Things I want to remember

All photos by Evan Leslie Images 

As the world starts to open back up...

I want to remember that most nights, beautifully formed, lyrical yet observant sentences slide into my head during the 10 minute ride from my house to Dog Beach, and they slip out like the air through my hand that is always out the window, fingers splayed, unable to catch either air or thought.

I want to remember how it felt to be without words, so that words, when they come often again, are revered and appreciated for being the quiet spouse of creativity that keeps the household humming.

I want to remember how MFD picked up allllll the slack during these months when living in Corona Land abruptly downshifted me into operating under a super reduced capacity with limited bandwidth. We've been together for 18 years and for various reasons I've never leaned hard on him - addiction for a long time, I have some ingrained would rather keel over than not pull my weight thing because I'm an enneagram 8 and we don't really lean - and I quietly, passively dropped my basket at one of the most inopportune times. He was also doing his (non-showing) real estate work, volunteered at a local food scarcity charity daily, ended up connecting that charity with city govt resources and ramping up a program at that charity to feed close to 1,000 people at nearly 100 recovery houses a week, and dealt with his mom dying in the middle of a global pandemic. I want to remember that he never stopped working, working his program, helping other people, and giving me room to be as I needed to be and showing such patience and care that I would definitely not show in a role reversal. 

I want to remember that he never pointed out to me how my household work productivity dropped by 2/3 of what I normally contribute and instead just asked what needs to be done and got it done. I want to remember how I started to feel that we had traded places for a while which was super weird but also cool. 

I want to remember that this gave us a better balance than we've ever had between us. 

I want to remember that my mother in law died in the middle of all of this. You truly do not understand how much closure you get from the typical funeral with family and friends followed by a luncheon where you can share stories and laughs and hugs until you don't get that. I am not a big funeral person, but MFD is. I know if I'm feeling that it's not right, he's feeling it tenfold. It just feels like it didn't happen? The 10 person funeral we had was like a vague movie sequence dream. There is a huge disconnect like something big is wrong or missing. It's hard to describe. 

I want to remember how time seemed both sped up and stopped, simultaneously.

I want to remember that I packed up all of my shit one weeknight at 10 pm, got in the car, drove to the shore, and just didn't go back. Neither did Bruce and Ben. I'm not sure when we will. MFD and the old dogs still split the week as was the plan all along.

I want to remember how all the clothes and shoes sat in dressers and closets in Philadelphia, unmissed,  while I subsisted on four drawers and an under the bed box with MFD taking my laundry home and bringing it back every week. For the 18 years we've been together I did my laundry and the household laundry (sheets, towels, blankets) along with shore house laundry and just as quickly MFD took that over along with a load of mine every week.

I want to remember how on a Sunday night in the North End while the setting sun infused everything with a glowing warmth that I said, "I want to live here," meaning the neighborhood, and MFD replied, "You do live here now, you know that, right?" meaning the shore. And amid the covid pandemic and the black lives matter uprisings that have been 400 years in the making and the vitriol and hell of the internet, I felt happy.

I want to remember how great my company was through all of this and how much care they showed their employees. 

I want to remember how I was so into cooking three meals a day for a month and a half and now only want to eat what I don't have and things that are cooked by other people. 

I want to remember how the library is the place I missed most of all.

I want to remember that books were read but that my concentration was poor and fleeting. 

I want to remember how nice it felt to spend so much time outside sitting and being because there was nowhere to go and nothing to do. 

I want to remember how I noticed a lot more searing moments of beauty outside. 

I want to remember that I worried a lot that I'd be forever changed by this and then I worried that I wouldn't be. 

I want to remember how what I used to think was normal and required is neither. 

I want to remember how I searched in vain for rubbing alcohol in every store for months and still can't find it. 

I want to remember how laying down all the requirements and routines was so fucking tiring, like an exhaustive undoing that required recovery.

I want to remember how when this started I thought I'd be able to quell the chaos that raged outside in the world with a new white board for my dining room. 

I want to remember that the only stores I missed aside from the mom and pop small businesses at the shore were TJ Maxx, Ross, and Marshalls because they are the real MVPs with deals. 

I want to remember that we just let ourselves look how we look, and how much I liked MFD's hair when it wasn't perfect. 

I want to remember how adaptable people are. 

I want to remember what lengths people will go to to help others. 

