Friday Five: Grumpy Cat version

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You know when there's a thing that a lot of people love and you're sitting there like Grumpy Cat going, no? Here are some of my Grumpy Cat things.

1. Fireworks. Unless they're at Disney or out of the hearing range of my dogs, no thanks. 

2. Summer. Heat and humidity; the stench of BO, hot pee, and hot garbage in the city; shedding dogs; etc etc. I like a lot of things about every season, summer included, but I stopped yearning for it when I no longer had the whole thing off. I can totally wait for summer. 

3. Scary movies. If I have to watch one you'll have to check me into a mental institution when it's over and I will curse you and haunt you for the rest of eternity. 

4. (Insert Holiday) Charlie Brown! Charlie Brown is a total whiner who grates on my nerves. And he hangs out with assholes, too. 

5. Bob Marley. Bob Marley songs make me feel like what I imagine an uptight, ultra conservative old republican man must feel like almost every day: filled with rage at nothing in particular except the fact that people are enjoying life around him, and prepared to take it out on everyone.

Other popular things I don't give two shits about:
-Toms shoes
-Tory Burch anything
-Chevron
-Harry Potter
-Taylor Swift and crossover country
-Acting like you hate facebook
-perfect backgrounds in photos

What are some popular things you dislike?

Taking a page out of US Mag.

This post is modeled after US Magazine's column 25 Things You Don't Know About Me...only they use famous people and I am not famous. Discuss amongst yourselves if reading US makes me shallow, vapid, and part of the problem with pop culture.

Andplusalso, everyone on my facebook newsfeed is all "Fa la la la la my house is fully decorated for Christmas, welcome Santa and tiny baby Jesus in your golden fleece diaper, we are so ready for you" and I'm all, "It's December 1, I have no kitchen, my entire house is chaos from this kitchen remodel, everything is dirty with a fine layer of drywall dust, early darkness makes me want to be a slug like Randy from A Christmas Story and lay on the couch not moving, and I feel stabby because I know Clark Griswold will be making a grand mess decorating the shit out of the house on December 22 since we're hosting a Christmas Open House."

Ahem. Back to the 25 things.

1. I don't like to run out of anything. My house is always stocked with at least one backup of everything, specifically canned goods, paper products, and cleaning tools. Relax, it's not like extreme couponer stock piling. I have one extra mustard, not 173. I get this fear of running out of something from my mom's side of the family. If there is ever any type of disaster and you can't get food from a store, we could live off of my pantry for a while. And clean.

2. My handwriting looks like a serial killer's. I was advised not to address any of my wedding correspondence, and I have carried that over to my Christmas cards. Thank you Michelle for your label making prowess and always taking care of me when you do yours. Laura, I am waiting for you to come over and re-label all of my shoeboxes with your P-Touch since my handwriting makes you cringe.



Ted Bundy? Did you write this?

3. I prefer cold beverages.

4. When I am concentrating or exercising, my tongue is always out. When I was little, I took gymnastics at Joel Baba and they constantly told me I was going to bite my tongue off. I quit gymnastics for unrelated reasons.

5. I prefer lukewarm or cold food (even if it's supposed to be served hot) and I put salt on everything without tasting it first.

6. I love the laughing Buddha. I have a bunch of them throughout my house.

7. One of my favorite toys as a child was a girl doll that I called The Boy. It is a frightening and awful doll that lives in our spare bedroom. I can't throw it away. Caveat: MFD suggested this one. This doll legitimately scares me as an adult, I dislike dolls anyway and this one looks like it was resurrected from Pet Sematary. I took a picture of The Boy against my better judgement. If this haunts me, we know who will pay.

Please don't come alive at night and kill us in our sleep, The Boy.

8. I don't like the top of my toes to be touched.

9. I love to sing along to the sweet sounds of the grocery store soundtrack even though I have an awful singing voice.

10. I'd rather be at the shore than anywhere else in the world. However, I disagree vehemently with paying for beach tags. This land is your land, this land is my land. I'd rather pay a fee to enter town.

