Merry Merry, people.

That photo of the dogs is a perfect depiction of what life is like in our house. 

From us to you - Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, Happy Kwanza, Happy December if you're celebrating nothing in particular this month. Peace and love to everyone out there missing someone extra hard during this time or feeling alone or lonely. 

I see you, Clarence. 

Remember, Show Us Your Books Favorite Reads of 2017 is Tuesday, December 26! See you back here for that. 

I found a magic wand in the street

When I wave it, whatever I’m thinking happens.

I use it to give: good and healthy food to those that are hungry, shelter to those without homes, flowing water to those without access to it, love to children who have been forgotten or abused, job opportunities to the masses, care to pets who have been cast aside, love of self to those who lack it, equality to all, freedom of choice to those who live under oppression.

I use it to take away: drugs on the corners, litter and graffiti from streets, demons from addicts, ignorance and fear from hearts, power from the corrupt, weapons from gangs and criminals, pain from those suffering from illnesses, depression from those under its thumb, laziness from those who are ruled by it, hopelessness from everyone and everything.

I use it to fix: the justice system, the education system, the welfare system, the US government, the potholes in Pottholevanyia/Pennsylvania.

I use it for selfish reasons: so my dogs live as long as I do, so the lives of my people are a little easier, so my house is white glove clean daily, so my bank account is filled, so unwanted weight is removed, so I own a shore house outright, so I never happen upon dishes left in the sink, so I have willpower when I need it, so I never see leggings being worn as pants in public.

Then I hand the wand to you and take a nap because that was a lot of waving. 

How do you use the magic wand?

All We Want For Christmas: From the Pugs

Everyone gets their shot at a Christmas Wish List...

I require the following. I'd prefer my desires to be granted today but if I must wait for Christmas, I will. I may pee on the curtains to show my displeasure, however. Fair warning. My wish list:

1. Total world domination.
2. Twenty-four hour a day access to the same food my humans are eating.
3. A weekend or 15 without my sister. And for her to have to wear silly costumes every day for my amusement.
4. For my parents to never go away on a trip. Ever. Then I won't have to pretend to be deaf for 3-10 days after they return home to make them feel guilty and terrible for not taking me with them. It's hard for me to remember I'm supposed to be deaf so they're doubly putting me out.
5. A world where no one tries to clean my ears.

1. Daily romps in our fields, Treat Lady's woods, or on the beach with tons of time to mark everything in my path. Geege was here! I say it with pee.
2. The freedom to hump the air or lick Gus's ears without getting scolded by my mother.
3. For my mother to stay home 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, so I can guard her and our home, following her everywhere and barking like a good guard does every time a person, dog, or car passes by. I am the Royal Guard and you shall not enter!
4. Fresh fruit at every meal.
5. A world where no one tries to take me to the vet.

1. A blinged out grill and some sweet hoodies.
2. A recording contract with Jay-Z. My Gremlin noises will be the next big hit in the music industry.
3. Endless scratches from my adoring fans.
4. For bullying my brothers and sitting staring in Gus's face waiting until he's done with his bone so I can steal it to be cool with everyone involved.
5. A world where no one tries to tell me where I can and can't sit. Yes, I can sit there and I WILL.

Peace out and happy Christmas Eve Eve on behalf of the dogs.

You might also enjoy this blog post by Geege, this blog post by Gus, and the most popular - Mae's blog post.

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Haikuesday

Dog blogs: I like them.

Dogs want stuff for Christmas too.

For real. I asked them.

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I would be remiss if I didn't wish you all a Happy Festivus today.

Christmas Pipe Dream Wish List

I've seen a lot of wish lists on blogs over the past month. Tis the season to put all your wishes out there, right? My list is not as simple as an awesome mug or sparkly flip flops. These are things I really want but things I know I'm not going to get.

Things like...

