productivity is not the standard, it's just the lucky day.

5. Me: I hate everything cherry flavored except sour cherry dots. Also me every afternoon without even realizing it:

6. Nails: Essie One Way for One. Love the color, meh on the name. 

7. It's been a long time since I've seen gas under $2.

8. Good stuff is happening too. The sectional for our shore apartment that it took us four years to decide on and buy at the end of February that was supposed to be delivered March 20 finally got delivered this week. The shower replacement (cracked shower pan and virtually nonexistent sub-floor that MFD patched up which lasted through last season on a wing and a prayer) we put the deposit on in the beginning of January and some other plumbing work necessary in a 120 year old house got (mostly) done this week too. The sectional takes up a ton of space in the apartment so everything will be reorganized down there in the coming months and I'll do before and after pics of that space and the bathrooms but this is it for now. Also why are the pillows that come with couches always so butt ugly?

9. Reminder: There's always time for feminism. Maybe more acknowledgement and recognition of unpaid labor will come from this. Also if you disagree or want to immediately interject with "men do stuff too," bye, forever. I'm not wasting the energy with you.

10. E-cards...

It's the last day of April. Not too sorry to see this month go.


The words following the hyphen are the song I am listening to when I start the Thursday Thoughts post. This week is Circles by Post Malone

TWTW - Q6

Friday MFD called after work and asked if I wanted to pack food for recovery houses at Caring for Friends. He's been putting in a lot of hours daily in volunteer service over there and I've been meaning to get over so I said sure. It's less than five minutes from our house so I hopped right over. I should have known it would be a MFD special in which I agree to do something and it takes three times longer than I assume it will. LOL and any of you who have been on one of MFD's three hour tours, you're probably LOLing also. It was fine though, we packed food to 80s tunes for over 350 people for five hours with an extra pair of hands helping the last hour. I hobbled my ass home at about 11, drank a shit ton of water and fell asleep around 1. Anyone interested in helping, Caring For Friends needs volunteers daily to pack and get food out to people it regularly serves as well as the influx of food and need due to Covid-19, shifts are 9:30 and 1:30 I think. Friday night is recovery house packing. Drivers needed to drop off food to home-bound people. 

Saturday My 43 year old body was feeling the effects of standing on a warehouse concrete floor for five hours in totally un-supportive athleisure shoes. I was up early then back to sleep for a little. I continued old person activities with sorting my vitamins for the week. Seriously though Saturday is the best day I've had in a long time. I did a few loads of laundry, hung some out, and spent the majority of the afternoon in the sun with the dogs alone at the house. I didn't worry about a bunch of shit I can't control or argue with (too many) people on the internet or try to do too many things and  It was glorious. I even saw a cardinal, which I never ever see. MFD came home and grilled burgers. I made fries in the air fryer with almost expiring potatoes and played 80s movie trivia with the fabulous Pola Frost on facebook live. 

Sunday Gray and rainy. I kicked the day off with sour cream based lemon blueberry muffins. We had an all household member clean event in which Vincent and I worked on the top floor and MFD the basement and everyone pieces of the main floor. I read and snacked after that and rounded out the weekend with Frank's facebook live concert to raise money for Food4Staff which was great. I had my phone propped up as I was doing the dishes and felt like crying a little because it's so nice the way people have come together virtually but it doesn't replace seeing and hugging people. I was up late watching some MFD special show in which there are battles and kingdoms and shit like that. 

I meant to do this post this morning but got busy working early. Also quarantine posting schedule. How was your weekend? 

Thursday - I came in from the outside burnt out from the joy ride

1. I painted my nails rainbow with a three finger pot of gold at the end. I've got nothing but time on my hands...and scaly skin. I am the Crypt Keeper because my water intake is so down and I wash my hands so much.

2. I did finish a book I was reading (or not, I guess, since it took me eight fucking days) and am halfway through another. I was on the uptick, then my mother in law passed away, and that threw a big bookmark into things. I saw this and it felt true.

3. I've seen this initial tweet everywhere, but not the follow up comment describing the hell zone. I stole this from Ali's Instagram. This absolutely nails how I have felt this whole time. I am an even keeled person and this has been a bitch to adapt to.

4. Lots of couch time this week. I'm exhausted. The dogs haven't minded. I finished Love is Blind last night and feel stupider for it. I don't even like reality TV but I did not dislike zoning the F out to this shitshow. This is Quarantine Me talking.

5. One of these things is not like the other...S'mores cereal is something I never imagined liking and cannot get enough of. I have ordered four boxes in the past month. I like to toast bread, apply mayo or dijon mustard or both, and then sliced hard boiled egg with pink himalayan salt on top. Yesterday my Mom brought over brownie bites, mexican mac & cheese, fresh rye and chicken salad and egg salad and pickles. Thanks Mom! 

6. We also got hand delivery of this gorgeous thing from MFD's Ferko stringband family.

7. When someone is sober and someone else could take or leave a drink and usually leave it, this is what your quarantine stash looks like:

8. Idiots are gonna idiot.

9. Reminder: I parked next to this person at Target Tuesday. It set the tone for a nice experience in which I freaking scored a big mama TP and also off-brand Lysol. That's winning the lottery these days.

10. E-cards...this spring needs an enema so we get another stretch of warm, sunny days.

How are we doing out there?


