1. Shit MFD has done this week: Taken Mae into Wawa. Bought king size Twizzlers for a road trip like we'll be traveling in the Willy Wonka mobile. Put ketchup on his hotdog...you are with someone for 19 years, you think you know them, then one Tuesday night they calmly put ketchup on their hotdog and you are questioning a lot of things. MUSTARD ONLY! Mustard only. Our friend group is fiercely divided. Which side are you on?
2. Sunsets have been meh this summer - like around 6 there seems to be a layer of cloud that takes up residence closer to the horizon and the sunset is washed out or a lack of clouds anywhere in the sky which to me leads to the least interesting sunrises and sunsets. Tuesday night's was amazing though.
3. I crammed a desk and desk chair into our tiny shore apartment because my body could not take working from the couch anymore. Bruce, who normally sits on top of the couch cushions (see last photo), has used this time to explore a future in nude modeling for dogs.
4. Speaking of work, two things: a) yesterday was my 13th anniversary with my company and b) I have no external deadlines this week for the first time in quite a while so I've been a whole ass person, easing into my mornings, taking lunch breaks, and doing things at night that involve logging off at 5. Like going to the beach and seeing sunsets and creeping on other people's flowers.
5. In case you've not spoken with me face to face, I sound like this:
6. I'm down with my body, my choice being applied across the spectrum. If you don't want to get a vaccine, don't get one. You don't want to wear a mask, don't. I'm also down with unvaccinated and unmasked by choice people not being allowed entry into restaurants, bars, entertainment venues, stores, schools, work places. There's something going around the internet this week that explains it well, and I'm paraphrasing here but it's basically this: Being denied service or entry for something you can change is called a rule, which is a standard that goes against your sense of convenience. Example: no shirt, no shoes, no service; jacket or collar required in restaurant; must wear shoes in a factory. Being denied service or entry for something you cannot change is called prejudice, which is a standard that goes against your humanity. Example: being Black, gay, having a disability. The latter is a violation of your rights. The former is not. Don't get your poor choices twisted.
7. Believe women even when the politician going down for being a gross sexual harasser is on your own side of the aisle. Andrew Cuomo must resign immediately and fuck off out of here. He does not belong in a position of power anywhere.
8.Show Us Your Books is Tuesday. I've been surfing a swell of meh books. I hope that's not the same for you.
9. Reminder:
10. Ecards:
A mini one, but still. What's new with you?
Happy birthday to my college roommate Jody!
What appears beyond the hyphen in Thursday Thoughts titles is what I'm listening to or most recently heard when I'm starting this - this week is Both Sides, Now by Joni Mitchell while listening to Ina Garten's Road Trip playlist
Today I turn 44, tossing a wink and both middle fingers in the air toward society’s attempts to make aging women feel like we lose relevance and vitality with every added gray, pound, line, year.
No matter what I do, try, or buy, I’ll never weigh what I did at 15. My face will never look as fresh as it did at 16. My hair will never be the uniform color it was at 18.
I don’t want to look like I did at 15, 16, or 18. Every day I’m on this earth I become more myself. I sink deeper into her. I want to look like her too.
Many people do not get the privilege of aging so I’m not walking back a second of it. I don’t want to erase the years I’ve lived that are written across this body which has carried me through this world so carefully since I was born a Tuesday child in March 1977 when the daffodils were up early in my Gamma’s yard.
Youth is great. It is for trying on a bunch of things, thinking you are invincible and have all the time in the world, being wrong over and over again while thinking you’re right every time. But just like I wouldn’t go back to re-live it, I’m not wasting an iota of energy in my 40s chasing what I looked like 25 years ago. I’m not trading who I am now and all the wonderful things the years have brought me (or the wisdom when what the years brought was not too fucking wonderful) for unlined skin. I love getting older. The alternative is not attractive.
I want to be healthy, hydrated, and moisturized. Like everyone, I have appearance preferences when it comes to myself. I have not used a hair dryer in going on 10 years. I wear what I’m comfortable in. I love how lipstick looks. I don’t do face makeup. I prefer solo walking. I want to always be strong enough to get up off the toilet without assistance in my old age. I like having my hair colored and my nails painted. I do those things for me. Whatever you do regarding your appearance and how your body functions, I hope you do it because it makes you feel good in your skin or provides you with a health benefit - not because you feel like you have to to be worthy of something in this life, or like the only beauty and relevance is beauty and relevance in proximity to youth, or like your appearance is more important than what’s in your head, heart, and soul. It’s not.
