TWTW - the slow and low tempo one

Friday I could not concentrate for shit in the afternoon. I took a walk and got some Johnson’s popcorn and we spent the 4 pm hour on the beach where all dogs were consistent assholes. I finished a book and was asleep by 11.

Saturday it felt good to sleep in until 7:15. I never had a chaffle before this morning. Sold. I painted my nails, took the dogs for a long walk, then set out for the afternoon. I dropped a return off to FedEx, picked up some Thanksgiving wine, replenished items from PetSmart, stopped into Marshalls to replace one of Gus’s stank ass shore beds, and picked up a steak from Aldi for dinner. I encountered many an asshole along the way. Back at home I read, went down to the bay to see the sunset, roasted parsnips and asparagus and threw the steak in the air fryer, and dug around under beds for Thanksgiving and Christmas shit. Ben enjoyed his new electric blanket. He's always cold but will not wear sweaters. I also ordered a tray of stuffing and pumpkin pies from two local places and wrote up the Thanksgiving menu. I read half of a new book throughout the day.

Sunday Kicked off with cleaning, which...no. I cleaned up the main floor in the shore house, then our apartment, changed sheets, showered, packed up the car, took a long walk, and was back in Philly by 1 in time to tell MFD what Christmas shit to take back to the shore with him as he was heading down to pick up a client at the airport for a closing today. I hit Marshalls in Franklin Mills looking for a replacement area rug, which I did not find but I did find fully half of the people not adhering to the Philadelphia mask mandate that remains in place in indoor areas. Which makes it shit for workers and also is weird because many flaunting the mandate are surely comply or die people. Weird. I made a frozen pizza and salad for dinner, did a bunch of laundry, and watched Yellowstone. Dad and Carol got home around 8:30 and I talked to them over tea for a while.

Happy happy birthday to my friend Melissa yesterday!

Land of No Sleep thanks to old dogs and rambunctious cats. Happy Monday!

8 things I learned during 8 years of recovery from alcohol and substance use disorder

Today is MFD's eight sober anniversary. It is impossible to boil down what a life changing impact that has had for us across the board into a few sentences. 

Sobriety isn't something you do and move on from. It is commitment and consistency. It is vulnerability and honesty. It is introspection and service and healing and growth. It requires constant tending. Sometimes it requires an overhaul. It is beautiful. In many ways it is like a relationship. And in our relationship, today is the most important anniversary because without it, we would not celebrate a marriage anniversary at this point. 

Which makes it funny in the 2020-2021 brand of funny that I didn't realize today was November 12 for a number of hours into the day.

Anyway this is something MFD wrote about his journey so far. It is true to what I have seen him live these past eight years. It's good too, I only gave two edits for clarity...after he had posted it everywhere LOL. 

I wanted to share it here in case you need it, or you know someone who might. As always, mental health issues, alcoholism and substance use disorder are nothing to be ashamed of. We are removing the stigma and talking about these things out loud. Please contact me via email if you need to do that and I will share any resources I can with you, including myself. 

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8 Things I Learned During 8 Years of Recovery from Alcohol and Substance Use Disorder

1. It takes a village

Find a supportive community to help shape your recovery. 12 Steps, SMART Recovery, Dharma, etc… There are many pathways to recovery but find one, stick with it and find someone who you admire and respect, latch onto them, and do what they say and do. (This can be an ever evolving process, but I recommend sticking to one mode for the first few years before exploring other Recovery Options.

 2. You can only control what is within your “Hula Hoop”

I thought I could magically infect everyone with what I learned, which would remove what probably seemed to them insurmountable problems and change themselves for the better in the process. I learned I can only control the changes I choose to make within the imaginary hula hoop around my body. I can be a model for others, if they choose that, but I can only control me.

3. A higher power was necessary for MY recovery

It may not work for everyone, but for me it was important. It was also very important to learn and understanding that my higher power is what I choose. It isn’t Catholic, Islam, Jewish, Buddhist, etc… It is what I want and need it to be and can be all gendered or no gender or an old man with a beard or a chair. To those struggling with the concept of a higher power, it is what YOU want it to be. The point is that I needed to understand the concept of a higher power to help me learn about humility and vulnerability.

4. Be Honest

Do not lie, cheat, or steal. It sounds easy but for many it was a way of life for so long. Also, I learned that I need to get honest with myself and with another. A sponsor or my therapist, but as long as I got honest and lived in an honest way, I would be fine.

5. Consistent mental health treatment

Following my primary care physician’s suggestion to see a psychologist and seeing that same Doctor for 8 years has been key. Incorporating a psychiatrist at year 2 was also key. Remember, it takes a village and seeking professional outside help was so important. Also, Old and Angry men who are NOT doctors are NOT doctors. Do NOT take their medical advice.

6. Promises will come true if you let them

My favorites are, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” And “Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.” There are 10 more. Contact me directly if you want to know more about them.

