What I hope you get from me

I haven't always been cognizant of what I'm putting out there into the world. I always knew who I was and what I believed and how I acted, but didn't always connect the dots to how those things might impact other people. I have never cared what other people thought of me or my choices so it was just normal for me not to think of what I did or didn't do in terms of others. I think of that stuff more now, specifically about what I want people to get from me. Some of the things I want people to get are about them...but some are about me, and what I don't want to be around. I try to put that out there too so people know right away if we will be on compatible journeys. 

I can't sit around and complain about something I think is wrong in this world and not look for a way that I can help, however small it might be. I'm always interested in talking to others who also will take action and who recognize that small things add up to big things. I hope you get that from me.

I will never be silent about things that matter and if you need someone to stand up for you, I'll do that.  If you just need someone to empower and encourage you to stand up for yourself, I'll do that too. I hope you get that from me. 

I'd like to pet your dog if they're interested. I hope you get that from me. 

I don't write a blog where everything is posed perfectly in photos and every sentence is a structural masterpiece. I don't overshare personal shit but I am conscious to let it be known that everything isn't always coming up roses. I am very real, and that's because I don't know how to be any other way and I don't want to be any other way. I hope you get that from me. 

I'm not interested in entertaining bullshit from jagoffs. I hope you get that from me, quickly.

I don't expect you to like me. If you do, that's cool. If you don't, that's okay too. I hope you get that from me. 

I'm always interested in discussing books or organizing or recipes or feminism or weird dog behaviors or hilarious poop stories or sunrise/time passing/space/travel/the universe/religion/where to get good coffee mugs/restaurants I should try/good deals. I hope you get that from me. 

In order to have good friends, I have to be a good friend. I hope you get that from me. 

If you're looking for someone to blow smoke up your ass or give out head pats, you might want to skip over me, but if you want someone to be honest with you, I'm around. I hope you get that from me. 

I never want people I love to doubt that I love them and would do anything for them. I hope you get that from me. 

What do you hope people get from you?

This was a prompt from Alyssa's back to blogging challenge that I couldn't fit in during, but that I liked too much to let go. Click below to see other posts.  

This post is a part of the back to blogging challenge on Alyssa's blog. 

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A year by the sea

Sunday marked the one year anniversary of buying the shore house. I woke up tired, going back and forth about going down to the beach to watch the sunrise or staying in bed. I usually go once a weekend, and Saturday was rainy...but it was so nice to lay there in the dark in an off-season silent sea town on a Sunday morning...then I remembered how I felt a year ago, and how I couldn't go to sleep because I was so excited to get up to watch the sunrise on the beach from my own house.

I got up, and I'm glad I did as always. I noticed how different the ocean looked from yesterday afternoon, and how lucky I was to see so many different faces of this ocean over the past year. I thought a lot about what this past year has meant to me. It has meant and been so many things. Euphoric highs as I cruised down the Atlantic City Expressway late at night, Bruce Springsteen blaring; hard knocks, when I learned something the hard way in a year of home improvements; the absolute joy of having a place for all of my beach stuff where I can leave it and never bring it home; a deep, deep appreciation for those who helped us out along the way with hard labor and those who understand when we aren't places we would normally be or doing things we'd normally do; minor anxiety with a dose of humility and a side of lessons in patience, kindness, and live and let live from a year dealing with renters; the security in knowing I never need to leave my dogs home; the great feeling of sharing this space with framily. It has been amazing with the highs far outweighing the lows. It has all been so, so worth any frustration or worry I've felt along the way.

It's also felt like living a double life - at a certain point in the summer, I really felt like my real life was down there, and that my life at home was the part time life even though that is definitely not the reality...yet, anyway. I still feel that way because I love the off-season much more than the summer. It's like living in the Boys of Summer song: nobody on the road, nobody on the beach. Regardless, sometimes I feel like I'm having an out of body experience, watching myself do things in my normal life but with a sense that I belong somewhere else.

