Listen up: Christmas Playlist

Before ipods were as common as the cold, MFD and I made Christmas CDs for everyone each year. Then no one used CDs anymore. The End.

Just kidding.

Here's my Christmas playlist for this year without input from MFD, because between this kitchen renovation and mummery we barely have time to talk to each other let alone craft a Christmas playlist.  Some of these songs make it every year, of course. I kept it to 20 songs because you have better things to do.

1. All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah the Pariah. Kenny Schwarz is the only person I know who hates this song.

2. Christmas is Coming - Vince Guaraldi Trio. I think Charlie Brown is a weinerwhistle (I know this is not a popular opinion and some of you want to throw snowballs at me for this) but the music is wonderful.

3. The Christmas Story - Dexter Gordon

True Story: This poster hangs in our spare bedroom.

4. Danse of the Sugar Plum Fairies - Bela Fleck and the Flecktones

5. Last Christmas - Wham. I sang the shit out of this song in the car on Saturday. It was awesome.

Happy Christmas. I wrapped it up and sent it out with a note saying "I love you," I meant it now I know what a fool I've been but if you kiss me now I know you'll fool me again

6. A Marshmallow World - Bing Crosby

7. Mele Kalikimaka - Bing & The Andrews Sisters

8. Purple Snowflakes - Marvin Gaye

9. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town - Jackson Five

10. Sleigh Ride - The Ronettes

11. What Christmas Means to Me - Stevie Wonder

12. 2000 Miles - The Pretenders

13. Fairytale of New York - The Pogues. It was Christmas Eve, babe...in the drunk tank. I love love love love this song, always have and always will. My favorite unconventional Christmas tune.

14. There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays - The Carpenters

15. Father Christmas - The Kinks

16. Hard Candy Christmas - Dolly Parton



Merry Christmas Dolly. I love you.

17. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - BNL and Sarah McLachlan

18. Here Comes Santa Claus - Willie Nelson. God love you Willie Nelson. I hope you get a fat bag of weed from Santa.

19. Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley

20. Please Come Home for Christmas - The Eagles

If you're not familiar with any of these, I hope you check them out and enjoy them as much as I do.

Keep a good thought for us as we race to the finish line on this kitchen reno. We currently don't have a useable sink/garbage disposal, and our water is not hooked up to the fridge. Back splash would be a nice present under 12/20's tree. And we have one sad wreath up as decor. Clark is not well. I did buy him a t-shirt that said Go Griswold or Go Home. hahahah ho ho ho ho

HO HO HO mofos!

SMD

p.s. I just ordered Christmas Vacation, how the hell do I not own this already? Thank you Amazon.

Ninjas and other Wednesday Things

To kick off Wednesday Things, I will discuss Tuesday. It must be done. I hate Tuesdays, always have, they suck the life out of the week and serve no purpose. So I am always surprised when I have a Tuesday that sort of rocks. Yesterday was one of them. Thank you Universe.

All of my Christmas shopping is done and everything is wrapped. Thank you tiny baby awful wrap job jesus for gift bags. Kiss my grits bitches!

You can walk on my kitchen floor again, and we have some walls. From what I hear, we also now have appliances. The rest of the house is still a fucking war zone. I cannot wait to put this all back together after the counter tops are installed on Saturday. When you exist in an orderly space and are plunged into chaos, it screws with your head. Plus my dogs are puking, pissing and pooping wherever they please to show their great displeasure with what's going on. Is this over yet? How do people do longer renovations?

Eleven days out from Christmas we have no tree, indoor or outdoor decorations. MFD, aka Clark Gris, is not happy. Saturday we are missing two holiday parties and a dinner invite from dear friends to set things to rights and make Clark's heart fill with the joy of the season.

MFD and I are hosting a Christmas Open House on 12/25, and I'm plotting the menu this week, which I love to do. If you're hosting Christmas or the Eve, what are you having? Are you trying anything new? I want to try some stuff I've pinned on pinterest or starred on my Google Reader.

Jalapeno Popper Dip, you've made the cut. Congratulations.
You can thank Jessica W. for the gold star after I pinned her pin on pinterest. Say that three times fast.  

The sky was so gorgeous this morning I almost got into an accident staring at it.

I watched a Storage Wars marathon last night. I love that show. I would like to pitch my own show to A&E: Thermostat Wars.  MFD cranks the heat up and turns our house into a floppy sweatbox so he can meander around in shorts, flip flops and a t-shirt all winter. Meanwhile I'm so hot I'm panting and woozy and my skin is so dry it's about to crack. But he questions my need for humidifiers on every floor.  We conduct our Thermostat Wars like sniper ninjas. We don't discuss the heat. I hear "beep beep beep" from wherever I am and I know he's turned it up, so I wait a few seconds before slinking over and turning it down, "beep beep beep beep." A&E, this is a goldmine. I'll be awaiting your call.