7. Be kind and don’t be a DICK!!!

If the people you are surrounding yourself with in your fellowship seem to be mean, cruel, dickish, unkind, condescending, childish, uncaring, etc… Find a new group of people to join in your recovery journey. Human beings will act like each other in groups, and you will find yourself becoming a mean, angry person if you surround yourself with mean, angry people. Love yourself, your spouse/partner, family, friends, and volunteers. And most importantly, learn to love and pray for those you DO NOT LIKE or have a resentment towards.

8. Recovery is malleable and can evolve

If it takes a village then make sure you are open, available, considerate, kind and loving to everyone seeking a better life. Example, If you are in AA, be open to people in NA, SMART Recovery or people still using.

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Happy most important anniversary to MFD. Happy Friday to you. And to anyone who needs to hear it: recovery is possible. 

Are you looking for winter vacation ideas?

Now that winters coming up and the sun is showing itself less and less, people often feel like the fun from the year is harder to come by. Going outside is less desirable, and you’re left feeling like you’re stuck inside. That’s not how it has to be! There’s plenty to be enjoyed about the cold winter weather, and there’s plenty of reason to consider getting out for your very own winter vacation. Sure, you won’t be spending your days sunbathing on the beach, but you will be admiring what winter has to offer you.

Source

Snowboarding

One of the most popular winter activities people take part in is snowboarding and skiing, and it might even surprise you. If you’ve never tried it before and feel like it’s not for you, it’s worth considering looking into it. There are slopes dedicated to beginners, and you can often have lessons at the resort. Skiing and snowboarding might be your next favorite winter activity! Of course, the main issue with this option is that you’ll want to make sure you’ve got your equipment prepared beforehand, which can be quite expensive.

Ice climbing

Climbing is not so much a casual vacation activity, but it can be thrilling. For example, this Wasatch mountains ice climbing destination is not for the faint of heart, but it can be a great opportunity if you’re a thrill-seeker. With that said, climbing in warm conditions can be a difficult and exertive sport; ice climbing is even more so. If you like the idea of scaling mountains in the cold, then you should give this one a try! 

You’ll want to make sure you’ve taken the appropriate safety courses beforehand, though, as it can be life-saving! Don’t let yourself be caught in situations that you don’t know how to handle. Being out there in the cold poses a number of threats, so be prepared!

Photography

Winter only comes around once a year, and with it are a number of beautiful sites that you won’t see in any other season. Taking up photography for the winter can really help you appreciate what’s around you, and why the winter is such a wonderful season. When it snows, all of the places that you usually visit can look completely different, and your local part can turn into a winter wonderland - just waiting for you to capture it with your camera!

Ice fishing

While it’s not for everyone, fishing can be a relaxing and fun activity. Ice fishing can provide a similar yet unique experience. Those who enjoy fishing without a boat are usually restricted to the shorelines and around lakes, but when winter comes along - you have a little more freedom. Fishing on a thick sheet of ice allows you to get out there and catch a different range of fish. If you’re someone who’s always enjoyed fishing, then ice fishing might be a great way for you to experience something new about the activity you already enjoy.

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Happy Friday! This post was written with the Life According to Steph audience in mind.

Thursday Thoughts - it's okay with me if you don't have that much to say

1. I set myself up with a fall back plan: start work earlier because I'm up anyway, get outside for at least a half hour at lunch, and then finish work at 4 and be out walking from 4-5. That lasted for two days before I missed out on the 4-5 but those two days felt super so barring anything major, that is the plan going forward still. I can come back and clean up work stuff from 5-6. Light is everything.  Still out here in bare feet but it takes my feet a while to warm up after that. 

2. We have discussed possibly shutting this house down in January and/or February for a month but I would be hard pressed to leave my outdoor oasis and treasure trunk. I walk at lunch in the city but the 4-5 hour is always inside. Last year was the first year we kept it open all winter because one of us could always be here if the temps got too low. We will be able to do the same this winter so we'll probably just keep it open again. 

3. Officially a carry a pair of readers around person. Between this and yesterday's peri menopause post it's like guess my age around here

4. We watched Ted Lasso season two over two nights this week and can I just say how incredible Sam is and also that I have always hated Nate. Billy was passed out because we took a timer set family holiday card photo this week and that went over as well as you think with four dogs and a cat.

5. How cute are these from World Market? 12.99, I got the tree one. Trees are sort of my thing and I love the holly jolly one but the word vibes bothers me not really on this mat but like in general. Weird, I know.

6. Yo, have you guys tried Wawa's new salads? They have definitely upped their game. I had one for dinner this week. Other things I've been having:

7. Thanks to those who joined us for Show Us Your Books Tuesday. I did one of my standards - committed to clearing up what's due to publish or has recently from my Netgalley list then went to the library and picked something up the first in the Holly Jackson trilogy which I told myself I'd start in January. 

8. Early dark has sucked this week but the temps have not. Cheers to night biking on the boards, blurry pictures and no wind. Also sucking this week: Kyle Rittenhouse acting like a motherfucking victim when he brought a gun he should not have had across state lines to a fucking protest he should not have been at if he was afraid and used it to murder innocent people. People defending Kyle Rittenhouse. White supremacy. Racism. Republicans introducing zero pieces of legislation for the good of everyone. Republicans obstructing everything. Centrist democrats. Oligarchy. Patriarchy. 