11. Sometimes I reply "Your mother" to any question someone asks me, then I laugh like a maniac. Every time.

12. I don't do math.

13. I don't give a rat's ass about the NFL or NBA. The salaries and insane celebrations they participate in after doing what they are paid one zillion dollars to do really chaps my ass.

14. When I get really frustrated, I cry.

15. I love how heels look, but am past the age of caring to wear them. They kill my feet and it's not worth it.

16. I don't eat beets, coconut, very spicy foods, Indian food, bread or rice pudding, or overcooked meat.

17. I can't function in chaos. I need to create order. Naturally, I like my pantry neat, but not Sleeping with the Enemy neat.

18. I've never broken a bone or gotten stitches aside from my wisdom teeth.

19. I often think in song lyrics to describe things. If a night is very starry, "we drove out to the desert just to lie down beneath this bowl of stars" will pop into my head immediately.

20. I only watch Channel 6 - Action News.

21. I love mosaic glass and would have it all over my house if I could do so without coming off like a crazy glass-whore version of Miss Havisham.

22. I name all of my cars. My first car was Wheeza (Ouiser from Steel Magnolias). My current car is the fabulous Kelly Taylor.

23. I carry two cell phones. I am not a friend of Jason Bourne. I don't have unlimited texting on my work phone, and that is my preferred method of communication.

24. I adore quotes. In junior high I started quote notebooks, and I wrote in them through college. I still have them. I believe I spent 97% of my ninth grade biology class crafting my notebook.

25. It was hard to compose this list.

Inching towards grinching,

SMD

p.s. Thank you MFD for bearing the brunt of this kitchen bullshit.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

I'm not talking about private parts, dirty birds.

I'm talking about pet peeves. Things that piss you off.  Most people love to talk about their peeves because it's fun to agree with others about things that really chap your ass and fill your pockets with rage.

Here are mine:

1. Wet pant hems.

2. Repeating. When others do it, or when I have to do it.

3.In the home: shower curtains left open, unmade beds, full trashcans, no ice.

4. Whining.

5. Waiting.

                                                                                                                                         

6. Entitlement.

7. Starbucks sizing. I go in for Pumpkin Spice Lattes three times a year, and I always smile widely and say medium or large, because I don't live in an alternate universe in which a not served anywhere coffee cup size (8 oz) = short, a small coffee = Tall, a medium coffee = Grande, and a large coffee = Venti.


8. Repetitive noise. Specifically tapping.

9. Multi-media: Having the TV and radio or two TVs tuned to different stations on at the same time makes me legitimately over the cuckoo's nest insane.

10. When I can't fast forward through commercials On Demand. I'm looking at you, ABC shows.

11. Dancing around issues. Do not blow smoke up my ass. Whatever it is, just say it.

12. Made up or butchered names for kids.While you CAN just throw a y in where an i or an e would be, you shouldn't. Really.

13. Dog owners who don't pick up poop. And people who are mean to dogs.

How could you be mean to them?

14. When I call customer service, enter my phone or account number via keypad, then the human representative asks me for it again. I don't feel like giving it to you again.

What are yours?

Happy Friday!
SMD

p.s. Bath & Body Works is running their buy 3 get 3 free sale, great for the holidays.
p.p.s. If you got The Body Shop Groupon a few weeks back, they are having buy 2 get 1 free or buy 1 get 1 half off. Great deal combined with your groupon!
p.p.p.p.infinitys. East Coasters, did you see this sky this morning? BEAUTIFUL!

Friday, I think I love you

TGIF, mofos. I'm not sorry to see this week go: week two of this wretched chest cold, three nights of all over body hives, two of my good friends laid parents to rest this week and I couldn't be there for either funeral, and it's been a disastrous week as a homeowner. I do not thrive in a chaotic or messy environment, so good day, week from hell. I SAID GOOD DAY.

Incidentally, that was the alternate title of my blog, isaidgoodday.com, but some wanker had it and stephaniesaysgoodday.com would mean that I was constantly referring to myself in the third person, which I'm rabidly opposed to. So, weinerwhistle weinerwhistle weinerwhistle.

