Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Keys are our Kryptonite



If we go away together and share a room, I will always call "not it" on being responsible for having a key. I will lose my key at some point, requiring visits to the front desk to get the room re-keyed.

My key issues go back many years. When I moved back home after college, downstairs was a fortress but my window was usually open up on the second floor. So when I misplaced my keys, I'd haul a big ass ladder through the yard, prop it up, and get my ass into a second story window, which required climbing on a perilous little ledge of a roof. Often drunk as a skunk after a night at the Hulmeville. Sorry Dad and Carol. At least I never broke my neck? Silver linings.
Countless incidents of key fuckery are why at least nine people have a key to our house. I continue to lock myself out, which, whatever, I'm used to the key fuckery. It doesn't help that you can open our front door from the inside and not know it's locked until you turn the outside knob.

But last year a bad thing started to happen. MFD came down with the key flu. I have to say I'm surprised it took more than 11 years with me for him to catch it. It's worse than the fucking plague.

His descent into key hell began as a joint  incident. I took the train to work and MFD called to inform me I had both car keys and he and had locked himself out of the house. On crutches. With a closing and an orthopedist appointment to go to. I called my mom like mother please help.

As the year progressed, MFD started locking himself out more frequently. I was like dude...I know. These fucking keys have it out for us. Or we're dumbasses. Probably both.

A few weeks ago, I locked both of us out of the house on a Monday night. Three days later, he locked himself out with another doctor's appointment and a meeting to attend.

Since these types of things happen in threes, a few days after that he locked the keys in the trunk in a loading zone in Center City. The locksmith was two hours out and $190. The PPA was closing in and he had an actual deal closing he had to get to, so the back window had to be broken out a la Johnny Castle in Dirty Dancing.
He was getting it fixed at 9:30 the next morning for $132. So an overall savings compared to $190? Fuck me. The best part is that he told me very casually a few hours later. Because what could I say? I couldn't freak out. I have the worst case of key flu known to man.

Thank God for our neighbors and framily who accept that keys are our kryptonite and just bring us the key when we call. If it's stupid and involves keys, it's happening to us.  And before you suggest I hide a key outside, I've done that. A few times. And lost those too. So thanks but no thanks. MFD is ordering an extra lockbox for us because I and now we suck so hard with keys.

What's your kryptonite?

Don't miss tomorrow's blog - Geege is finally making his debut. And visit my facebook page today to share a quick & easy healthy recipe for a chance to win $20 you call it on Friday. The post is pinned to the top of the page.
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Linking up with Kathy for Humpday Confessions.
 Linking up with Shanna for Random Wednesday

37 comments:

  1. This had my laughing out loud this morning.

    My kryptonite. The godforsaken chargers that litter our house. Found the phone charger. Now the cord for the video camera is missing. Attention electronics manufacturers: ONE universal charger for EVERYTHING!!!!!

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  2. Bahahahah, I remember when he locked himself out when he had the dr appointment and closing!
    If I ever meet MFD, I'm going to call him Johnny Castle and say "You're wiiiiiiiiiillllllllllddddd!"
    How fucking sad is it that it costs less to break your fucking window than to call a locksmith in the city of Philadelphia?! The hell...

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  3. This made me laugh so much! Especially the busting out the back window. My two teenage boys might be your match for key issues. They CANNOT keep track of a key to save their lives. I don't really lock myself out of stuff, but I'm constantly misplacing my car keys in my coat or different pockets of my purse. Now that I said that I'm sure to either lock myself out of the house or lock my keys in the car today. :)

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  4. bahahahahah! i was going to type that very thing: YOU'RE WIIILLLLLLLLDDDDD!!" i love me some dirty dancing.

    i'm a huge anal fuck when it comes to my keys. the one and only time i forgot my key and locked myself out, i had to break into my garage to get the ladder and then the cops showed up because the neighbour thought i was trying to rob the place (at least i know they're on the lookout) and i had to convince them that i lived there!

