Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Fake Holy Will Roll You

This morning, I was heading towards the ticket area of Suburban Station when I heard "If my skin was pink like his you would not be accusing me of this!" The indignant shouter sounded very familiar. He went on to yell, "What are you, Egyptian? No one cares what you think!" Oh thank you tiny hypocrisy loving sweet baby Jesus, it WAS him! The 16th & Market preacher was being a racist douche in the train station! And by a great stroke of luck, I was there to see it.

Holy roller tried to roll SEPTA out of cash.

When I got to the window, I had an enlightening conversation with the woman who helped me.

Me: That guy is crazy.

SEPTA lady: Oh I know it, we all know him, that's why two managers are over there. He goes from station to station telling us we shorted him change and owe him cash.

Me: GET OUT! You do know he preaches holiness and truth up on the street at 16th & Market, right?

SEPTA lady: Really? When?

Me: All day! You've got to get above ground.

SEPTA lady (over her shoulder): Rhonda, we got to get up to the street during break today. Crazy Man is a Street Preacher, telling everybody about their sins!

tra la la la la la la la la. I love witnessing hypocrisy. I can't wait until that mofo yells out about thiefs and sinners when I'm walking by, spittle flying out of his gross lying mouth. As the great Tennessee Williams once said, "The only thing worse than a liar is a liar who is a hypocrite."

Now, good day. I SAID GOOD DAY!

Hallelujiah and amen,

SMD

p.s. FRIDAY EVE. Thank you.

Monday, September 26, 2011

No longer on hiatus. Vacation Wrap Up.

Hello comrades. I'm still wrapped up in a post-vacation fog cocoon. I have no idea what's going on in the local or world news except that a) the Eagles still suck and b) the spies hiking on the Iranian border were released for a ransom. My house is a mess, my dogs need a bath, I'm behind on all of my blog reading, some new shows did not record on my DVR, my car is due for inspection, and I need to get back on the eat well/exercise program.

Some takeaways from vacation:
  1. People have no concept of personal space at the pool, in lines, or in the bathroom. Listen up: if there are lots of empty chairs at the pool, don't sit down right next to someone. In line, do not stand so close that you are touching, breathing on, or palming the ass of the person in front of you. If the bathroom is not crowded, don't enter a stall right next to someone and then drop gunfire shits into the toilet.
  2. How do people with kids do Disney? We don't have kids and we are sofackingtired.
  3. People who work on cruise ships make pennies a month for salary and live off of their tips. If you receive good service, TIP WELL!
  4. No matter how many days off I have in a row, I will always want more.
Vacation was seriously glorious. We did a three night cruise on the Disney Dream, with ports of call in Nassau, Bahamas, and Disney's private island Castaway Cay. Then we did a total ball breaker Disney trip. It was MFD's first time, so we ran our asses off to ensure he saw it all.



We also got upgraded from the Caribbean Beach to the Contemporary resort. Jillian Fischetti, you ROCK for getting that done, and also for the attention to detail to make sure Disney recognized and celebrated our first wedding anniversary both at sea and on land, and that MFD got special treatment for being a first time Disney visitor. You should earn money as a Disney ambassador. Your planning made the trip exceptional.


How awesome was the cruise? So awesome that we booked a 7 nighter on the Fantasy (launching in January) for next year before we even got off the ship. The service was attentive and impeccable, the ship was immaculate, the food was outstanding, the rooms were spacious, you can BYOB onto the ship, and for it being a Disney cruise, we really didn't encounter kids. The adult areas were awesome. We met great people and MFD was of course the mayor.

We swam with dolphins at Atlantis in Nassau. That was unreal. Dolphins are sleek, smart, beautiful, funny creatures. That was the highlight of the Nassau trip. Nassau itself was dirty and gross, and the beggars and sellers on the beach were awful. To me, the best view of Nassau was the sun over it as we were leaving. GOOD DAY!

Sayonara, Nassau.
I would like to live on Disney's private island of Castaway Cay, specifically Serenity Beach. After an hour long massage in a beach cabana, I sat my ass in a chair in the water for hours reading, sipping on a pina colava, and just relaxing. No one under 18 allowed on the beach, tons of shells to take home, a merry band of Cubans singing their asses off in the water. Totally amazing.
Castaway Cay from the ship.
This is what I did all day.
The other thing I loved about the boat: watching the sun rise and set every day over the ocean. It was fabulous and centering.

Disney was a whirlwind. If you hate Disney, stop reading now. Otherwise, this is the schedule we kept:

Sunday - Arrive at Caribbean Beach hotel at 11. Finally get in room after 1. Fight with people about rooms. Eat lunch, leave for Hoop Dee Doo Review at 5:30, arrive at Magic Kingdom at 10, stay for Magic Hours through 1, get back to room at 2, pack suitcases for the morning move until 3:15.

