Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Concert Douchery

This weekend I was in a large concert crowd two days in a row, which I usually try to avoid because large crowds turn me into Zuel and it's best if the public and I are not exposed to each other with such frequency. Concerts are great for people watching. And when people watching, it's always fun to play Spot the Douche. In a sea of humanity, it's not that difficult.

You have the can you please sit down-ers, which, no, I cannot. Actually, I do sit down because someone (MFD) urges me to, and then I get pissed and I stand up again because this is the encore of a concert and I believe it's an appropriate show of thanks and respect to the artist who just played for hours and go fuck yourself for making me turn around and explain to you that everyone else is standing up. When I go to a concert or a sporting event, I fully expect people in front of me to be so in the moment that they stand to express that. I either stand as well or I sit and listen. Something I never do: ask them to sit down. If you want to see perfectly, watch it on TV. p.s. saw you up dancing during Call Me Al, you cannot dance then be the dance police when others are dancing

You have the shushers. I hate shushing. And at a concert, people are going to sing and cheer and right on, you guys. It's your time too. Concerts are interactive experiences. The performer needs the crowd and the crowd needs the performer. For those of you who want to listen to a song so quietly you can hear a pin drop, stay in your living room.

You have the non-stop talkers. On the other hand, there are people who need more than a shush...if you wanted to just talk the entire time, why did you pay to come inside? You can do that in the parking lot for free.

You have the wild boars using inside toilets. Ladies (and I use that term loosely), if you spray the entire seat with your pee, wipe that grossness up. If you don't, someone else has to. And that's fucking disgusting, animal-like behavior.

You have the Very Important Person Leaving the Concert (VIPLC). This person does not follow the one to one etiquette of the parking lot, as in one person from each direction goes, taking turns, so that the line moves and everyone gets home. This person busts themselves up to the front and cockblocks everyone from escaping parking lots.

You have bros. Although to be fair, bros annoy me everywhere and I am up my my eyeballs in bro encounters recently so I have zero tolerance right now. I saw a guy in a white blazer and sunglasses at night at Peter Gabriel/Sting that looked like he was attending the Catalina Wine Mixer and not a freaking concert on the lawn in Camden, New Jersey.

Tell me your concert douches.


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p.s. in the non-douche vein, happy birthday to my cousin Courtney!









33 comments:

  1. The non-stop talkers. Fuck. They anger me. I have stronger words for them than just calling them a "douche".
    I'll add the "I'm going to take pictures and record the entire concert with my camera phone" people. If you want to look at pictures or recordings, go to google images or youtube. Take a few snaps, then put the phone away and enjoy the live experience.
    The last paragraph had me snort with laughter.

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  2. All of those reasons are why I limit my concerts to one a year LOL! xo, Biana -BlovedBoston

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  3. Lol. Lol. Crowds, in general, annoy me. Claustrophobic situations, ugh! Amen on the wild boar ladies room people. I am looking forward to awesome concerts on the other side with my faves singing all my favorite songs. In the meantime, playlists by the pool and in the car and my homemade CDs are winners! Thanks again for the Solsbury Hill video on Instagram. Another glorious June day! Trying the happy hour at Crossings Vineyard this fine evening. #wineisfine. Love. Your. Momma.

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  4. Concerts are so much fun, unless you deal with the people you mentioned. Especially the gross bathroom ladies, yuck!

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  5. The drunks that can't control themselves are always my least favorite concert goers, they're rude and loud.

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  6. I just laughed out loud at the Bros comment. So funny! I can't stand the selfie stick people. If you want to do one or 2 to say you were there, ok...but the entire concert with the selfie stick - put it away! Just a side note, I don't like selfie sticks at all and have extremely long arms but I understand the need for people with short limbs.

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    1. I don't see a ton of selfie sticks in public anymore!

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  7. I don't attend many concerts in the summer (free concerts are the worse) because of ALL the reasons above. I swear concerts at outdoor places are always have the worse crowds. The last outdoor concert, the guy standing next to me was texting and smoking the whole time. The venue is non-smoking but he didn't care. It was so horrible.

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  8. I don't think I've ever encountered a shusher at a concert. The majority of the concerts I've been to have been really loud, though, so maybe the non-stop-talkers lost their voices early on trying to talk over the music and maybe the shushers had no one to shush, or perhaps they, too, lost their voices shushing the non-stop-talkers early on and therefore I didn't hear them. LOL! I'll have to be on the lookout for these ppl next time.