I want to remember what lengths people will go to to block others from resources they want for themselves. 

I want to remember we can all do hard things. No exceptions. 

I want to remember how quickly I went from no phone calls please and no FaceTime unless you are my niece or nephew to calls and FaceTime accepted without appointment!

I want to remember our 10 year old TV died, my computer monitor bit the dust, and a bunch of other shit broke like the house and things in it were complaining about suddenly having to work overtime for no additional pay.

I want to remember I lost half of a cavity in like week three and have been very precarious with biting ever since. 

I want to remember how much I wanted to hug the world. 

I want to remember how much more confident I would have been going into this if we had universal healthcare, properly staffed and funded hospitals, and the appropriate PPE for frontline workers. 

I want to remember how scared I was that everyone was going to lose everything because we don't have a government that works for the people. 

I want to remember I laughed so fucking hard so many times and also cried really hard a few times and both were a great release. 

I want to remember how it felt like I had to re-learn socialization and being with people in person when I started seeing people again, how for so long video calls felt like so little but in person also felt like a little too much. 

I want to remember how nothing felt right in almost any situation and what a fucking weird time this has been. 

I want to remember how fucking privileged I am. 

I want to remember I spent so much time with my dogs and it was so great, especially with the old dog. 

I want to remember that I get by with a little help from my friends, in global covid pandemics and racism pandemics or no pandemic. And I have some of the very best fucking people on the planet in my life and we showed up for each other on text, phone, FaceTime, Facebook, Instagram, freaking Zoom and Teams. Your circle is the MVP in or out of any pandemic - make sure the right people are in it. Thanks to our BFF Evan of Evan Leslie Images for the pics. Contact Evan for your family, something fun, yearly kid pics, bar and bat mitzvahs, weddings, and any big family event. Or just to take photos of you on your porch, unshowered, wearing clothes you threw on that morning. 

What do you want to remember? 

Show Us Your Books - June 2020

Hi. 

Over the past few years I've delved deeper into working internally on what started as intersectional feminism - my feminist feed was super white - and then split off into examining my attitudes on race as well because as we should all know by now, it all intersects. I started by following a lot of black women online, specifically on Instagram, back at the end of 2016. I read. I sat with what I read. I did not interject myself where my opinion or commentary was not wanted. I held space. I followed more and read more and sat more and grew more. And when I needed more, where the hell else would I turn besides books that were recommended by those women? Books are how I learn. I am not a podcast person, I'm not really a show watcher. So of course it was books along with some patreon sponsorships to get more written content from some of those women. There have never been more resources on what books to read in regards to race on the Internet as there are right about now, literally everyone has a list even people who've not read many books on the subject. There are plenty of black people out there doing work on this and their lead should be followed and if you get info from them and they have a Patreon or Venmo, you should pay for their time. This is just what was personally helpful to me at the start. 

White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo: I recommend people like me start here. Especially people who do not consider themselves racist, like I didn't. I could see myself in these pages. Seeing yourself is crucial to getting rid of the stuff that is ingrained as a result of the racist systems we have been raised in. This really grounded me for the work that was and still is ahead. I reference this book all the time. 

Me and White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad: I did the Me and White Supremacy 28 day challenge she ran off of her Instagram account in 2018 - this book is the result of that. When you see people say do the work, you actually have to like...you know...do the work. This was a great prompter.  When I did it it was free which was generous AF given the work she put into it. I sent a donation via PayPal at the time but also pre-ordered the book when it came out. If we have the money - and most people reading this do - we need to pay people. 

So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Olue - The first two for me were more about examining myself. This made me think about turning the conversation outward. That was important for someone raised in the "I don't see color" 1980s and the all time white person thing of thinking it is rude to discuss race. Well, what we've done to black people because of their race is fucking beyond rude so stop. 

Just Mercy does an excellent job of showing how the entire criminal justice system is stacked against black people and it is a very easy read. If you don't have a commitment to change after reading that, I just...I don't know. 

I've read and learned from many more, but this is where I'd start if you're starting. Or if you've started and are feeling a little lost and haven't read any of those three, maybe put down what you're reading and go to one of those then move on. White people in particular may feel some type of way while reading books on race. Keep going. Once you are committed to being anti-racist, you are responsible for your part in changing the narrative. I am always happy to discuss books or give a recommendation if you need one. Hit me up! Up next for me is Hood Feminism. 