Speaking of, this week's weinerwhistle award goes to Charlie Brown. I know I'm not popular for this, and I don't really care. Charlie Brown and Linus are weinerwhistles and Sally is a complete fool. I do like Snoopy, Woodstock and the music. Suck it, Great Pumpkin.

My Halloween weekend tips:
1. Have fun.
2. Be safe.
3. Don't dress up as a clown.
4. Don't have jello wrestling, it's a mess to clean up.
5. Don't chintz on candy for the children.
6. Don't bother trying to top me and MFD as Dog the Bounty Hunter & Beth from a few years back:

Favorite movie line of the week:

Hollywood, you're an asshole for remaking Footloose and Dirty Dancing. No reason.

Happy Halloween Weekend!

SMD

p.s. A spoke on my beloved Totes clear bubble umbrella broke yesterday. I had to stop at Kiddie Mart (What my Pop calls K-Mart) on the way home, and hark! They had a full rack of them. You rarely see them in stores. Hie thee to Kiddie Mart, people!

I Don't Get It - Volume II

More things I don't get, man.

1. The phrase "Just sayin'." Are you actually just saying it, or are you really doing it/thinking it/feeling it? The phrase's time has come to an end. I'm not just saying that. I really mean it.

2. When the weather turns from summer to those first crisp days of fall in October and people turn out in wool coats and gloves. No one has fleeces or lighter jackets? A heavier sweater and scarf are inadequate for 63 degree weather? Do their moms send them out like this in January?

3. Imma be.

Gus - Halloween 2006

4. Thinking dolls and stuffed animals are cute as an adult.

5. Consistently being late. We all have things that delay us when we're trying to get somewhere. Life is about adapting and constantly examining options and priorities - sometimes you can't do something or deal with an issue AND be on time. If it can wait, let it wait. Most things can wait. Don't keep your clients, colleagues, friends or family waiting. It's unprofessional and rude.

Set your clock earlier or something, fool.

6. How my entertainment center can be dusty immediately after I dust it. Why, household gods? Why?

TV tuned in to Investigation Discovery Channel.

7. These two.

8. The most recent upgrade to facebook. I can see what friends post on the walls of their friends that I don't know. Why would I want to be able to do this? Everyone likes to stalk a little bit but this is just a creeper's paradise, Zuckerberg.

9. The Real Housewives. I watch, but I don't understand. 

10. Why people think only lazy uneducated hippies understand Occupy Wall Street. I have a job and a mortgage. I bathe daily. I don't piss outside unless it is absolutely necessary. I don't understand the concept of not working every day or not washing every day, but I do understand people taking issue with  the American taxpayers bailing out the banks and other corporations and then being pissed off when the banks hike fees on the consumers and stop lending money to small businesses; and the CEOs of the banks and other corporations continue to make a zillion dollars and receive bonuses. That makes no sense to the OWS protestors, and I have to agree with them. Some of the OWS people are probably lazy assholes, some of them are pissing all over the walls of City Hall or storing their urine in bottles here in Philly...but some of them are exactly like me, and work their asses off and are getting squeezed by the tax man while huge corporations fuck off and are not held accountable for what they've done with the money lent to them from my taxes, and CEOs of companies that were bailed out flitter around on private jets.

I am annoyed with every member of my government, and I think they should all be called to the carpet and impeached. I'm sick of the politicking, the finger pointing, and the arguing over gay marriage and abortions while people lose their jobs and homes. Fix the fucking economy and let people worry about who they marry or if they carry a child. Hold people accountable for their lives. Cut the lifetime pensions and health benefits for elected officials - you serve your term(s) and you go, then you do something else. You don't continue to live off of the tax payers for eternity. Create jobs so the unemployed and the people on welfare can earn a living and provide for themselves. Fix the welfare system - it was designed to give people a leg up, not to be their income for years and years. 

