Friday, September 15, 2017

It's the end of the world as we know it and I do not feel fine

Yesterday I compared this week to a down on its luck country song, and I wanted to be able to come back today and say that feeling is gone but it's not.

Don't worry, I am not going to be the person who talks daily about how her dog is dying. But he is, and that is affecting me in a major way so to ignore it is inauthentic. I can't have this blog if I can't be authentic. I cannot show you my joy and refuse to acknowledge my pain. Please don't feel like you have to say you're sorry or anything every time because that is annoying for you, you know? Just send some love.

On one hand I feel like I can't keep writing about this and on the other hand I feel like I can't stop. I know, you're like please...stop. LOL. I don't want to talk about it and I can't stop talking about it to myself. I don't care about anything else and that makes me angry with myself because there are so many other things to care about. I am trying to get through the day at work without crying at my desk (about half successful all week) so I can go home and be alone. I prefer to be sad alone. It was good for me that MFD was in Houston all week.

Monday night I cried and moped and Tuesday night I was in a fog. Both nights I was in bed before 9 pm. All of those things are quite foreign to me - if I cry, I am a quick crier. I don't mope and I don't walk around in a fog unless I have taken conflicting cough medicines and made myself feel like I was on ludes (are they still a thing?). Wednesday night I set out to be more productive and that's when I felt the best. If I am upset about something, I am most comfortable with action, even little things unrelated to what I'm upset about. So I tried. With my usual little self care perk me up things.

Like fresh nails in one of my favorites, OPI My Private Jet. I never use this color without singing I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
I started a new book and said fuck it to two, one that never worked for me and one I loved but felt like I couldn't spend another minute reading. I've gotten more ruthless in the past few months with my do not finish books. And another great Show Us Your Books month, of course. I am still getting around to reading the last 10 linker uppers. Did you catch up with the end ladies?

I saw my niece and I think she was literally the only thing I smiled about on Tuesday. It is impossible to not smile at her. She's funny.

I made a batch of power breakfast muffins to freeze. I always feel better having frozen food ready.

Shoe purging and organization has begun. When things feel chaotic, simplify. Simplify. And if your handwriting is like mine, for God's sake use a label maker. We're not heathens.

Fresh sheets + completed laundry. Freshness never hurt anyone.

Dogs. Always dogs. The incredible love they give is worth the heartache of watching them wane. 
Because it is fucking heartbreaking and it's not going to be something that can be solved with my usual perk myself up tricks. Last night MFD returned from Houston and I was back to laying around crying all night. I want to say I've gotten a grip, I'm handling this! But I haven't and I'm not and that's just how it is.

I think what surprises me the most about how I'm dealing with this is that I'm very straight forward when people I love die. I am sad, sure. I will miss them forever, of course. But I am also very circle of life and I handle it better. I am usually the one in the funeral line who does not cry. When it's time for someone, it's time. I accept that and I want them to have peace. I of course want my dogs to have the same but I want their time to be up when my time is up. For the millionth time, I wish my dogs could talk. This is animal grief this week, and it is ugly.

But this weekend, to the beach, which Geege has always loved. We'll carry him down to give him what might be his last few days in the sun.

Enjoy your weekend. Hug your people! Hug your dogs.

32 comments:

  1. My heart breaks for you. I'm very stoic, I think, when it comes to people, but animals...unconditional love. Every time.
    Sending you all love and light during this tremendously difficult time. Prayers for passage marked by peace and love. Be gentle with yourself. Take the time you need in the way that you need it. xoxo

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  2. I'm glad that you're doing things to try and pull yourself out of the funk, if only temporarily. But also know that feeling like this is OKAY! We're all here to love and support you because it's not easy. Sending you LOTS of love!!! I hope the beach is wonderful this weekend!

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  3. Sending lots of love your way. The last blog post I wrote on my Lulu and Daisy blog was about the loss of Daisy. She was 17. My child. I think her stubborn ass is reincarnated in my new pup, Ahsoka. Lol
    I know how you're feeling and if I was near, I'd hug you and cry with you...but only for a minute. Grieve it and enjoy this time with him. ❤️

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  4. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm thinking about you, MFD, & Geege.

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  5. .... & crap.... & now I'm choking up. I am with you... why cant their time be up when our time is up? That's how I want it as well. Only seems right.
    I'm glad you have someone in your world that you cant help but laugh with though. You need those people more than ever during these times.

