And then I threw up on the train.

I wasn't planning to close down the week with a blog post about how I threw up on a goddamn train but here we are. Yesterday one of my worst non-life shattering nightmares came true.

I felt off in the morning and thought maybe I hadn't had enough water the day before. I trudged into work and drank some Gatorade and ginger ale and a lot of water in case I was dehydrated. By around 11 I knew I needed to go home. The trains are running on the hour at that point in the day so I was stuck in my office until 12:04.

When I got to the train station, of course my train was 10 minutes late. I slumped over on a bench next to a mother and her son who could not stop talking about what they were going to have for lunch AND dinner. Breathe through it. Breathe through it.

The train was a local making every stop and the ride felt like it took place over the span of four years instead of just over 40 minutes. We were rolling up to the stop before mine when it happened. The unthinkable. The public puking as a not inebriated or hungover adult on public transportation.

I whipped out an empty Old Navy online order bag and dispersed all the liquid I consumed that morning into it. Four pukes in the less than three minutes between that stop and mine. I tried to be quiet and hold myself as still as possible.

Then it was done, and the only thing my stomach was full of was mortification.

The lady next to me was looking at me with a mixture of sympathy and horror. I briefly considered telling her I was pregnant to explain away the spontaneous public vomiting but instead wiped my mouth on the inside of my dress and apologized profusely for vomiting next to her on public transportation. She scooted out of the seat to give me a wide berth and I rolled my puke bag securely down and gathered up my shredded dignity to exit the train.

If anyone ever needs to throw up in public and then carry it around with them, I would like to suggest the Old Navy online order bag. It's strong and it doesn't leak.

Can I also take this opportunity to blame SEPTA? If the train hadn't been late, I would have made it to my stop and puked outside of the train. I would like to be able to blame someone. Right? I am against blame shifting but lord I need to blame someone for this. Just this once.

At home I slept for five hours. My eyes were closed before my head even hit the pillow. Can your body shut down from public shame? I think that happened. I was back in bed at 9:30 last night and woke up at 6 this morning feeling fine.

What a weird fucking day. One that I never, ever want to repeat. When you take public transport, your main fears are 1) bed bugs 2) accident 3) needing to puke 4) uncontrollable diarrhea. Out of the four of those, puking is the least horrifying and I hope it's the only one I ever have to deal with. Thank God it wasn't my regular train so I don't feel the need to don the paper bag of shame over my head for the foreseeable future.

Lessons learned:
1) do not travel without a solid, leak-proof bag
2) do not leave your computer at work so you feel the need to come in when you shouldn't
3) leave an hour before go time if you are sick at work

I haven't thrown up today, so it's already 470% better than yesterday.

Happy weekend!

Thursday Thoughts - sliding into third

1. This week is carnival week on my street so some dick in a box from outside of the neighborhood parks the wrong way on the street constantly. Turn around and park correctly, you lazy shitgibbon.

2. I watched in fascination as a fellow commuter set out her trashbag seat cover on the train and then again next to me on the shuttle bus to the park-n-ride. I mean, I fear bed bugs. I get it. This lady had her shit down. Her husband was the only one who was visibly annoyed by her until she started yelling "Oh no, oh no, JESUS CHRIST IN YOUR NAME NO!" on the shuttle bus because there was a car in sight on the road as the bus was making a left. Then people got snarky as fuck with her, telling her the bus driver did that every day.  She replied, "It only takes once for us to all die a fiery death." Thanks for that. Cheers and goodnight, lady.

3. I have worked three blocks from here for years, walked by it a million times, and I swear I've never noticed this.

4. I can't get in depth this week with politics, but the resistance is clever as fuck. And mighty.

5. Crazy Christians who want to control women's bodies and who other people can marry among other things scare me more than ISIS...mainly because my fellow citizens don't seem to have a big problem with that form of control.

6. The Progression of Productivity this week:
Monday night...I went to Marshalls, made turkey taco lettuce wraps and prepped breakfasts and lunches for the week, washed pans and ran the dishwasher, packed up bathing suits to take and leave at the shore, mopped the bathroom floor (AKA Dog Pee Town), washed and dried a load of shore towels + home towels, sorted mail and opened packages, reorganized my laundry stuff, watched the season finale of Billions, and read.
Tuesday night...voted, went to to the fool carnival, folded towels, unloaded dishwasher, finished a book.
Wednesday night...slumped, slack jawed and lifeless on the couch, hot and annoyed. Rallied to make naan pizzas, fold more towels, wipe down the kitchen, put a vat of iced coffee in the fridge to process, pick up the living room, cycle MFD's laundry, and do a load of my own laundry, all while humming a tune called special prosecutor under my breath.
Thursday night...can she make it four productive nights in a row? Probably not. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach and MFD will be walking 10 miles in the heat with the Earth Quaker Action Team for Green Jobs & Justice so it'll be a slow night at home.

7.  Sometimes when I'm in a stabby mood I google fuck you images and then I feel calmer. Is that how you define crazy?

8. I feel like I see car selfies more than ever. Just me?

9.  I'm super pumped for this weekend. I'm going to get some shit done at home, I'm going to see some of my people and celebrate MBD's birthday, and I'm going to put the shore house back together after the carpet replacement that happened this week and be mostly done with shore chores inside for the summer. There is some touch up painting that needs to be done but otherwise I'm fucking free.

10. E-card of the week...we might be waiting a while this week.

Home stretch of the week. 