Friday Tips: Phone Interviews

Dear faithful blog followers, all five of you:

When conducting a phone interview for a new job opportunity, please make sure to do it somewhere other than a shared bathroom on the floor you currently work on. Aside from having your coworkers possibly walk in on you interviewing for a new job, the shared bathroom poses other dangers to people like you.

If you refrain from interviewing for a new job in the bathroom, you don't have to whisper yell to a person you don't know (me), asking them not to flush the toilet. You also don't have to frantically clear your throat when that person (me again) does not heed your plea and flushes the toilet anyway in order to observe shared bathroom etiquette and be the opposite of an unsanitary dirtball. Your manufactured throat noises will not cover the roar and echo of a flushing industrial toilet.
Helpfully yours,

SMD

p.s. What the hell is wrong with people? Really.
p.p.s. **Oh happy day, 2:30 p.m. edit: I just spoke to a coworker who stopped off to use the lav before leaving the building for a meeting. She was also in on the interview. We shared a WTF discussion.

I Don't Get It - Volume I

Everyone has their things that they just don't understand. Here's Volume I of mine. Relax, enjoy!

1. People who jump into an almost closed elevator when other elevators will be available within seconds. The odds that whatever you're doing at wherever you're going involve you saving the world with seconds to spare are quite low. This is real life, not the movie Iron Man. Wait for the next elevator.

2. Non-voters. So, you don't care enough to go to the polls but think you should still have the right to bitch about the way things are, or that things will never change? It doesn't work that way. If you don't vote, I don't want to hear anything from you. Politicians are all the same, shit won't change, blah blah blah. Keep it to yourself. Of course it won't change when you're sitting in your house picking your nose on Election Day. Do you know how many people on this earth would kill to be able to vote on anything?

3. Confederate flags and nazi flags. In this day and age, really? You might as well wear a sign on your forehead that says "I'm ignorant. Uh duh."

4. Rat tails. I don't get them, but I absolutely love them. They make me wonder at the world and want to embrace those that think these hairdos are a good idea.  My brother Stephen wore one for a while. I was horrified yet secretly thrilled. His did not get to this length, but God how glorious would that have been?

5. Dirty houses. We all get lazy sometimes. Things pile up, overtime is required at work, sickness overtakes our homes. Cluttered and messy are different than dirty. I cannot comprehend why you'd pay a mortgage and then just let your house drown in dirt, dust and scum. I see "I'm too busy living to clean" quotes, and I call bullshit. Everyone is busy. I'll let you in on a secret: when you don't let it get bad, cleaning doesn't take long. If you have a doubt as to what funk and grotesqueness is living in your crumbs, dust, toilet rings, whathaveyou, please rush immediately to your computer and watch episodes of How Clean is Your House? These ladies mean business, and they are in the business of people not being pigs.

6. People who have to rush up and stand at the door before their stop on the train. Listen up, we're all getting off. If we file off seat by seat it'll be much more orderly and disembarkation will be quicker and we'll ALL get home faster. Nobody likes a butter!

7. When my hair feels dirty after I just washed it.

8. Why MFD rinses his dishes and places them nicely into the sink. Which is, coincidentally, right next to the dishwasher. The man uses a lot of dishes. One day, I lifted them out of the sink, put them on a tray, and put them outside on the stoop. He came in a few hours later laughing and said "I have to admit, that was good." Damn good, thank you.

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,

SMD

p.s. Dear Phillies: you will not be any better as a team than you are right now. Do this.
p.s.s. I woke up today and really thought it was Friday. That was a low blow.

The Fake Holy Will Roll You

This morning, I was heading towards the ticket area of Suburban Station when I heard "If my skin was pink like his you would not be accusing me of this!" The indignant shouter sounded very familiar. He went on to yell, "What are you, Egyptian? No one cares what you think!" Oh thank you tiny hypocrisy loving sweet baby Jesus, it WAS him! The 16th & Market preacher was being a  douche in the train station! And by a great stroke of luck, I was there to see it.

Holy roller tried to roll SEPTA out of cash.

When I got to the window, I had an enlightening conversation with the woman who helped me.

Me: That guy is crazy.

