I Don't Get it - Volume III

1. Skinny jeans for babies or men. Why, God? If you are a man and you're reading this thinking "Hey, I wear skinny jeans," well then I'm sad for you and your skinny jeans and I'm here to tell you they do not look as good as you think they do.














2. Inexplicably "sexy" Halloween costumes. A sexy cop? I've never seen a lady cop wear a skirt a mere inch below her crotch and have all of the buttons on her shirt undone, flashing her boobs and playing peekaboo with her lady town. A sexy nurse? The nurses I see wear scrubs, and often have long sleeves under them. They do not look like the Blink 182 nurse. Ladies, you don't need to use Halloween as an excuse to be sexy. Also, and I mean this in the nicest way, sexy does not equal trashy or whorey. Use your imagination and rock an awesome costume.

3. Adults who collect stuffed animals. Stuffed animals are dust and mite magnets. Their grossness makes me shiver. Back in the stone ages when I last dated, I was out with a guy who was hellbent on winning me a stuffed animal on the boardwalk. That was our last date.

4. Anything about Bieber or this fever for Bieber. Or anyone who wants to tell the world they had sex with him. Does he even have a penis? No one answer that. Yikes.

5. Michelle, how is your vagina still intact? You are carrying child # 20. Inquiring minds want to know. Also, let's meet to discuss your hair. *Edit: I just heard she may have miscarried? I am truly sorry for their loss, that is never something anyone should go through. However, my question still stands.

6. Drinking whiskey.

7. Why SEPTA regional rail can't stick to a schedule. SEPTA, you are late EVERY day, and you are unapologetic about it. I had to change my train and get up at the crack of dawn to ensure I will arrive at work at a comfortable time. Ruiners! Sleep thieves!

8. When I pull into a DD drive through and say "I'd like a large hazelnut with one cream," why do they always ask "Do you want sugar?" If I wanted sugar, I would have said "with one cream AND SUGAR." Stop asking me this.

9. Bumper stickers that are not magnetic. As if driving your car off the lot didn't bring down the value enough, now you're putting stickers on it that won't come off?

10. The need to go out shopping on Black Friday. I know many of you are fans and do this...but you can get all the shit online and sleep off the wine you consumed on Thanksgiving.

11. The fit sneaker or whatever the hell it's called. Aside from the hideous croc or Ugg, is there a more unattractive shoe? Witness two offenders on the train.

12. This shotgun shell wreath. Thank you Pinterest for this gem.

That's all for today class. I hope you have a wonderful weekend that does not include seeing any of the above.

TGIF mofos!

SMD

P.S. Kudos to my friend Mrs. B, proprietress of this blog. The ultimate (in my mind) blogger, The Bloggess, read her blog and loved it. I die I die I die. So awesome.

Attention Kmart Shoppers: Brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things

I am so glad I have so many favorite things that I can make multiple favorite things blog posts. Sorry to those of you who liked "I'd like to buy the world a coke..." This one goes out to those Von Trapps even though I am not a fan of their antics and singing.

Attention KMart Shoppers: I threw some small gift ideas in here too, it being December and all. Did you know that if I am in a store with MFD and we are dispatched to get two different things, he will stand at the front and have me paged on the intercom? Then I get all red faced and go running to the front, and  he stands there laughing. Ho ho ho, you funny bastard.

FAVORITE THINGS

1. My quilt made specifically for me by my aunt Lori. Dogs, take note: this is not your quilt. It is awesome, and she does make them to sell if you are looking for a one of a kind gift.

2. Bruce Springsteen. Thanks to my Dad, who raised me on his music. If anyone in your life does not own this album, please buy it for them this holiday season. Or get them an iTunes gift card and stand over their shoulder while you force them to purchase each song.

3. Pinterest.com. Obsession and major time suck. Follow me: stephdoyle (if you need an invite, let me know!). For you crafty do it yourselfers, there are some awesome ideas on homemade gifts. HO HO HO mofos.

4. Making lists. Things to do, things to buy, things to see, people for karma to deal with in the appropriate manner.

5. Essie nail polish. OPI, you and your fat brushes are OUT. Since September 24, I've worn Essie's Merino Cool on my nails 80 percent of the time. Get some or give some as a stocking stuffer.

6. The original 90210. If anyone is looking to buy me a Christmas gift, I would like 90210 on DVD. All seasons. Please and thank you.

7. Chi-Chis. Yes, it's closed. Lori used to take me to lunch at the Oxford Valley Mall Chi-Chis almost every weekend in the late 80s/early 90s. Their taco salad is unparalleled, and I want to eat it again before I die. Please like the Bring Back Chi-Chi's Mexican Restaurant page on Facebook. Humor me!

8. I always forget how much I love Dolly Parton. Then someone mentions her and I remember. The wigs, the insane boobs, the tinkly laugh, the unfortunate starring role in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Islands in the Stream. Jolene. I Will Always Love You. And my favorite this time of year - Hard Candy Christmas. If that's not on your Christmas playlist, it should be. It is certainly on ours. MFD, please take me to Dollywood. But not next year, we have too many awesome vacation plans already set for 2012: Niagara Falls. San Fran. Tahoe. Carribbean Cruise. The poor house.

9. These socks from Le Crap. They are so comfortable and soft. Stuff them in someone's stocking.

10. Blackberry brandy. Put it in your tea for a hot toddy. Dear Santa, I need a lot of bottles. I was sometimes good.

11. This quote, which I live by:

12. This directive, and also the word turd itself:

13. This kicks the shit out of super dry and itchy winter skin:

14. The best iced tea to use when making your own at home:

15. Google reader, for keeping all of the blogs I follow organized and displays new posts ready for me to read when I have a minute to read them. To those of you who like to follow blogs and are not using this tool, I ask why the hell not? Sign up and keep all your blogs in one place. www.google.com/reader

Toodleoo, mofos. Happy shopping. A word to the wise: don't be grinchy, don't lose your shit over a parking spot, if you're cranky quarantine yourself to your room, and don't make the holidays all about yourself because that ruins them for everyone else. Spread cheer and smile until your face cracks.

Tastefully yours as ever,

SMD

You say goodbye and i say hello.

Goodbye, dishwasher.

Goodbye, microwave.

Goodbye, built-in stove.

Hello, crock pot in the living room.

Hello, Gus.

Hello, Monday.

This weekend, I:
-didn't sleep enough;
-learned some good things at the Relay Summit (http://www.southphillyrelay.org/, y'all);
-Had a lovely time drinking wine with Gail and Crystal, laughing at the shenanigans of Luke and Jack, and visiting with Aunt Carrie (thank you eternally for the beautiful bag) and Uncle Jim;
-Cursed pinot grigio for a bad hangover and ruining my trip to Target;
-Almost shit my pants in fear/anxiety watching American Horror;
-Discussed midgets more than three times;
-Was engulfed by a crotch rocket motorcycle gang while minding my own beeswax in my car: two to the front, two to the back, and two to each side, so freaking nerve wracking;
-Freaked out 29374938408 times about the kitchen not moving along fast enough in time to be done before Christmas;
-And slept on new pillows, for which we were seriously overdue.

Today began with my alarm not going off, and since I was so tired, I slept an hour and 15 minutes past it before I even woke up. Really? I've felt behind all day.

Is it 5 yet?

SMD