Things I want to remember

All photos by Evan Leslie Images 

As the world starts to open back up...

I want to remember that most nights, beautifully formed, lyrical yet observant sentences slide into my head during the 10 minute ride from my house to Dog Beach, and they slip out like the air through my hand that is always out the window, fingers splayed, unable to catch either air or thought.

I want to remember how it felt to be without words, so that words, when they come often again, are revered and appreciated for being the quiet spouse of creativity that keeps the household humming.

I want to remember how MFD picked up allllll the slack during these months when living in Corona Land abruptly downshifted me into operating under a super reduced capacity with limited bandwidth. We've been together for 18 years and for various reasons I've never leaned hard on him - addiction for a long time, I have some ingrained would rather keel over than not pull my weight thing because I'm an enneagram 8 and we don't really lean - and I quietly, passively dropped my basket at one of the most inopportune times. He was also doing his (non-showing) real estate work, volunteered at a local food scarcity charity daily, ended up connecting that charity with city govt resources and ramping up a program at that charity to feed close to 1,000 people at nearly 100 recovery houses a week, and dealt with his mom dying in the middle of a global pandemic. I want to remember that he never stopped working, working his program, helping other people, and giving me room to be as I needed to be and showing such patience and care that I would definitely not show in a role reversal. 

I want to remember that he never pointed out to me how my household work productivity dropped by 2/3 of what I normally contribute and instead just asked what needs to be done and got it done. I want to remember how I started to feel that we had traded places for a while which was super weird but also cool. 

I want to remember that this gave us a better balance than we've ever had between us. 

I want to remember that my mother in law died in the middle of all of this. You truly do not understand how much closure you get from the typical funeral with family and friends followed by a luncheon where you can share stories and laughs and hugs until you don't get that. I am not a big funeral person, but MFD is. I know if I'm feeling that it's not right, he's feeling it tenfold. It just feels like it didn't happen? The 10 person funeral we had was like a vague movie sequence dream. There is a huge disconnect like something big is wrong or missing. It's hard to describe. 

I want to remember how time seemed both sped up and stopped, simultaneously.

I want to remember that I packed up all of my shit one weeknight at 10 pm, got in the car, drove to the shore, and just didn't go back. Neither did Bruce and Ben. I'm not sure when we will. MFD and the old dogs still split the week as was the plan all along.

I want to remember how all the clothes and shoes sat in dressers and closets in Philadelphia, unmissed,  while I subsisted on four drawers and an under the bed box with MFD taking my laundry home and bringing it back every week. For the 18 years we've been together I did my laundry and the household laundry (sheets, towels, blankets) along with shore house laundry and just as quickly MFD took that over along with a load of mine every week.

I want to remember how on a Sunday night in the North End while the setting sun infused everything with a glowing warmth that I said, "I want to live here," meaning the neighborhood, and MFD replied, "You do live here now, you know that, right?" meaning the shore. And amid the covid pandemic and the black lives matter uprisings that have been 400 years in the making and the vitriol and hell of the internet, I felt happy.

I want to remember how great my company was through all of this and how much care they showed their employees. 

I want to remember how I was so into cooking three meals a day for a month and a half and now only want to eat what I don't have and things that are cooked by other people. 

I want to remember how the library is the place I missed most of all.

I want to remember that books were read but that my concentration was poor and fleeting. 

I want to remember how nice it felt to spend so much time outside sitting and being because there was nowhere to go and nothing to do. 

I want to remember how I noticed a lot more searing moments of beauty outside. 

I want to remember that I worried a lot that I'd be forever changed by this and then I worried that I wouldn't be. 

I want to remember how what I used to think was normal and required is neither. 

I want to remember how I searched in vain for rubbing alcohol in every store for months and still can't find it. 

I want to remember how laying down all the requirements and routines was so fucking tiring, like an exhaustive undoing that required recovery.

I want to remember how when this started I thought I'd be able to quell the chaos that raged outside in the world with a new white board for my dining room. 

I want to remember that the only stores I missed aside from the mom and pop small businesses at the shore were TJ Maxx, Ross, and Marshalls because they are the real MVPs with deals. 

I want to remember that we just let ourselves look how we look, and how much I liked MFD's hair when it wasn't perfect. 

I want to remember how adaptable people are. 

I want to remember what lengths people will go to to help others. 

I want to remember what lengths people will go to to block others from resources they want for themselves. 

I want to remember we can all do hard things. No exceptions. 

I want to remember how quickly I went from no phone calls please and no FaceTime unless you are my niece or nephew to calls and FaceTime accepted without appointment!

I want to remember our 10 year old TV died, my computer monitor bit the dust, and a bunch of other shit broke like the house and things in it were complaining about suddenly having to work overtime for no additional pay.

I want to remember I lost half of a cavity in like week three and have been very precarious with biting ever since. 

I want to remember how much I wanted to hug the world. 

I want to remember how much more confident I would have been going into this if we had universal healthcare, properly staffed and funded hospitals, and the appropriate PPE for frontline workers. 

I want to remember how scared I was that everyone was going to lose everything because we don't have a government that works for the people. 

I want to remember I laughed so fucking hard so many times and also cried really hard a few times and both were a great release. 

I want to remember how it felt like I had to re-learn socialization and being with people in person when I started seeing people again, how for so long video calls felt like so little but in person also felt like a little too much. 

I want to remember how nothing felt right in almost any situation and what a fucking weird time this has been. 

I want to remember how fucking privileged I am. 

I want to remember I spent so much time with my dogs and it was so great, especially with the old dog. 