    -kathy | Vodka and Soda

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  5. When I was in college, I lived in an apartment with a balcony that had a doorknob like the one you described. I once locked myself out there (second floor) and had to call the landlord to come let me in. He had a hearty laugh at my expense, both on the phone and in person. Facepalm.

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    Replies
    1. My neighbors get that call from me often! Usually because I'm trapped out front wearing pajamas!

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  6. Man. Keys really do have it out for you guys! I love how you found a way to compare MFD to Dirty Dancing. I would expect nothing less from you!

    Ahhhh Geege! I cant wait to read Geege's debut tomorrow!

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  7. Oh Stephanie, you seem so TOGETHER and with it all the time that I am envious, so is it bad that seeing your imperfection makes me like you even more? I mean we all have our things so at least you are able to share in your thing and get good stories from it! I misplace things all the time. They are never lost but I never know where things are when I need them. My husband hates it. I am always lagging behind, digging in my purse for what I need. I constantly lock my office keys in my office but luckily all keys in my suite are the same so people can bail me out.

    It's pretty badass that MFD broke his window in the middle of the city. Did anyone think he was breaking into a car that wasn't his? I bet explaining that would have been fun...

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    1. Also did I just commit a sin by using Stephanie instead of Steph? My fingers know not what they do this early in the morning. At least it wasn't a grammatical error, right? :)

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  8. Oh my goodness! I was totally going to suggest hiding a key outside, then I remember I did that and can't remember where I hid it. Haha! MFD and Johnny comparison is hilarious, love it! Can't wait to see what Geege has up his paw! ;)

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  9. Numbers are my krypton it's. Not just math, but all numbers. They fall right out of my head. You should never trust a number I tell you about anything, and somehow, Shawn refuses to accept this, even after more than a decade of me never knowing a number and once convincing him that he was turning a whole year older than he really was.

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    Replies
    1. I once thought I was a year older for about six months. Numbers are cruel mistresses, man.

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  10. Love the Louis-key master reference! Mike Doyle, God love him, I said I was getting your both lanyards to wear constantly and that as you walk out the door the first thing that should pop into your mind is KEYS!
    As I have had the luxury of not running around like a nut for a few years (forever grateful)- I am slowing myself down.
    I do, however, am known for not screwing tops back on properly!
    Can't wait to read our Geege's blog tomorrow! A sweet, serious, caring soul!

    Love your MOMMA

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  11. And I should have previewed that comment ! JMJ have a good day! #lovetorhyme

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  12. Bahahahaha! I can't believe he broke into his own car. Although I DO see the logic in it!!

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  13. That is the worst! Been there, done that. Luckily only once (should I knock on wood now?) I can't think of anything that is my Kryptonite off the top of my head. Is that a good thing or bad?

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  14. How about one of these for the house? My in-laws have one and you just need to know the code to get into their house. http://www.kwikset.com/smartsecurity/electronic-locks/electronic-deadbolt.aspx

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    Replies
    1. Al, we will look into those when we get new doors! We should be good with a lockbox when it arrives and MFD doesn't keep stealing ours for clients.

      Delete
  15. hahaha ohh no. keys suck. i always lose my phone- that is my kryptonite.

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  16. I am dying to the "key flu", hahaha. I never claim the room keys when we're away...I ALWAYS lose...always, damnit!

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  17. Key fuckery...hahah! Considering how much i lose everything else, I'm shocked I haven't lost my keys more often. But I'm definitely planning to leave a key for our house at my brothers place- which is right down the street. Better plan for the worst!

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  18. I recently locked my ONLY car key in the Jeep in a movie theater parking lot. Genius!

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  19. Haha I love this. I've done that with my car countless times. Thank God for AAA.

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  20. For some reason my keyfuckery is getting better, but it still kicks my ass on certain days. Walletfuckery has now taken hold. I blame internet shopping.

