Thursday Thoughts - But my heart keeps calling me backwards as I get on the 707

Colorful food. My favorite.

Looking for a contractor who works in NE Philly. Dependable, responsive, can work for a woman without being an asshole, and all that jazz. The time has come to put the 1960s blue bathroom out to pasture and get some other interior projects lined up as well. I want to get on someone's schedule ASAP.

Reminder. Via

Wellness. Two months in a row for massage for wellness, and the next booked for September, friends! See my sister in law Sarah at Blossom Massage & Body Work in Langhorne where Chuck E. Cheese used to be. You will not regret it. Lobby lights.

Rethinking what I own and preparing to do a major pare down.

Superb weather this week. The air feels like silk. Windows open is my best life.

Juggling schedules for the next month with MFD of which of us is where when taking care of what.

Counting down in shore weeks. Two more turnovers before Labor Day weekend break.

Understanding this in my bones.

Mr. Teeth's daily food games.

Aging dogs. Mae is losing her sight pretty rapidly we think, and she's confused and aggressive. We have an appointment for her at the vet in a few weeks but until then are trying to talk when we leave the room and approach her when we enter. She bites, and it leaves a mark even with no teeth. Much different than when Gus lost his sight and hearing. 

As for the other two...Bruce turned 5 Monday and Billy was unsuccessful in murdering people on the steps but successful in getting to a long-desired place.

 
What appears beyond the hyphen in Thursday Thoughts titles is what I'm listening to when I'm starting this - this week is Jet Airliner by Steve Miller Band

Keeping your dog in good health

Dogs are a part of the family, but since they can't talk, make decisions for themselves, or drive themselves to appointments, as humans we need to be vigilant stewards of their health. There are a lot of things you can do to make sure your dog is healthy and happy. These are some things I do.

1) Daily Checks

Like a daily eye check to make sure nothing is weird, they're not acting hinky or walking funny or markedly different in temperament and actions day to day. We wake up and assess ourselves daily. We need to do the same for them. 

2) Exercise Every Day

Just like humans, dogs need to exercise in order to stay healthy. Exercise helps to keep their muscles and bones strong, prevents weight gain, and can even improve their mental health.

How much exercise your dog needs will depend on their age, breed, and overall health. A good rule of thumb is to give them at least 30 minutes of exercise each day. This can be a mix of walking, running, playing fetch, or anything else that gets them moving around. Please do not get a dog if you are unwilling to make this commitment in all weather. 

If you’re not sure how much exercise your dog needs, talk to your vet during one of their regular check-ups. They will be able to recommend an appropriate amount based on your pet’s individual needs.

3) Feed Them A Healthy Diet

What your dog eats plays a big role in their overall health. A healthy diet will help to keep their immune system strong, give them energy, and prevent any weight-related issues.

There are a lot of different types of dog food, like refrigerated dog food walmart, available on the market, so it can be tricky to know which one is best for your pet. Talk to your vet about what type of food would be best for your dog based on their age, health, and activity level. They will be able to recommend a few good brands that meet all of your dog’s needs. I do a lot of reading before switching foods. You can find good food at a mid-level range, but please do not get dogs and think it's going to be a cheap endeavor. It is not. Ben is a picky eater and will not eat unless it's topped with some wet food, but in regards to dry foods I like Instinct Be Natural, Acana, Whole Earth Farms, and Canidae. I buy from Chewy. They have good sales sometimes and I stock up.

As important as the type of food is making sure you are giving them the right amount of food. Dogs come in all shapes and sizes, so the amount they need to eat will vary depending on their weight and activity level. There's a guideline on all foods based on pet weight. Use a measuring cup and get it right. If you are still unsure, ask your vet how much food you should be giving your dog each day, and stick to that amount.

Overfeeding can lead to obesity, which can cause a whole host of health problems. It's important to make sure they are getting the right amount of food each day.

4) Visit The Vet Regularly

It is essential to take your dog to the vet for regular check-ups and vaccinations. By doing this, you can catch any potential health problems early and prevent them from becoming severe.

Make sure to visit the vet at least once a year for a check-up, and more often if your dog is elderly or has any existing health conditions.

During these visits, the vet will  give your dog a physical examination and update their vaccinations. They may also recommend other tests or procedures depending on your dog’s age, health, and lifestyle. Regular vet visits are essential for keeping your dog healthy. I prefer a holistic vet that is not crazy with dog meds or unnecessary tests or procedures and will try alternative therapies, such as dog acupuncture. Both Gus and Geege benefitted greatly from that. I want a vet that works with CBD for dogs also. That kept Gus alive for years. 