I am a 100% believer that you look your best when you FEEL your best, regardless of what your actual appearance is at that time. I look my best
When I’m sitting in a loose circle on the beach with people I love, nowhere to be but there, sun warm on my skin, head thrown back laughing
When I’m walking around taking pictures of things that catch my eye
When I’m watching my dogs run ahead of me on the beach
When I’m walking with my head down trolling for shells and other treasures
When I’m outside for Magic Hour
When I’m traveling and overwhelmed in the best way with what’s in front of and around me
When I’m alone in my car, windows down, sunroof open, music loud, singing like it’s my job, driving too fast
When I’m slunk down low in a chair on the porch unaware of anything but the book I’m reading
When I’m saying what needs to be said or standing up for what is right
When I’m riding my bike on the boardwalk
When I sit back immediately after painting my nails
When it’s my birthday and I’m not working
In most of my feeling best instances my hair is probably wild, there’s probably a coffee stain on my shirt, I definitely have dog hair all over me, I may or may not have showered, 98% of the time there are sunglasses. You get the picture. But I feel good.. I am happy. That looks better than anything I can slather on my face.
I could write for days about how the world ushers aging women toward the wings just as we come more into our own power and how society attempts to shrink women and reduce them to their appearance because if we spend our time, money, and mental energy fighting the inevitable aging process, we’ve got very little left to give to making true, lasting, substantive change to the state of women in the world because we’re too tired at the end of the day. If we used the same energy we have for unearthing wrinkle erasers toward a massive strike until we are a society that values women’s safety and autonomy more than protecting men’s fragility when challenged in a patriarchal system that supports violence, we might actually see a world where any woman anywhere can walk home at any time of day or night without fear because we stopped the world until it was so.
But it’s my birthday so I’ll spare you the rest of my feminist manifesto.
Happy Monday! I’ll be off doing whatever the fuck I want. Beware the Ides of March.
2. Witness my camera getting shittier as apple wants me to update my phone.
3. I still have a cold and fatigue which makes it hard to get things done at home and I'm tired of a lot of shit right now including tired of being physically tired, blowing my nose, and coughing. Also, why can I smell nothing except urine in the street and my own sweaty feet after walking all over the city in velvet Toms? Like if you have to not be able to smell things, let’s not be able to smell those things for sure.
4. All I've managed to do consistently this week is work because everything is hurtling forward toward next Friday when many people are peacing out. I've worn Doc Martens twice and someone asked me if they still sold them. LOL forever. Yes. Yes they do.
5. I am in the process of updating like over 500 blog posts that dropped the signatures off of them. One of them contains the recipes my mom uses for Christmas cookies which I share every year. I can't find it, so here they are again:
Granny’s Sugar Cookies
1C butter
2C sugar
2 eggs
4C flour
4TSP baking powder
1TSP salt
1TSP vanilla
Combine. Refrigerate. Roll and cut out. Bake at 375 for 8-10 minutes.
Mom’s Molasses Cookies
3&3/4C flour
1TSP baking soda
1/2TSP salt
4TBS unsweetened cocoa powder
3TSP cinnamon
2TSP allspice
2 sticks butter, softened
1C sugar
1 egg
1/2C molasses
Sift dry ingredients together. Cream butter and sugar together. Add egg. Add molasses and stir well. Combine with dry ingredients. Refrigerate dough for at least 2 hours. Roll and cut out. Bake at 350 for 8 minutes. Can be iced with sugar icing or topped with sprinkles.
6. I’m working from home today and at lunch I’m hoping to get my dining room table cleared of the shit that has been strewn across it for what feels like months.