If I could go back in time one year, I'd tell myself that it would be different, watching those sunrises now, but in all good ways: I have a beach cruiser to ride down now, and I bring my coffee and a mat and I have a little bag everything goes in. But that feeling of waking up at my own shore house to see it? That is the same. It does not get old. It does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

And if I could go into the future, to next year and the year after and on to infinity, it would be to give myself a nudge - to make sure I'm still grateful, that I still remember what a dream comes true feels like, even if we had weather issues that took a toll on the house or renters that drove us insane that year.

I'd also tell my past self to chill the fuck out and that everything would be fine. Hell, I'd tell my future self that too because you can never tell yourself that enough. We were fully rented for this summer by the end of January and really had a great first season. People treated our house well and they were nice. And we're already booked for four weeks for next summer before the end of October.

I went back and forth with writing this, because it's hard to convey how life changing this has been, not only on the outside with what we do and where we spend time, but on the inside with how I think in my head and feel in my heart. In the end I didn't want to let such a first anniversary go without putting words down for myself to look back on. If you enjoyed it too, that's a bonus.

VRBO listing

This post is a part of the back to blogging challenge on Alyssa's blog. 

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Life Anthems

In the five plus years I've been blogging, I have managed to successfully avoid a soundtrack of my life post. I've done summer playlists, songs I never turn off, songs I always turn off, a Christmas Playlist, but never any explanation about anything and I think a life anthem or soundtrack of my life post deserves a little explanation. To name an arbitrary number of songs that define me or have spoken to me over the past 39 years has always seemed like an impossible task. Then I started thinking well I don't need to include them all and maybe I could write a little backstory instead of a list and they don't have to be my favorites and it can be more than one post and just fucking try it. I mean the backstory is where it's at, really...because when I think of it, the songs that are my life anthems are not necessarily the ones I love the most - they're the ones that have followed me around through certain moods and memories.

This is me trying it with three to ease into things, and go along with Alyssa's blog challenge prompt.

Have You Seen Me Lately by The Counting Crows
This song has gotten me through some things. Driving around singing it as loudly as possible. It appeals to my fuck you all, I can do this by myself mood that I get into after I've been unexpectedly hurt by someone. If my blood is boiling or if I'd rather be defiant than sad, this is a good thing for me to listen to and it starts with the clanging guitar opening it up. Listen here.

Get away from me

This isn't gonna be easy 

But I don't need you

Believe me

You got a piece of me

But is't just a little piece of me

And I don't need anyone 

And these days I feel like I'm fading away

Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen
Not my favorite Bruce song by a longshot, this song has nevertheless been a constant for me for what feels like my whole life. I've shouted it out in hundreds of bars, I've sang it on roads on both coasts of this country and in foreign lands. I've sang it through all of my eras. It's never been left behind as I moved on to another age or way. The harmonica intro pulls at something in me and Clarence's solo taking it on out always gives me the chills.

Into the Mystic by Van Morrison
This song makes me feel cradled and peaceful with just a dash of wistfulness. I walked down the aisle to this at our wedding because I wanted all of those things in my heart at that time.

That's all for now, I'll be back with more in the future. 

What are three songs from your life anthem list?

This post is a part of the back to blogging challenge on Alyssa's blog. 

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What makes me feel peaceful

The piano interlude at the end of Layla

Drinking coffee alone on the beach before sunrise

Riding my bike through quiet streets at the shore

Reclining in the anti-gravity lounge chair out back, looking at the sky through my tree

Sitting on the dock at the lake

Hearing Into the Mystic

Playing solitaire

The space I'm in after a cleansing cry

Being mindful

Looking up to realize I'm one of the last people left on the beach

A nice cuppa honey lavender tea

Realization

Washing dishes

Candles burning 

Tiny Buddhas

An extra 15 minutes in bed

Hugging someone I love

Letting go

Letting myself feel things deep down into my bones

A quiet house

Piling up on the couch with my dogs, a quilt, and a book

Deep breaths

Lavender essential oil

Walks in the woods

I could use some peace after this week. 

What are some things that make you feel peaceful?

This post is a part of the back to blogging challenge on Alyssa's blog. 
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