Friday, October 17, 2014

Tales from the Commuting Crypt: Shuttle Bus Shenanigans


Disclaimer: Nothing was harmed in the writing of this blog post except my pride. 

Most weekday mornings I'm like the girl in The Exorcist and if you even glance at me my head spins around. MFD actually has a great imitation of this that is hilarious and spot on. Wednesday morning, MFD tells me five minutes before I had to leave that he needs to switch cars with me. I react as well to last minute plan changes as most people react to the flu, which is not very fucking well. Make those changes in the morning and you are entering demon territory at your own risk, sir.

I huff and puff out to his car, throw it in reverse, and feel something weird going on. I'm already late because I had to pause to throw a toddler-era hissy fit inside, so whatever's going on, I don't have time for it. I get out and touch the front passenger tire and it's low. In the words of the late great Whitney Houston on the short lived reality series Being Bobby Brown, hellll to the no. I drive slowly to the train station, comforting myself by composing overly dramatic, bitchy texts to MFD in my head.

I arrive 45 seconds before the train. Goody! There's still a shuttle bus in the parking lot. I sprint to it like an Olympian. There's only room for me on the stairs, but I ignore all safety first practices (sorry Laura) and get on anyway, as does a man running behind me who everyone is yelling at for being slow. As soon as Slow Man steps on, the shuttle driver takes off like a shot, careening around corners in the parking lot. I don't even have time to feel smug about being a fast runner for the first time in my life before shit hits the fan.

One second I'm standing upright and the next I'm against the doors, which are now cracked letting a humid breeze in. It takes a second for my brain to realize I've fallen and there are some old ass doors keeping me from falling again. My fingers are uncurling from the railing and my feet are sliding in my flip flops. Slow Man is death gripping me with one hand and pushing the lady who fell on top of me back upright with the other. I need to get my shit together.

I pull myself up and away from the doors with Slow Man's help, thanking him profusely. In a day that has a pedicure, new books awaiting pickup at the library, and a hair appointment on its agenda, I did not think my high point would be not falling out of a shuttle bus and that it would come before 7:35 a.m. Because seriously what kind of fool falls out of a shuttle bus? Nearly this one. You do not want to have to tell people you broke your face falling out of a shuttle bus. That's not a cool injury at all.

Just before we screech up to the curb and exit, Slow Man states quite proudly and clearly, "I guess I'm not so slow after all. " No sir, you are not. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Commuting is hazardous to my health some days, but at least there's usually a good WTF story in its wake. TGIF!

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32 comments:

  1. Oh yikes! Glad you are safe - I can imagine that was scary!

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  2. Oh my goodness! It was a good thing he made it on the there so he could help you! I'm afraid to ask about the tire though.

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  3. haha, that was a good quip from slow guy!

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  4. Omg...crying laughing. I am not sure if Slow Man wasn't behind you that you would have been able to stay in the shuttle. Slow man saves the day!

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  5. Coffee was dribbling from my mouth.... at your expense. I'm sorry that happened. But oh, you have such a way wih words, and I can picture this happening. Slow Man FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!

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  6. oh no! hurray for Slow Man! this makes my work commute sound not so exciting at all! ;) happy weekend!!

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  7. Gahhhh I hate when John does shit like that to me in the morning. His gas tank is ALWAYS empty when I get in it too.

    Also, thank god for Slow Man and that you didn't fall out of the shuttle. Although that would have been hilarious. Only if you were not hurt, of course.

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  8. Before I read what he said, I was thinking the same thing... at least a part of him is quick! Glad he was able to save you from complete embarrassment (and physical injury).

    And I love how no matter what happens, we're always able to somehow blame our spouses for triggering the chain of events!

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  9. LoL! So happy you're oK! That would've been scary and awful - esp because you can't control WHEN/WHERE the shuttle bus would've "dropped" your ass out of! Tell MFD he owes you some pampering for your troubles!!! A girl can always use winter boots right ;) Have a great weekend Stephanie! -Iva

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  10. Slow Man must be some kind of weird superhero in disguise.

