Under Pressure

As you know, I'm a planner, list maker, scheduler, doer. Yet part of me thrives on leaving shit until the last minute while the other part of me wants to punch my own self in the face for doing that.

In college, I used to wait until midnight before I started writing a 20 page paper that was due in the morning. If I didn't wait until the last minute to write this blog post, I'd have a photo for you of me with a stack of Victorian lit books and sources on my head while I sat and did not write my major paper and instead participated in a power hour with roommates and friends, leaving the paper until the next night. It was like I had to amp myself up to be able to really clamp down and focus. And invariably those papers came back with As and comments like "very insightful, good connections."

Say what? And I'd re-read them - no time for editing when you leave no time for editing, yes? - and think hot damn those are good connections.

I didn't do that with every paper because I don't make a home on the edge, I only visit it sometimes. The papers I prepared in advance honestly weren't as good.

I thought I'd grow out of this, but I haven't. I was doing everything at work except writing one paragraph - literally, four sentences that went together - and I put it off until I absolutely could not put it off anymore. I ended up producing a winner right out of the gate.

This only happens to me with creative or writing tasks. Rote tasks I'll do ahead all day every day.

It's like when I wait until I can't wait anymore, floodgates open in my brain and it just flows. I don't edit myself before I start. I wish I could do that all the time, but there's something about the last minute that seems to inspire me. Maybe it's the lure of pulling it off and the adrenaline rush when I have. I've always been good in pressure situations. Do you thrive there too?

This is ourselves

Under pressure

the trouble is, you think you have time

I have a pretty matter-of-fact attitude about death. People die, and if they were important to you, you never stop missing them. It might lessen with time, but that missing...it will always be there. I don't think our loved ones ever really leave us and that their spirit lives on in many ways. I expect my grandparents and parents to die before me. I know it will be hard but I also know that that's how it's supposed to go. Life, you know...none of us get out of it alive.

When a peer dies, it is more...unsettling? I'm not sure if that's the word I want, and I'm just writing without editing so apologies if it doesn't come across as intended. 

This weekend MFD and I lost a friend we've had for over 25 years. Mike was a truly unique person, interesting and genuine, creative and warm, weird in a great way. Simply put, we were friends...through junior high and high school and college, less actively after that but the kind of friendship where while we didn't often seek each other out, we were happy to find ourselves in the same place and to share a laugh and conversation. In this season of our lives we settled comfortably into being peripheral friends with a solid history. There's a lot to say about Mike and I am not so arrogant to think I'd do him justice. There are many others much closer and more qualified than me. Suffice to say the world lost a bright and sweet soul this weekend and the fact that his unique persona and penchant for kindness and friendship will no longer be out there in this world has been hard to swallow.

Since he wasn't in my inner circle, I frankly wasn't expecting it to hit me so hard, especially since I knew he was sick. Of course I expected the heavy heart for his family and close friends. He was young, he suffered with a rare and painful cancer, and he was taken from them too soon. My heart is indeed heavy for his people. And angry. I'm always angry when the good ones go.

There were good emotions too - I was glad that I made some solid memories with him in the past five years. I was happy when so many people from the parts of his life I didn't know well shared stories and photos of him. It was so nice to see how many people he touched with his huge heart.

I was comforted by a sense of community when the sadness and disbelief I felt was echoed by my schoolmates. Across the board, whether people shared many years with him, or just a class or a chance encounter, I saw the loss I felt reflected in others. It is hard to lose a good one, whether you last spoke with them yesterday or 20 years ago. When your heart is hurting and you keep leaking tears you are surprised to be shedding, it's nice to know we are not out here marooned on our islands. Through the years and miles between us, we are all connected. Sometimes in celebration. Sometimes in grief.

Someone our age that we grew up walking halls with is no longer out there walking earthly halls. We're not 16 anymore, even though we feel like it inside. It calls your own mortality into question. I certainly hope that I have a lot of life left to live, but the truth is, I don't know that. None of us do. 

I spent a lot of time Sunday reminiscing and thinking. Most of my thoughts were too young, too young, too young. Which naturally proceeds to introspection. If I died tomorrow, would I be happy with how I spent my last day, week, month, or year? 