Two other book and race notes: black writers are not only here to teach us how we've fucked up in regards to race and systems. Fiction readers, are you reading black authors? I ask because publishing houses do not promote them like they do white authors and they've been outed on twitter (search #publishingpaidme and see how Roxanne Gay got totally fucked over). Know that you might need to actively pursue black authors to read because they might not be handed to you by the publisher. Next - we need to be buying from black-owned bookstores where we can, small bookstores where we can't, or you can shop this SUYBookstore Jana thought up and set up last night (still a work in progress but awesome, Jana!). Any proceeds go to charity and first up is social justice - if any sell through there there will be screen shots of receipts. 

My local black woman owned bookstore is Harriett's in Philadelphia. They are not fulfilling new orders right now due to a major swell in support (yay internet) but they are accepting donations via venmo (HARRIETTSBOOKSHOP) so please consider that in addition to buying from her in the future. She's a one woman show - just opened a month before the covid pandemic - and is now out there in the streets handing out free lit to liberate the minds of people protesting for equality in the neighborhood of Philadelphia where last week thug men roamed around with bats and used racial slurs and beat up reporters all after curfew and in range of the police. If that isn't poetic and worth supporting, I don't know what is. 

Here's what I've been reading since the last linkup. 

Light on the pics and heavy on the kindle because I was working through Netgalley. 

Engrossing Reads

All My Mother's Lovers by Ilana Masad - What a title, no? While I wish a few things went deeper and additional time was spent on some things, I enjoyed this ride. It's a timely read for Pride month too. 

Know My Name by Chanel Miller - A quick read for something so monumental. She's an excellent writer and just, lord, fierce. I'd recommend this to anyone. kindle book

Passed the Time Just Fine

The Girl from Widow Hills by Megan Miranda - Miranda is quite good at writing books that leave me with no idea who to trust. I was actually a little scaredy cat afraid of this one at the end - she's good at that too. Not my favorite of hers, but a passable effort. Thanks to Netgalley for the free read in exchange for an honest review

Last Breath (Detective Erika Foster #4) by Robert Bryndza - It's been a while since I was in Ericka Foster's company. She takes no shit. Solid series. kindle e-book

The Girls Weekend by Jody Gehrman - Good pace and interesting set up. Some major holes, but it was a quick read that I enjoyed. Thanks to Netgalley for the free copy in exchange for an honest review.

East Coast Girls by Kerry Kletter - This took an abrupt turn that I was absolutely not expecting and it changed a fluffier book to a deep one. Free copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

A Week at the Shore by Barbara Delinsky - I can't recall her reading her, but for some reason Barbara Delinsky makes me think of the paperbacks my Gamma used to read. A little slow but I loved the writing in regards to coming home to a shore town. It really is a scent and a feeling. Thanks to Netgalley for the free read in exchange for an honest review

The Imperfects by Amy Meyerson - A super interesting premise - I would have loved for the focus to be on Helen and the history - but it was still a well told tale despite the main characters being unlikable. Thanks to Netgalley for the free read in exchange for an honest review.

Not Worth It

n/a

Did Not Finish

n/a

What have you been reading? 

Linkup Guidelines:

This link up is the second Tuesday of every month. The next linkup is Tuesday, July 14, 2020. 

1. Visit and comment with both of your hosts, Jana & me, and check in with as many in our reading circle as you can - give some love to the later linker uppers! 
2. Link back to us in your blog post - if you want the button you can get it from that link

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

TWTW - cleverly titled the first one in June

Friday Work work work followed by a Zoom work happy hour at 5. MFD's nieces and nephews and sister Mindy were down so we had pizza and salad and the kids hung out with the dogs for a while. I think I was dead asleep by 10:30. 

Saturday MFD headed back to Philly early to volunteer and work. I started the day slow, did a few chores and walking errands - picked up touch up paint - then we hit the beach. It was hot but a nice day. The trash pandas spread trash all over the apartment when I returned. They loved having the kids around to play with and pay attention to them. Mindy ordered a seafood feast then her and I contact papered the bane of my existence white wall. I walked dogs and read and MFD got back around 11. 

Sunday Porch to kick off the day, then when the kids and my SIL hit the beach MFD and I started doing house work inside and out. Maureen came to pick up her kids and cleaned out a cabinet for me. We worked through the afternoon, I made dinner (veggie was salad but I already scarfed that), which I feel like I haven't done in a while? 