And finally, the zit on my face looks like a flesh wound. Am I 14 or 34?

Searching around for some Clearasil,

SMD

Attention Kmart Shoppers: Brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things

I am so glad I have so many favorite things that I can make multiple favorite things blog posts. Sorry to those of you who liked "I'd like to buy the world a coke..." This one goes out to those Von Trapps even though I am not a fan of their antics and singing.

Attention KMart Shoppers: I threw some small gift ideas in here too, it being December and all. Did you know that if I am in a store with MFD and we are dispatched to get two different things, he will stand at the front and have me paged on the intercom? Then I get all red faced and go running to the front, and  he stands there laughing. Ho ho ho, you funny bastard.

FAVORITE THINGS

1. My quilt made specifically for me by my aunt Lori. Dogs, take note: this is not your quilt. It is awesome, and she does make them to sell if you are looking for a one of a kind gift.

2. Bruce Springsteen. Thanks to my Dad, who raised me on his music. If anyone in your life does not own this album, please buy it for them this holiday season. Or get them an iTunes gift card and stand over their shoulder while you force them to purchase each song.

3. Pinterest.com. Obsession and major time suck. Follow me: stephdoyle (if you need an invite, let me know!). For you crafty do it yourselfers, there are some awesome ideas on homemade gifts. HO HO HO mofos.

4. Making lists. Things to do, things to buy, things to see, people for karma to deal with in the appropriate manner.

5. Essie nail polish. OPI, you and your fat brushes are OUT. Since September 24, I've worn Essie's Merino Cool on my nails 80 percent of the time. Get some or give some as a stocking stuffer.

6. The original 90210. If anyone is looking to buy me a Christmas gift, I would like 90210 on DVD. All seasons. Please and thank you.

7. Chi-Chis. Yes, it's closed. Lori used to take me to lunch at the Oxford Valley Mall Chi-Chis almost every weekend in the late 80s/early 90s. Their taco salad is unparalleled, and I want to eat it again before I die. Please like the Bring Back Chi-Chi's Mexican Restaurant page on Facebook. Humor me!

8. I always forget how much I love Dolly Parton. Then someone mentions her and I remember. The wigs, the insane boobs, the tinkly laugh, the unfortunate starring role in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Islands in the Stream. Jolene. I Will Always Love You. And my favorite this time of year - Hard Candy Christmas. If that's not on your Christmas playlist, it should be. It is certainly on ours. MFD, please take me to Dollywood. But not next year, we have too many awesome vacation plans already set for 2012: Niagara Falls. San Fran. Tahoe. Carribbean Cruise. The poor house.

9. These socks from Le Crap. They are so comfortable and soft. Stuff them in someone's stocking.

10. Blackberry brandy. Put it in your tea for a hot toddy. Dear Santa, I need a lot of bottles. I was sometimes good.

11. This quote, which I live by:

12. This directive, and also the word turd itself:

13. This kicks the shit out of super dry and itchy winter skin:

14. The best iced tea to use when making your own at home:

15. Google reader, for keeping all of the blogs I follow organized and displays new posts ready for me to read when I have a minute to read them. To those of you who like to follow blogs and are not using this tool, I ask why the hell not? Sign up and keep all your blogs in one place. www.google.com/reader

Toodleoo, mofos. Happy shopping. A word to the wise: don't be grinchy, don't lose your shit over a parking spot, if you're cranky quarantine yourself to your room, and don't make the holidays all about yourself because that ruins them for everyone else. Spread cheer and smile until your face cracks.

Tastefully yours as ever,

SMD

You say goodbye and i say hello.

Goodbye, dishwasher.

Goodbye, microwave.

Goodbye, built-in stove.

Hello, crock pot in the living room.

Hello, Gus.

Hello, Monday.

This weekend, I:
-didn't sleep enough;
-learned some good things at the Relay Summit (http://www.southphillyrelay.org/);
-Had a lovely time drinking wine with Gail and Crystal, laughing at the shenanigans of Luke and Jack, and visiting with Aunt Carrie (thank you eternally for the beautiful bag) and Uncle Jim;
-Cursed pinot grigio for a bad hangover and ruining my trip to Target;
-Almost shit my pants in fear/anxiety watching American Horror;
-Was engulfed by a crotch rocket motorcycle gang while minding my own beeswax in my car: two to the front, two to the back, and two to each side, so freaking nerve wracking;
-Freaked out 29374938408 times about the kitchen not moving along fast enough in time to be done before Christmas;
-And slept on new pillows, for which we were seriously overdue.