I'm reminded not to wait to do what I want to do, not to make people guess how I feel about them, not to let too long go by before I reach out to someone I've been thinking of, not to waste energy on things and people that don't matter, not to waste time doing things I don't want to do, not to think too much and just go with my gut, not to turn my back on someone who needs help, not to miss opportunities to spend time with people and do things that do matter, not to simply exist but really to live. The overarching theme: not to wait. 

I already try to live my life like this, but every time someone dies I feel the need to re-examine, to readjust. And the need is more urgent when a peer dies.

The best way I know of to honor those who don't get the privilege to age along with me is to live a full life. A full, good life looks different to all of us. Whatever that looks like to you, I hope you're doing it. Don't wait. 

TWTW - the one with the rainbow

Have you ever gone to Target wearing red and blended in with the staff? Lori did on Friday. We also did a big Sam's trip. I painted my nails with a new color Debbie had on last weekend - Essie Muchi Muchi - and booked a cruise for next year so we will be with our cruising buddies Jill & Frank in the Southern Caribbean at the end of April.

Saturday dawned bright and sunny. Lori and I dropped stuff at my Mom's, went to see my father-in-law in the hospital, then moseyed on up to Peace Valley Lavender Farm in Doylestown. I got some plants to flank my front steps, lotions and potions and honey lavender shortbread cookies which are amazing.

We stopped for lunch at the Pineville Tavern and it was perfect eating outside weather. Dropped Dad & Carol's carpet cleaner off on the way home and spent a quiet afternoon on the couch with los perros.

We celebrated my brother's college graduation from Villanova University, including an appearance by the cardboard cutout of him that attended his high school graduation party in lieu of him.

There was also a little rainstorm that yielded a fabulous double rainbow. That's some sort of awesome luck for your entrance into life after college. 

Sunday I didn't leave the house all day. I did a little work on the basement reorg project, did five loads of laundry and put all of them away, read, hung out with the dogs, did a face mask, and planted the lavender I got on Sunday. It was a good self care day. I was glad our first stranger renters were at the shore house this weekend and enjoyed it.

Things I'm not learning: when I send MFD to get mulch, he will come back with more flowers and crowd the bed. At least I superseded him on hanging planters this year and got them cheap at Produce Junction on Saturday instead of the million dollar ones he likes to buy from Home Depot. After he finished planting his extras, he mulched the beds and we're pretty set for the season...as long as my previously planted bulbs come up.

Weekly food prep: breakfast is egg muffins with baby bellas, tomatoes, and cheese; lunch is chicken/brown rice/veggie bowls; snacks are snap peas and bell peppers, mango and strawberries; dinners are chicken thighs and veggies and chicken salad (from Sam's) on rye with a side of veg.

I was supposed to be at the shore this weekend, but I have to say I had a great one at home. I always love when Lori stays with us and any time I get to see many family members at once is awesome. 

Where are my Stella & Dot jewelry fans? I'm hosting an online trunk shopping party if you're interested. Forty percent of the profits from my Trunk Show will go to Paw Works, a no-kill, animal rescue in Los Angeles (www.pawworks.org). Shop this link: http://www.stelladot.com/ts/1mag6 or let me know if you'd prefer an invitation via email or facebook if we're friends on there. 

Linking up with Biana at B Loved Boston for Weekending &

Thursday Thoughts - Duran Duran

1. Coming up with blog post titles five years in sometimes means I throw a few words in the title line and let it ride. A band that hasn't been relevant since the 1980s? Sure, why not. There is no other mention of Duran Duran in this post. But that Simon LeBon, he was a looker, huh?

2. Here was where I was going to tell you the basement reorganization project from hell is as done as it's going to get right now except Tuesday night I laid on the couch and did nothing so I can't tell you that.

3. Some weeks can go screw. This is one of them.

4. Library day yesterday. I started Side Effects May Vary last night.  Red Rising has actually been on my to read list since 2/1/14, but I picked it up off of a shelf without realizing I already knew about it. And I feel like I might have read Flesh and Blood by Cornwell, but I won't know until I dive into it. I picked that one up off the shelf too. You guys killed it on Show Us Your Books this week. You're all on fire. I hope you went back and read posts of the later linker uppers. If you didn't, you're missing out!

