I'd Like to Buy the World a Home...

and furnish it with love. Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow white turtle doves. Take it away 70s commercial people!

Also considered as musical accompaniment:  My Favorite Things by those damn Von Trapp children and their nanny. Except my name is not Laura Searle or Kim Van Schoyck and I am not enamored of The Sound of Music. But I digress.

Here are some of my favorite things, that I wish everyone had or had experience with...except for the selfish assholes who only think of themselves and don't care about others, or people that harm people or animals on purpose. For those people, I wish an eternal case of face sores that ooze foul smelling pus as well as a raging army of fire ants perpetually attacking their private parts.  More digression, I know. These are a few of my favorite things:

Sanuks

Intimate Knowledge of this Movie (whoever stole my copy from my house, may your ass burn with the fire of 1 million suns for eternity)

Totes Clear Umbrella

Aid Through Trade Roll On Bracelets

Pureology Shampoo and Conditioner

Cindy Crawford Washable Slip Cover Sofas (especially if you have smelly snorting dogs who are always on the couch)

Yoga Pants

Brother's Pizza

Ceramic Christmas Trees

A Tiny Baby Jesus Candle Purchased at ShopRite

Smoking Loon Cabernet

Experience Working For a Cause Like This

Parties where the Preferred Attire is a Wedding Gown



Professional Photography of your Dog(s)

Friends Like These

More favorite things to come, I'm sure. Until then, happy Monday. If you have off for this banker's holiday, I am jealous and bitter. Enjoy yourselves, and also: kiss my grits. I am getting a free lunch though, and chances are you are not.

Working on Columbus Day,

SMD

p.s. Good season Phils!
p.p.s. While I do wish I wasn't working, I don't think Christopher Columbus is a good reason to have the day off.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going in their pants.

If you  haven't seen Moving Violations in its entirety, I'm sorry. It's a total piss and basically unavailable for purchase anywhere. One of my favorite movies of all time, and an obsession I've passed along to my brother Stephen.

Have a fantastic weekend,

SMD

I Don't Get It - Volume I

Everyone has their things that they just don't understand. Here's Volume I of mine. Relax, enjoy!

1. People who jump into an almost closed elevator when other elevators will be available within seconds. The odds that whatever you're doing at wherever you're going involve you saving the world with seconds to spare are quite low. This is real life, not the movie Iron Man. Wait for the next elevator.

2. Non-voters. So, you don't care enough to go to the polls but think you should still have the right to bitch about the way things are, or that things will never change? It doesn't work that way. If you don't vote, I don't want to hear anything from you. Politicians are all the same, shit won't change, blah blah blah. Keep it to yourself. Of course it won't change when you're sitting in your house picking your nose on Election Day. Do you know how many people on this earth would kill to be able to vote on anything?

3. Confederate flags and nazi flags. In this day and age, really? You might as well wear a sign on your forehead that says "I'm ignorant. Uh duh."

4. Rat tails. I don't get them, but I absolutely love them. They make me wonder at the world and want to embrace those that think these hairdos are a good idea. They make me laugh. They test my secret photography skills as I try to capture their rare morbid beauty without their owners knowing. My brother Stephen wore one for a while. I was horrified yet secretly thrilled. His did not get to this length, but God how glorious would that have been?

5. Dirty houses. We all get lazy sometimes. Things pile up, overtime is required at work, sickness overtakes our homes. Cluttered and messy are different than dirty. I cannot comprehend why you'd pay a mortgage and then just let your house drown in dirt, dust and scum. I see "I'm too busy living to clean" quotes, and I call bullshit. Everyone is busy. I'll let you in on a secret: when you don't let it get bad, cleaning doesn't take long. If you have a doubt as to what funk and grotesqueness is living in your crumbs, dust, toilet rings, whathaveyou, please rush immediately to your computer and watch episodes of How Clean is Your House? These ladies mean business, and they are in the business of people not being pigs.

6. People who have to rush up and stand at the door before their stop on the train. Listen up assholes, we're all getting off. If we file off seat by seat it'll be much more orderly and disembarkation will be quicker and we'll ALL get home faster. And I won't have to elbow you in the nads, inadvertantly trip you, or unhook your bag from itself when you're standing next to me with your ass or privates in my face. Yes, I do those things. No, I don't care that they are immature and assy. So is rushing to the front and butting in line. Nobody likes a butter!

7. White people with dreadlocks. Dreadlocks actually have meaning and symbolism attached to them, and none of it pertains to white people. Besides that, it's really hard to get white hair to dread, and it's gross. I'm being honest. And yes, judgemental.