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  21. OMG, I remember the stories of you having to climb the ladder to get in the house! I couldn't even tell you where a key to our house is. The locks are tricky but the good thing is that you can't actually lock yourself out. We just use the keypad on our garage doors and praise Jesus for battery backup.

    It's a good thing too because I'm sure my mom has the key flu. She's always locking her keys in the trunk of her car. Then one day James did it and said "I pulled a Gramma."

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  22. I am CONSTANTLY losing keys and locking myself out. At one point when we were first married--I locked myself out at least 3-4 times A WEEK. It to to a point that I basically gave everyone I knew a key. I even just tried leaving our door unlocked (FINE! Criminals be damned! Take everything!) but even then I'd ACCIDENTALLY lock myself out. I don't even know how that happened! I can't believe the window replacement was less than the locksmith. Are you EVEN kidding! Sheesh!

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  23. This had me laughing because I can relate! I got locked out of the house with my kids last summer a few times. I had to have my son climb in through the small bathroom window. I wanted to do it, but I was kinda afraid my fat ass would get stuck, and then what? I never had to break into my own car though :) Atleast not yet.

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  24. Cannot wait for Geege!

    I'm horrible with keys too, but we got an electronic lock (as part of our alarm system, although you can just by the lock separate now). It's awesome. You can't get locked out! I can even use my phone to unlock the door on a rainy day!! Y'all might want to check it out! Hahah - I have broken a back door window once before to get in!

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  25. I love that he broke into his car. So fucking fantastic. He should have had someone record it for you.

    Luckily we do not lock ourselves out ever (watch, I will do it today) because we go in through the garage door and leave the door from the garage into the house unlocked, but I lock myself out of my office all the damn time. The best is when I teach a night class and the only people who can let me in is security. More than once, it has been one of my students working for security who has to come let me into my office. Fucking embarrassing.

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  26. I always (always always) keep my keys in my purse, and my purse on the bannister. No more lost keys! My kryptonite is remembering to take food out of the freezer early enough to let it completely thaw before I need to cook it!

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  27. hahahah! This is why I love living in a rental building with a doorman. My door is never locked. Never. Because I'm just as awful with keys. I used to leave them sitting on my counter in my dorm (but door unlocked), then my sorority house had a keypad (number written on my shoes) and for the 2 years after that, my roommates dealt with it. When I moved back to Chicago, I would lose keys in bars, I would forget them to have the door auto lock behind me, it was just a mess. I started attaching a key to my bras. Can't lose that! Then I just started leaving my door unlocked and that's how it stands today. It's cool, Hawkeye's on guard, though I often come home to John or a friend lounging on my couch.

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  28. As I read this I couldn't help think of the shrinking keys from Harry Potter. In the Chamber of Secrets which I just re-read Arthur Weasley says wizards put spells on keys to make muggles think they are losing their keys when in reality they are shrinking.

    I've determined you must have pissed a Harry Potter world wizard off and that is how all this key shit happened.

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  29. once I locked my keys in my car while it was running. that was fun. but other than that I'm pretty good with keys, credit cards, ID, etc.

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  30. Honestly can this post get anymore funny? That side by side pic reference to Johnny Castle I am literally dying over here.

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  31. oh my gosh ha I can't believe the key flu you both now have! i seriously check my purse several times before i leave the house and several times before i get out of my car. i'm so paranoid. and can't wait to read about geege tomorrow - eeee!
    -- jackie - jade and oak

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  32. Instead of LifeAlert around your necks you need keys. That said your front door is the devil's trick door. I have unlocked it , tested it from the inside to see if it is unlocked yep perfect. Shut it went to my car, came back and locked. It is fucking unbelievable. It has happened more than once. Between that and unlocking your basement door (which I think I may have mastered) I am convinced your doors are portals to some other dimension.

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  33. Get your self a keyless entry now...it will save your life...it's worth every single cent...SWEAR!!!

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