7. Right about now is when I start thinking I don’t have everything for Christmas.
8. Kudos to Finland, and Megan Rapinoe, and Greta Thunberg, and the USWNT. Fuck yeah, ladies. No kudos to the bully in chief who cyber shit on Greta before and after this cover. He'll go away at some point, but the people who support his behavior will remain and that's the real problem - don't lose sight of that. Double down on rooting misogyny, racism, and hypocrisy out of your personal life - there's no place for it means there's no fucking place for it, period - and triple down on Senate races in 2020. You don't win those, nothing matters. Vote and talk about voting and drive people to vote and you get the picture.
9. Reminder:
10. Ecards.
Happy birthday to Meem, yesterday. And today would be my Gamma's birthday!
1. Stunner of a fall foliage scene I saw yesterday when taking headshots out in a little urban park off Chestnut Street. Philly, you're looking amazing.
2. The Christmas Village is set up in LOVE Park though, rushing Thanksgiving right through.
3. When I go to the Philly library to pick up my books on hold, I always check out what my neighbor with the same last name has on hold. We have very similar taste in books which I think is cool and I feel like leaving a note saying hey do you ever check out my books but I read a lot of books on creepy people and I don't want to be the creep in someone else's facebook status so I refrain. This is what they have on hold this week.
4. Never let me hear this shit uttered ever again by anyone who is breathing during this time of daily man fits. Jim Jordan looking more like a charlatan preacher making the rounds in the dust bowl, putting on a show to take money from the poor in exchange for empty promises than a congressional representative during impeachment hearings. Man alive. It’s outrageous.
5. MFD bought me this needlepoint of my birthday twin for Christmas and gave it to me on November 20. LOL I love it though, and also it's much more exciting than what we're getting for Christmas this year, which is a new bathroom door.
6. I spent last night with my longtime friend (since first grade) and hairstylist for the past 15 years, Kristi. We talked books and addiction and tried to remember people's names based on very little facts and it was nice as always. This is poor lighting but it's the blondest I've ever been save that unfortunate orange blond from my college years.
9. Reminder: If you feel something is lacking, remember you won't usually find it in things.
10. Ecards.
I gave myself 25 minutes to write this and ring that bell, I did it...despite having to restart my computer and collect towels from three floors and put them in the laundry. Huzzah.
Congratulations! Your BFF/sister/work wife/ insert close proximity person here is pregnant and you're going to be an aunt! But first, you're going to be a solid support system to the pregnant person.
See her
Ask how she is and how she's feeling of course, but over everything else don't lose sight of her as a person, not just an expectant mother. Go see her and bring a gift suitable for her temporary change of circumstance, bring some snacks, and bring some chill.
Bring food
There can be cravings, getting hangry is more dangerous than ever before, and summoning the energy to make food can be difficult. Help a sister out by getting mail order food gifts, so she doesn’t have to take care of it, or stopping by to cook a meal for everyone or drop off a pre-made meal every now and then. I usually do that after the baby is born, but before is helpful too if you can swing it.
Celebrate her
As one of the closest women in her life, contribute to the baby shower bash that she’ll be having at some point. If you are not the chief planner, find out who is and offer your services to make food or favors or arrangements or take photos or set up/clean up/decorate, or whatever the chief organizer needs.
Reassure her
It’s not just a myth. Baby brain has been proven real and feeling forgetful can impact a mom to be's self-esteem. You’re there to offer a guilt-free, understanding zone, and a helping hand when she forgets something. No questions asked.
Listen up
Don't be dismissive or talk down to someone when she’s worried about something pregnancy related. Listen as she navigates the difference between Braxton Hicks contractions and real labor. Help her find the answers when she’s not certain if everything is normal or encourage her to get in touch with the doctor or midwife.
If it’s her first pregnancy and she’s feeling a little stressed about being unprepared as the big day approaches, be a sounding board for her birth plan. Be her sounding board period, like you would in any circumstance. Just with a little more oomph because she might need a little more oomph from you.
Other tips for being a solid support system to framily through pregnancy?
You know who I don't care to hear weigh in on the #metoo movement, and how far is to far, and all that it entails?
Men.
Do I know a lot of great men? A lot of feminist men even if they don't call themselves feminists? Men who believe in the equality and advancement of women? Men who are allies in general and personally, men I love?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
I still don't want to hear men opine on #metoo or anything associated with it.