9. Reminder: fuck the shoulds, do the wants. The true wants. Art by Eliienkind

10. Ecards - woke up in a mood this morning

Saluting all Veterans today and every day. Hopeful to live in a world with no more wars and no more military occupation for economic interests. 

What appears beyond the hyphen in Thursday Thoughts titles is what I'm listening to when I'm starting this - this week is Hello by Martin Solveig & Dragonette from Ted Lasso's Coach Beard episode

Shifts

I - and many friends my age, we are in our mid-40s - are experiencing or on the cusp of perimenopause. I read this article in The Lily about how menopause isn't widely talked about and it pisses me off how little is known or taught about this massive shift in life, but that's a story for another day. We will clearly be talking about it here because the patriarchy can choke twice and die.

Last week I spoke to my doctor and my acupuncturist about peri-menopause and just feeling absolutely not myself. I have lived in this body for 44 years. I know a shift when one comes. Maybe you also think you're entering some shift and you've been brushed off. Maybe you just want to know what might be coming at you.

My acupuncturist had absolutely amazing advice and info. If you have an acupuncturist, please consider discussing this with them. Apparently there is a word in acupuncture that is used when discussing menopause and it boils down to stuck - everything becomes stuck and you need to unstick it. She needled me some and waking up hot has stopped since and I could die in gratitude just from that...but she was extremely helpful in other ways too, mostly with information and suggestions.

It should come to no surprise to any of us that you can really work to make yourself more comfortable with peri/full menopause by keeping your blood sugar down and stable, decreasing cortisol levels, exercising ,and getting the appropriate amount of sleep for your body. Otherwise known as half of the shit I don't want to or feel like doing - I am always down for the right amount of sleep . I am not now and never have been a person who loves exercise. Regardless, I have already made some changes since I've seen both of them because I'm a big fan of not waiting for anything you're looking to change. Start today, even without a full plan, even if you're still working it out.

Food

I've gained weight that I attributed to quitting smoking or the pandemic but the truth is this is different weight. It sits different and it feels different. Obvi cut down on bread/pasta/rice, increase veggie intake. Tale as old as time, yes? Notice I say cut down because I do not believe in cut out. I don't think cutting out food groups is sustainable and I am not in the business of setting myself up for failure. That's a tale as old as time for a lot of women too. Not this one. We are realistic or we are nothing in my brain.

I don't drink much, but my acupuncturist said that many women struggle more than they need to with peri/menopause because of the daily wine they like. It interrupts sleep and that hurts.

Sleep

The hardest one, especially for most women with kids. Or in our house, a 16 year old dog that doesn't keep regular hours unless you count 3 and 4 am as regular. My sleep in general has improved with the addition of magnesium supplements. Many people are deficient in magnesium and have no idea. I take Metagenix brand, and it has helped tremendously. I have taken other brands that did little or made me sick.

Movement

This is my least favorite, and one I have gone in fits and spurts with my whole life. So once again I have increased my time walking outside. Moving, no screens, fresh air. I walk outside all year and in all weather. Obviously walking has physical benefit but doing it outdoors is a great boost for me mentally.

I open my front door and spend $20, so it was not a big decision to spend $13 a month on the One Peloton app. I don't have the bike or treadmill, but the stretching, strength, and walking are great and the instructors don't annoy me with typical fitness bullshit that I loathe. I have stretched more in the past week than I have in my life and that is not an exaggeration. What a tremendous way to get un-stuck and what the hell is wrong with me for knowing I should stretch forever yet not doing it.

I'm also considering going back to water aerobics, which I used to do with Jenn years ago at the Y and really enjoyed. 

Mind
Exercise keeps your body in excellent operating order, keeps your heart and muscles in good shape, blah blah blah. It's also a good way divert your attention away from the screens we are always in front of everywhere, which is not ever a bad thing. Being able to do that while turned out in sweats and Nike sneakers or whatever floats your foot boat? Even better.

But wait, there's more! I also spent time discussing cortisol and serotonin levels with my acupuncturist. People always talk about endorphins and euphoria, which come with longer workouts. Serotonin production though...that's virtually instantaneous, and the existence of serotonins has been associated with a reduction in stress. Which is extremely beneficial to overall health at all ages, but especially as we get older and especially as we enter peri/menopausal years.

Music
I'm not a huge TV watcher in general, and am absolutely comfortable in complete silence, but I have started listening to music more. Many gym-goers say that music helps them get through their workouts more easily, and it definitely makes me less sedentary around the house even. It's the perfect backdrop for cooking the food I should be eating or cleaning while getting some additional movement in.

This is a little helter skelter, but I wanted to put it out there while it's fresh. Perimenopause and menopause are normal and we'll be talking about them in public and if people are uncomfortable with that the discomfort is theirs to sift through, not ours. Thank you and good day. I SAID GOOD DAY.