8. Why MFD rinses his dishes and places them nicely into the sink. Which is, coincidentally, right next to the dishwasher. The man uses a lot of dishes. One day, I lifted them out of the sink, put them on a tray, and put them outside on the stoop. He came in a few hours later laughing and said "I have to admit, that was good." Damn good, thank you.

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,

SMD

p.s. Dear Phillies: you will not be any better as a team than you are right now. Do this.
p.s.s. I woke up today and really thought it was Friday. That was a low blow.

The Fake Holy Will Roll You

This morning, I was heading towards the ticket area of Suburban Station when I heard "If my skin was pink like his you would not be accusing me of this!" The indignant shouter sounded very familiar. He went on to yell, "What are you, Egyptian? No one cares what you think!" Oh thank you tiny hypocrisy loving sweet baby Jesus, it WAS him! The 16th & Market preacher was being a racist douche in the train station! And by a great stroke of luck, I was there to see it.

Holy roller tried to roll SEPTA out of cash.

When I got to the window, I had an enlightening conversation with the woman who helped me.

Me: That guy is crazy.

SEPTA lady: Oh I know it, we all know him, that's why two managers are over there. He goes from station to station telling us we shorted him change and owe him cash.

Me: GET OUT! You do know he preaches holiness and truth up on the street at 16th & Market, right?

SEPTA lady: Really? When?

Me: All day! You've got to get above ground.

SEPTA lady (over her shoulder): Rhonda, we got to get up to the street during break today. Crazy Man is a Street Preacher, telling everybody about their sins!

tra la la la la la la la la. I love witnessing hypocrisy. I can't wait until that mofo yells out about thiefs and sinners when I'm walking by, spittle flying out of his gross lying mouth. As the great Tennessee Williams once said, "The only thing worse than a liar is a liar who is a hypocrite."

Now, good day. I SAID GOOD DAY!

Hallelujiah and amen,

SMD

p.s. FRIDAY EVE. Thank you.

No longer on hiatus. Vacation Wrap Up.

Hello comrades. I'm still wrapped up in a post-vacation fog cocoon. I have no idea what's going on in the local or world news except that a) the Eagles still suck and b) the spies hiking on the Iranian border were released for a ransom. My house is a mess, my dogs need a bath, I'm behind on all of my blog reading, some new shows did not record on my DVR, my car is due for inspection, and I need to get back on the eat well/exercise program.

Some takeaways from vacation:

1. People have no concept of personal space at the pool, in lines, or in the bathroom. Listen up: if there are lots of empty chairs at the pool, don't sit down right next to someone. In line, do not stand so close that you are touching, breathing on, or palming the ass of the person in front of you. If the bathroom is not crowded, don't enter a stall right next to someone and then drop gunfire shits into the toilet.
2. How do people with kids do Disney? We don't have kids and we are sofackingtired.
3. People who work on cruise ships make pennies a month for salary and live off of their tips. If you receive good service, TIP WELL!
4. No matter how many days off I have in a row, I will always want more.

Vacation was seriously glorious. We did a three night cruise on the Disney Dream, with ports of call in Nassau, Bahamas, and Disney's private island Castaway Cay. Then we did a total ball breaker Disney trip. It was MFD's first time, so we ran our asses off to ensure he saw it all.

We also got upgraded from the Caribbean Beach to the Contemporary resort. Jillian Fischetti, you ROCK for getting that done, and also for the attention to detail to make sure Disney recognized and celebrated our first wedding anniversary both at sea and on land, and that MFD got special treatment for being a first time Disney visitor. You should earn money as a Disney ambassador. Your planning made the trip exceptional.

How awesome was the cruise? So awesome that we booked a 7 nighter on the Fantasy (launching in January) for next year before we even got off the ship. The service was attentive and impeccable, the ship was immaculate, the food was outstanding, the rooms were spacious, you can BYOB onto the ship, and for it being a Disney cruise, we really didn't encounter kids. The adult areas were awesome. We met great people and MFD was of course the mayor.

We swam with dolphins at Atlantis in Nassau. That was unreal. Dolphins are sleek, smart, beautiful, funny creatures. That was the highlight of the Nassau trip. Nassau itself was dirty and gross, and the beggars and sellers on the beach were awful. To me, the best view of Nassau was the sun over it as we were leaving. GOOD DAY!

Sayonara, Nassau.

I would like to live on Disney's private island of Castaway Cay, specifically Serenity Beach. After an hour long massage in a beach cabana, I sat my ass in a chair in the water for hours reading, sipping on a pina colava, and just relaxing. No one under 18 allowed on the beach, tons of shells to take home, a merry band of Cubans singing their asses off in the water. Totally amazing.

Castaway Cay from the ship.

This is what I did all day.