Linking up with Kristin & Joey 

Scenes from a Snow Day

Working from home is like a B-12 shot in the ass of my week: I gain two hours when I don't commute. Two freaking hours. It's the thing you dream about, gaining two hours in your day, right?

Work-wise, I start earlier and end later. I plow through things without distraction. I can change the laundry from the washer to the dryer on my way to the bathroom. And I can do it all in elastic waist pants.

There are no photos of me working in this post, because a) work is private and b) those pics would be boring. Not that these in between photos from a work from home day aren't. They're small, stupid things that feel delicious and decadent because I *can* do them during a weekday. At lunch, I wolfed down a sandwich and glanced through Real Simple at lunch, then I painted my nails (Essie penny talk) before meal planning for next week.

In the afternoon, I shoveled and salted, marveled at the sun coming out after the shitty morning, chased down the shutter that blew away with the ferocious wind, and washed the curtains the dogs rage peed on since I dared to be outside without them. And I did all of it in my polka dot pajama pants.

But the best part at the end of the day is not suiting up to go out in the cold, perhaps having to walk over human poop on the way to the station, pushing like a tiny fish in a huge school to actually get through the door and onto the train, sitting all squished with everyone in their winter coats and loud ass phone calls, then getting on the shuttle to the parking lot or hauling ass back to my car on foot.

Not having to commute helps my balance and gives me a sense of found time on those here and there WFH days.

When I work from home I can just walk over to the couch, kick my feet up, have it still be sort of light out, and know that my laundry is all done and folded and waiting to be put away upstairs.

Where it will sit...for a long time. Because putting laundry away sucks.

What would you do with two extra hours in a day?

Currently - May

Drinking...cucumber and lemon infused water. So refreshing. And good for you too.

Bidding...Mad Men a fond farewell. I liked the finale. I like when they tell me what's happening to people I won't see again. I'll miss them all, especially Joan. Or as Amanda calls her, the original Boss Bitch. Word.

via

Being...ladies who lunch with Jana of Jana Says  yesterday. I'm psyched for her new Interview with a Bookworm series that I participated in on Tuesday.

Wearing...All pixie pants, all the time. Old Navy, please don't stop making these.

Loving...my new sun hat from Old Navy. Yellow and happy and bigass to keep the sun off of my face.

Hating...Mae's gross skin and ear issues. High maintenance diva.

Wanting...more people to vote. I was #155 at 6:45 p.m. on Tuesday. So many people have fought and died to gain the right to vote and so many people do not use it.

Needing...a pedicure. My feet are not well right now.

Wondering...how we're already at Memorial Day weekend.

Feeling...like Brenda caught in the bus station in Adventures in Babysitting whenever I have to spend more than four minutes in Market East. I mean Jefferson Station.

Reading...my first Agatha Christie - Murder at the Vicarage. I'm not loving it.

Listening to...Big Parade by The Lumineers. Over and over and over again.

Stalking...the instagram accounts of my upcoming vacation destinations.

Appreciating...the Trenton line being back up and running. My commute has returned to normal. As normal as a commute full of quasi-lunatics can be.

Laughing at...the truth in this. Thanks to Sister Secrets for sharing.

What's going on with you?

Linking up with Kristin and

Joey for Stuff & Things

Friday Five: Types of Assholes at the Park & Ride

Although the title might tell you differently, I do love that my train station is a park and ride. I've taken the train from other stations and finding a spot in a small lot or looking for street parking can be really stressful in the morning. That being said, the park and ride is not without its assholes...I mean, is any situation? Here are some types of assholes I encounter at the park and ride. 

1. The people who stop at the nonexistent stop sign. Sometimes the difference between making the train and not making the train is someone stopping at this nonexistent stop sign on the way into the station, yet they still do it every day. Rage spikes into the stratosphere on days when multiple people stop for no reason. I hate to start my day off laying on the horn but sometimes it must be done. 

2. Artful parkers in the morning. Again, we’re on a train time table. Chop chop. If you can’t park your car in one shot, you fail. No one has time to wait for you to finesse a perfect park job, backing in and out and in and out. It makes the people waiting to get past you feel like playing demolition derby with your vehicle. Are you in the lines? Good. Stop moving.

3. People who do not observe the exiting etiquette. Leaving the station is a complicated system but one you are introduced to quite quickly when you are a regular rider. There are three exits from the main parking lot and decorum calls for taking turns and letting people out. When you don’t do this, people let you know with horns, hand gestures, and yelling what an asshole you are yet some people speed their oblivious asses off acting like they see no one else waiting to leave. We recognize you as regular passengers, you dicks. We’re supposed to take turns letting each other out and you know it. 

4. People who block cars in. This seems like a no brainer, right? Do not sit in the lane with your car in park, making out like your life depends on it, then act butt hurt when people beep at you to move. Park your car in a spot and make out if you need to relive your teenage years. Or maybe make out not in public like other adults. 

5. Little bitches. When I wave you across the lane and inch up when you’re ¾ of the way through, still quite far from you, do not shake your head at me. Because I will roll down my window and say, “I’m sorry, did you have a problem with me waving you across?” and you will be left stuttering, "No."

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All of the sudden, it was May. Right? That came up like a rocket. I'm excited to have lunch with my friend Tara from high school today. Other than that, I have no commitments this weekend. This rarely happens and I really love that the weekend is stretched out before me, waiting to be meandered through. And it looks like it's going to be beautiful. Enjoy, friends!