TWTW - Q8

Friday I was on the beach at 5:30 am, then work work work work work, then zoom happy hour with work fam, followed by a visit from Melissa, Blane, and Alex on their way home from Wildwood. I have zero recollection of anything else from Friday night. Oh, now I do. I went to bed at 12:15 despite being up super early, was woken up at 2:20 am, then at 4:30 am by dogs. 

Saturday After the early wake up I eased into the day. MFD headed back to Philly to do volunteer work. I painted my nails (Essie Flying Solo) and toes (Zoya Charla). MFD's fam arrived to clean out my mother-in-law's apartment. I checked out the new shower curtain up in the bathroom and sat in my driveway until my overspray and weeding that needs to be done distracted me and I moved to the porch watching all the people head to the beach that opened for full access Saturday. Photos online made it like people were up each other's asses. My neighbors who walked back and reported to me on the porch told me people were maintaining distance and respectful. Who knows. Anyway I stayed where I was. We are porch people and my old dog Gus is happiest when I am sitting with him. When they got back from my MIL's we had a big ass seafood meal and I ate a fried platter against my better judgement and was overfull all night. 

Sunday Coffee on the porch, then MFD and siblings headed back to do more clean out work at my MIL's. I chilled and read and walked dogs. When he got back we both fell asleep, then ordered for pickup from Luigi's and watched Back to the Future. I was in bed by 10. 

I'm pretty sure 95% of the people I know have seen people at this point  - whether you made the decision or it was made for you to see your parents/grandkids/etc due to circumstances beyond your control or an outdoor set up that makes it possible to do so - here are some good guidelines to follow as we are opening back up in various ways or at the end of our ropes without seeing people in person as to risk/reward weighing and how to do things a little more safely. And as I said Friday, if you have a reason (justified or not) to do it, others have also, so give grace. 

How was your weekend?

Recovering from the death of a loved one

via

The death of a loved one is one is a hugely impactful and stressful event, and if you are like me you don't even like to think about losing someone so important to you that it will rock your whole world. While it sucks to think about it or talk about it, it is a fact of life that it's bound to happen. I truly don't think you can prepare for some losses, and I also don't think you ever stop missing someone. I believe you go on living because of course you do, but there is no magic cure for someone's absence on this earth. Some things make the grieving process a little easier though.

Don’t bottle up your grief

Bottling up grief is the most harmful thing you can do. Your body needs that release in order to move on and by bottling it up you’ll feel weaker and angrier longer. Allow yourself time to cry and don’t feel ashamed of doing it in front of family and friends or the world at large (hopefully you can make it to the bathroom if you feel a spell coming on at work because if you're like me you'd rather do about 489 dumpster dives in the heat of summer than cry in your office). Grief is completely normal, everyone grieves differently, and you need to give yourself some grace and let it out.

Seek support from family and friends

Having time to yourself is important, but you shouldn’t let yourself become a recluse because it's easier to be alone and not feel the need to attempt to explain how you feel to anyone. The loss of someone close leaves a huge hole, and that huge hole is made worse by cutting out the supports and connections you have around you. Spend time with friends and family and accept any support that they offer, whether it’s helping you to deal with funeral plans or simply cooking you a meal or doing your dishes and laundry. Accept that people want to do things for you in your time of need and let them, however you can. Some people are better at doing than talking. 

Use healthy self-medication

When we mention self-medicating, we often think of the not great/unhealthy methods like heavy drinking or drug abuse and while it's tempting to lose yourself in a haze of whatever, don't. Try instead to embrace healthy forms of self-medication such as exercise, laughter, or simple pleasures such as a hot bath. All these activities will provide an endorphin rush that will help you to feel better temporarily. Coping is done in a series of minutes strung together to make a day. Get through those minutes in small segments. 

