In the midst of a life are the things that must be done: the cleaning, meal planning, cooking, bill paying, yard work. Sometimes we find solace in these things - I like a clean home and I am tickled pink when I've organized the shit out of something - but the fact of the matter is that these are typically the things that must be done that no one really wants to do.
Traditional gender roles have women doing the cooking, cleaning, and shopping, while men do the yard work, bill paying, and auto maintenance. The fact is that gender roles have changed tremendously over the past few decades. When both people are working full time, no one can take full responsibility for running the home. Even stay at home moms or dads should not be expected to bear all of the responsibilities of the household. It's too much. It has to be shared.
In our house, I do the hausfrauing, shopping, cooking, scheduling, and bill paying. MFD does the yard work, takes out the trash, and does some chores. I will sometimes hear him yell up from the basement, "Powder room is cleaned!" Or down from the top floor, "I cleaned up the green room!" My typical response is always, "Do you want an award?" Then he laughs or gets huffy. I know other husbands do this too, the grand announcements. And I often see women praising their partners for doing ordinary tasks or for taking care of the kids. I find myself doing it sometimes.
Then I ask myself, why are we giving people accolades for doing housework in houses that they live in and dirty up, or for taking care of kids that they helped create? I neither expect nor ask for recognition when I clean a toilet.
Don't get me wrong, I am all about showing appreciation for my spouse and what he does in our household and life to make things better. That's important in any relationship. I'm grateful for his contributions and he's very appreciative of mine, and we pat each other on the back for various things, especially when the other one goes above and beyond. But I also expect his contributions. He lives here. He is responsible for maintaining this house just as much as I am. Similarly, if we had kids, he'd be responsible for raising and entertaining them just as much as I would be. I do not get all that thrown on me just because I have boobs. So there are no trophies for toilet cleaning in this house. It needs to be done so it gets done.
I think the men and women of my generation are further along in the sharing of duties than previous generations. i know many men who are the cooks or who handle the child care. With that being said, I think we have a long way to go. We're all complicit in this, me included. MFD is a good cook, but I've made the kitchen my arena. I'm sure he'd cook more often if I didn't box him out in there. Likewise, sometimes there's a mountain of trash and I'm sure he'd like me to help him put it out, but I can get prissy about trash removal because I don't consider it my job.
The important thing is to find the balance in your home - no one wants to feel like they're responsible for everything. You have to share the load in a way that makes sense to you.
No person should feel put upon - if you need your partner to do more, you have to ask them to do more. If you don't ask, then that's your fault. I think women are guilty of complaining about doing everything, but they don't actually work out a better plan for their partner to share the load. You can't just say, "I need you to do more," and not be specific. What do you need? Make a list. Communicate.
I can't discuss gender roles without touching on the most hated word in all the land. For the record, asking someone to do something is not nagging. Nag is a total asshole word, and you can't find an image of it on the googles that's not inferring that all women are nags. It's a word men fall back on when they're pissed off about being reminded of something they said they would do and did not do. No one asks me to do my daily chores - I know they need to get done so I do them. Here's a tip - don't make someone ask you to do something ever, let alone 10 times. Then you won't feel nagged. Problem solved! Boom.
How do you deal with the division of labor in your home?
My thoughts are with the people of Oklahoma. Go to www.redcross.org to donate.
p.s. Tuesday sucks.
p.p.s. Thanks to Angi at
Into the Forest Dim for my new sidebar button! Now you can take me with you. Just don't put me in your pocket, I'm claustrophobic.