5. I am sick to death of this white gray pall over the place. Everything is washed out and boring.

6. I found these cute planters from Home Depot that go over the deck railing so I'll have little pockets of flowers at the shore like I've always admired at other houses and said I'd have at the fictional shore house I was sure I'd never own but here I am, buying deck planters for it. One more major project upstairs next week and then we're done with major projects for the season, which will give us more time to enjoy the pinch me moments and less need to question if we were crazy for getting ourselves into this.

7. Is it a full moon? I've encountered the craziest assholes every day this week. I had a real fruit loop next to me on the train on Wednesday morning. Followed by a fucking loon in Dunkin Donuts who was slamming down on the counters and going on about lasers blinding him. If this sounds familiar it's because I have seen him doing the same thing before. Then I saw three UPS workers yelling at each other in front of my building over Steve on the docks. Tommy used to work on the docks...

8. Place your bets in advance - will Memorial Day weekend be cold or temperate?

9. This made me LOL.

10. E-card of the week: Word.

I'm tapped out for the week. You?

What I use: makeup and face products

No affiliate links because Homey don't play that.

Makeup
I should preface the makeup portion by saying I might wear makeup twice a week and that's usually on the weekend. Like Monday, yesterday, and today...zero makeup. When I do wear it, I wear some of these items (i.e. under eye concealer and lip gloss only, or mascara and lip gloss only, etc.) or on a rare day, all of them.

1. If there is a product I absolutely should use every day, it's under eye concealer. I had someone at Sephora test them on me a few years back and this was a great match: Yves Saint Laurent Anti-Cernes Multi-Action Concealer in pink beige. It is $38 and worth every blessed penny. When this runs out I'm going to try the it Cosmetics under eye concealer though, I've heard good things.
2. I basically use two eye shadows regularly and a third every once in a while. My regular shadows are Foxy from Urban Decay and Peach Beige from Sephora. Sometimes I'll wear my other favorite, Half Baked by Urban Decay.
3. If I use eye shadow, I use primer. Urban Decay is my favorite.
4. I use Prestige eyeshadow in Ebony as a liner. I am the freaking worst at eyeliner.
5. Eyelash curler is e.l.f. It's like $1 and it's just as good as the shu uemura $20 jobby. I've owned both. I can never find it online so I look for it in all stores and snatch them up as I go.
6. Recent convert to Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara - I'm going to take it a step further and say Better Than Erryting. I have tried one billion types of high end mascara and pretty much all the drug store brands. I've been using drugstore for a few years now. This one knocked my socks off. Thanks to Jill for the info on this.
7. I wear Sugar Fresh lips daily. Ruby is my actual daily wear, but it was in my purse. This is petal. I wear that a lot too.
8. I also wear F-Bomb by Urban Decay, a recent gift from Jana.
9. The thing I wear the least: it Cosmetics CC Cream. I have never been a full face person. But when I do wear it, I'm loving it and I love the high SPF.
10. I need bronzer with no talc. Jill recommended this to me and I love it: Physicians Formula Mineral Wear Talc-Free Mineral Airbrushing Bronzer.

I have NARS Orgasm blush if I need it but I really don't wear it.

Face at night...is uh, sometimes absolutely nothing. When I do the routine, it's this:

Step one: Neutrogena deep clean makeup wipes or Posh Pore-Fect face wash bar (not pictured)
Step two: Spritz of Teddy Organics rose water (not pictured)
Step three: Posh Impish Eyes
Step four: Posh Never Grow Up Anti-Aging Serum, let it sink in for about 10 while I wipe down the sink and toilet and pick up around the bedroom
Step five: Posh Never Grow Up Face Cream and StriVectin-TL tightening neck cream

Face in the morning

Step one: I alternate Posh BFF exfoliating daily facewash and Posh Pore-Fect face wash bar (not pictured). I also love St. Ives blackhead clearing scrub and St. Ives even and bright scrub and rotate them with the pricier BFF exfoliating face wash.
Step two: Posh Impish Eyes
Step three: Neutrogena clear face SPF 55 (I use a R+F one when I am continuously reapplying all day)
Step four: Posh Night & Day you are the one moisturizer

Do we have any product overlap?