Consider talking to a counselor

If you need to talk through your feelings, grief counseling could be worth trying. A counselor can act as a neutral party – there may be feelings that you don’t feel you can open up about to anyone else and a counselor will listen and not judge. Loss can create all kinds of complex feelings from anger to guilt. It's rarely ever a case of straight-forward sadness and it's hard to work through any issues you have related to someone who has passed when that person is no longer there. 

Consider joining a support group

Support groups could allow you to talk to other people who have dealt with similar losses as you. Having other people who can relate to you could help to combat the loneliness of grief. Look out for support groups local to you and support groups online. 

I hope you don't need it soon, but if you do, I hope it helps.

the trouble is, you think you have time

I have a pretty matter-of-fact attitude about death. People die, and if they were important to you, you never stop missing them. It might lessen with time, but that missing...it will always be there. I don't think our loved ones ever really leave us and that their spirit lives on in many ways. I expect my grandparents and parents to die before me. I know it will be hard but I also know that that's how it's supposed to go. Life, you know...none of us get out of it alive.

When a peer dies, it is more...unsettling? I'm not sure if that's the word I want, and I'm just writing without editing so apologies if it doesn't come across as intended. 

This weekend MFD and I lost a friend we've had for over 25 years. Mike was a truly unique person, interesting and genuine, creative and warm, weird in a great way. Simply put, we were friends...through junior high and high school and college, less actively after that but the kind of friendship where while we didn't often seek each other out, we were happy to find ourselves in the same place and to share a laugh and conversation. In this season of our lives we settled comfortably into being peripheral friends with a solid history. There's a lot to say about Mike and I am not so arrogant to think I'd do him justice. There are many others much closer and more qualified than me. Suffice to say the world lost a bright and sweet soul this weekend and the fact that his unique persona and penchant for kindness and friendship will no longer be out there in this world has been hard to swallow.

Since he wasn't in my inner circle, I frankly wasn't expecting it to hit me so hard, especially since I knew he was sick. Of course I expected the heavy heart for his family and close friends. He was young, he suffered with a rare and painful cancer, and he was taken from them too soon. My heart is indeed heavy for his people. And angry. I'm always angry when the good ones go.

There were good emotions too - I was glad that I made some solid memories with him in the past five years. I was happy when so many people from the parts of his life I didn't know well shared stories and photos of him. It was so nice to see how many people he touched with his huge heart.

I was comforted by a sense of community when the sadness and disbelief I felt was echoed by my schoolmates. Across the board, whether people shared many years with him, or just a class or a chance encounter, I saw the loss I felt reflected in others. It is hard to lose a good one, whether you last spoke with them yesterday or 20 years ago. When your heart is hurting and you keep leaking tears you are surprised to be shedding, it's nice to know we are not out here marooned on our islands. Through the years and miles between us, we are all connected. Sometimes in celebration. Sometimes in grief.

Someone our age that we grew up walking halls with is no longer out there walking earthly halls. We're not 16 anymore, even though we feel like it inside. It calls your own mortality into question. I certainly hope that I have a lot of life left to live, but the truth is, I don't know that. None of us do. 

I spent a lot of time Sunday reminiscing and thinking. Most of my thoughts were too young, too young, too young. Which naturally proceeds to introspection. If I died tomorrow, would I be happy with how I spent my last day, week, month, or year? 

I'm reminded not to wait to do what I want to do, not to make people guess how I feel about them, not to let too long go by before I reach out to someone I've been thinking of, not to waste energy on things and people that don't matter, not to waste time doing things I don't want to do, not to think too much and just go with my gut, not to turn my back on someone who needs help, not to miss opportunities to spend time with people and do things that do matter, not to simply exist but really to live. The overarching theme: not to wait. 

I already try to live my life like this, but every time someone dies I feel the need to re-examine, to readjust. And the need is more urgent when a peer dies.

The best way I know of to honor those who don't get the privilege to age along with me is to live a full life. A full, good life looks different to all of us. Whatever that looks like to you, I hope you're doing it. Don't wait.