Monday  - Up for breakfast, move to the Contemporary. Magic Kingdom from 12 - 5:30. Anniversary dinner at a table by the window in the California Grill on top of the Contemporary. We ate with a view of Cinderella's Castle and watched the Magic Kingdom fireworks from the observation deck. Fantastic. We changed and headed to Hollywood Studios from 11 - 1 for Magic Hours.

Tuesday - Finally a day to sleep in! We did the pool in the morning, then Hollywood Studios in the afternoon. We ate at Mama Melrose and finished the night with Fantasmic. That was an absolutely amazing show. I'd never seen it before and it knocked my socks off. Nightswimming to cap off the night.

Wednesday - EPCOT! My favorite. Lunch at the biergarten in Germany, dinner at La Hacienda in Mexico. EPCOT Illuminations fireworks show.

Thursday - Animal Kingdom, my least favorite park. It was hot and crowded. We were there from 8 a.m. - 4, then hopped over to EPCOT where MFD and I bought all new outfits since we were soaking wet, then proceeded to drink and eat around the world in ponchos. It was a blast.

Friday - Pool in the morning, then back to Magic Kingdom for the last few things MFD didn't see. We were having a ball strolling along when I realized my watch was broken and an hour behind. We hauled ass back to make our airport shuttle and arrived back to our casa at 1 a.m.

It was a truly wonderful time, and I was already online looking at excursions for the cruise we're taking next year. I'm still seriously pooped. We celebrated the shit out of our first anniversary while we were away, so yesterday, on the actual day, we were too tired to eat out OR cook. We ordered Lee's Hoagies and ate the top tier of our wedding cake, which was still delicious.

Back to life, back to reality.

SMD

Monday, September 12, 2011

Serenity Now.


I am a master of the mini break, a leading lady of the long weekend. I make sure my year is peppered with them. They make my heart sing, they keep me running...but there's nothing like The Big One. The Five-Days-Off-or-More-in-a-Row-Vacation.

When you get close to your vacation, you have to remind yourself to just hang in there and deal with the hurdles in your path. You're almost there. You hum Eye of the Tiger. Your mind races, circling around what needs to get done at work and last minute items to pick up from the store and is everything packed and have all the bills been paid and has everything been lined up for the dogs/house and and and and. You've reached your max capacity. I'm there. I'm pretty sure I look like this right now:


Be sure and tell 'em Large Marge sent ya! Heh heh heh heh heh

Tomorrow is my last day of work until September 26. I have 12 days off IN A ROW during which I will not give a good fuck about what goes on at work or concern myself with the petty problems of daily life. I will not do anything productive in regards to charity work or my fellow man or ride the asshole regional rail system. I will not plot out home improvement projects or lure MFD into doing them. As of Wednesday morning at 5 a.m.,


I will lounge and sun, swim with the dolphins, watch the sun rise and set on the open seas, get a massage on the beach, go on a waterslide that goes out over the ocean, whoop it up at the Hoop-De-Doo Review, ride the monorail, get my picture taken with Mickey Mouse and whatever other character I can chase down like a five year old, have a super large beer at the Biergarten, watch fireworks over Cinderella's castle, and have an all around fabulous time. MFD has never been to Disney. I seriously cannot wait to be with him in the happiest place on earth after cruising around on Disney's newest ship. I know he'll love it. Our friend and trip companion Jill has plotted our trip so he will really get the entire Disney experience.


I need to spend the next two days putting out work fires, kissing up on my dogs who I will miss terribly, picking up toiletries at Target, making sure my brother has groceries while he's dogsitting, reminding MFD to pack underwear, ripping new assholes at Wells Fargo for their incompetence, paying September's bills, doing laundry, packing, and all the other trollish pre-vacation duties. It will all be worth it when we get the rock out of here first thing on Wednesday morning. I need a break from a lot of things.

So I must bid you adieu in advance. Au revoir, bitches. Stay pretty.

Desperately seeking a time out,

SMD

p.s. This morning I saw a large man on the corner of 16th & Market with a fucked up eye, smudged eye glasses, hair that resembled a chia pet, and a stained shirt that read "I play. I vote. I like guns." Is it Tuesday at 5 yet?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I'll take You're a Weinerwhistle for $2,000 please, Alex


Dear Trebek:

I have a love/hate relationship with Jeopardy. Jeopardy itself is engaging. You are a fartface.

You are the HOST of Jeopardy. You are not a contestant who knows all the answers. You are not buzzing in. You are simply reading the answers off of a card someone gave to you. So when a contestant answers incorrectly, there is no need to be a smug asshole about it. Your know-it-all, superior attitude is baseless and grating.

Stop it. And also, suck on it.



Regards,

SMD

p.s. Just because your job calls for you to sometimes say words in other languages doesn't mean you are fluent in said language so lay off the insane accents.
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