*Four day work weeks and three day weekends or European company vacation time at American companies

*A lifetime supply of Sanuks

*Canada's maternity policy for American families

*Equal pay for equal work across the board

*For no one to stop dead in the middle of a walkway or doorway like they own it

*For a consenting adult of sound mind to be able to marry whoever they want

*For no one to be hungry or without clean water or shelter

*An overhaul of the welfare, justice, and education systems in America

*A cure for childhood cancer. Cancer is a douche warlord in general, but childhood cancer destroys me.

*Term limits for all politicians - 5 years of service and you're out. Politics should not be a career.

*A good, safe, loving home for all children

*A huge fenced in farm and the funds to operate it so I can house all the unwanted and mistreated dogs out there.

*An end to multi-media and people playing MFing videos when TV or radio is on or having radio and TV on simultaneously. It is annoying as fuck and it must stop.

*For vaginas not to be political agenda items

*Less need to be right and more of a need to understand and be understood worldwide

*Teleportation abilities

*Peace on earth, the biggest pipe dream of all. People have been fighting over power, greed, religion, control, land, money, and resources since the beginning of time and it will continue on until the end of time unless we start evolving a lot more quickly. Still, it's nice to dream.

I could go on forever but it's Friday and I have shit to do. Come sit on my lap and tell me what's on your far out wish list.

Thanksgiving Wishes

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends. Does anyone else find Thanksgiving to be a good day for introspection?

I have many wishes for all of you today - that you feel love if you're spending this holiday alone, that you feel camaraderie if you're spending this day with others, that you're keenly aware and grateful for your blessings large and small today and every day, and most of all that you each experience a moment of serene stillness in your soul today that allows you to take a deep breath and realize you are enough.

Your strengths, your weaknesses, your talents and your deficiencies...they all balance out and add up to enough.*

When you embrace the concept of enough, you don't have to cling so hard to your strengths, be ashamed of your weaknesses, feel guilty about your abundant talents, or inadequate in the face of your deficiencies. There's a feeling of wholeness that's comforting and invigorating all at the same time.

Out of everything, that's what I wish most for you today. To know you are enough. And to know that enough is better than perfect any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

E-card of the week, because it's Thursday and that's what happens here on Thursday. To my fellow freaks who don't like their food touching:

Happy Thanksgiving. Peace, love, and turkey.
 *As long as you're not an evil criminal who hurts others, of course. Serial killers, this is not meant for you.

Linking up with Kristin and Joey for Stuff & Things

Closed today on account of marriage

These two are getting married today. My brother Stephen and his long-time girlfriend Aubrey.

I love Aubrey. Which, as we all know, is not a given when someone marries into our framilies. I can't even make any schmaltzy now we're family statements. They've been together for 12 years, same as me and MFD. Aubrey and I have been family. I'm excited to stand up as a bridesmaid today when they make it official. She will be a stunning bride who will light up the room.

The four of us over 12 years ago in July 2002. 

The four of us a week ago today, Nov 7 2014

This little boy, six years younger than me, nemesis and intruder on my only child status in his early years, tormenter and source of gross boy smell in his adolescent years, lifeline in some hard times (his, mine, and ours), and one of the people I love the most in life...he's getting married today. Cue sentimental me. I expect to have some tears.

It is a wedding, after all.

I love wedding days. The beauty, the details, the hoopla, the show, the attire, the music, the food, the dancing, and the happy. All the happy.

I send a million good thoughts to the couple and hope a lot of hopes for them.

I hope day of hopes, like I hope they look around and really appreciate this wedding day that will fly by, that they take a few minutes to themselves to be all oh shit we're married!, that they always feel the support of the people who were here to witness them saying their vows, that they don't feel too rushed, that their pictures turn out awesome, and that they really enjoy this day.

Then I hope lifelong hopes, like I hope they know that a bad day personally or as a couple doesn't mean a bad life, that they know commitment will carry them through when the love and even the like isn't there, that they recognize their job as their partner's support and encouragement system is now the most important job in their life.

Then I take a zillion photos, have some apps, and go to the bar and get some free drinks. Today is my 11th and final appearance as a bridesmaid. This old broad is retired. I'm going out with a bang.

