Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Things you won't hear me say

No thanks, no pie for me.

Running is my favorite activity.

Here, let me take the trash out.

Please show me absolutely everywhere you are putting your Elf on the Shelf with daily photos. I love seeing them.

My feet feel great in these heels. 

Ann Coulter has her finger on the pulse of the women of America.

No dogs on the furniture.

I'm watching Little People Big World. 

Clowns make me smile.

Will and Grace are funnier than Jack and Karen.

I don't need GPS, I've driven there before.

Let's go out dancing.

I love assembling furniture!

Baby showers are a great way to spend a day.

Grow a soul patch, it will look great.

Just put the apostrophe wherever you want.

I've given up coffee.


I can't help it, bub.
Tuesday sucks, makes me snarky.
Argyle socks rule.

What won't I hear you say?

Tomorrow: charity. Be there or be square. Well, be here I guess. You know what I mean.

Peace out.

 photo smdpicmonkey_zpsdb8c311e.jpg


  1. hahaha "Put the apostrophe where ever you want" So damn true.
    I would never say
    "Don't worry, I still think you sound intelligent when you replace that with dat, or the with da"
    I actually have someone in my family that does that....

  2. -i love cleaning bathrooms
    -please, let me cook!
    -drake is amazing!
    -(at work): this totally makes sense!

    Vodka and Soda

  3. 1. Everyone is a winner.
    2. Anything about sky diving or bungee jumping.
    3. And no dogs on the furniture (pretty sure they own our furniture and just allow us to sit there.)

  4. Ha! This list is cracking me up! You wont hear me say most of the stuff that you have on your list in addition to:

    1. My Facebook friends are so smart.
    2. I love when babies scream in nice restaurants.
    3. No, I don't mind coming in to work this weekend.
    4. Give me all the Crocs.
    5. Auburn fans aren't obnoxious.
    6. I can't wait to go sky diving. Or Camping.

  5. This is genius!
    1. I'll cook dinner.
    2. No, I'm not judging you because you seem to have no grasp of written English when it's the only language you know.
    3. Hiking sounds like a fun vacation.

  6. I vacuumed twice today.
    I feel like running 10 miles.
    I'm not hungry.
    Wait til I put my makeup on.
    I think you sound brilliant when you use incorrect grammar. (Do we have a grammar theme going here... ?)
    My house is so hot.
    I'm finished.

    I love to complain
    (when you can't speak a sentence)
    It makes me feel smart.

  7. Ahahaha, pretty spot on! Esp about Ann Coulter. And pie ;)

  8. Twice while reading your list, I forgot it was a list of things you would NOT say, and was outraged. Jack and Karen ARE funnier!

  9. I'll change Thomas' shitty diaper.
    Let's touch base next week.
    Let's talk offline.
    I would love to cook dinner after working a long hard day!
    I really love cleaning bathrooms!
    I'm so prepared for *insert anything in here lately*....

    Great post!

  10. It's fine I don't need any more sleep
    I don't want spaghetti for dinner
    We should go look for some snow to play in
    Let's not go to the beach today

    What a fun post. :)

  11. Hit the nail on the head with Elf on a Shelf and Ann Coulter.

    I'm a lady, so I don't fart.
    I'm going to go to the gym today.
    No, I do not want another Oreo.

  12. f*cking elf on the shelf!!!

    ok, I'll play along:
    -no, that's ok, I'll just rearrange my day (when asshats are running late, grrr)
    -let's just split the bill 4 ways (I don't drink, so I always get screwed when splitting a dinner bill in equal parts)
    -I didn't see that, I don't watch much tv
    -sure, I'd love to go to the movies with you and your family to see *insert pixar movie here*

  13. Would you like the rest of my fries?
    Let's go tent camping!

  14. haha once again, you nailed it. i love this post. ann coulter doesn't haver her finger on the pulse of american women?!

  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

  16. - Please post pictures of your car temperature to show how hot or cold it is outside.
    - Lets go camping!
    - No, I don't want to go to Chipotle

    I'm sure I could think of more. I agree with pretty much all of yours!

    I had to delete my above comment because I totally just broke one of your rules and said "Let's" instead of "Lets." I suck.

  17. Thank for you the laugh.

    My elf will only have weekly updates...feel free to bypass.

    WHO really thinks Will and Grace were funnier? Seriously. Head check time.