The words following the hyphen are the song I am listening to when I start the Thursday Thoughts post. This week is Almost by Hozier

Things that have arrived in the mail

The brown boxes arrived regularly at my door long before corona times. If it was needed and could be delivered, it's been delivered here. I did grocery delivery before it was cool or encouraged - then went back to physical grocery shopping which is now both regrettable but also the surest, quickest way to get groceries - and have bought the 20 pack of TP for delivery and coffee for delivery and dog food for delivery etc etc on and on you get the picture for quite a few years. I don't like to waste my time in stores unless it's the small shops in any small town or the home section of Marshalls/TJMaxx. Now that I have nothing but time, I am forced to do delivery with the exception of my regular TP delivery...fucking forget it. What has arrived since mid-March (Amazon links are affiliate links), falls into one of three categories: 1) make house more comfortable/functional since we are always in it 2) food 3) try to salvage end of birthday month. These are typical buys for the most part, except by this time of year I wouldn't be sparing a thought or spending a dime on this house, all energy would be on the shore house for upkeep and improvements. And I would still be ordering my toilet paper and keeping a good stock of it instead of hunting for it in stores like a rare jewel, thankyouverymuch.

A basic wall-mounted coat rack for MFD's dressing room specifically to hold his hoodies

Six bags Dunkin' Donuts original blend medium roast (subscribe & save standard monthly delivery, three weeks late due to stock)

One big ass bag Dunkin' Donus original blend medium roast (due to lateness of above)

Outdoor solar hanging lanterns for the backyard

Colavita extra virgin olive oil two pack

Conjure Women by Afi Atakora and a few other books from Harrietts Bookshop - if you have the means to purchase books, please do it from small bookstores when you can! 

Health & Beauty items we ran out of: toothpaste, NYX Micellar water, Mario Badescu Glycolic Foaming Cleanser, Metagenics vitamins - I typically get them from my acupuncturist but I haven't been in so I had to order through her link

Dog items we ran out of: Dry food, wet food, treats (standard Chewy purchase with about 10 extra days for delivery)

Household items we ran out of: Mrs. Meyers mint hand soap, EO hand soap, Dr. Bronner's Castile soap so I can make my own soap, essential oil for wool dryer balls, Seventh Generation dish liquid

Dry food goods from Target we ran out of: Four boxes of Honey Maid S'more's Breakfast cereal, organic sugar, regular sugar, Hellman's mayo, unsweetened baker's chocolate, Olive Garden Italian Salad Dressing, Easter candy 

Books from Target to meet a $35 minimum order threshold when I was ordering dry good groceries: The Golden Hour by Beatriz Williams and The Boy From the Woods by Harlan Coben

Birthday money purchases: Pranayama Wrap from Athleta in fuschia (it was 50% off, not into paying $89 for a freaking wrap), Buxom lipstick in Dolly Dreamer, aforementioned books, Birkenstock flip flops from Dick's 

Wall-mounted basket 

Four plants from Bloombox (delivering to eight counties in PA)

Weather stripping adhesive foam strips

Clothes pins

Coming this week: an O-Cedar EasyWring Microfiber Spin Mop and Bucket Cleaning System (have you all seen @gocleanco on Instagram? child, they will have you cleaning and looking forward to it)

Has anything arrived at your house? In the norm or outside of it? I typically don't buy books as much as I have this past month+, but everything else is standard except if I'm buying hand soap instead of making it, I usually buy it from Homegoods/TJMaxx.

Thursday Thoughts - been down one time, been down two times, I'm never going back again

1.  The middle finger socks in every color Debbie sent for my birthday have come in super handy this week in quarantine.

2. I know we're not going back to normal as we knew it, but it felt so great to get a coffee from a drive thru yesterday and stand around with my BFF Michelle having socially distant coffee.

3. Driving has also helped me a lot. I just get in my car and go for a drive out of my neighborhood every day. I was at the river the other morning. I am perplexed about why people wear masks when they

4. The best thing to do with leftover ham is to put it in homemade mac & cheese. I will never think differently. I thought I had a photo of the amazing mac & cheese I made last night but your imagination will have to suffice.

5. Seeing the sun at the end of the work day means more to me than I ever thought it would.

6. PA republican house and senate members voted this week to reopen the state ahead of scientist and doctor advice because they value money over people. There is no other explanation for voting to do that when no tests are available. Guess what, we all want to get back to some semblance of a new normal. We can't without tests. Ask your federal government where the fucking tests are, all the big beautiful plentiful tests that were promised. Also where is the PPE for all the healthcare workers? Then don't open shit without either one.

7. To be crystal clear, I don't think the stimulus only sent to some people is enough by far - every other country on this planet has reacted to this crisis better than we have and cared for the physical, mental, and financial health BETTER THAN WE HAVE and we are absolutely a negligent shithole country right now thanks to the federal government and that includes democrats who I don't think fought hard enough for the people - but the stimulus check, the additional money in unemployment, the unemployment that is supposed to be coming to 1099ers...it's democratic socialism just the same. I'm sorry people did not learn things in school or have forgotten them because Fox News told them to. Also yes, people who do not consider this bungling idiot their president will cash the checks that are not from him even if he insists on putting his rotten fuckup name on them. It's not his money. I'm tired of this shit.

8. Please show me a photo of a time in this country where black people - mostly men- have assembled on the steps of a state capital against officials or government systems and laws made by the same with guns of any type but especially the big ones designed to intimidate on site - and flags that are not this country's (the confederate flag is not visible here, but it was there aplenty) - and been given space to stand for assembly. Given space to stand and not been brutalized by the government and its military and police forces. Show me. Go look for photos associated with the Ferguson protests. Tell me white men with guns are treated the same as black men without. You'd be lying to me and if you believe or spout that you've been lying to yourself.

9. Reminder:

10. E-cards...it's been bad here

How has your week been?


The words following the hyphen are the song I am listening to when I start the Thursday Thoughts post. This week is Never Going Back Again by Fleetwood Mac - check out this live version. Rumours has been in heavy rotation this week