    In my concert experiences, I seem to always attract two kinds of douchebags. The first, and most frequent, is the "I'm so wasted, I can barely stand up drunk." If you like you get your drink on at a concert, go for it, for I seriously don't mind as long as you maintain some basic etiquette and keep your wits about ya. But, when you're so damn drunk that you keep invading my personal space, spill your beer all over me, and/or keep trying to talk to me when I'm obviously trying to experience the concert, then I lose my patience and tolerance. The second, which I don't encounter very often anymore, are what I call the "invaders" at festival seating concerts. Several years ago, Bon Jovi was playing an outdoor, festival seating concert at the Greenbrier Classic golf tournament in WV. My husband and I arrived early, when the gates opened at 3pm, so I could get a good space close to the stage, even though the concert didn't start until 8pm. It was early July and WV was experiencing a freak heat wave - it was near 100F. Around 7:30, the invaders started creeping towards the stage, where I, along with many other very faithful and maybe slightly crazy fans, had been camped out for 4.5 hours enduring near 100 degree temps in the full, blazing sun along with 90%+ humidity, and attempted to get in front of us. Luckily, there were so many of us with lawn chairs, umbrellas, and short fuses that we formed a perimeter and their attempts were squashed. I told one guy, "Buddy... You've lost your ever-lovin' mind if you think for one iota of a second that I'm going to let you jump in front of me after I've sat out here since 3 and have probably had a heat stroke. If you wanted a better view, you should've come earlier." Asshat.

    Fun post, girl!

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  9. Someone told me about a child named Catalina and I couldn't stop thinking about the Catalina wine mixer.

    Okay so I have to admit I hate concert singers unless the artist has specifically said to sing along. I paid to hear them, not the guy behind me's off-key, in the shower rendition. Cheer all you want, though, post song or solo. Couldn't agree more on the talkers, though, and that one guy who always has to cut everyone off.

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  10. HAHAHAHA, I love this post so much! We've been to so many concerts and I literally have a vision of each person you've described. Honestly, concert parking lots are the WORST! My best friend and I ubered to the last one we went to to avoid it all, ha!

    I freaking HATE the uncontrollable drunks. The ones who stumble 15 feet from their blanket to yours (we do a lot of lawn sitting) and slobber all over their girlfriends or vomit. On the grass. Beside us. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.
    Dave Matthews is my all time favorite concerts because the fans are usually pros and they usually high (lol) and they're so nice and they actually enjoy the music they're coming to hear (verse the artist just being the next big thing). LOVE this post!

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  11. OMG the dance police ahahahahahahahaha.

    i hate the drunk fuckwits who are so hammered that they're spilling their shit all over the place and by that, i mean all over my shoes. look, i get that people want to drink and have a good time but if you're going to get rip-roaring shitfaced, at least stick yourself in a corner away from the crowds who will probably end up kicking the shit out of you.

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  12. I almost wrote an entire post last year, complete with video, about the middle-aged men at the Jake Owen concert. They were yelling, hooting, hollering, waving lighters, etc. It was just really odd for two fifty-year old guys and their wives to be going nuts at a Jake Owen concert. Like, they were disrupting the concert from our point of view.

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  13. One of my LEAST favorite parts of going to a concert is this. Everything you just mentioned. I was just at Beyonce and luckily left unscathed, but I've been to concerts with the worst, most disruptive, drunk & horrendous people around me. I'm better off watching the concert DVD alone on my couch.

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  14. How about the "it's an outdoor venue so I can smoke where ever I want smokers". No, you still have to go stink it up in the designated smoking area asshole!

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  15. LOL this is every concert I've been to ever, no matter what the genre or the artist. The spraying of the toilet seat is the worst, but having to use porta-potties at an outdoor venue takes the cake. The smokers, the shushers, and the non-stop talkers... ugh :-P

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  16. hahah, concerts are not my main jam. I like them but for all the reasons above, they kinda stress me out! I totally get people wanting to stand up as much as I get people wishing they could sit and enjoy the concert. It's always a battle! However, you're right that it does show respect. And if a concert naturally makes you want to stand, that's a pretty cool thing.

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  17. I lose it over the people taking cell phone video the entire time...what the hell are you going to do with it? Watch it over and over? Put your phone away and enjoy the concert.

    Also, the people in the row who have to leave 45347397 times. I get going to the bathroom or to get drinks once or twice, but every 10 minutes has me wanting to refuse to let you back into the row.

