Friday, February 7, 2014

Friday Five: Types of Assholes



1. The asshole who shrugs off any and all winter weather events and makes you feel like an over reactor for not wanting to deal with or drive in snow or ice. 57 feet of snow? I got this, bro. An inch of ice? What, you don't have four wheel drive? Likewise, the people who bitch both when they make the kids go to school and when they keep them out of school, and also worry that the kids could lose spring break. p.s. Spring break does not happen for most people in the world, missing a few days of it or the entire thing will not hurt you irreparably. I promise.
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2. The asshole who points out the obvious as a passive aggressive way to belittle you. Wow you really did a number on this...let's see if I can fix it. No shit, Sherlock. I could've done without the intro commentary. Less talky downy, more fixy.

3. The asshole who can't be pleased. Two weeks ago, my train was stuck on the track for three hours. The next day, the SEPTA service manager came on the train in person (this never happens) to tell everyone exactly what went wrong and to take responsibility. Which is all you can do when you inconvenience, upset, or offend someone, right? The Asshole Who Can't Be Pleased pipes up demanding to be comped for her dinner and her time. Lady, you know that's not happening and now you're just making another person squirm for sport. This guy is just a guy trying to make things right. What would please you, self-flagellation on his part? He fucked up and admitted it. Be a human being and let him off the hook.

4. The asshole who commutes via regional rail. This asshole comes in many forms, including:
  • the asshole listening to headphones with the volume so loud that everyone in the train car can hear it
  • the asshole stretching out like the seat is their couch and not a seat they need to share with other people
  • the asshole who rushes to stand in front of someone so they can get on or off the train first 
  • the asshole who picks fights with other people like they are a monarch and the train is their kingdom
  • the assholes who act like people who ask questions about stops and fares are helpless fools who know nothing about life instead of people who just don't take the train every day. 
5. The asshole who holds up the grocery store line by dawdling on their phone or letting their kids help them check out. Do those things on your own time, not when there's a line behind you. There's a special place in hell for you. If you want to rage against more grocery store assholery, check out Steph's post.

Since we all know the types of assholes are endless, I confined myself to assholes I've encountered recently. What types of assholes are on your list on this fine Friday?

Congrats to Kathy at Vodka and Soda, winner of The Container Store $50 gift card giveaway!

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Linking up with Joy as always, and the Northeast Bloggers






41 comments:

  1. I don't take public transportation often anymore, but I know how ragey SEPTA/PATCO can make you. That said, if someone comes forward, owns their mistake and apologizes, you fucking act gracious, and take that apology/explanation for everything it's worth. Cause, Lady? That shit ain't gonna happen ever again....
    I hate those assholes at the grocery store who let their kids help check out/load groceries on the conveyer when they have a cart overflowing pull of food. I mean, c'mon. Hurry the fuck up, your kid is not going to gain any huge life skill by helping you put the groceries on the conveyer they can barely reach.
    I hate those assholes with a stack of coupons... oh, wait... :-)
    Right now my biggest pet peeve are the Dick Biscuits who don't clean off the top of their cars when it snows, then drive on the highway going 80mph, so the snow pounds directly into my windshield at 80mph. It is SO fucking rude. I don't care if you're a mama with 4 kids driving your Navigator or Escalade, or just too lazy to reach up and clean the top of your tiny Pontiac Fiero. Clean that shit off, it is SOOOO unsafe.

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  2. the assholes in the grocery store, in walmart and on public transpo are the worst humans on the planet. i have a post about my thoughts on asshole and this one is golden. you pretty much covered all of them.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  3. Speaking of the grocery store, when parents oh-so-patiently let their kids push the cart. Drives me nuts. I realize that I was probably that annoying child at some point in my life, but I'd like to think that my mom had enough sense to say, "NO. There's other people here. Another time.".
    And with winter weather, I've always been annoyed by the people in PA who act personally offended that it's cold in the winter. You. Live. In. Pennsylvania. This isn't a surprise, guys. It's winter, and it's not Florida.