The world has been hearing from men since the dawn of fucking time. Men have gained power through violence and force and used the same to hold that power all this time until they no longer need the power and force in every day situations, but retain the space and place and entitlement and privilege. White people in general and white men in particular have rarely come upon a scenario in which they think their opinion is unnecessary. Just my two cents. I have a right to speak. We all have opinions.
True true.
Here's an opinion: keep your two cents in your pocket, recognize that the world will continue to spin without you adding your opinion to a topic, speaking with an authority that's been ingrained in you over thousands of years but is completely unearned, especially when it comes to the lived experiences of women.
Re: Joe Biden, #metoo, etc., we women don't all agree with each other. And we never will. I don't need you swimming around in there, mansplaining and opining and pooping in the pool, obscuring us from each other as we work through how a gender is treated by the world as something to control and possess and use at will and how that stops in our time.
We grew up in different times and in different classes, with different skin color and different religions. Our experiences vary tremendously. We have different boundaries - some we were taught to have, some we fought hard to have, some we had to learn we were allowed to have because the world in which we grew up told us we were not. We can handle different things, care about different things, take offense at different things. We suffer certain known hardships to different degrees, especially when it comes to race and class. We grew up in a patriarchal system too, just like men did, and the patriarchy would not still be standing if not for women foot soldiers and women who put whiteness or economics over other women. Our experiences are not the same but our liberation is bound up in each other. Let us talk it out and fight it out and forge a world where the girls who are five right now aren't doing the same thing 25 years from now.
We don't need male overseers or guidance. You don't have to just jump in real quick to point something out. You don't need to opine. We don't need you to agree with us in order to validate what we're saying. What we think and feel is important regardless of if we're your wife or daughter or sister or mother. I'm not sure if you know you can support people silently, but you can, if that is your true intention. Otherwise, shut up.
Women have been dealing with this shit for eternity. It has been happening in varying degrees from cat calling to hair sniffing to unwanted advances to harassment/stalking/assault/murder since the dawn of time because children are not taught the same boundaries and behavior has been excused that should not be excused and boys will be boys right andhere we are in a world where we're not deterred from electing a man who believes he can just grab women by the pussy and what's the big deal if someone put a hand on your ass that you didn't want there and UGH guys can't do anything anymore and by the way women do things too and lie and and and...fuck. This is a fine fucking mess. A mess through which men have held most positions of power, made most laws, shaped most media, ruled on most court cases. Forgive me if I don’t think men are the ones who will get us out of this mess.
There's no shoving this monster back in the box, so we're going to cut it off at the head. Not sorry if how that's going down in 2019 means you can't do and say whatever you want to women anymore and will have to learn to recognize the individual boundaries of the women in your life. Is she okay with a hand on her ass, you sniffing her hair when you don't have that type of relationship, if she's cool with sticking with traditional gender roles or if your household will have to run differently? I don't know. Ask her, not me. We're different. And do ask, friends. Consent happens all along the spectrum.
Right about now we're poised on the precipice of a major shift in social consciousness - a chance for us to collectively approach old behavior in a new way with new consequences and new lines that we draw and are in charge of - and we can do that on our fucking own. Are there women out there who want you to weigh in? Absolutely - like I've said a few times, we are not all the same and don't have the same boundaries and experiences. You go ahead and weigh in with them. Do I want to think about what you think about Bernie or Joe and anything they've done and how the #metoo movement is changing things and poor men who might be accused of something they didn't do and what about our sons and why are white men being attacked? No. I fucking don't.
If you want to do something constructive, work on your own self. Read without commenting. Listen and absorb. Examine your own attitudes and what you've been taught is okay and yours to do or say or take at will that is maybe in actuality not okay. Teach kids boundaries that extend beyond consent into misogynistic attitudes. Call your own in who take liberties they shouldn't on all levels of the spectrum.
Period, the end...and in case you missed the millions of clues, I'm not interested in hearing your opinion on this.
1. Women who have put their voices out into the world, whether it be on a large stage, on a smaller community stage, or in their personal circles of family and friends to empower, encourage, support, and advance all women. Women I know and women I don't. Strong female framily I have been lucky enough to have from all stages of life who are the backbone of my life. All the people who are feminists and not afraid to show it and say it. The people raising little girls and boys who are committed to an equal, equitable future for every kid. International Women's Day is every day. Women's History Month is every month. The world does not run without women. Recognize and use your power for good.