  18. I've always said the show should have been named "Jack & Karen" not "Will & Grace"

    And a HUGE YES to the Elf on the Shelf pics.... ugh

  19. 1. No I don't want any wine thanks
    2. I love other people's kids
    3. Running is so much fun
    4.Please let me vacuum

    I wanted an elf on the shelf so badly because I thought it would be fun but then I realized that's a lot of work and I'm lazy

  20. Ann Coulter is the anti-christ. Oh my god, the fucking apostrophes. I can't even handle it anymore. They are not salt and pepper that you just sprinkle whenever!! Christmas is t he worst, because people address shit to "The Rosick's". NO NO NO. Also, the monogrammed doormats, signs, etc. with your last name? Can someone send a memo somewhere that apostrophes do not belong there?

    Things I will never say:

    I'll have the tuna melt.

    No, I don't want to go to Target.

  21. I love your snarky self!! The Elf on the Shelf thing is so annoying!! I had a Facebook friend pose the question "What do I tell me son why only 3 out of the 21 Elves have magic". Like seriously why do you need 21 elves?! Ugh! I will never say moping the floors are fun, please, feel free to eat food of my plate I love your germ filled hands on my food.

  22. Nailed it with Elf on the Shelf!

    My mom gave me one for my daughter for her first Christmas. She is now five, and that SOB has been in the box since we got it. I don't have time for that crazy stuff!

  23. HAHA!! You'll never hear me say, let's going dancing.I HATE it. Despise it. When people try to make me dance, I'm like nooooo. I'll also never say no dogs on the furniture. They are my babies and they go where they want, including sleeping with me.

  24. AGREE on the Elf on a Shelf! Creeptastic.

    Things you'll never hear me say:

    1) I love Alaska

    That's all. Haha.

  25. Love it. I'm with you on the GPS and Baby Showers!

    Things you will never hear me say:
    1.) The movie is always better than the book
    2.) I love hanging out with the girls while the boys watch the game
    3.) I have no idea where our library is.
    4.) Coffee? No thanks.
    5.) The humidity does wonders for my hair!

  26. Hah you will never hear me say any of those either lol Happy Tuesday:)

  27. HAHAHA, I'm dying over the elf on the shelf comment. It's SO weird and slightly creepy. Plus, it's pointless because whatever the elf "messes up" the mom/dad has to clean up.

  28. I'll have decaf.
    We're out of wine.
    No, honey, I'll take the kids so you can sleep in. Again.
    I'm so happy it's Monday!
    The laundry is caught up.

    1. Will the laundry ever be caught up? For like an hour, maybe?

  29. Too funny! I think I actually agree w/ all of these. We think alike! I would add "Yes please wear more perfume then you already have on!" Pet peeve is when coworkers wear a ton of perfume which is a big no no in the hospital!!

  30. haha I love this list. I wore heels this weekend and quickly remembered why they hadn't been on my feet in like two years!!! how people stand them I will never know!

  31. Well, I love ALL of these but my fave is the Jack and Karen one! Everyone knows they stole that show.

  32. hahah I love this!! I may have to get together a list of my own.

  33. I love to play video games.

    Stand by your man. (Unless I'm singing it at karaoke, which means I'm way past too drunk to be among the public.)

    I love being in a mall full of people.

    I'll do my shopping on Thanksgiving!

    I love being in the car for more than six hours at a time.

    I don't mind being allergic to a million things. It keeps life interesting.

    It's not a big deal when I leave someone a voice mail and they immediately call me back without listening to it first.

    1. I hate the voicemail thing! Listen to the message jerky!

      And no video games for me ever.

  34. Oh let me sit in the same room with that snake and/or let me visit the reptile house.
    I love to pick up worms. I love to watch boxing, ultimate fighting, kardashians, real housewives of anywhere, honey boo boo and various other "reality shows"

    On the elf- I do love the threat of the elf telling Santa.

    Another enjoyable read.

    Love your MOMMA

    1. The worms one made me laugh out loud. I know how much you hate them!

  35. Haha the Will & Grace one. Yes!!! I miss that show so much.

  36. lol! all of the above. all of them. I'm still shocked people don't let their dogs on the couch. Makes no sense.

  37. So guilty of posting an Elf on the Shelf pic on Instagram today!! I promise I won't do it again!!! :)

  38. "Just put the apostrophe wherever you want." YES YES YES! Man, I have such a hard time with people and their apostrophes! I also totally agree with heels, running, and stupid Ann Coulter. Here's what you'll never hear me say: "Sure, I'd love a cup of coffee/glass of wine." Ha!

  39. "I'd love to look at all of your wedding photos/baby shower/wedding shower photos. I like seeing how bland my life seems in comparison."

  40. ahahha yes. this made me laugh!!! i probably wouldnt say ANY of these either!

  41. OMG why was it not called Jack & Karen?!?! They totally made the show....and I wanna be there friend lol


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