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  6. Dang it - I was doing OK with keeping it together and trying to think of something to say until the last part. I don't know you - but anyone who's read any of your blogs would just KNOW how much your dogs mean to you. This is your space so write whatever you want. We're here for you and sending so many comforting thoughts your way.

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  7. No. I can't accept the loss of Geege, I can't. I've been following him for 6 years now, I love him like my own, and I need him to live forever like Hawkeye and Gus and Mae. You can write and cry about it all you want, you deserve to. I'm crying about it.
    P.S. your nails look great.

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  8. I hope that you have the best weekend at the beach with Geege and take a million pictures of him basking in the sun and sand. I am sending you all my hugs right now. All of them.

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  9. Write about it as often as you must, its not annoying, its real. sending love and hugs your way and here's to you and geege having a special beach weekend. take lots of pics, cry those tears and cherish every second.

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  10. SENDING SO MANY HUGS TO YOU GUYS. I hope that Geege has the best time just being with those he loves/those who love him. It's so devastating when a pet is near his/her time :(

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  11. I hear you, Steph. I don't cry at funerals either but I could not stop crying when my Emeril passed. It's so hard when someone you love so deeply is near the end and you don't know what to do or how to help them. I second-guessed myself constantly if I was helping or hurting. And in the end, all I could do was love on my Emeril, just like that's the best thing you can do too. Geege has lived an amazing life thanks to you and MFD. He's been deeply loved and cherished and that's all a dog (or anyone) wants. Sending you and Geege lots of loves and hugs (and belly rubs to Geege).

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  12. Sending love and light. Hoping for the most gorgeous sunrises you've ever seen for you and Geege this weekend!

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  13. Barkley and Geege are the same age (I think their birthdays are like a week apart or something) and he's not his best self lately, either. My heart breaks for you guys and you know I am a text or phone call away even if you just need me to listen to you cry

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  14. This brought a tear (more than one actually) to my eye. My heart aches for you. Losing a dog is so so difficult and heart-breaking. Hugs to you and to Geege. He is a lucky dog and has had a wonderful life.
    PS: I did LOL at the label-maker/heathen comment.

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  15. Hugs and scritches to Geege and you too (you might like scritches too, no judging!) - this shit is rough and I think what makes it harder with dogs is that we are usually the ones having to guide them to the end. We see it coming but they likely do not. Wishing you both sunshine and warmth even as the days get shorter.

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  16. Talk about Geege all you want. The good, the bad, the sad. I love dog people- I think they're some of the best folk on the planet. And nothing makes them all that great except their dogs. Even with half the world on fire and the other half under water, it's 100% ok to talk and mourn and celebrate your dog. Their wonderful little hearts are here for a reason and it'd be a disservice to them if we dismissed their exit from the world without a tear. Soak up all the time with your Geege and don't stop writing about him <3

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  17. I will say that I'm sorry because it's terrible and heart breaking and painful... and no one should have to deal with it. sending you love and positive vibes.

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  18. Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend together with the dogs. So sorry to hear about this pain you are going through :( I think the grief that you describe is so spot-on - it can be so so so challenging to go through this with animals for that exact reason that they can't tell you. Thinking of you all.

    PS - I'm with you on DNF books even though I have a feeling you are talking about one I loved ;) Sometimes what I actually do is "pause" on them if it does seem like a book that I'd like to finish later, but there's so many books out there to read and it's meant to be pure enjoyment!

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  19. I hate when you cry. I hate losing furry kids. I love you all. Lola is a great diversion. ✨✨✨✨✨😇😇😇😇😇💖💖💖💖💖

    Your. Momma.

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  20. My heart breaks for you. I think the best you can do is try to make his last days his best days. I tried to do the same with Angel. Lots of time outside, car rides, ice cream and hamburgers from McDonald's. Make him comfortable. Lots of love to you, and to poor Geege. They bring us so much love they are worth the tears. Hang in there.

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  21. First, I'm sorry about Geege. I am. From my heart. Second, being a life long dog mom, a foster of senior dogs, medically fragile dogs, hospice dogs, I have dealt with the same journey you are many times the last couple of years. The few things that help me, helped me make decisions that I wasn't ready to make were these: Dogs do not think like humans. They don't think "Oh I only have (a day, a week, a month) left. They think in moments. SQUIRREL! Dogs do not always stop eating when they are ready. It's better to give them peace a day too soon than a day too late. Going out on a high note is always better than a second of pain.