Around 6:30 we were running out of steam so we took off to the North End for a few hours of peace. Such a privilege to do so. I was doing touch up paint in all rooms from 10-11 pm and MFD was painting trim on the main floor after that. I was not amused at the late work but the hours of peace were worth it. Love the BLM support around this town. There was a Unity paddle out for Black Lives Matter in the surfer community last night too.

Happy birthday today to my little pal Alex. Friday was my BFF Kim's birthday along with  my SUYB co-host and long time friend from college Jana. Show Us Your Books is tomorrow, see you back here for that. 

The exhaustion is real. It's well past time to make it right so everyone can have the same relative expectation of the possibility of peace every day, don't you think? Food for thought, if you've never thought about what the impact of what dealing with racism might look like daily.

How was your weekend?

Thursday Thoughts - It starts when you're always afraid, step out of line, the man come and take you away

Sitting on porches with dogs. That should be the name of my album.

Shouting a happy birthday to my brother . The bond we have is super important to me. 

Watching a lot of white people being very vocal about systemic racism and having hard conversations with peers / watching a lot of white people address systemic racism out loud, head on for the first time that I've seen / watching a lot of white people stick with what they've been taught to say in regards to race which is nothing or I don't see color/I treat everyone the same (good, but the system does not) / watching a lot of white people really dig their heels in and refuse to acknowledge or discuss systemic racism. It is hopeful and awakening and frustrating and horrifying all at once. I was once in the latter three places so I know for a fact you can get to the first one. Are you unsure of where to start or do you need resource suggestions? Email me at lifeaccordingtosteph@gmail.com

Wondering if people who are struggling with black lives matter because their standard stance is  back the blue understand that eradicating racism and making the criminal justice system itself not racist makes police entirely different and safer overall. Safer than being retaliated against for allowing a mob of white men with weapons to roam the streets yelling racial slurs for sure (this happened in Fishtown here in Philadelphia this week). Behavior that is allowed for white people by law enforcement and would not under any circumstance be allowed for black people is the main crux of the issue here.

Pushing for people to address what's under the tip of the iceberg - the why, not the how.

Wishing people cared as much about other people as they care about a statue of a Mayor long gone from Philly who once said "vote white." This shirt is from a Union covid fundraiser (remember Covid19? The global pandemic?) but when I say Fight for Philly, I mean for its people. All of them. Not for statues.

Unlearning. I saw a friend share this on Instagram and this is it, for a lot of us. If we can just get over that initial hump of hanging on to the old ways, we can fight for what is right. 

Reading slowly still in quarantine. I got a new delivery from Harriett's Bookshop this week. Show Us Your Books is Tuesday! In addition to sharing the books I've read since May, I'll give a list of books on race that I started with/that have helped me since I committed to begin the process of weeding covert racism out of myself a few years ago, and if you have any you recommend I hope you share them too. It is a long and daily process to unlearn ideas and behavior you grew up "knowing" to be true and right.

Taking a lot of trips to Dog beach. It's been me and Bruce and Ben since Monday? Tuesday? MFD returns today after work.  

Considering this to be a simple, great way to state the state of things. Courtesy of Rainn Wilson AKA Dwight Schrute. If this is too small for you to read, click through to his Instagram post.

Hoping you are following people like Sonya Renee Taylor, Rachel Cargle, Afrominimalist, Layla F Saad, and listening. Not commenting and inserting yourself, but listening and processing. Sitting with information. Asking yourself why you had the reaction you had to something. And when you learn something, leaving a tip via Patreon or Venmo or whatever they have set up. And if you have someone you're learning from, that you'll share them with me. I originally started intentionally following more black women back in late 2016, under the auspice of making sure my feminism was intersectional - because if it's not, it's not really feminism, and my feminism feed was all white - and lord have I learned a ton of shit from these women. Particularly how often women, race, and class intersect (hello Angela Davis). So often we think our opinion is set for life and I don't understand that. New information should lead to revisions. I hope we can get to that place.

Refusing to cancel 2020 simply because it is calling on us to get out of the rut and stop being lazy and accepting.

Getting as close as I get to running last night with skies that looked like the top on the start of my walk but were more like the bottom on the way back home. Especially since the storm earlier on Wednesday saw my recycles blown all over the block and me out retrieving them in sideways rain and gross runoff water from the sewers. I was not amused.