SEPTA lady: Oh I know it, we all know him, that's why two managers are over there. He goes from station to station telling us we shorted him change and owe him cash.

Me: GET OUT! You do know he preaches holiness and truth up on the street at 16th & Market, right?

SEPTA lady: Really? When?

Me: All day! You've got to get above ground.

SEPTA lady (over her shoulder): Rhonda, we got to get up to the street during break today. Crazy Man is a Street Preacher, telling everybody about their sins!

tra la la la la la la la la. I love witnessing hypocrisy. I can't wait until that mofo yells out about thiefs and sinners when I'm walking by, spittle flying out of his gross lying mouth. As the great Tennessee Williams once said, "The only thing worse than a liar is a liar who is a hypocrite."

Now, good day. I SAID GOOD DAY!

Hallelujiah and amen,

SMD

p.s. FRIDAY EVE. Thank you.

No longer on hiatus. Vacation Wrap Up.

Hello comrades. I'm still wrapped up in a post-vacation fog cocoon. I have no idea what's going on in the local or world news except that a) the Eagles still suck and b) the spies hiking on the Iranian border were released for a ransom. My house is a mess, my dogs need a bath, I'm behind on all of my blog reading, some new shows did not record on my DVR, my car is due for inspection, and I need to get back on the eat well/exercise program.

Some takeaways from vacation:

1. People have no concept of personal space at the pool, in lines, or in the bathroom. Listen up: if there are lots of empty chairs at the pool, don't sit down right next to someone. In line, do not stand so close that you are touching, breathing on, or palming the ass of the person in front of you. If the bathroom is not crowded, don't enter a stall right next to someone and then drop gunfire shits into the toilet.
2. How do people with kids do Disney? We don't have kids and we are sofackingtired.
3. People who work on cruise ships make pennies a month for salary and live off of their tips. If you receive good service, TIP WELL!
4. No matter how many days off I have in a row, I will always want more.

Vacation was seriously glorious. We did a three night cruise on the Disney Dream, with ports of call in Nassau, Bahamas, and Disney's private island Castaway Cay. Then we did a total ball breaker Disney trip. It was MFD's first time, so we ran our asses off to ensure he saw it all.

We also got upgraded from the Caribbean Beach to the Contemporary resort. Jillian Fischetti, you ROCK for getting that done, and also for the attention to detail to make sure Disney recognized and celebrated our first wedding anniversary both at sea and on land, and that MFD got special treatment for being a first time Disney visitor. You should earn money as a Disney ambassador. Your planning made the trip exceptional.

How awesome was the cruise? So awesome that we booked a 7 nighter on the Fantasy (launching in January) for next year before we even got off the ship. The service was attentive and impeccable, the ship was immaculate, the food was outstanding, the rooms were spacious, you can BYOB onto the ship, and for it being a Disney cruise, we really didn't encounter kids. The adult areas were awesome. We met great people and MFD was of course the mayor.

We swam with dolphins at Atlantis in Nassau. That was unreal. Dolphins are sleek, smart, beautiful, funny creatures. That was the highlight of the Nassau trip. Nassau itself was dirty and gross, and the beggars and sellers on the beach were awful. To me, the best view of Nassau was the sun over it as we were leaving. GOOD DAY!

Sayonara, Nassau.

I would like to live on Disney's private island of Castaway Cay, specifically Serenity Beach. After an hour long massage in a beach cabana, I sat my ass in a chair in the water for hours reading, sipping on a pina colava, and just relaxing. No one under 18 allowed on the beach, tons of shells to take home, a merry band of Cubans singing their asses off in the water. Totally amazing.

Castaway Cay from the ship.

This is what I did all day.

The other thing I loved about the boat: watching the sun rise and set every day over the ocean. It was fabulous and centering.

Disney was a whirlwind. If you hate Disney, stop reading now. Otherwise, this is the schedule we kept:

Sunday - Arrive at Caribbean Beach hotel at 11. Finally get in room after 1. Fight with people about rooms. Eat lunch, leave for Hoop Dee Doo Review at 5:30, arrive at Magic Kingdom at 10, stay for Magic Hours through 1, get back to room at 2, pack suitcases for the morning move until 3:15.