    And lastly (I didn't realize I had so many to add) are the people who walk all over your shit in lawn seats and slowly creep closer and closer. I try to avoid lawn seats as much as possible, but when I am forced to have them, I get in early to put down a blanket and get a decent seat. So, don't show up 20 minutes after the concert starts and walk all over my shit to find a seat and then try to shove your 10 foot wide blanket in a 2 foot wide space next to mine.

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  18. That sounds like the best game to play when at a concert, and it sounds very similar to the game that we play in Vegas, working girl or not working girl. And why do women never wipe the seat off ! Gross!

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  19. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh the Catalina Wine Mixer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant stop laughing!!!! LOLOLOL. There are bros or as I like to call them brahs....everywhere. And they are the easiest of the douches to pick out. Because they are not trying to hide their douchery at all, they were it like pride. If I am at a concert or sporting event, like you said, I plan on people singing, cheering, dancing, standing up a lot, whatever. That is why I limit my outings to something I really want to go to, and other shhhhhhhhers should too.

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  20. i love concerts and festivals but YES these people always cascade on the events and drive me MAD

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  21. Yes to all of these . . . plus the excessively drunk aholes who cannot make it through the event. Also, the excessive cussers - I like to cuss with the best of them, but those too loud folks that only speak in cuss words annoy me. And people who stink. Enough said.

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  22. The bros & the wild boars! They're all annoying but those 2 really bother me.

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  23. Hahaha it sounds like we have a very similar tolerance for crowds! I can't stand the drunk sweaty men intent on starting a mosh pit right next to me, or the people right in front of me who film the whole thing using their giant iPad which means I therefore have to watch the whole concert through that same iPad because I can't see around it and my retinas have now been entirely ruined. GTFO.

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  24. We had a real serious altercation with a couple that told me and my mom to sit down at a Brooks & Dunn concert last Fourth of July. A concert isn't an opera, and I will sing, dance, and clap as I please.

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  25. LOL... Yeah, I hate the people who tell you to sit down. It's a concert, song, dance, applaud... Just lighten the f up!

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  26. HAHAHA!! I love that you created names for certain types of concert goers. Sushers!! Seriously, it's a freaking concert! I don't know how I would handle someone telling me to sit down or shush... I think I'd go back to my old ways, and I've come along way from my chingona days.
    XOXO
    www.mrsaokaworkinprogress.com

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  27. ALLLLL Of these! Why in the world is someone paying good money to go to a concert and then not having a blast? Sitting there shushing people is NOT the way to enjoy a concert. Get into it...enjoy it!
    I also can't stand the too drunk to function people. I was also in the pit for a concert once and had this random guy that was completely out of his mind drunk grinding on me. When I shoved him off and told him to stop he got pissed because he was having a good time. I don't care if you're having a good time...go grind on someone else!

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  28. Amen to all of the above! I can't pick which one is worse! The people telling you to sit down has been the worst for me lately, it's really obnoxious. I don't even expect to sit at a concert, and if I need to sit I assume I won't see anything. No big deal.

    Funny story, I applied to a campaign on clever girls for a sponsored post about cottonelle at music festivals and I legit put in the 'why you want to post about this' - "because ladies need to be told to clean up after themselves and carrying cottonelle wipes, TP, and toilet seat covers should help with this issue." Really hope I get the post!

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  29. After DMB last weekend I have one to add: The Space Stealers. No, lady, you do not get to lay out your blanket, stand BEHIND it, put your shoes down in FRONT of it (your shoes should be on your feet, that's disgusting), and then police where I walk. We're on the lawn, it's every man for himself with real estate. Stand on your blanket or roll it up. I always try to never step on other people's blankets, but I was coming back from the bathroom and trying to get to my spot when I go to step over this on blanket and this one girl reaches out all "WOAH, WOAH, WOAH!" and then when I indicated I was going to step OVER her blanket, she goes "but that's where my shoes are." Are you kidding? Just for that I'm walking across the 15x15' blanket that you're not even using.

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  30. The people yelling out requests for songs. Unless the artist asks, shut up and appreciate the setlist you get.

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  31. i remember someone asking me to sit down at a concert once and i laughed.. i thought they were kidding. why would i pay to sit during the songs or encore? no. i sit during the acts, or a bad song lol. we ended up swapping seats with them because we didn't want to sit, and they didn't want to stand.

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