Thursday, March 19, 2015

Road Trip Tips & Tales

MFD and I spent nearly 16 hours in the car this past weekend. Lots of things along the way made me say I think I need to do a road trip post. I'm sorry for anyone who is looking for serious, solid tips, because you won't find them here. You'll find stuff like...

Pee happens. I'm not going to avoid drinking just so I can drive eleventy hours without stopping. I don't think there's a badge of honor in that. When I have to pee, I am going to be kind to my bladder and pee.

Speaking of pee...

Attention Ladies: When using a public restroom, spread out. Do not choose a stall next to one that is occupied unless you have no other choice. I was peeing in a row of 10 empty stalls, two ladies walk in and occupy the stalls on either side of me. I was thinking what is this, a fucking raid? I have nothing. Move away.

Use public restrooms as an opportunity to prove you were not raised by wolves. Why are there toilet seats in public restrooms with pee on them, women of the world?  If you're squatting and you pee on the seat, WIPE IF OFF before the next person comes in. If you don't, you are a disgusting disgrace and your parents are surely ashamed of you unless they are fucking wolves. What, you don't feel like wiping your pee off the seat? Guess what? No one else does either, you cretin.

Keep your eyes on the road. Not on the weather map in your car. If you want to know what the weather is, just, you know, look outside.

Know what your car looks like. Don't go to the car two cars over and open the door and start to get in that one, because then you might have to do the walk of shame to your actual car, open the door, and sit there for a long time while waiting for your partner to come out of the rest stop. You might actually text your partner to move his shit along because you see the guy in the other car typing frantically on his phone, likely updating his facebook status about the fool woman who just got in his car, and you don't want him to get a clear photo of you.

I may or may not know this from experience.

You will never like your co-pilot's driving as much as you like your own. This might prompt you to tell them how to drive in a snotty voice which might encourage them to say things like, "Maybe I should have left you in Canada." Wait, is this just us?
Now you tell me a road trip funny or pet peeve.

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Linking up with Kristin and Joey for Stuff & Things











44 comments:

  1. One more suggested tip: agree who plays dj before getting in the car. Nothing is more annoying to me than being on a road trip and someone else decides that their choice of music is better/more important than my own. I am willing to compromise...but if I thought I was going to be dj and made a road trip playlist and THEN a passenger decides to disregard my playlist for their choice of music instead...well, that just doesn't fly with me.

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  2. I agree with Erin. I vote for driver as DJ. It seems fair. Want to mix it up, offer to drive. We love road trips. Snacks and water are important for me. That way, I control what I eat and it's more wallet friendly as well. Have a great day!

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  3. OMG. I love this! All true- I call myself the co-driver and hide my eyes and say mantras when we are in a situation
    that has touchy traffic. I am the dj, too. We always take snacks and Rich has to eat during long excursions. The best was Johnson's popcorn on the way home from Hartford, CT after Sean's game. We wish we had gotten the big size. Oh, and my worst nightmare- not stopping the eff for gas. JMJ traffic jams due to 2AM construction far from home and not stopping for gas. Not smart.(I do not like to use the word stupid) Gross on people's bathroom bad habits. I love road trips because you can have all the stuff you want with you! Lovely read as always!
    Love, Your Momma

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  4. Lol! I would totally do the wrong car thing. Sometimes when Ryan has driven us somewhere, he'll purposely hang back once we get to the parking lot to see if I can find his car. He always thinks it's hilarious when I start to walk to the wrong one! Restrooms... urgh.

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  5. This made me laugh out loud. I've been driving my mom's car for nearly 6 months now (don't ask)--the other day I tried to to let myself into someone's camry (I've been driving an expedition...). But in my defense I drove a camry for 14 years. I also have to pee every 20 minutes on a car ride. It's frustrating but it is what it is!