Monday  - Up for breakfast, move to the Contemporary. Magic Kingdom from 12 - 5:30. Anniversary dinner at a table by the window in the California Grill on top of the Contemporary. We ate with a view of Cinderella's Castle and watched the Magic Kingdom fireworks from the observation deck. Fantastic. We changed and headed to Hollywood Studios from 11 - 1 for Magic Hours.

Tuesday - Finally a day to sleep in! We did the pool in the morning, then Hollywood Studios in the afternoon. We ate at Mama Melrose and finished the night with Fantasmic. That was an absolutely amazing show. I'd never seen it before and it knocked my socks off. Nightswimming to cap off the night.

Wednesday - EPCOT! My favorite. Lunch at the biergarten in Germany, dinner at La Hacienda in Mexico. EPCOT Illuminations fireworks show.

Thursday - Animal Kingdom, my least favorite park. It was hot and crowded. We were there from 8 a.m. - 4, then hopped over to EPCOT where MFD and I bought all new outfits since we were soaking wet, then proceeded to drink and eat around the world in ponchos. It was a blast.

Friday - Pool in the morning, then back to Magic Kingdom for the last few things MFD didn't see. We were having a ball strolling along when I realized my watch was broken and an hour behind. We hauled ass back to make our airport shuttle and arrived back to our casa at 1 a.m.

It was a truly wonderful time, and I was already online looking at excursions for the cruise we're taking next year. I'm still seriously pooped. We celebrated the shit out of our first anniversary while we were away, so yesterday, on the actual day, we were too tired to eat out OR cook. We ordered Lee's Hoagies and ate the top tier of our wedding cake, which was still delicious.

Back to life, back to reality.

SMD

I'll take You're a Weinerwhistle for $2,000 please, Alex

Dear Trebek:

I have a love/hate relationship with Jeopardy. Jeopardy itself is engaging. You are a fartface.

You are the HOST of Jeopardy. You are not a contestant who knows all the answers. You are not buzzing in. You are simply reading the answers off of a card someone gave to you. So when a contestant answers incorrectly, there is no need to be a smug asshole about it. Your know-it-all, superior attitude is baseless and grating.

Stop it. And also, suck on it.

Regards,

SMD

p.s. Just because your job calls for you to sometimes say words in other languages doesn't mean you are fluent in said language so lay off the insane accents.

In the name of all that is holy, consult a grammar guide.

Particularly in these instances:

1. they're, there, their. They're putting their books right there.
2. your, you're. You're going to regret not bringing your umbrella.
3. lose, loose. You lose games. Your clothing is loose.
4. quite, quiet. The evening was quite quiet.
5. to, too. You're too nice to her.
6. Incorrect use of plural and possessive forms. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you are an offender. This drives me totally fucking insane. When you address something to people, it is The Smiths, not The Smith's. Your family's home can sleep 12, so a few families can stay there. Capisce? Possessive form of a noun indicates that the noun owns something, so if you use that apostrophe, the noun better be in possession of something.

7. Cutesy spellings. Nite. Lite. No.
8. The is a word that has no abbreviation. Da is not a form or abbreviation of the. Don't use it. I'm serious.

9. If you can type out gr8t, you can surely type out great. The same goes for 2 - it's just one keystroke less than to. R instead of are saves you 1.5 seconds. It also makes you look stupid. If you don't feel like typing out "shut the fuck up," abbreviate that in a text, not are/the/to. Carry on.

10. Compose texts and emails as if you're speaking out loud to someone. If you say it out loud and it's reminiscent of sounding out words when you learned to read, stop. Start again.

Take your time. Think about what you're saying. Express yourself intelligently. Make your kids do the same. When you're not sure how to write or spell something, look it up in a reference guide or on the world wide web.

You may now return to Hurricane Irene coverage and the corresponding facebook status updates.

Grammatically yours,

SMD