Cheers to love, cheers to weddings, and cheers to two people who I love very much on their wedding day.

Cheers to my dear friend Melissa on her birthday. Thanks for being real, always speaking the truth, listening when I need someone to listen, always supporting me, and being a lot of fun. 

Cheers to Friday, and cheers to you. 

In 35 days, I will be 35.

I just thought you should know.

Happy Thursday. May the golden gods of work smile benevolently down upon you, giving you a productive yet speedy day. If you're off from work, please consider bringing me a coffee from Dunkin Donuts. The line was too long this morning.

Also, I want this hat.

Toodleoo mes amis,

SMD

p.s. Thank you MFD for cleaning off and warming up my car this morning. Doing those things myself makes me an angry troll.

Oh, perfect world.

Obviously, in a truly perfect for ME world, I'd be rich beyond comparison and able to spend my time volunteering and reading on the beach. Besides that, I think a perfect world would be one in which...

Food & Drink
Pizza, pasta, cheese, butter, pies, ribeye steaks, hotdogs, Doritos, and ice cream treats would be the no-cal extremely healthy super foods. Brown rice would be the worst possible food you could eat.

Blah

Wine, beer and booze would have no calories, and drinking them would not impair your ability to drive or trigger any asshole genes in anyone.

The Human Condition and Governance
No one would be hungry, dirty, abused, neglected, illiterate, forgotten, lonely, dealing with cancer, or without shelter.

All children would be safe and loved, and no parent would lose a child before their time.
There would be no lazy assholes living off the system.

White men would not rule everything. There truly would be equality for all races, creeds, genders, and sexual orientations. Under this also falls: equal pay for equal work, no legislation on wombs, and no limit to who can marry who as long as the union is age appropriate and both parties are willing.

Violent crime including rape, murder, and child molesting wouldn't exist.

Marijuana is legal, mmkay?

Government officials would turn blue when they told a lie, which they'd only be able to do for a maximum of four years. Welcome to term limits, bitches. Oh, and no more health insurance and pensions for eternity while average Americans pay their own insurance and build their own retirement funds. While you might not like to admit it, that is also being a lazy asshole living off of the system.

Asshole Island would be a place where perpetual asshole ruiners would be sent to make each other miserable and leave the rest of us alone. Alternate name: Island of Misfit Toys - Peters, Lil and I use this one. I was introduced to Asshole Island by my friend Sylvia. I have to say I like it. Asshole is one of my favorite words.

Welcome to Asshole Island. Enjoy your life here, Asshole. 

Work
Work weeks would be four days, weekends three.

Standard American vacation time would be four weeks off to start, as well as a week of sick time. And all of the bank/school holidays.

Everyone would be off from December 23 - January 2. I'm sorry, as the wife of a mummer I must demand this. The last week of late nights and extra practices kill the energy of everyone in the house, not just the one mumming. I need my rest.

Personal
My nose would never run.

I'd be able to eat and drink whatever I wanted and be healthy and trim.

I'd be the mistress of a shore compound in Strathmere and make a living writing novels about assholes who have moved away to Asshole Island.

Dog hair would disintegrate when it fell off of dogs.
My dogs would live as long as I did so there was never a day when I didn't come home to them howling with pure joy, Geege running in circles yipping and Gussie bringing me a toy.

90210 (the original) would air continually until I died. Those bastards would never age, Donna would never cease to look like a snail, Kelly would never choose between Brandon and Dylan, Brenda would never stop throwing hissy fits, Valerie would continue to be a conniving asshole, and they'd all be on the show at the same time. Exceptions: I want Steve to have a huge bald spot, and I want Andrea Zuckerman to look her real age while everyone else stays young. Also, Noah shouldn't speak.

I'd never get a zit again.

Clown costumes and horror movies wouldn't exist.


My work attire would be yoga pants, sneakers, and a super soft shirt.

Day dreaming,

SMD

p.s. it's only Tuesday? For the love of God.
p.p.s. Thank you Shelby Cohen of this blog for pointing out something I forgot - everyone should have their birthday off.