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  4. So many assholes, so little patience! I find that there are more and more of them these days too! This could be a never ending post!!!

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  5. Oh the grocery store. I admit, I used to be a crazy couponing asshole but tried to be as organized as possible to minimize hatred from other shoppers. Now I try REALLY hard to not be that person with the annoying kid. I'm always in a hurry and nothing makes me more ragey than people who are just wandering along like they have all the time in the world.

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  6. Haha- YES the winter assholes!! We get that a lot here too. There was a big blizzard in 1982, and people are ALWAYS saying how NOTHING is bad as 82. We joke about it a lot.

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  7. The last one...YES! I can't even. Especially when the cashier tries to have a conversation with said children and holds up the line even more!

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  8. I can't relate to your commuter assholes but your accounts of them are hilarious! That was nice for them to try to take responsibility - too bad a jerk ruined it. I would like to add the inconsiderate assholes to the list - the ones who make promises and want things done but have no idea how to actually do them or what they have just promised. They have invaded my life lately.

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  9. You know I so agree, especially with #1. And with what Marla said. Clean off your damn cars, people!

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  10. As a still somewhat new driver, my currently least favorite asshole are of the driver variety. The assholes that zip through the highway from lane to lane to lane or just straight across many lines of traffic, narrowing missing others cars because their time is apparently more important than everyone else on the road's time and safety. The asshole that tailgate someone else through a stop sign, not as big of a safety issue, but really rude!! People that do not use turn signals can be real assholes, too. Oh and people that beep at trash trucks and school buses are a special kind of asshole.

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    Replies
    1. All the driving assholes are probably a post in itself. I hate hate hate the lane zippers. So dangerous.

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  11. Oh man, the lady that wanted her dinner comped would have made me sooo uncomfortable...I hate situations like that. People really are so rude, sometimes!

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  12. per usual a perfect post. I have to say the grocery store asshole and the can't be pleased asshole make my skin crawl the most, I am sure if I was a commuter I would want to stab everyone though!!!

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  13. I will always hate winter even though I live in the NE and it comes every year. If it wasn't for my family i would move somewhere it was warm year round. The second one is so annoying. If I knew how to fix it I would, just shut up and fix it already. I luckily found a new grocery store that is like never busy but those things would drive me crazy if it were to happen.

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  14. "Less talky downy, more fixy." Bahahaha... I laughed way too hard at this for way too long. :)
    I mean, I think 90% of people are assholes so I could add a LOT to this. :)

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  15. Shut the Duck up lady that wanted her dinner comped. People that let their kids "help" with anything that inconveniences anyone suck, suck, suck,.

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    Replies
    1. There is a time and a place for that, and it's not when there's a line of people behind you.

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  16. Girl- I swear....we could be best friends. Because we think all the same people are assholes. TRUTH.

    That person in the grocery store...GETS ME EVERY TIME. Old lady...stop writing a check and trying to use 9,000 coupons, and then arguing with the cashier when they don't work.

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  17. Great post - I would say 90% of people I encounter on a daily basis can fall into one of those categories. Good thing it's almost the weekend!!

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  18. Can winter be an asshole? Because lately it really is. The people in my complex who park their giant ass trucks in front of the walkway. Because trying to balance 18 bags, while climbing over snow because you are a douche who needs to park there is fun...SAID NO ONE EVER.

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  19. Assholes who can't drive, there are so many infractions on this list it's a post in itself.

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  20. Kathy dominated that giveaway. I don't think anyone wanted to win as much as she did.
    I hate all of these assholes. I just don't take the train so I can avoid them as much as possible. And I totally support people who don't want to drive in snow and ice, it's dangerous for the best of us. However, I eye roll the shit out of people (AHEM TARA) who buy little convertibles when they live in Chicago (or in her case, Iowa.) Duh, how many months out of the year can you use it? You spend more days with snow and ice and rain on the ground than any other type of weather. Your car should reflect that.