The other thing I loved about the boat: watching the sun rise and set every day over the ocean. It was fabulous and centering.

Disney was a whirlwind. If you hate Disney, stop reading now. Otherwise, this is the schedule we kept:

Sunday - Arrive at Caribbean Beach hotel at 11. Finally get in room after 1. Fight with people about rooms. Eat lunch, leave for Hoop Dee Doo Review at 5:30, arrive at Magic Kingdom at 10, stay for Magic Hours through 1, get back to room at 2, pack suitcases for the morning move until 3:15.

Monday  - Up for breakfast, move to the Contemporary. Magic Kingdom from 12 - 5:30. Anniversary dinner at a table by the window in the California Grill on top of the Contemporary. We ate with a view of Cinderella's Castle and watched the Magic Kingdom fireworks from the observation deck. Fantastic. We changed and headed to Hollywood Studios from 11 - 1 for Magic Hours.

Tuesday - Finally a day to sleep in! We did the pool in the morning, then Hollywood Studios in the afternoon. We ate at Mama Melrose and finished the night with Fantasmic. That was an absolutely amazing show. I'd never seen it before and it knocked my socks off. Nightswimming to cap off the night.

Wednesday - EPCOT! My favorite. Lunch at the biergarten in Germany, dinner at La Hacienda in Mexico. EPCOT Illuminations fireworks show.

Thursday - Animal Kingdom, my least favorite park. It was hot and crowded. We were there from 8 a.m. - 4, then hopped over to EPCOT where MFD and I bought all new outfits since we were soaking wet, then proceeded to drink and eat around the world in ponchos. It was a blast.

Friday - Pool in the morning, then back to Magic Kingdom for the last few things MFD didn't see. We were having a ball strolling along when I realized my watch was broken and an hour behind. We hauled ass back to make our airport shuttle and arrived back to our casa at 1 a.m.

It was a truly wonderful time, and I was already online looking at excursions for the cruise we're taking next year. I'm still seriously pooped. We celebrated the shit out of our first anniversary while we were away, so yesterday, on the actual day, we were too tired to eat out OR cook. We ordered Lee's Hoagies and ate the top tier of our wedding cake, which was still delicious.

Back to life, back to reality.

SMD

Serenity Now.

I am a master of the mini break, a leading lady of the long weekend. I make sure my year is peppered with them. They make my heart sing, they keep me running...but there's nothing like The Big One. The Five-Days-Off-or-More-in-a-Row-Vacation.

When you get close to your vacation, you have to remind yourself to just hang in there and deal with the hurdles in your path. You're almost there. You hum Eye of the Tiger. Your mind races, circling around what needs to get done at work and last minute items to pick up from the store and is everything packed and have all the bills been paid and has everything been lined up for the dogs/house and and and and. You've reached your max capacity. I'm there. I'm pretty sure I look like this right now:


Be sure and tell 'em Large Marge sent ya! Heh heh heh heh heh

Tomorrow is my last day of work until September 26. I have 12 days off IN A ROW during which I will not give a good fuck about what goes on at work or concern myself with the petty problems of daily life. I will not do anything productive in regards to charity work or my fellow man or ride the asshole regional rail system. I will not plot out home improvement projects or lure MFD into doing them. As of Wednesday morning at 5 a.m.,

I will lounge and sun, swim with the dolphins, watch the sun rise and set on the open seas, get a massage on the beach, go on a waterslide that goes out over the ocean, whoop it up at the Hoop-De-Doo Review, ride the monorail, get my picture taken with Mickey Mouse and whatever other character I can chase down like a five year old, have a super large beer at the Biergarten, watch fireworks over Cinderella's castle, and have an all around fabulous time. MFD has never been to Disney. I seriously cannot wait to be with him in the happiest place on earth after cruising around on Disney's newest ship. I know he'll love it. Our friend and trip companion Jill has plotted our trip so he will really get the entire Disney experience.

I need to spend the next two days putting out work fires, kissing up on my dogs who I will miss terribly, picking up toiletries at Target, making sure my brother has groceries while he's dogsitting, reminding MFD to pack underwear, ripping new assholes at Wells Fargo for their incompetence, paying September's bills, doing laundry, packing, and all the other trollish pre-vacation duties. It will all be worth it when we get the rock out of here first thing on Wednesday morning. I need a break from a lot of things.

So I must bid you adieu in advance. Au revoir, bitches. Stay pretty.

Desperately seeking a time out,

SMD

p.s. This morning I saw a large man on the corner of 16th & Market with a fucked up eye, smudged eye glasses, hair that resembled a chia pet, and a stained shirt that read "I play. I vote. I like guns." Is it Tuesday at 5 yet?