Having dogs is so worth it, but it absolutely requires work and effort to keep them in good health. It's the least we can do for the love we receive from them!

 

Save it til the morning after

The my dog died starter pack: candles and incense, tissues, water, tea, the best frozen mac and cheese (Trader Joe's hatch chile mac and cheese), book to get lost in, and wonton soup.

Yesterday as most know, Gus left us before 11, and we lost our shit for a bit of course (and I will continue to lose it at intervals and for years LOL, it's just the grief process), then settled to couches for a quiet day. I lit my candles, drank my tea, read, tried to reassure the remaining pack members, and my Dad and Carol got us Chinese food for dinner. Wonton soup, the great comfort provider. I went to bed early as the previous two nights I got a total of nine hours of sleep wrestling with what was coming. It's a hard decision even when it's the right one.

You know that Duran Duran song Save a Prayer? Don't say a prayer for me now. Save it 'til the morning after. For me the worst day is not the day I have to put my dog down. It is the next day, because when I first wake up I forget for a split second, and when I am fully awake it is the first day without my dog in X years.

For us in this instance, 16. The first day without Gus on this earth in over 16 years.

Even when the life is good and full, it's never enough time with anyone or any animal we love. When people and pets we love die, we miss them forever, and their absence changes us. We grow around our grief and the spaces we make in our hearts for them to live there. We are not the same, and we shouldn't be. We'll be different but we'll be okay. Touchy as fuck for a few days, but okay. Tread lightly.

To anyone new or who has only been around for Gus’s very senior years, please know Gus was so very many things, but Gus was not a best good boy or a sweet boy so don't think I'm just forgetting to say those things when I speak about him. He was an unruly jackassser from the day he arrived to the minute he left this earth, who cared about very few things and beings other than himself, and he was loved, appreciated, and celebrated for exactly who he was. Here are some Gus posts so you get a feel for his personality: 

And then came Gus

From the Desk of Augustus Gloop

Dog Bedtime Rituals

And a few more general dog ones:

I never thought I'd be so casual about poop incidents

Things I wish we knew about puppies before we got a puppy

I was going to go back to the shore by noon on Christmas and spend my week off there but this obviously changed things and I am not keen to split the humans or animals up as we reset ourselves. 

Thank you to everyone who has sent love and sympathy. We’re still feeling raw and navigating a new Gus-less world , and as I was going to reply to some comments on Facebook this morning I started crying so I stopped. Ben was looking at me like Jesus we are all lost at sea LOL. So if we do not reply to a message, please know we are appreciative and feel the love.

Since this blog is a record for myself, the social posts will live here too, as it is unedited (obvi with its run on sentences and numbers that should be words but aren't due to instagram's character limit) and most true to how I felt yesterday. Apologies for the repeat as most of you have already seen this. This is for me. 

First of the pugs, king of them all, our faithful companion since he arrived at our home in October 2005 (& went right back out to Michelle’s housewarming party, peeing on her new rugs), Gus left us today to go where it is always sunny with grass to snooze on and oceans to wade in, where his best first guard Geege has been waiting since Sept 2017 with a host of other furry & human loved ones to welcome their liege with offerings of burgers & bones & adventures free from pain in an old, broken down body. My first dog, he was glued to my hip though my formative adult years, and it is impossible to express how big of a part he is in my journey and how enormously hard it is to close that out even though it is clearly time to do so. Picked out by MFD, he bit through my shirt at first meeting. Sleeping wrapped around my neck like a boa constrictor for 2 years, sitting next to me while I read 1,000+ books, my egg sous chef. He made us dog people, introduced us to the lovely & bizarre lifelong dog nickname process, witnessed our best and worst moments, and initiated 4 other dogs and a cat into our family before his reign ended, passing the torch to no one because he would trust no one with the position. An outsized personality intent on living the full breadth and width of every minute with disdain for anyone who blocked his path. A hater of costumes. An exaggerator of injuries for sympathy and food. Obstinate and dramatic, Gus excelled at rallying all other dogs to join him in creating messes & mayhem on his many adventures in this life. His hijinks are legendary. How lucky are we to have Gus with us for 16+ years, over 3 years after his vet said he would not live more than 6 months due to cancer. He heard that, and he lived on out of spite (with help from CBD oil) because no one tells Gus when to do anything, let alone die. MFD was the majority caretaker the past 1.5 years, making sure Gus was comfortable always while I watched like a hawk intent on not prolonging suffering. Gus has been welcomed, loved and fawned over everywhere, which he of course believed was his due as the king. Thanks to all who loved him with us. Love you forever Gussie boy.  8/29/05-12/27/21