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  6. Haha! The getting in the wrong car killed me. I have done a lot of long road trips but mostly on my own. Pee breaks are sure to happen but I make sure I stick to well lighted rest stops otherwise you wind up on an episode of CSI as a warning to others. ;)

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  7. haha this whole post had me laughing! I can't believe you got in the wrong car. If I were MFD I'd mosey along even more to extend your shame lol Dave and I have done a lot of road trips and we always end up bickering over his driving and me telling him how he could do it better lol

    our first trip together was to Myrtle Beach. In the weeks leading up to the trip I kept reminding him not to speed through VA. On our way home, he got pulled over for speeding in VA (I was taking a break from speedometer watching) and I kept hollering I told you so! to the point that the cop had to tell me to shut up haha

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  8. hahahah i've done the wrong car thing more than once. many times while i was young and (stupid) drunk (and even went so far as to tell the person in the driver's seat that *HE* was in the wrong car) and a couple of times while completely sober but just being a bone head LOLOLOLOLOLOL

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  9. OMG you crack me up. I'm so with you on peeing when you need to. Sometimes I hate stopping because ughhh I just want to get where I'm going but I also pee like 20 times a day so it's a miracle I don't stop more frequently on trips. Hilarious that MFD got in the wrong car. I'm so paranoid that will happen to me, but my license plate has my college's logo on it so I usually look for that just in case.

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  10. I am a total backseat (sideseat?) driver and Gary hates it...we wouldn't last that long lol! xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

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  11. haha! Doug gives me crap all the time because I have to pee so much- but I'm not going to hold it and feel miserable! So he just has to deal with it.

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  12. I love this post - and I say add a trash bag to your car so when you have others accompanying you, you're not the one picking up after them when they conveniently forget to take their trash with them!

    Stopping by from Stuff -n- things :)

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  13. Love the accidental car issue!

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  14. oh the peeing. michael gets mad at me but I can't help it. Also, yes, do not get in the stall next to me.... so weird. At the movies I always go at least 5 away from people. Michael and I always get in little "tiffs" on road trips because he's bound to do somethign to annoy me.

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  15. Hahaha - this is a great post!

    I have not gotten in the wrong car before, but was ANGRY that my unlock button was CLEARLY broken on my keys. Only to notice, that the car next to me was magically unlocking every time I hit it... I am DUMB sometimes!

    And - I think Klay is an AWFUL driver - I always opt to drive.. .EVERYWHERE... and if he does manage to drive - I close my eyes the ENTIRE time.

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  16. This is a brilliant list! Public loos are just a disaster from start to finish. There is a certain etiquette that makes the whole experience slightly less unbearable for all concerned, but it depends on everyone following it. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who follows it. That makes me cross.

    And every serious road trip involves a fight (usually about driving standards, or directions), right?!

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  17. omg yes on the peeing. My husband always like side-eyes when I order a huge drink for long road trips.... yes, we will be stopping and it's not that big of a deal, ugh!

    And haha about the driving. I tend to do our driving because I complain too much when he does & I get carsick, but it can always be a battle.

    At the end of the day though, they are always fun.

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  18. "Use public restrooms as an opportunity to prove you were not raised by wolves" <--I'm going to start leaving sticky notes that say that in every restroom I go in.

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  19. Oh my gosh so freaking funny! I have a bladder the size of a peanut so I am (and everyone who travels with me) is very aware that pee breaks will happen. I also hate when people use the stall right next to you when there are so many to choose from. Really people? And I have totally witnessed my sister do the wrong car thing... and I let it happen because I'm mean like that. Still, the owner of that wrong car was not there to witness, that's bad luck! If anything you probably gave him a good laugh.

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  20. Oh my goodness...I absolutely love this.

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  21. I really was hoping for real tips hahaha.
    KC hates stopping to pee, I love stopping, but he's the one with the small bladder so it makes zero sense.
    I really did LOL at your 'is this a raid?'
    the only thing worse than wiping your pee off the seat is having to wipe someone elses. ew. no.
    oh my gosh you got in the wrong car? hilarious! and scary lol.

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  22. Snacks. Pack lots of snacks.

    Have an agreed upon soundtrack. As in "I will burst into flames if I have to listen to anymore Warrant." Not that Scott has ever said that to me, of course.

    Glad you guys survived. I'd probably leave him on the side of the road if we were in a car together that long.

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  23. By him, I mean Scott. Not MFD. Although I might leave him, too. I don't know him that well to make that decision right now.

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  24. YES!!!! to all the bathroom etiquette. When people go in the stall right next to you when there's 20 other stalls to choose from...@#$*(&$

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  25. I will straight up walk out of a bathroom if there is pee on the seat. I refuse to clean someone else mess...it happens at work too..I don't even understand. It's so disgusting!

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  26. Haha these are great!! I remember when we were in college, the RAs always used to put up this little note that said something like "if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie." It always made me laugh. And I am so guilty of too many pee breaks (Okay, enough pee talk for one day haha).