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  21. OH, the grocery check out line. My first "real" job (not babysitting) was working at Winn Dixie as a check out girl. And let's just say, nothing makes you feel worse than having the line backed up because of the family of 9 helping mom put the groceries on the belt and then tell you they will bag it. And of course, the customer is always right, right? NOT ALWAYS! =) Happy Friday, and thanks for linking up!!! Hope y'all have a wonderful weekend!!!

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  22. There is a special place in hell for grocery store dawdlers and ones that abandon their cart in the aisle when they move onto the next one. There are so many assholes in this world to count right?

    ~Amanda
    Meet @ the Barre

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  23. Assholes who don't say thank you after you hold the door for them. I always, without fail, say "You're welcome" because that shit is fucking disrespectful. Also, the asshole who you let in your lane even though they should have changed lanes a long fucking time ago and they don't even wave at you! NO. Just. Fuck you.

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  24. all of these are terrible, but the worst has got to be the asshole who can't be pleased. that's such bull shit. get over yourself and stop living such a miserable life!

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  25. The asshole that asks for your opinion, then when you give it, they one up you and explain why their idea is better. Alright, why ask my opinion in the first place?! So many assholes, so little time.

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  26. Seriously, the SEPTA guy apologizing? That's pretty fucking awesome. Because guess what tool who asked for reimbursement.....this poor shlep doesn't have the authority to reimburse you for shit. But, he had the balls to walk on a train full of cold, annoyed people and apologize for shit that probably wasn't even his direct fault.

    Assholes in the grocery......do not even get me started.

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  27. I'm chuckling to myself. Especially over the first one, with snow and school. I got sick of it earlier in the week and made a comment. Stop bitching about it, it's one school year. I'm pretty sure the kids will continue to live without a spring break for one year. Perspective here folks!

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  28. I think I would have swallow lots of pills everyday to ride the train like you...I am sure you encounter plenty of asses on a daily basis, but hey, it makes for good blog posts...you keep me nodding my head and laughing! :)

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  29. Great list, I deff agree with the one about people who ask questions on the train, because we have all been that person who doesn't know where their stop is etc and its just rude to be mean to them. And now I'm gonna be an asshole and say BOOOOO because I didn't win the giveaway and I really wanted this one! Oh, I mean congratulations to the winner!!!

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  30. Just dealt with #2. How about you help me next time and we won't have this problem, jerk?!

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  31. Lol I fully agree that all of these people sound like assholes.

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    1. Ugh sorry I'm on my phone and didn't mean to hit publish! Anyways, all assholes. People love to hear themselves talk and "be right" so dumb. And annoying!!

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  32. Holy comments today!

    I continue to be thankful that I don't have to deal with public transportation every time I hear your stories. I could go on for days about grocery store assholes. Add old people who don't know how to scan, can't life their bottled water, etc. to the belt, and are generally clueless to the list of people who should not be at the self-checkout.

    Today at Target, I noticed that someone had decided to use one of the spots closest to the store as the cart return, and several assholes followed suit. I wanted to fucking lose it. It is 12 degrees out, people want to park in that damn spot. Walk your lazy ass 2 parking spots down and return your cart.

    I have come to the conclusion that my general hatred is directed towards those who are oblivious (or don't care about) the fact that they are not the only person on earth and their actions impact other people.

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  33. I applaud the man for even coming on the train. They shouldn't have to explain. Things happen. You take that chance with public transportation. I might be a grocery store asshole, but only on the fruit snack aisle. I let Bird out of the cart to make her decision which can sometimes take a few minutes. But just one aisle.... I agree 100% with the obvious asshole as well.

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  34. your #2 asshole was my favorite - i'm nearly positive EVERY IT person ever is this type of asshole. thanks for your commentary mr. IT. if i hadn't tried to turn my computer off, then turn it back on do you think you would be here? fix it.

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  35. ps. showing some linkup love. new reader! whoop! karli - http://farmerbell.blogspot.com

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