TWTW - the last one with Geege

Geegie boy, forever would not have been long enough with you. Thank you for one more weekend of cheeseburgers and ice cream and a trip to the beach, of burrowing into my leg, of letting me lay with you and cry my heart out, of just being here. We tried to give Geege the best day ever Saturday so he went to the beach with us solo, rode in the front seat to feel the wind on his face, had ice cream, and didn't spend any time without one of us next to him. 

Geege, I will love everything about you always. I will miss everything about you always, especially your huge heart that in the end was not strong enough for all the love you had in it. I will remember everything about you always, especially never spending a day in your presence without your eyes on me all the time, how you greeted me ecstatically every time I came in the door even if I was only out front for two minutes, how you were always the best boy, how you had your own rabble rabble language, how you were a weekend warrior and always so tired on Mondays, 

how your tongue was always out when you were tired, how you liked to pause during walks and roll around in the grass, how much you loved to eat, how protective you were of babies, how you would wrap your tail around my wrist when I gave you your last pet at night, how we had a nose kiss/inside of the ear whisper ritual before I got in bed every night, how you lay on your dad's pillow before burrowing under the blankets in the winter, how bad your breath smelled but how much you loved to give soft kisses, how you loved your birthday cheeseburger on May 8, how I woke up with you laying back to back with me arching your head every once in a while to make sure I was still there, how you cried throughout our wedding ceremony because you were behind me and couldn't see my face,

how you were the only well behaved dog on car rides, how valiantly you patrolled the bay window ledge and front door, how you both barked and wagged your tail with your whole body, how much you hated fireworks and loud noises earning you the names Heebie Jeebie and Shakey Jakey, how you endured costumes stoically to humor me, how you always waited on the bathroom floor for me to get out of the shower, how you followed me around the house overseeing my chores, how good you were at putting up with Gus's jackassery and Mae's insertion into everything, how you loved the sun and the beach, how you were the best head tilter, how you always sniffed my eyes especially when I was upset, 

how you responded to each of your 190 nicknames, how you would sit languidly on my lap relaxing in the late afternoon sun letting me hold you during our porch sits, how you hated the heat but loved to dash through the snow, how you squeezed yourself into Mae's tiny dog bed, how you dug a nest to make yourself spots, how you weren't shy about making the other two move so you could sit with me, how you made every day okay even when it sucked, how much you loved all of us, how patient you were,

how very much you loved to run, and how you always ran like the wind but stopped at a certain distance to look back for me and wait for me to say go ahead Geege, mama's okay. So like I told you yesterday...go ahead Geege...mama's okay. Run like the wind forever. It is physically painful not to have you here but I am happy knowing you are running like the wind on the beach, through the fields near our house, all over Treat Lady's woods, and along Lake Chrisann as well as anywhere and everywhere I am. I'll carry you with me forever. You are at peace. I am at peace. So many people and dogs were there to greet you.

We are grateful that we had one last weekend together in the sun and in the comfort of our home, which will be okay of course, but never ever the same. We had the best life together, the four of us, then when Mae came the five of us.

Much thanks to Lap of Love for taking my phone call Friday night and for coming out on Sunday to our house so Geege could go peacefully at home on his couch surrounded by his pack. If you are local and you need to make this decision, please consider them. They are kind when you need it, truly compassionate, and make everything as easy as it can be. They left us with a paw impression and a lock of hair, and Geege's ashes will come back to us in a few weeks so he can be scattered in his special places.

Thanks so much to everyone for the lovely words and thoughts last week and especially this weekend. I absolutely loved sharing Geege with all of you - he was the best good boy and we all know it. I want you to know he was ready and at peace. If I have not responded individually, know that in that moment I could not and likely will not but I have read and absorbed and appreciated all of your kindness. Thanks for being with us in spirit, reading the terribly sad things we have posted on various forms of media way more than once, and being patient as we try to get the sad out so it can't take root inside. Thanks also to Kim and Mario who gave us Jake just before he turned three on May 6, 2007. He will always be one of the best gifts of our lives. This weekend was terribly painful but I would not give up one second of our 10+ years together to avoid one second of the grief.