2. Fun plates as meals.
3. Growing up on 90201, loving it through its ups and downs, still following the cast, still talking about the story lines, arguing with one of my BFF's husband's over Brenda/Dylan vs. Kelly/Dylan almost 20 years after the show ended, and the collective commiseration over the young and unfortunate passing of Luke Perry. We were not okay this week, not only because we loved the show but because we saw these characters as a just out of reach peer group and when someone dies unexpectedly like that our own mortality is put in front of us for us to examine. Despite the sad death of the man who played Dylan McKay to our collective delight and by all accounts was a kind and generous human and family man, it's nice to have ever had such a connection to something in the first place that would even bring that collective not okayness about. 90210 forever.
4. Patterned shoes and colored shoes and personality shoes.
5. Nail polish. If you ever see me without it, something is wrong and you should send for help.
Happy Friday in March: a few days out from longer light, one week out from my birthday, less than two weeks out from spring equinox. What five things make your grateful list today?
Feminism isn't just for young women or middle-aged women. It's for all women, young and old, and good to keep in mind when caring for an elderly female, especially if they need physical and psychological assistance. It can be tough to provide care while still supporting her right to make her own choices and her ability to be as independent as possible while ensuring she has the appropriate level of care and things still work on a practical basis. Of course, just because something is hard doesn't mean that it isn't worth doing. Let's talk Dos and Don'ts on how to respect autonomy while providing care.
Many people think of older women as frail, vulnerable, and delicate. Of course, they can be those things, as can anyone, but this certainly isn't always the case. In fact, is it more of a stereotype that comes from patriarchy and ageist bias, and it can mean we often underestimate both what older female relatives can do, and their ability to understand their situation and make decisions for themselves. You know what we do around here with stereotypes that come from patriarchy: smash smash smash.
The problem with underestimating their ability to understand their situation and make decisions for themselves is that it can lead to taking their independence and autonomy away, aspects of life that are not only valuable but crucial to their sense of self as well.
The problem arises from wanting to provide an adequate level of care and safety for them. However, when this undermines who they are as a person and makes them an outsider in their own lives, it's gone too far.
By not giving older female relatives the chance to live an independent life and make choices for themselves we devalue woman everywhere instead of facilitating a meaningful experience for them in their twilight years. It's crucial that we really see the situation of the individual involved and not let ourselves be swayed by the stereotypes that society has imposed on us and them.
Do make decisions with them, not for them.
While it may be tempting to think of an aging female relative as unable to look after themselves, we also need to remember that they are a wise being that has survived through an entire lifetime of experience. What that means is even if their current circumstances have to change, its crucial that they be involved in this decision, and their voice heard.
Stripping them of this right and making decisions for them (unless they are genuinely unable to do this for themselves) isn't just an insult. It's also a form of aggression. Their advanced age should not mean that their autonomy is compromised, and it only takes a drop of empathy to consider what we would want if we were in the same situation as we all will be one day.
Don't forget that they may need some practical assistance in doing everyday things.
An aging elderly relative will need help and assistance with everyday tasks that they once found easy. I know from helping my Grandmom, a very independent woman, in her last year of life that it is not easy for them to ask for and accept help. The assistance must be provided in a way that boosts independence rather than compromises it.
How to walk that fine line? Giving them a lift to the senior center so they can get out and see their friends on a regular basis instead of insisting they no longer go because they can't make the walk.
In home, if/when tasks such as cooking or cleaning become problematic, you have to discuss this with them and come up with a solution together instead of just rushing in and taking over. This could be a moderated cleaning and cooking schedule that is easier for them to carry out, investing in a microwave so they can buy ready-made meals, spending a quick half hour after a visit taking care of this stuff, or bringing in outside help.
It's really not about the solution, but how you go about instituting it that matters. Enforcing your solution to their problem is certainly not going to be supporting their right to be as independent as possible.
Do discuss other living options with them if living alone is becoming difficult.
A tough situation that can occur when caring for an elderly relative is when living alone becomes less viable for them for reasons including frequent falls, the need for advanced medical care, or that managing their property is no longer possible.