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  27. Ew...I hate when people leave public restrooms disgusting. Why do this? Do you treat your house bathroom like this?? Most of my car trip stories have to do with car sickness. If I'm bored and start scrolling through Instagram or my e-mail while my husband is driving, I get violently car sick. And yet I still do it. We've had to pull over plenty of times for me or my daughter to throw up. We get car sick and my husband is not a fan of flying...what a sorry bunch we are.

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  28. Haha love this! And nothing annoys me more than people occupying a bathroom stall right next to me when there are other open ones :-P

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  29. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying about the wrong car thing, I have so done this and recently!!

    Also I hate Tyson's driving and he hates mine. luckily we'll be driving separate cars home this weekend so he can stay a little longer.

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  30. YES!! It is about time someone said it!! I have wondered what is wrong with ladies for awhile now, it is so hard to do certain bathroom etiquette?? Also, flush and make sure it goes down.

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  31. This was hilarious!! The fact that you survived 16 hours in the car with your other is a true testament to either your love for each other or your insanity. I cant even deal with 3 hours before im ready to tuck and roll on the highway and my hubby wants to drive 18 hours to florida with the kids! Sign me up for the loony bin right now.

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  32. I just LOL'd at getting in the wrong car...and your frantic text to MFD to get the fucking move on so you can bounce! Hilarious!!! I have walked towards the wrong car before. I normally realize before I actually open the door to get in though. Hehe. Car trips always bring out the best in every couple, don't they?

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  33. LOLOL! I have a such a common mom car (Honda CR-V) so I'm constantly opening the door of other people's cars in parking lots of like, Target. Ha! But I always wonder why people don't lock their doors? Jacob is a better driver than I am and I also fall asleep at the drop of a hat in the car so he's almost always the driver. I agree with going pee whenever you have to. I need to hydrate! And yes, public restrooms are disgusting and women are filthy. It creeps me out, especially when I have to take my kids in with me. I feel like sanitizing everything and I'm always yelling, "Don't touch anything!" Haha!

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  34. I am dying haha. The who drives better reminds me of me & my cousin.

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  35. DUDE! What is with the people who pick the stall right next to yours?! Do you want to hold hands underneath? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!
    I hate Pete's driving. I'm constantly telling him to clean his windshield even... I mean, how can you drive if you can't SEE?!

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  36. I can barely make it from Austin to San Antonio without having to stop to pee (roughly an hour and a half), so I'm a terrible road tripper. I prefer to drive so I get to control how often we stop.

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  37. So. My husband always thinks I can't read the navigation as well as he can... so he's always like "give me the phone. let me see." This led us to backroads Louisiana on the way to New Orleans where we passed through towns that I assume were skipped over as too creepy for even The Shining. (Not that I've seen it, but that seemed like an appropriate thing to say based on my Gilmore Girls knowledge.) Or he thinks his traffic app lies... which leads us to end up in massive traffic to which I say, "I told you that was on the app. You should have went around it."

    I still don't get how women pee on the seat, but yes, wipe up your mess.

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  38. haha omg the public restrooms. So true, why don't you wipe?! But also, how even did you get pee on the seat? You haven't been peeing correctly for the last 16+ years (assuming you're driving age and above.) Get that shit fixed then.

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  39. The two public restroom ones yes! I've found that using the stall closest to the door usually fixes the people next to me issue, I think I read somewhere years ago that people don't like to use that one since it's so close to the exit so it's cleaner!

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  40. The thing about using the stall right next to me is so true. I find that happens at airports a lot too. Also Id really like to know why people dont wipe. As the saying goes "If you sprinkle while you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie"

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  41. Cory and I just did a week long road trip when we got engaged and I can absolutely relate to 99% of these things.

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  42. WHYYYY do people feel the need to go right next to you? Also, I hate when I come out of a stall and the person walking into the bathroom goes right into the stall behind me when there are a bunch of others open. I don't know why this annoys me, but it does.

    I have the most absolutely disgusting public restroom story in the history of bathroom stories and I don't even think I can bring myself to write it here.

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  43. I love big honking DD iced drink in-hand! My husband loves to drive without stopping but we've only ever gone 4 hrs at a time at most. Once I almost peed in the back of the minivan into a bottle. I say almost because I couldn't quite stoop down enough and the dogs were back there. Awkward.

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