Geege was thoughtful even at the end. I had all last week alone to grieve what was coming, and he knows I grieve best alone. He has watched me do it many times. Do you think dogs can be soulmates? He was mine. I will have other dogs but not another soulmate dog. He also knew his dad would need a few days when he got back, and he gave him that too. Yesterday we told the vet what we did with him on Saturday and he was shocked because by Sunday morning he was so very ready to go. We thought Geege's Best Day Ever was our last gift to him but it was actually his last gift to us. His heart and generosity with his love were huge even when the rest of his body was finished. 

Knowing it was time and having the vet confirm it does not make it any easier. I feel at peace because he is at peace and his comfort is more important to me than my own. Yesterday I learned that peace is not solace. I don't find solace anywhere right now. 

Universe, please be gentle with our household this week as our pack attempts to navigate the world with four instead of five. I feel like my skin is on inside out and I think every other living thing in this house feels the same. It's a very raw feeling like a small touch would burn. Sunday I did my food prep and over cooked my eggs and purged my house and read my book and acted in any way I could, because that's how I get through things. Action. Movement. And Geege was following me around like he always has and always will, watching that I do things right.

Goodbye for now in the physical sense, my best good boy.

It's the end of the world as we know it and I do not feel fine

Yesterday I compared this week to a down on its luck country song, and I wanted to be able to come back today and say that feeling is gone but it's not.

Don't worry, I am not going to be the person who talks daily about how her dog is dying. But he is, and that is affecting me in a major way so to ignore it is inauthentic. I can't have this blog if I can't be authentic. I cannot show you my joy and refuse to acknowledge my pain. Please don't feel like you have to say you're sorry or anything every time because that is annoying for you, you know? Just send some love.

On one hand I feel like I can't keep writing about this and on the other hand I feel like I can't stop. I know, you're like please...stop. LOL. I don't want to talk about it and I can't stop talking about it to myself. I don't care about anything else and that makes me angry with myself because there are so many other things to care about. I am trying to get through the day at work without crying at my desk (about half successful all week) so I can go home and be alone. I prefer to be sad alone. It was good for me that MFD was in Houston all week.

Monday night I cried and moped and Tuesday night I was in a fog. Both nights I was in bed before 9 pm. All of those things are quite foreign to me - if I cry, I am a quick crier. I don't mope and I don't walk around in a fog unless I have taken conflicting cough medicines and made myself feel like I was on ludes (are they still a thing?). Wednesday night I set out to be more productive and that's when I felt the best. If I am upset about something, I am most comfortable with action, even little things unrelated to what I'm upset about. So I tried. With my usual little self care perk me up things.

Like fresh nails in one of my favorites, OPI My Private Jet. I never use this color without singing I see a line of cars and they're all painted black

I started a new book and said fuck it to two, one that never worked for me and one I loved but felt like I couldn't spend another minute reading. I've gotten more ruthless in the past few months with my do not finish books. And another great Show Us Your Books month, of course. I am still getting around to reading the last 10 linker uppers. Did you catch up with the end ladies?

I saw my niece and I think she was literally the only thing I smiled about on Tuesday. It is impossible to not smile at her. She's funny.

I made a batch of power breakfast muffins to freeze. I always feel better having frozen food ready.

Shoe purging and organization has begun. When things feel chaotic, simplify. Simplify. And if your handwriting is like mine, for God's sake use a label maker. We're not heathens.

Fresh sheets + completed laundry. Freshness never hurt anyone.

Dogs. Always dogs. The incredible love they give is worth the heartache of watching them wane. 

Because it is fucking heartbreaking and it's not going to be something that can be solved with my usual perk myself up tricks. Last night MFD returned from Houston and I was back to laying around crying all night. I want to say I've gotten a grip, I'm handling this! But I haven't and I'm not and that's just how it is.

I think what surprises me the most about how I'm dealing with this is that I'm very straight forward when people I love die. I am sad, sure. I will miss them forever, of course. But I am also very circle of life and I handle it better. I am usually the one in the funeral line who does not cry. When it's time for someone, it's time. I accept that and I want them to have peace. I of course want my dogs to have the same but I want their time to be up when my time is up. For the millionth time, I wish my dogs could talk. This is animal grief this week, and it is ugly.

But this weekend, to the beach, which Geege has always loved. We'll carry him down to give him what might be his last few days in the sun.

Enjoy your weekend. Hug your people! Hug your dogs.