Sadly, this can be one of the most challenging situations for the older person, because their home is usually a real symbol of the independence and autonomy they have, and to lose this is upsetting.
Discussing other living arrangements with them is the way to deal with this while maintaining respect for their independence. It is crucial to really listen to what the older woman is saying concerning what they want and if at all possible allow them to make the ultimate decision.
It's also important to highlight all of the suitable options including assisted and senior living centers that promote a more independent style of life. In fact, such a choice is often a win-win solution as they have also staff on hand in case they do need a little extra help, or experience an emergency. My Grandmom moved into senior living and it was great that she could walk everywhere and have meals with friends and play cards and even volunteer right on site. I know she felt better not managing her property and my family felt better knowing she was secure and happy there.
Don't withhold relevant medical information from them.
Medical problems are an accepted and expected part of getting older, however, as people that are caring for elderly female relatives, we can often withhold information about their medical status from them because we think it is too upsetting.
Of course, this always needs to be considered on an individual basis, but I would argue that no matter what your age, if you knew you only had a certain amount of time on this Earth, left you would want to know. Not just because it would allow you to make your plans, wrap things up and say goodbye to the ones you love, but also because you are a human being that deserves to know what is happening with your own body and life.
It is extremely important to discuss with people how they would like to be cared for in the end stages of their lives. If an illness is involved, it can be an incredibly awkward conversation depending on the diagnosis and the players, but it must be done and all options laid out on the table. If you don't discuss it, you're not doing anyone a kindness, you're just stripping away another layer of their independence.
Do recognize their wishes when it comes to bathroom functions and intimate care.
One of the most challenging things about getting older can be when you lose the ability to take care of yourself regarding bathroom functions and bathing. These are extremely private activities that no one (bar illness and disability) has had to do for us since we were babies.
Older female relative can really struggle with having to get someone else to do these things for them. For some, it can be hard to have a stranger provide this type of care, but for others, it can be even worse when it is someone they know, love, and have a relationship of mutual respect with.
That's why it's vital to know what they believe is the best way of going about it. It may be easier and cheaper for you give them a bath each day, but if they would prefer to give themselves a bedbath, and have someone come in to provide them with a more thorough clean on a regular basis, then it's crucial that you listen to and act on this if you want to respect their dignity and independence.
Don’t forget to acknowledge and appreciate the influence they have had in your life.
You may have been lucky enough to have had a right on, radical bra-burning feminist grandmother, mother, sister, or aunt in your life, or your older female relative may have had a more subtle way of being their own person and fighting the patriarchy. However, no matter what their views on the place of women, it's vital that you acknowledge and appreciate the impact they have had in your life.
It is quintessentially feministto value women as they age instead of writing them off as no longer relevant. It's also crucial from a feminist perspective that we do all we can to love each other as women and build each other up. Something that needs to extend through the generations as well as just across, and even in different types of social groupings.
You love this woman that is getting older, and whose health may not be what it once was. On a basic human level, showing that love by respecting her autonomy and independence is one of the most important things you can do, for her and for you and to honor the relationship you have.
That concludes our feminist Friday writing over here. Have a great weekend!
3. Happiness is justice, albeit late and with conditions that should not apply..
4. Happiness is feeling represented by women who did not come to play. Happiness is also street art (by Hystericalmen, 5th & Bainbridge in Philly).
5. Happiness is getting back to some technical writing about travel - I've almost forgotten how to write about something I don't know much about, haven't experienced personally, or don't feel deeply about.
6. Happiness is washing and reusing flannel pieces instead of throwing out single use face wipes and cotton balls.
7. Happiness is another weekend of no plans, but definite plans to see my niece and nephew tonight.
8. Happiness is being open to possibility instead of saying no outright to things we have told ourselves can't be done or convinced ourselves must wait.
9. Happiness is reminding each other that we should not surrender all joy for an idea we used to have about ourselves that just isn't true anymore.
10. Happiness is all lounge attire, all the time.
What's your happiness this week, big, small, or in between?
What appears after the hyphen in Thursday Thoughts is a song lyric to whatever I'm listening to when I start to write the post. This week is Angels of the Silences by Counting Crows.