Today began with my alarm not going off, and since I was so tired, I slept an hour and 15 minutes past it before I even woke up. Really? I've felt behind all day.

Is it 5 yet?

SMD

Taking a page out of US Mag.

This post is modeled after US Magazine's column 25 Things You Don't Know About Me...only they use famous people and I am not famous. Discuss amongst yourselves if reading US makes me shallow, vapid, and part of the problem with pop culture.

Andplusalso, everyone on my facebook newsfeed is all "Fa la la la la my house is fully decorated for Christmas, welcome Santa and tiny baby Jesus in your golden fleece diaper, we are so ready for you" and I'm all, "It's December 1, I have no kitchen, my entire house is chaos from this kitchen remodel, everything is dirty with a fine layer of drywall dust, early darkness makes me want to be a slug like Randy from A Christmas Story and lay on the couch not moving, and I feel stabby because I know Clark Griswold will be making a grand mess decorating the shit out of the house on December 22 since we're hosting a Christmas Open House."

Ahem. Back to the 25 things.

1. I don't like to run out of anything. My house is always stocked with at least one backup of everything, specifically canned goods, paper products, and cleaning tools. Relax, it's not like extreme couponer stock piling. I have one extra mustard, not 173. I get this fear of running out of something from my mom's side of the family. If there is ever any type of disaster and you can't get food from a store, we could live off of my pantry for a while. And clean.

2. My handwriting looks like a serial killer's. I was advised not to address any of my wedding correspondence, and I have carried that over to my Christmas cards. Thank you Michelle for your label making prowess and always taking care of me when you do yours. Laura, I am waiting for you to come over and re-label all of my shoeboxes with your P-Touch since my handwriting makes you cringe.



Ted Bundy? Did you write this?

3. I prefer cold beverages.

4. When I am concentrating or exercising, my tongue is always out. When I was little, I took gymnastics at Joel Baba and they constantly told me I was going to bite my tongue off. I quit gymnastics for unrelated reasons.

5. I prefer lukewarm or cold food (even if it's supposed to be served hot) and I put salt on everything without tasting it first.

6. I love the laughing Buddha. I have a bunch of them throughout my house.

7. One of my favorite toys as a child was a girl doll that I called The Boy. It is a frightening and awful doll that lives in our spare bedroom. I can't throw it away. Caveat: MFD suggested this one. This doll legitimately scares me as an adult, I dislike dolls anyway and this one looks like it was resurrected from Pet Sematary. I took a picture of The Boy against my better judgement. If this haunts me, we know who will pay.

Please don't come alive at night and kill us in our sleep, The Boy.

8. I don't like the top of my toes to be touched.

9. I love to sing along to the sweet sounds of the grocery store soundtrack even though I have an awful singing voice.

10. I'd rather be at the shore than anywhere else in the world. However, I disagree vehemently with paying for beach tags. This land is your land, this land is my land. I'd rather pay a fee to enter town.

11. Sometimes I reply "Your mother" to any question someone asks me, then I laugh like a maniac. Every time.

12. I don't do math.

13. I don't give a rat's ass about the NFL or NBA. The salaries and insane celebrations they participate in after doing what they are paid one zillion dollars to do really chaps my ass.

14. When I get really frustrated, I cry.

15. I love how heels look, but am past the age of caring to wear them. They kill my feet and it's not worth it.

16. I don't eat beets, coconut, very spicy foods, Indian food, bread or rice pudding, or overcooked meat.

17. I can't function in chaos. I need to create order. Naturally, I like my pantry neat, but not Sleeping with the Enemy neat.

18. I've never broken a bone or gotten stitches aside from my wisdom teeth.

19. I often think in song lyrics to describe things. If a night is very starry, "we drove out to the desert just to lie down beneath this bowl of stars" will pop into my head immediately.

20. I only watch Channel 6 - Action News.

21. I love mosaic glass and would have it all over my house if I could do so without coming off like a crazy glass-whore version of Miss Havisham.

22. I name all of my cars. My first car was Wheeza (Ouiser from Steel Magnolias). My current car is the fabulous Kelly Taylor.

23. I carry two cell phones. I am not a friend of Jason Bourne. I don't have unlimited texting on my work phone, and that is my preferred method of communication.

24. I adore quotes. In junior high I started quote notebooks, and I wrote in them through college. I still have them. I believe I spent 97% of my ninth grade biology class crafting my notebook.

25. It was hard to compose this list.

Inching towards grinching,

SMD

p.s. Thank you MFD for bearing the brunt of this kitchen bullshit.