    That being said, if you have any questions, thoughts, want to vent or whatever, feel free to contact me.

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  22. You should cry and mope all you want. I also prefer to grieve and mope alone. Sending all the love to Geege and all the thoughts and prayers for peace to his humans. They can't live forever and I know that so I tell myself I have to make their lives as happy as possible, and you're doing that for your pups. That's the only thought that would give me some peace.

    Off to hug my dogs...

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  23. Oh, Steph. I really am sorry! And I'm sending you tons of love. Geege has had the best life because of you. I feel like I'm the same with people who have passed away. I attended my uncle's funeral with a dry eye (and then felt guilty about it), but two weeks later when my dad called me at work to tell me our dog was gone I had to leave early and take a sick day the following day. I knew it was coming, but I could not hold it together! I totally understand your pain and you should deal with it how ever you need to.

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  24. My parents lost their cat this summer. Even though the cat came into their lives long after I left that home I was still devestated.
    I am feeling extremely unsettled in some areas of my life so I'm organizing as much as I can in other areas even if it is something really small. My meals are all planned, my outfits, and my paperwork at work is all up to date. I think it helps a tiny bit.
    Yes to fresh sheets I just changed the sheets at 9:30 pm.
    Again I'm sorry about your dog it just stinks no way around it.

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  25. Steph,

    What you're going through is not annoying in the slightest. I've always admired you for being real, no matter how much it hurts. Life isn't always full of sunshine and daises - sometimes it rains and gets windy and when we get blown over by the wind, we have to figure out how to pick ourselves back up and get on with it. I have 3 fur babies myself (two cats and a dog). Granted, they have a long time before they go (provided no medical problems occur), but I still dread when that day comes because they have been there for me in so many ways...sometimes more than most people are there for me. <3

    Hang in there.

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  26. I came home to fresh sheets on Wednesday, and it was the greatest feeling in the world... until I had to get up a few short hours later to leave for Boston. I'm hoping they still feel as fresh when I get home tomorrow.

    As far as Geege goes, I am sorry that you're hurting. I understand. There's something very comforting about dogs, and it hurts when we aren't able to give them the same comfort that they bring to us. It's not annoying at all. It's real.

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  27. I've been thinking a lot about you lately, and just saw your instagram post about scheduling the appointment for tomorrow. There is absolutely nothing anyone can say to make this better. Just know that we are here for you, and I do know exactly what you are going through. He will always be with you, and will be waiting for you at the rainbow bridge. I'd like to think he will meet Cooper and they can chat about their mom's named Steph. Hang in there. Take whatever time you need - he IS part of your family. Much love.

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  28. It is totally okay to blog about this. You should talk about George. If I've learned anything it's that NOT talking about it makes it worse. Sending love and good thoughts.

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  29. you don't need to apologize for sharing pain and sadness here. it's YOUR page, steph. it should reflect every aspect of your life, not just the better parts, the happier moments.

    i never really understood what it was like to lose a pet until i was in my late twenties. we'd had dogs before, but they'd either run away (because my brother was an idiot) or were given away (also because my brother was an idiot). but the last dog we had was a french mastiff (think turner and hooch) who lived to be eleven, three years longer than the average. we'd had him since i was a junior in high school. he had hip dysplasia, and we had to put him to sleep. i'd been staying with my parents at the time, and the dog had been living with them (technically, he belonged to my idiot brother). both my brothers and mom took him to the vet. i got ready for work. they came home just as i was leaving, and one look at them, i started bawling and called in. i had no idea how difficult it was. so i understand, well now, how your heart is breaking. i wish i had words to make it better for you, but i don't.

    i would've held onto nick a little longer that day, a lot harder. so yeah, hug your people... hug your puppies.

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  30. I'm a bit behind in reading blogs at the moment but I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I know that it's never easy saying good bye ... There are never any right words.... But just know that all these people, your friends and family, we're here for you if you need it. We all feel so connected to your brood and it's always say to see one of our furry friends leave us, no matter how much you try to prepare yourself for the inevitable. Cry and then cry some more... I still cry thinking about my mom's dog Quincey passing in April but at the same time, I'm glad that I was there. It's just so fucked up though, there one minute and gone the next....

    Sending you much love, hugs and light. Geege, run like the wind fella and may you greet mom and dad at the rainbow bridge someday.

    xoxoxxox

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