    That is a shit way to start a day but I'm glad you're okay.

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  11. hahaha omg I can't believe he stood up and said that. that man is a gem. too funny.

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  12. Ugh, I can't even imagine public transportation. Granted, I've hopped on that bandwagon a time or two and I love to people watch as much as the next guy, but I can definitely agree that commuting publicly could be hazardous to my health. In more ways than one.
    P.S. I just noticed your tagline for comments: "I SAID GOOD DAY." I'm dying. That's probably my most fave one yet. Keep on, keepin' on girlfriend.

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  13. The part about composing overly dramatic texts in your head to calm down is so me!

    Good thing the slow dude can catch!

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  14. So basically I need to see MFD's impression of you because this sounds awesome.

    Secondly, hurray that slow man redeems himself and saves the princess! I for one am glad you did not fall out of the shuttle bus because I would hate to feel like a bitch for pointing and laughing at you...

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  15. Thank you to the universe for sending the Slow man angel to the rescue. I can't imagine that daily commute at all, but understand not driving to the city each day.
    Extra lights and angels around all of us always. Time to ramp up the coverage of the lights and the angels with all the craziness going on! Extra healing lights to all of your cells, too. Assuming the air in all tires is up to snuff.
    Love your MOMMA and happy weekend!

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  16. Any day that requires a Whitney "Helllll to the no" is not a good one! But luckily some weirdo was there to save the day! =) Tell MFD to get his shit together and give you advance warning next time. Clearly this is all his fault. =)

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  17. Now that is a commuting story!! Glad you're ok though!

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  18. HAHAHAHHA, this is hilarious!

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  19. hahaha I compose bitchy texts to Wiki all the little long day when I feel he has wronged me.

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  20. Oh my, glad you are okay! That sounds scary.. I would have totally panicked. Laughing about the composing dramatic text messages in your head because I'm guilty of that too.

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  21. Lmao! I love that he felt the need to say his comeback. And thank goodness he was able to catch you! Both for pain and pride reasons. I know from the broken ankle dog park incident that some stories you don't want to have to repeat a million times.

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  22. OH my gosh- lol! That was a great story for this end of the work day! Glad youre okay! :)

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  23. Girl, if I had to do what you do every day I would be in the looney house...thank goodness you didn't break your face and had the nail & hair appts. on the agenda!! High five to slow man! And I bet MFD got another ass chewing...ha!!

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    1. I was def relating to the fact that I do not take kindly to last minute changes when I am running out the door - usually late anyway. I cracked up with how interesting you made the story of almost falling out of the bus. My story would sound like this "I almost fell out of the bus today" "and Slow Man saved my ass". Yours is way more entertaining but most importantly glad you are OK.

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  24. oh my god! thank goodness for slow man!! you go, dude. jeepers, how terrifying though. i don't deal well with changes, last minute or not when they involve changing my plans.. or changes in general lol

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  25. Haha! Points to slow man! I'm glad he was there to help you. And I think we need a video of MFD's impersonation of you. If it's not online, it didn't happen. Hah. :)

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  26. Oh you are such a great story teller. I imagine being at your house for dinner would include me constantly giggling and snorting the entire time! Way to go, Slow Man!

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  27. um fuck no. if my husband did that, i'd say tough shit and leave with my car. like you, i can't stand last-minute changes, especially when i'm late!

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  28. Oh no!! Glad you are ok...so scary! I do not deal with any kind of change in plan in the middle of the morning routine, you have to tell me the night before.

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  29. I'm glad you're okay! My bus is almost always full which means people are crammed in standing against each other. I have fallen on people more than once but never almost out a door! Yikes!

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  30. Oh wow! I'm glad you are okay! How scary must that have been? And seriously it was meant for that guy to be slow and behind you. Saved the day!!!!

    Well - I hope you're weekend was better - heading over to that post now.
    Haha

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