I want to remember that I get by with a little help from my friends, in global covid pandemics and racism pandemics or no pandemic. And I have some of the very best fucking people on the planet in my life and we showed up for each other on text, phone, FaceTime, Facebook, Instagram, freaking Zoom and Teams. Your circle is the MVP in or out of any pandemic - make sure the right people are in it. Thanks to our BFF Evan of Evan Leslie Images for the pics. Contact Evan for your family, something fun, yearly kid pics, bar and bat mitzvahs, weddings, and any big family event. Or just to take photos of you on your porch, unshowered, wearing clothes you threw on that morning. 

What do you want to remember? 

Realizations from Corona Land

Lots of my spring bulbs need replacing. And have, for the past three years. I need to set a calendar reminder for the fall. 

I like croutons. I thought I didn't. I don’t know why this realization occurred in quarantine. Maybe because I made my own from leftover garlic bread?

Autocorrect is an idiot. My phone is failing so hard at this. 

I still prefer texting. I am still making and taking phone calls 100% more than I did before this but definitely not as many as the first week. 

Global pandemics do not affect my sleep. I have actually slept harder and better and woken up on time without an alarm this entire time. 

Pre-pandemic was a bad time to order a bunch of possible things for my own birthday gifts and different spray paints for home improvement projects. Because most of them were meant to be returned. So now I have a zillion returns to remember to make when this is done. 

I could never be a chef. I like cooking and find cooking or baking soothing, but I do not like cooking twice a day every day. I prefer my batch cooking on Sundays but doing that right now feels not right either. 

Line dried clothes rock. My dryer hasn’t broken since 2018. At that time I was short on time so my mom did my laundry until the part came in. This time I have nothing but time so line dry it is. I like how they’re a little stiff and a lot fresh smelling.

Commuting is harder on my body than I thought. My shoulder no longer bunches because I’m not carrying my life on it back and forth every day. I thought it was a chronic condition related to the pinched nerve in my neck from years ago. Here it’s basically commuting. 

Constant human-ing is hard on pets. My dogs are exhausted.

My train pass expired. I pay for it pre-tax so I get the checks to do that through work. Where we haven't been for almost a month. 

Acupuncture and chiropractor are essential to me. Sure, I’ve said that, but being forced to go without has not been pleasant. I'm missing my monthly appointments big time.

I’m picky about where things come from. I prefer my fresh salmon and frozen berries from Aldi, my produce from Produce Junction or Lou's, my milk and half and half organic from Target's Good and Gather line. I didn't realize how much I darted around or split darting around with MFD until we locked it down and limited trips. Praise stores who have figured out curbside pickup in under three weeks.

My inspection expired at the end of March. When the state of PA is up and running again, I need to address that.

Turns out I do NOT have too much lounge attire. So there. 

Productivity is not my solution. I can’t organize myself out of feeling some sort of ways about a global pandemic. I need to accept my feelings, sit with them, and let them go much more frequently than I would normally. I’m still doing but it’s not even close to my primary goal here and it’s not close to the top of the list. This was a hard realization for me since I am aimed toward productivity all the time but this is requiring me to slow way down and I’m listening. 

I know a lot of subject matter experts in the areas of infectious disease and contagion. And they all practice on the Internet, sharing their “knowledge” for freeeeeee

My mood is dependent on the sun and fresh air. Gray days are interminable.

I don’t spend as much time outside as I should in Philly. We are out at the shore all of the time. I can count on one hand the amount of times I sat out back here for more than five minutes last year. That is mostly because I’ve been acting like a guest here, because...

I’m living in the wrong place. I’m missing one of my favorite times at the shore - when the temps are in the high 40s and low 50s day and night, the beaches empty so my dogs can run free, sand pocked with huge intact whelk shells and glittering sea glass, town almost ghostly at night with lack of cars, lights, and people. It comes alive this weekend for Easter, which we usually spend there with my Mom and Rich and my brother and Kate and Dan and the kids and Debbie. I say I should be living there all the time, but this being quarantined at home situation really brought it home. Quarantine has not fixed actual physical limitations of that house that prohibit an immediate move not has it changed MFD’s mind about one. I can't think about it too much, because it gives me a physical pain like when you are away from home and really want to be there. 

What are some of your quarantine realizations?

Realizations from being away every weekend

Our dogs would prefer living in a place that has no steps.

I'm not worried letting it be known at least one of us is not home most weekends. Anyone looking to rob us would be sorely disappointed as there's nothing left in our house at home to steal since all of our money goes to the shore house and we have left that house just struggling along with no goods and no maintenance. And we have no cares about that.

I am happier in our efficiency apartment than I am in our three floor row home at home or the three floors of the main house at the shore. Even when the main house is empty, we don't stay up there. I do use the kitchen upstairs at the shore though when it's open.

I am outside much more in a place that is extremely walkable and has an ocean.

When I can walk or bike to get food for the day, I don't mind going to the store daily. If given the choice I prefer to drive nowhere.

When we make time for relaxing, we are more relaxed.

I could survive on less than a third of the clothes I have. I wear the same things every weekend without a care.

I don't  need all the stuff I have deemed necessary. I spend most weekends without any of it.

It is easy for me to disengage with real life. If I don't reply to texts immediately it will take me days to remember there was a text in the first place.

The concept of home feels a lot more fluid than it used to. For most of the year, my primary residence feels like the place I crash, do laundry, and get my mail delivered to and the place where I spend weekends feels more like home in my heart. If both places are home, am I really away from home every weekend or just home in a different location?