Needing to do a lot of touch up painting this weekend. First shore renters come Monday.

Eating trash. I mean, like also eating salad and fruit, but last night for dinner I ate salami on crackers topped with banana peppers served with a side of Sour Patch Kids strawberries as fruit because it was all available and I just don't feel like cooking anything.

Listening to For What It's Worth by Buffalo Springfield - lyrics behind the Thursday Thoughts. Old, but timely, no?

Using my new ottoman slash desk. Much easier to move around without bumping knees on the old table (that's going back to Philly to be put in the basement).

Reminding you

Laughing because the answer is pretty much I could eat depending on what it is

What's new?

Linking up with Kristen

TWTW - the last one in May

Friday The whole fam went to dog beach around 7:30a, even Mae who hates it and life when she's there. Typical of her she tried to leave with the one other family that was there aside from us. Work, lunch errands, MFD left in the afternoon, exterminator came, electrician came, and I made salad and air fryer chicken breasts for dinner. I closed the night out finishing a book and starting and advanced copy of Megan Miranda's newest. 

Saturday A day to work and putter. I did some spray painting, caulking, cleaning, porch fixing, errands at local small businesses that yielded flowers and a fuck it chair (handmade, and I'm calling it that because you sit in it and then you want to say fuck it to everything), and went to the boardwalk to try the new cherry whip from Aloha. When I got back I did more cleaning up and recovered the table from the big bathroom upstairs for the fifth year. Also threw my back out doing any number of things. Who knows, I'm 43. 

Sunday Nails (OPI Suzi's Slinging Mezcal and Can't Find My Czechbook), Evan and family were down so he did a porch picture of us with the dogs and we all hit the beach, I argued a lot online about looting, and tried to relax at night doing more reading and less arguing. MFD got fried chicken from Boyar's for dinner, and I zoomed with my BFFs and it was very needed.

It's heavy out there today. I'm sick to my stomach. Have you seen this video of Killer Mike's speech in Atlanta? Rioting and violence and looting are the consequences of what happens when basic human needs aren't being met. I have posted about this a lot on Instagram and Facebook and a lot of people took that to mean I am cheering it on. Of course I'm not. But I sure as hell understand the reaction on a visceral level. And I am absolutely in favor of the figurative burning of systems that were designed to benefit white people, specifically white men. The problems are systemic and institutional. If someone does not understand that racism exists in 2020, lose the trash friends and family. For real. This is not a both sides issue. Luvvie hits it home as always on that. 

When people take a knee in peaceful protest and everyone bitches about that action instead of addressing the deep wounds that caused the peaceful action to be taken, when people constantly say just be peaceful and change will come and it never comes, what do we expect? If you were against taking a knee and are against looting, very seriously please ask yourself what way can people protest to ENACT CHANGE (not just to gather and be seen, but action that will move people to act on their behalf to push a major societal shift) that is palatable to you? Is what you really want their silence so things continue on as they've always been, which is hell for black people? And how long should progress take? We've been at this "wait, things are getting better" thing quite a long time. Small tweaks to a system designed to be anti-black are not going to cut it. This is sweeping, destroy the system and start over from scratch change needed. We're well past time here to make progress within the system that stands. This fucked up system has put every first responder and every business owner and citizen in danger and it is time to stop defending it as it is. And that's why there's violence on our doorsteps and innocent people and businesses small and large, black-owned and white-owned and other, are caught in the boil over. We have brought this on ourselves by not standing up for black lives and demanding the government act to eradicate inequality and injustice. And one wrong move by some vigilante under the guise of protecting their neighborhood from "these people" will bring even more. Be heard but be safe but most of all be a damn agent for change for black people. It is the just thing to do. 

Also, if we are white and exhausted by the fear and uncertainty of the past week, imagine the fear and uncertainty of being black in America every day, your whole life. 

Change must come. Maybe now that it's on our doorsteps and interrupting our sleep and work and property and days and we will give a fuck and do something.

Speaking of being heard and agents for change, today is the beginning of Pride month. Pride was also a riot. 

I can't recall any major shift in social advancement/change that came without an uprising. Uprisings are not peaceful. 

Hang in there everyone. 

Happy happy birthday to KVSR today! Love you! 

How was your weekend?